What should I do if an old flame calls or emails me?

Dr. Scott answer's reader's questions

What should I do if an old flame calls or emails me?
 -Jeff


This issue here is that you, Jeff, loving husband or boyfriend, are going about your business when, with no provocation on your part, you get a call from an old flame.

Your situation falls into one of three categories.

Category 1: You welcome the call. After all, while you’re not dating the ex now, you may have parted on good terms. You really like this gal, and getting an email or call may cheer you up, and stoke fond recollections of “the good ol’ days.”

Category 2: Your ex is the spawning of an evil seed, who make Cruella DeVille seem like Mother Theresa. You can’t stand to be near her or think of her, and you’re rather listen to fingernails on a chalkboard than hear her voice on the other end of the line.

The third category, and the most likely one, is that, while you don’ hold any bad feelings, and, you may still have a soft place in your heart for her, the relationship with this woman is over, and you have no real desire to make life more complicated for yourself by wanting to rekindle a connection.

Well, one way or another, either the phone rings or your computer chimes “You’ve got mail,” and now you have a decision to make. If you can’t stand the gal, then you’re job is pretty easy: simply and politely tell her that you’re not interested in pursuing a relationship, and ask her to put you on her “no call list.” If she continues to call, call the cops, and file a stalking charge.

However, things aren’t always the easy or that clear cut, and that’s where your wife’s or girlfriend’s feelings come into play. It is rare that a guy marries a woman who welcomes your old friends—lovers or not—into your life with open arms—a woman who invites them over, and enjoys hearing stories of your exploits together. If you have such a woman, don’t take advantage of her good nature by crossing any boundaries, such as arranging private moments with your ex, or keeping any emails or calls secret.

You’ll notice I said that a guy rarely finds such a wife, because the truth is that most women don’t want the other woman (even if she was the other woman from three decades ago) in your life. In that case, when the phone rings as you and your wife are just loading the dishes into the dishwasher, and you hear a voice from the distant past, it’s good to know what to do.

First, don’t hide from your current partner the fact that you heard from your past woman. Believe me, eventually she’ll find out, and when she does, she’ll focus on your failure to tell her, and you’ll lose a lot of trust. Once you do reveal the communiqué, though, she’ll want to know what happened next.

One problem is that you may be excited to hear from her. My advice: don’t let your interest in her life or her activities take precedence over your interest in your wife. In your mind, you may say, “I’ve got plenty of space in my brain for interest in the lives of both these women,” and it might be true. But it’s a zero-sum-gain to your wife, and, in her mind, every ounce of effort you expend in delving into the life of your ex is energy extracted from your relationship with her. My advice--as much as you may truly care about the goings on of your ex-lover—is to keep that door to the past closed, and let her know after her first hello that you’ve moved on and don’t wish to have any further conversation.

If you don’t hate this woman, then you don’t want to be rude. And that’s another problem. After all, for just about everyone who calls (with the possible exception of the telemarketer) you give them an ear, and try not to show any signs of rudeness. So if your past girlfriends wants to talk for a while, and rekindle a little bit of connection, you may feel it’s rude to rush her off the phone. My advice: be polite to your wife, not the person on the other end of the phone line whom you have no current relationships with. Your obligation is to the Mrs, not to the ex, so if your wife feels it’s rude to keep a conversation going, and you and the other woman find it rude to hang up precipitously, go with your wife’s definition of rude. She’s the one you’ll be spending the night, and the rest of your life, with.

And in the case of email, I recommend that you consult with your wife. Show her the email, express an interest in not pursuing it any further, and ask which she thinks would be best—for you to replay with a brief email that your wife sees before you send it, saying “It’s nice to hear from you, but I think it’s best we don’t communicate,” or to not respond at all. Remember, just because someone sends you and email, you’re not under any obligation to respond.

Q & A Newly Single Women

Q: When a relationship has ended, it is sometimes hard for the person in the situation, due to depression, embarrassment or pride to reach out to friends for help. How does someone reach out?

