tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-61276673574270427032024-03-13T10:13:55.488-07:00From The Desk of Dr. ScottDr Haltzmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15203844242713411011noreply@blogger.comBlogger49125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6127667357427042703.post-38412137510026581062013-07-07T15:57:00.001-07:002013-07-07T16:46:55.701-07:00When does intimacy between friends cross the line?<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<o:OfficeDocumentSettings>
<o:AllowPNG/>
</o:OfficeDocumentSettings>
</xml><![endif]-->
<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<w:WordDocument>
<w:View>Normal</w:View>
<w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom>
<w:TrackMoves/>
<w:TrackFormatting/>
<w:PunctuationKerning/>
<w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/>
<w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>
<w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent>
<w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>
<w:DoNotPromoteQF/>
<w:LidThemeOther>EN-US</w:LidThemeOther>
<w:LidThemeAsian>JA</w:LidThemeAsian>
<w:LidThemeComplexScript>X-NONE</w:LidThemeComplexScript>
<w:Compatibility>
<w:BreakWrappedTables/>
<w:SnapToGridInCell/>
<w:WrapTextWithPunct/>
<w:UseAsianBreakRules/>
<w:DontGrowAutofit/>
<w:SplitPgBreakAndParaMark/>
<w:EnableOpenTypeKerning/>
<w:DontFlipMirrorIndents/>
<w:OverrideTableStyleHps/>
<w:UseFELayout/>
</w:Compatibility>
<m:mathPr>
<m:mathFont m:val="Cambria Math"/>
<m:brkBin m:val="before"/>
<m:brkBinSub m:val="--"/>
<m:smallFrac m:val="off"/>
<m:dispDef/>
<m:lMargin m:val="0"/>
<m:rMargin m:val="0"/>
<m:defJc m:val="centerGroup"/>
<m:wrapIndent m:val="1440"/>
<m:intLim m:val="subSup"/>
<m:naryLim m:val="undOvr"/>
</m:mathPr></w:WordDocument>
</xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<w:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" DefUnhideWhenUsed="true"
DefSemiHidden="true" DefQFormat="false" DefPriority="99"
LatentStyleCount="276">
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="0" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Normal"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="heading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 9"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 9"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="35" QFormat="true" Name="caption"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="10" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" Name="Default Paragraph Font"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="11" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtitle"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="22" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Strong"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="20" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="0" Name="Normal (Web)"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="59" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Table Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Placeholder Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="No Spacing"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Revision"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="34" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="List Paragraph"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="29" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="30" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="19" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtle Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="21" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="31" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtle Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="32" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="33" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Book Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="37" Name="Bibliography"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" QFormat="true" Name="TOC Heading"/>
</w:LatentStyles>
</xml><![endif]-->
<!--[if gte mso 10]>
<style>
/* Style Definitions */
table.MsoNormalTable
{mso-style-name:"Table Normal";
mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0;
mso-tstyle-colband-size:0;
mso-style-noshow:yes;
mso-style-priority:99;
mso-style-parent:"";
mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt;
mso-para-margin:0in;
mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt;
mso-pagination:widow-orphan;
font-size:10.0pt;
font-family:"Times New Roman";
mso-fareast-language:JA;}
</style>
<![endif]-->
<!--StartFragment-->
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia; font-size: x-small;">This blog was initially posted on </span><a href="http://www.yourtango.com/experts/scott-haltzman/10-ways-make-sure-friend-doesnt-become-lover" style="font-family: Georgia; font-size: small;" target="_blank">YourTango.com</a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 10.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia; font-size: 15.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Georgia; mso-fareast-language: JA;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 10.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia;">In a previous <a href="http://www.yourtango.com/experts/scott-haltzman/three-friends-will-destroy-your-marriage" target="_blank">blog post</a> , I explained that the best way
to avoid having an affair is to be wary of people who don't care about the
happiness of your marriage. Many people worry that the only solution to this
problem is to avoid anyone of the opposite sex—but that's simply not true!
