The Sea Legs of Marriage

A couple days ago, I had a very engaging radio interview with Dr. Jane Greer, in which we discussed my first book, The Secrets of Happily Married Men. Here’s the broadcast:
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It was an interesting conversation, during which we had an opportunity to discuss some of the challenges of helping marriages survive in today's times. Dr. Greer mentioned how many times people seem to bail out of marriage, "before they can get their sea legs." As Dr. Greer pointed this out, it occurred to me that the metaphor of sea legs was particularly apt.

For anyone that's ever done any sailing, or even gone on the Block Island ferry, you'll know that “sea legs” describes the adaptation of Homo sapiens to the entirely unnatural experience of the rising, falling and rocking of a boat on the water. Any person about to embark on a sea voyage has to accept the great possibility that the waters aren't always going to be smooth. Give it some time, however, and your body adapts. No longer are you flying back and forth over the deck of a ship, but in good time your sea legs help you remain steady.

When a couple meet and fall in love, they envision marriage will lead them to a place of serenity and peace. They picked out this very special partner, after all, because of the very special future that a shared relationship promised. When they exchange rings and, at last, take their vows both bride and groom are sure that calm waters are ahead.

Ideally, they would have smooth sailing through the rest of their lives. Rarely does the ideal meet the real. Every couple comes across times in their marriage, some sooner, some later, when a storm hits. At this point, many couples take a look at their marriage and conclude that difficult times are a reflection of deep-seated problems in their partner, or a reflection of some form of marital incompatibility or in tolerability. These couples might reason, "I married to have a quieter, safer, more gratifying and pleasant life. Clearly, marriage is not working out as I thought it would, and I'd better cut my losses!" They conclude that their marriage is wrong, one big mistake, and make the decision to divorce. They don't understand the need to develop sea legs; the very fact that they are in rough waters indicates that they embarked on the wrong trip.

Happily married couples realize that stormy weather and rough seas are a normal part of marriage. To them, having conflicts, disagreements, or even hard feelings are a motivation to improve themselves and increase their capacity to build a relationship with another human. Because they stay on these rough waters, and refuse to turn the ship around, they learn how to withstand the marital maelstrom. They do, in fact, develop sea legs. In time, when they reach smooth waters again, they not only found that they have developed better relationship skills, but together with a life partner, they progress further toward their life goals.

The optimist in me wishes only smooth waters for each couple. The realist in me recognizes that everybody will hit marital storms. The doctor in me wishes to help each and every couple improve their abilities to develop sea legs, and experience the joy that marriage over a lifetime can bring.