A: When your up against the challenge of reigniting old friendships you’ve got two competing issues to deal with. On one hand, studies show that in women in particular, memory for emotionally based adverse events are held on to for a long time (forever?), so it’s not likely she’ll forget about how she was treated when you were focused on Mr. Wonderful. On the other hand, women genuinely find bonding and interrelating very emotionally soothing, and they have a wonderful ability to empathize. They want to care for you, but you have to be willing to show some contrition, and let some of your sadness and disappointment show. Your real friends will come out of the woodwork; your false friends my use your vulnerability to chide you or put you down, but you can choose not to pay attention to them.

Q: On the flip side if you see that your friend isn’t reaching out, how do you approach her to help?

A: She may be afraid that you will judge her negatively, or that you won’t understand her. Let her know that you’re there for a listening ear. If she’s not into the “crying on your shoulder” routine, instead invite her out for something lighthearted—maybe even an action movie or documentary, where she won’t have to talk, and she won’t have to watch Hugh Grant win over Drew Barrymore

Vim and Sexual Vigor

Q: How/why does fatigue or lack of fitness diminish a man's sex drive? What can the average guy to boost his libido?

A: Like the Timex watch, men are designed to have their bodies take a licking, but have their libido keep on ticking. However, at a certain point, physical or mental exhaustion will lowers a guy’s reproductive urges. That is because the body tries to conserve resources; from a evolutionary point of view, a species shuts down reproduction when there isn’t enough energy to sustain the body. For instance, in concentration or POW camps, with lack of food and other deprivation, the sex drive disappears, while in US prisons, with plenty of food and leisure time, there is no decline in sex drive. While men’s sex drive tend to be on autonomous (that is, not driven by external conditions), it still affected by a man’s state of mind. Depression or mental exhaustion rob a man of being able to make a visual picture of the pleasure that sex may give him, so he will be less inclined to have sexual urges pop into his head. Occasionally, poor physical health may include lack of proper nutrition, and occasionally vitamin or mineral deficiencies lead to lack of libido. (Just about every vitamin is implicated in the cascade of hormones and physiology associated with sexual functioning.)
There are ways of countering the effects of stress. One is to schedule time for exercise daily, which helps to boost testosterone. Another is to put aside time to meditate, pray, or do yoga. These decrease emotional stress and improve relaxation, an important component for interest in sex.
Also, because sex may not be as autonomous in the stressed out guy, there may need to be external triggers to get thing going. Reducing tension in the relationship with your mate is helpful—an angry or despondent partner isn’t a sexual turn on. Also, your partner may need to take the lead an initiate sex; that may be a role reversal, but it can often lead to an increase in sexual interest.

We All Married The Wrong Person

Blog post from Lori Lowe

Couples in crisis often reach the point where they decide they are just two poorly matched people. This precedes the decision to leave the relationship and go in search of that “right person.” Unfortunately, the odds of a successful marriage go down for each attempt at a new marriage. Psychiatrist and author of The Secrets of Happily Married Men and The Secrets of Happily Married Women and The Secrets of Happy Families, Scott Haltzman, MD, says in truth, they are correct; we all married the wrong person. I found his comments from TV interviews so intriguing that I requested an interview with him to delve into the topic.

Dr. Haltzman says even if we think we know a person well when we marry them, we are temporarily blinded by our love, which tends to minimize or ignore attributes that would make the relationship complicated or downright difficult. In addition, both individuals bring different expectations to the marriage, and we change individually and as a couple over time. No one gets a guarantee of marrying the right person, says Dr. Haltzman, so you should assume you married the wrong person. That doesn’t mean your marriage can’t be successful, however.

“Most of us spend a lot of time filtering through possible mates in hopes that we will end up with the right match. Some people believe it’s an issue of finding a soul mate … the one true partner. Whether or not you enter into marriage believing your partner is THE one, you certainly believe he or she is A right person for you,” says Dr. Haltzman.

He explains that if the success of a marriage were based on making the right choice, then those who carefully chose a good match would continue to sustain positive feelings the majority of the time, and over a long period. The theory would be proven correct that choosing well leads to success. “But the divorce rate in and of itself stands as a great testament to the fallacy of that theory,” says Dr. Haltzman. Even the couples who remain married don’t describe themselves as completely happy with each other, he adds, but rather committed to one another.