Think about it: If you were to follow this advice to the extreme, half the
world would be off-limits to every married person!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 10.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia;">Men and women interact
all the time despite the reality that a sexual attraction could spark between
them. Well-dressed women sit at the boardroom table with dapper men, stylish
female sales representatives drop in on male doctors during lunch breaks and
well-built male physical trainers gently place their female clients' body parts
in the proper positions on the elliptical machine. Moreover, men and women
interact in work cubicles, university lab benches, art, acting and yoga studios
throughout the world.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 10.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<b><span style="font-family: Georgia;">Friend Or Foe To The
Marriage?</span></b><span style="font-family: Georgia;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 10.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia;">Can people who are
potentially sexually attracted to each other form friendships and still be true
to their marriage? I believe they can. It is possible to be open to
spending time with, work, study or create side-by-side with someone of the
opposite sex (if heterosexual) or of the same sex (if gay or lesbian). But as
the friendship evolves, it's the responsibility of the married individual to
pay attention to the nature of the relationship. Feeling comfortable around
someone is a blessing. But if you or they are starting to feel very close
emotionally, it may be a big warning sign. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 10.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia;">When you are with someone
who could tempt you to compromise your commitment to your spouse, ask yourself
one question: Is this new person a friend of my marriage? If he or she is a
great buddy of yours, but doesn't care to know about, or interact with, your
spouse, then that could spell trouble for your marriage. I discuss this in
detail in my new book,<a href="http://www.amazon.com/Secrets-Surviving-Infidelity-Scott-Haltzman/dp/1421409429/ref=la_B001JSDZL8_1_5?ie=UTF8&qid=1361579856&sr=1-5" target="_blank"> <i>The Secrets of Surviving Infidelity. </i></a><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 10.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<b><span style="font-family: Georgia;"><br /></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 10.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<b><span style="font-family: Georgia;">Drawing The Line Between
Friendship And Something More</span></b><span style="font-family: Georgia;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 10.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia;">If you're not sure about
what kind of friend this is, it may take some soul searching on your part.
There are instances when it's not clear whether someone has crossed a boundary
and become a threat to the marriage. In those cases, you must seek the opinion
of the one person who matters most: your spouse.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 10.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia;">If your friend is someone
of the opposite sex (or of the same sex if you are so attracted), here are some
guidelines to help figure out whether that person should be considered a true
friend or someone who will put your marriage at risk:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 10.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<b><span style="font-family: Georgia;">1. Your partner must feel
comfortable around this person.</span></b><span style="font-family: Georgia;"> He
or she doesn't have to necessarily have to feel spiritually bonded to your
friend, but there should be a sense of comfort about your spending time with
him or her.<b><o:p></o:p></b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 10.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<b><span style="font-family: Georgia;">2. Keep family bonds.</span></b><span style="font-family: Georgia;"> Your new friend must be willing to form a connection
with your spouse and your family. Not just as a way to spend more time with
you, but out of genuine interest in being a part of your complete life.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 10.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<b><span style="font-family: Georgia;">3. Hide no secrets.</span></b><span style="font-family: Georgia;"> You should neither give nor receive any secret
communications. Any and all contact with your friend should be in full
knowledge of your partner. If you find yourself meeting with your friend by
accident somewhere, you should immediately zip a text back home telling your
partner that you ran into each other.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 10.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<b><span style="font-family: Georgia;">4. Speak no evil.</span></b><span style="font-family: Georgia;"> Under no circumstances should your friendship include
discussions about your mate’s faults in anything but the most general terms.
Explaining a husband's mismatched shirt and tie as, "Scott doesn’t have a
good eye for color" is acceptable; commenting that the lawn isn't mowed
because "Scott is too lazy to get around to it," is not.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 10.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<b><span style="font-family: Georgia;">5. Hear no evil.</span></b><span style="font-family: Georgia;"> Likewise, your friend should not use your
relationship to talk about faults in his or her partner.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 10.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<b><span style="font-family: Georgia;">6. No special
understandings.</span></b><span style="font-family: Georgia;"> Never be in a position
to say to your friend, "I'm telling you this because my partner wouldn't
understand," or otherwise hinting that your friend appreciates you in ways
that your spouse does not.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 10.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<b><span style="font-family: Georgia;">7.</span></b><span style="font-family: Georgia;"> <b>No pillow talk.</b> Under no circumstances should
you be talking about any sexual issues with your friend. It's fine to discuss
the news of your favorite Karashian's romantic exploits, but any discussion
about your personal sexual preferences or experiences is strictly off limits.
