Secrets to a happy marriage, put down the Blackberry and join the relationship
August 17th, 2010 8:55 pm
By Marina Meyer
From the Blog of the Chicago Marriage Examiner

Author Dr. Haltzman advises couples on how to celebrate their marriage.

According to Dr. Scott Haltzman, there are additional layers of complexity when it comes to some hot-button issues that several couples face today. That’s why it’s important that spouses recognize that their partner has different needs than you, and that you team up together side-by-side instead of judge.

Chicago Marriage Examiner chatted with Haltzman, founder and editor of DrScott.com and 365Reasons.com and author of The Secrets of Happily Married Men, The Secrets of Happily Married Women and The Secrets of Happy Families, to explain what some of today’s hot-button issues are and why couples should live by the 365 reasons why marriage rocks.


Chicago Marriage Examiner: What are some hot-button topics that today’s couples face? How are these problems different or more complex than before?

Dr. Scott Haltzman: In the last century, the nature of marriage has changed. Whereas marriage frequently happened for reproductive, economic or political reasons, the expectations of marriage today are not only for a partner who shares in your desire for a family, but also partner that meets many of your emotional needs as well. The most common areas of arguments among families deal with money, sex, housework, in-laws and conflict over raising children.

There are additional layers of complexity related to households today compared to generations past. For instance, the influx of an electronic world into the household (beyond television) is often a source of additional stress for a family. In traditional households where men returned home from work after women, there is the additional complaint of "he runs to his computer and checks his e-mail" or "he has his Blackberry with him all day, even on the weekends."

Chicago Marriage Examiner: Your website, www.365reasons.com, offers a reason a day as to why marriage is good. Name some Top 10 reasons why marriage rocks.

Haltzman:


1. You live longer.

2. You accrue more wealth over the period of your life.

3. You demonstrate the ability to keep a promise in front of your friends and in front of God.

4. You have someone to share your day-to-day experiences with that is able to hold within them a bigger context that involves a lifetime of sharing day-to-day experiences.

5. You have a lifelong cheerleader to support you in times when you feel at a disadvantage.

6. You are able to provide a unified team in front of your children.

7. You have the opportunity to learn about a deeper and more enriching love than you have ever experienced before.

8. You learn how to compromise and, as a consequence, get exposed to new ideas and new situations that you never would have had without your spouse.

9. You have a sounding board for new ideas and an automatic brainstorming team.

10. In the event you become ill, there's someone to advocate for you to take care of you.

Chicago Marriage Examiner: What are some secrets to a happily married man, woman and family? Why do so many couples today fail to recognize or acknowledge these secrets?

Haltzman: The No. 1 secret of happy couples is the ability to recognize that your partner has needs different than yours. Rather than judge that partner, or try to change him or her, happy partners accept those differences and strive to find ways to make their partners happy. Those who have happy marriages primarily experience happiness because they see joy in their partner. The reason so many couples fail to recognize or acknowledge this secret is because society has reinforced for us our "right" to be happy, and when episodes of discontent impose themselves on the marriage, people are less inclined to ask how they themselves can change, and frequently look to their partner, expecting that he or she will change in order to assure their own happiness. When that partner fails to rise to that expectation, the knee-jerk reaction is to dismiss that partner.

Happy families function best when people have clear and realistic understandings of and expectations for each member of the family. It's important for the leaders of the family to be consistent in the message they give their children. All of the activities that are done both by individuals and as a family as a whole reflect the core values that define each unique family.

Chicago Marriage Examiner: Provide some additional information not discussed in above questions.

Haltzman: We live in a society that has geared us to believe that we deserve the best, and has imbued us with a certain doubt that what we have isn't quite good enough. There's a certain restlessness about our culture, and it's difficult to commit to a lifetime experience that may not always provide the joy and pleasure that we have come to accept as our birthright. Nonetheless, the couples that do learn how to work toward having an excellent relationship, improving their communication, and accepting each other's failings end up having a deeper level of emotional development that only such a profound commitment like marriage can bring.

It's interesting to me how many sacrifices a parent is willing to make for a child, such as listening to endless boring stories, watching sports events where the child may be sidelined 90 percent of the time, or tolerating all kinds of trans questions and faults while returning with copious amounts of love. Yet when our spouse attempts to tell us a boring story, asks us to watch him or her participate in sports, or screws up, there is much less tolerance and acceptance, and a nagging belief that "this is not the right person for me." Acceptance, appreciation, flexibility and commitment are the keys to maintaining happy lives and building the core of a happy family.