“If we believe we must find the right person to marry, then the course of our marriage becomes a constant test to see if we were correct in that choice,” says Dr. Haltzman, adding that today’s culture does not support standing by our promises. Instead, he says we receive the repeated message, “You deserve the best.” These attitudes contribute to marital dissatisfaction, he says.

Dr. Haltzman shared some research with me about the negative effects in our consumer society of having too many choices—which may lead to increased expectations and lower satisfaction. A book called The Choice Paradox by Barry Schwartz shares research that flies in the face of conventional wisdom. (I will have another post about this topic soon, because there is much insight to glean.) I’ll cut to the chase and reveal that people are happier with the choices they make when there are relatively few choices from which to choose. With too many choices, we can become overburdened and regretful and constantly question our decision. Today, individuals may feel they have many choices of mates, and fear lost opportunities with potential “right” partners. This may happen even after a person is married, as he or she questions the decision to marry with each bump in the road.

“My basic philosophy is we have to start with the premise when we choose our partner that we aren’t choosing with all the knowledge and information about them,” says Dr. Haltzman. “However, outside of the extreme scenarios of domestic violence, chronic substance abuse, or the inability to remain sexually faithful—which are good arguments for marrying the wrong person on a huge scale, and where it is unhealthy or unsafe to remain married—we need to say, ‘This is the person I chose, and I need to find a way to develop a sense of closeness with this person for who he or she really is and not how I fantasize them to be.’”

That choice to work on the relationship can lead to a more profound, meaningful experience together. Dr. Haltzman offers the following tips to help us reconnect or improve our bond:

Respect your mate for his/her positive qualities, even when they have some important negative ones.

Be the right person, instead of looking for the right person.

Be a loving person, instead of waiting to get love.

Be considerate instead of waiting to receive consideration.

To underscore the last couple of points, Dr. Haltzman says many people will put only so much effort into a relationship, then say, “I’ve done enough.” But very few of us will do that with our children. “Instead, we say despite their flaws, we wouldn’t want anyone else; yet, our kids can be much more of a pain in the ass than our spouses.”

Finally, he advises, “Have the attitude that this is the person you are going to spend the rest of your life with, so you must find a way to make it work instead of always looking for the back door.”

For more information on Dr. Haltzman or his books, visit DrScott.com or 365Reasons.com. Many thanks to Dr. Haltzman for sharing his time, wisdom and advice.

Secrets to a happy marriage, put down the Blackberry and join the relationship
August 17th, 2010 8:55 pm
By Marina Meyer
From the Blog of the Chicago Marriage Examiner

Author Dr. Haltzman advises couples on how to celebrate their marriage.

According to Dr. Scott Haltzman, there are additional layers of complexity when it comes to some hot-button issues that several couples face today. That’s why it’s important that spouses recognize that their partner has different needs than you, and that you team up together side-by-side instead of judge.

Chicago Marriage Examiner chatted with Haltzman, founder and editor of DrScott.com and 365Reasons.com and author of The Secrets of Happily Married Men, The Secrets of Happily Married Women and The Secrets of Happy Families, to explain what some of today’s hot-button issues are and why couples should live by the 365 reasons why marriage rocks.


Chicago Marriage Examiner: What are some hot-button topics that today’s couples face? How are these problems different or more complex than before?

Dr. Scott Haltzman: In the last century, the nature of marriage has changed. Whereas marriage frequently happened for reproductive, economic or political reasons, the expectations of marriage today are not only for a partner who shares in your desire for a family, but also partner that meets many of your emotional needs as well. The most common areas of arguments among families deal with money, sex, housework, in-laws and conflict over raising children.

There are additional layers of complexity related to households today compared to generations past. For instance, the influx of an electronic world into the household (beyond television) is often a source of additional stress for a family. In traditional households where men returned home from work after women, there is the additional complaint of "he runs to his computer and checks his e-mail" or "he has his Blackberry with him all day, even on the weekends."

Chicago Marriage Examiner: Your website, www.365reasons.com, offers a reason a day as to why marriage is good. Name some Top 10 reasons why marriage rocks.

Haltzman:


1. You live longer.

2. You accrue more wealth over the period of your life.

3. You demonstrate the ability to keep a promise in front of your friends and in front of God.

4. You have someone to share your day-to-day experiences with that is able to hold within them a bigger context that involves a lifetime of sharing day-to-day experiences.

