What should I do if an old flame calls or emails me?

Dr. Scott answer's reader's questions

What should I do if an old flame calls or emails me?
 -Jeff


This issue here is that you, Jeff, loving husband or boyfriend, are going about your business when, with no provocation on your part, you get a call from an old flame.

Your situation falls into one of three categories.

Category 1: You welcome the call. After all, while you’re not dating the ex now, you may have parted on good terms. You really like this gal, and getting an email or call may cheer you up, and stoke fond recollections of “the good ol’ days.”

Category 2: Your ex is the spawning of an evil seed, who make Cruella DeVille seem like Mother Theresa. You can’t stand to be near her or think of her, and you’re rather listen to fingernails on a chalkboard than hear her voice on the other end of the line.

The third category, and the most likely one, is that, while you don’ hold any bad feelings, and, you may still have a soft place in your heart for her, the relationship with this woman is over, and you have no real desire to make life more complicated for yourself by wanting to rekindle a connection.

Well, one way or another, either the phone rings or your computer chimes “You’ve got mail,” and now you have a decision to make. If you can’t stand the gal, then you’re job is pretty easy: simply and politely tell her that you’re not interested in pursuing a relationship, and ask her to put you on her “no call list.” If she continues to call, call the cops, and file a stalking charge.

However, things aren’t always the easy or that clear cut, and that’s where your wife’s or girlfriend’s feelings come into play. It is rare that a guy marries a woman who welcomes your old friends—lovers or not—into your life with open arms—a woman who invites them over, and enjoys hearing stories of your exploits together. If you have such a woman, don’t take advantage of her good nature by crossing any boundaries, such as arranging private moments with your ex, or keeping any emails or calls secret.

You’ll notice I said that a guy rarely finds such a wife, because the truth is that most women don’t want the other woman (even if she was the other woman from three decades ago) in your life. In that case, when the phone rings as you and your wife are just loading the dishes into the dishwasher, and you hear a voice from the distant past, it’s good to know what to do.

First, don’t hide from your current partner the fact that you heard from your past woman. Believe me, eventually she’ll find out, and when she does, she’ll focus on your failure to tell her, and you’ll lose a lot of trust. Once you do reveal the communiqué, though, she’ll want to know what happened next.

One problem is that you may be excited to hear from her. My advice: don’t let your interest in her life or her activities take precedence over your interest in your wife. In your mind, you may say, “I’ve got plenty of space in my brain for interest in the lives of both these women,” and it might be true. But it’s a zero-sum-gain to your wife, and, in her mind, every ounce of effort you expend in delving into the life of your ex is energy extracted from your relationship with her. My advice--as much as you may truly care about the goings on of your ex-lover—is to keep that door to the past closed, and let her know after her first hello that you’ve moved on and don’t wish to have any further conversation.

If you don’t hate this woman, then you don’t want to be rude. And that’s another problem. After all, for just about everyone who calls (with the possible exception of the telemarketer) you give them an ear, and try not to show any signs of rudeness. So if your past girlfriends wants to talk for a while, and rekindle a little bit of connection, you may feel it’s rude to rush her off the phone. My advice: be polite to your wife, not the person on the other end of the phone line whom you have no current relationships with. Your obligation is to the Mrs, not to the ex, so if your wife feels it’s rude to keep a conversation going, and you and the other woman find it rude to hang up precipitously, go with your wife’s definition of rude. She’s the one you’ll be spending the night, and the rest of your life, with.

And in the case of email, I recommend that you consult with your wife. Show her the email, express an interest in not pursuing it any further, and ask which she thinks would be best—for you to replay with a brief email that your wife sees before you send it, saying “It’s nice to hear from you, but I think it’s best we don’t communicate,” or to not respond at all. Remember, just because someone sends you and email, you’re not under any obligation to respond.