Avoid situations that can stir up physical intimacy, such as candlelight
dinners, sitting in saunas without spouses around or entering a dance marathon
together. You may not feel any romantic inclination toward your friend before
doing these things, but the right situation can breed new interest.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 10.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<b><span style="font-family: Georgia;">8. Minimize rituals.</span></b><span style="font-family: Georgia;"> You should not develop habits of exclusively having
alone time with your friend. It's critical that your family periodically be
included in get-togethers. Be very cautious about regular rituals that you and
your friend have. It's okay to say, "We always watch the Bristol Fourth of
July parade together," but not, "Every morning, we go on a power walk
together," unless you have your partner's OK.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 10.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<b><span style="font-family: Georgia;">9. Stay sober. </span></b><span style="font-family: Georgia;">You should never engage in excessive drinking or any
illegal drug use with this friend, as sharing "sins" together
develops false intimacy, and substance abuse lowers inhibitions.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 10.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<b><span style="font-family: Georgia;">10. Pay attention to your
emotions.</span></b><span style="font-family: Georgia;"> If you begin to feel a
romantic attraction to the other person, or if this person begins to express
one to you, you must immediately break off all relationships with that person.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia;">I'm glad we live in a
society where men and women can share time, thoughts and even friendships. But married
men and women must be vigilant for risks of potential infidelity, and do
everything in their power to be sure that any individual friend is also a
friend of the marriage.</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<!--EndFragment-->Dr Haltzmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15203844242713411011noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6127667357427042703.post-35531759991949824092013-06-18T16:44:00.000-07:002013-06-18T16:45:59.239-07:00Affairs: The Relationship Between Infidelity & Addiction<span class="deck" style="color: #666666; font-family: 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 14px;"><br /></span>
<span class="deck" style="color: #666666; font-family: 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 14px;">Part 1: In the first of a 3-part series </span><span class="headline" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">(originally published at <a href="http://www.hitchedmag.com/article.php?id=1599" target="_blank">HitchedMag.c</a></span><span class="headline" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><a href="http://www.hitchedmag.com/article.php?id=1599" target="_blank">om</a>)</span><br />
<span class="byline" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 10px; font-weight: bold;">BY DR. SCOTT HALTZMAN</span><br />
<table align="left" border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="4" style="width: 50px;"><tbody>
<tr><td valign="top"><div align="left">
<img border="0" src="http://www.hitchedmag.com/images/article/life_advice_truthaffairs_0513.jpg" style="border: 0px;" /><br />
<div align="left">
<span class="image_article_credit" style="color: #999999; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 9px;">DepositPhoto </span><br />
<span class="article_caption" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 9px;">There's a similarity between cheaters and those who have an addiction.</span></div>
</div>
<hr width="95%" />
<div align="left">
<br />
<div class="p402_hide">
<span class="oquote" style="color: #cccccc; float: left; font-family: 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 164px; height: 1px; left: -0.025em; margin-top: -46px; position: relative; z-index: -1;">“</span></div>
</div>
</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<div class="p402_premium">