5. You have a lifelong cheerleader to support you in times when you feel at a disadvantage.

6. You are able to provide a unified team in front of your children.

7. You have the opportunity to learn about a deeper and more enriching love than you have ever experienced before.

8. You learn how to compromise and, as a consequence, get exposed to new ideas and new situations that you never would have had without your spouse.

9. You have a sounding board for new ideas and an automatic brainstorming team.

10. In the event you become ill, there's someone to advocate for you to take care of you.

Chicago Marriage Examiner: What are some secrets to a happily married man, woman and family? Why do so many couples today fail to recognize or acknowledge these secrets?

Haltzman: The No. 1 secret of happy couples is the ability to recognize that your partner has needs different than yours. Rather than judge that partner, or try to change him or her, happy partners accept those differences and strive to find ways to make their partners happy. Those who have happy marriages primarily experience happiness because they see joy in their partner. The reason so many couples fail to recognize or acknowledge this secret is because society has reinforced for us our "right" to be happy, and when episodes of discontent impose themselves on the marriage, people are less inclined to ask how they themselves can change, and frequently look to their partner, expecting that he or she will change in order to assure their own happiness. When that partner fails to rise to that expectation, the knee-jerk reaction is to dismiss that partner.

Happy families function best when people have clear and realistic understandings of and expectations for each member of the family. It's important for the leaders of the family to be consistent in the message they give their children. All of the activities that are done both by individuals and as a family as a whole reflect the core values that define each unique family.

Chicago Marriage Examiner: Provide some additional information not discussed in above questions.

Haltzman: We live in a society that has geared us to believe that we deserve the best, and has imbued us with a certain doubt that what we have isn't quite good enough. There's a certain restlessness about our culture, and it's difficult to commit to a lifetime experience that may not always provide the joy and pleasure that we have come to accept as our birthright. Nonetheless, the couples that do learn how to work toward having an excellent relationship, improving their communication, and accepting each other's failings end up having a deeper level of emotional development that only such a profound commitment like marriage can bring.

It's interesting to me how many sacrifices a parent is willing to make for a child, such as listening to endless boring stories, watching sports events where the child may be sidelined 90 percent of the time, or tolerating all kinds of trans questions and faults while returning with copious amounts of love. Yet when our spouse attempts to tell us a boring story, asks us to watch him or her participate in sports, or screws up, there is much less tolerance and acceptance, and a nagging belief that "this is not the right person for me." Acceptance, appreciation, flexibility and commitment are the keys to maintaining happy lives and building the core of a happy family.

The (New) Measure of a Man

This Article looks at research that show men have different views on masculinity than people assume.

"The study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine included interviews with more than 27,000 randomly selected men from eight countries (Germany, U.S., U.K., Spain, Brazil, Mexico, Italy and France.
"Regardless of age or nationality, the men more frequently ranked good health, harmonious family life and good relationships with their wife or partner as more important to their quality of life than material, self-fulfilling or purely sexual concerns. There was no significant difference in rankings of masculinity and quality of life characteristics between men who experienced erectile dysfunction and those who did not.
"The study, part of the Men's Attitudes to Life Events and Sexuality (MALES) project, aimed to determine characteristics of masculinity and quality of life in men with and without self-reported erectile dysfunction, and how those ideas of masculinity might affect seeking help and treatment.
"Many meanings, positive and negative, are attached to the term, 'masculinity,'" said Julia Heiman, director of The Kinsey Institute at Indiana University and an author of this study. "To ask a large sample of men what comprises their own sense of masculinity is very useful for both the media and for research. These results suggest we should pay attention and ask rather than presume we know."
"Findings of the study include:

• Overall, being seen as honorable was considered the most important quality in the construct of masculinity.
  
• Compared to men without erectile dysfunction, the experience of erectile dysfunction neither increased nor decreased the importance men placed on having an active sex life or having success with women, although men with erectile dysfunction reported less satisfaction with their sex lives.
  
• Men who seek treatment for erectile dysfunction do not differ in their views of masculinity from those who do not seek help.
  "Being seen as a man of honor" was cited as the most important attribute of masculine identity in Spain, Brazil, Mexico, United States and France, while "being in control of your own life" was the most important in Germany, the United Kingdom and Italy.

"The findings emphasize that men across cultures and ages value couple relationships over purely sexual pleasure and indicate that men are particularly concerned about their partnered relationships, whether or not they report erectile dysfunction."

Here's what I think:

The results of this study should be reassuring to men around the world, and to the women who love them. Men often get labeled as being focused on physical characteristics, either of themselves or of their mates, or on their sexual appetites. This study suggests that the core needs of men reflect issues of character, not just issues of physical pleasure or perfection.

In many years of dealing with men, many of them will tell me that the sense of honor is one of the predominant traits that they hold to. While divorce rates in the United States, demonstrate that more than two thirds of separations and divorces are precipitated by women, this study helps to elucidate why men will stay in marriage, even in times when they are not happy. Men will frequently refer to the sense of honor and duty as a reason that they stay in marriage. Moreover, as the finding of this study suggests, men deeply desire harmonious family life and good relationships with their wives. This further supports the rationale behind husbands’ ongoing efforts to stick with their marriage vows.

While some in our society believe we are moving toward a unisex culture, and continue to look for signs that men are becoming more metrosexual than ever, the results of this study reflect one stereotype about men that continues to be true: They are action oriented. The main message of the study is that what matters for men is the answer to the following question: What is the end result of the efforts that I make? When a man can look at his life and see that the decisions and actions he has taken reflect honor, integrity, and the capacity to follow through on his promise, nothing can be more satisfying.

The Sea Legs of Marriage

A couple days ago, I had a very engaging radio interview with Dr. Jane Greer, in which we discussed my first book, The Secrets of Happily Married Men. Here’s the broadcast:
http://view.liveindexer.com/ASXGenerator.aspx?mediaSKU=euY%2bp2bmrySG1aRvbELjlA%3d%3d

It was an interesting conversation, during which we had an opportunity to discuss some of the challenges of helping marriages survive in today's times. Dr. Greer mentioned how many times people seem to bail out of marriage, "before they can get their sea legs." As Dr. Greer pointed this out, it occurred to me that the metaphor of sea legs was particularly apt.

For anyone that's ever done any sailing, or even gone on the Block Island ferry, you'll know that “sea legs” describes the adaptation of Homo sapiens to the entirely unnatural experience of the rising, falling and rocking of a boat on the water. Any person about to embark on a sea voyage has to accept the great possibility that the waters aren't always going to be smooth. Give it some time, however, and your body adapts. No longer are you flying back and forth over the deck of a ship, but in good time your sea legs help you remain steady.

When a couple meet and fall in love, they envision marriage will lead them to a place of serenity and peace. They picked out this very special partner, after all, because of the very special future that a shared relationship promised. When they exchange rings and, at last, take their vows both bride and groom are sure that calm waters are ahead.

Ideally, they would have smooth sailing through the rest of their lives. Rarely does the ideal meet the real. Every couple comes across times in their marriage, some sooner, some later, when a storm hits. At this point, many couples take a look at their marriage and conclude that difficult times are a reflection of deep-seated problems in their partner, or a reflection of some form of marital incompatibility or in tolerability. These couples might reason, "I married to have a quieter, safer, more gratifying and pleasant life. Clearly, marriage is not working out as I thought it would, and I'd better cut my losses!" They conclude that their marriage is wrong, one big mistake, and make the decision to divorce. They don't understand the need to develop sea legs; the very fact that they are in rough waters indicates that they embarked on the wrong trip.

Happily married couples realize that stormy weather and rough seas are a normal part of marriage. To them, having conflicts, disagreements, or even hard feelings are a motivation to improve themselves and increase their capacity to build a relationship with another human. Because they stay on these rough waters, and refuse to turn the ship around, they learn how to withstand the marital maelstrom. They do, in fact, develop sea legs. In time, when they reach smooth waters again, they not only found that they have developed better relationship skills, but together with a life partner, they progress further toward their life goals.

The optimist in me wishes only smooth waters for each couple. The realist in me recognizes that everybody will hit marital storms. The doctor in me wishes to help each and every couple improve their abilities to develop sea legs, and experience the joy that marriage over a lifetime can bring.