<span class="body" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;">After decades studying human behavior, I had a revelation that has since colored my perception of infidelity: <i>Almost everything that happens to an addict happens to someone who has an affair.</i><br /><br />Think about drug and alcohol abuse for a moment: Not only does the syndrome result in abuse of substances, but it includes hiding behaviors from others, lying about activities, investing time and money seeking a chemical high, and changing just about every aspect of one’s life. Moreover, most of these individuals have wished to break away from their substances of abuse, but doing so has proved very difficult. Doesn’t that sound an awful lot like what happens when someone has an affair?<br /><br />So, we’re talking about "sex addiction," right?<br /><br />Wrong.<br /><br />Sex addiction is a specific kind of addiction, the existence of which is highly contested by researchers in psychiatry. When sex addiction is addressed as a problem, experts refer to individuals (mostly men) who crave sex—specifically sexual release—as in orgasm.<br /><br />Now, there’s nothing wrong for wanting sex. After all, it’s encoded in DNA for sex to be pleasurable. I’d venture to guess that there was a time during virtually every teenage boy’s life when sex constantly consumed his thoughts.<br /><br />But sex addiction is different than enjoying sex or wanting to experience a sexual liaison. For sex addicts, it’s an <i>obsession.</i> Things that remind them of sexual release will initiate a cascade of intense yearning, and drive them to seek sexual release in whatever way they can. Often these people have learned how to skillfully entice other men or women into having sexual relations with them, even though their desire for sex is not driven by feelings of emotional connection or love. Often, sex addicts will hire prostitutes or pay for "happy ending" massages. Sometimes, in the absence of contact with other people, the sex addict will turn to pornography and masturbation as a way to find relief from these urges. Like other addicts, this person will spend an inordinate amount of time preoccupied with the thing that gives them a high—sex—while hiding the obsession from others.<br /><br />If you’ve gone to a therapist after an affair and you’ve been told that you or your partner are addicted to sex, look carefully at the paragraph above. Does that describe either one of you? In most cases of infidelity, the issue is not about sex addiction. Enjoying sex is normal. Feeling that there are others who may give you more sex, or better sex, than your spouse is, regrettably, also very common. It doesn't prove you’re addicted to sex, though. Ask yourself the following questions to help understand whether your problem is a sex addiction or something else.<br /><br /><span class="bold_body" style="font-weight: bold;">*</span> Even before the affair, I was obsessed with sex to the point where my desire interfered with being able to accomplish important things.<br /><br /><span class="bold_body" style="font-weight: bold;">*</span> I have a deep yearning for sex as one of the only ways I can feel "normal" and sometimes it doesn’t even matter whom it is with.<br /><br /><span class="bold_body" style="font-weight: bold;">*</span> I use sex as a way to escape my typical problems either at work or at home.<br /><br /><span class="bold_body" style="font-weight: bold;">*</span> I spend hours every week on the internet looking at images of sex or sexually provocative images of people I don’t know.<br /><br /><span class="bold_body" style="font-weight: bold;">*</span> I spend several hours a month on the internet engaging in sexual-related chatting or IMing with individuals I don’t know.<br /><br /><span class="bold_body" style="font-weight: bold;">*</span> I usually have to masturbate or have sex at least twice daily in order to concentrate on normal work or relationship requirements.<br /><br /><span class="bold_body" style="font-weight: bold;">*</span> I frequently pay for or exchange favors for sex with people I don’t feel an emotional connection to. When I complete the act, I feel temporarily satisfied, but the feeling quickly goes away and I feel ashamed or guilty.<br /><br /><span class="bold_body" style="font-weight: bold;">*</span> Anonymous sex appeals to me, and I feel more comfortable with it than sex with someone I know.<br /><br />If you have answered "Yes" to four or more of the questions, then you may suffer from sex addiction and you’ll probably need more individualized help for your problem than this article can provide for you. (<a class="gray_link" href="http://saa-recovery.org/" style="color: #666666; font-size: 13px; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Sex Addicts Anonymous</a> is an excellent resource for getting help.) Most of the people I have treated, however, even those who use pornography or visit prostitutes, answer no to most of these questions. They do not have a sexual addiction.<br /><br />I began this article by looking at affairs and drawing parallels to addictions. Then I described a specific type of addiction, sex addiction, and concluded that most affairs <i>do not</i> happen for that reason. Confused? At this point, you might ask, "if people having affairs like people who have addiction, but they don’t have a sex addiction, what kind of addiction is it?"<br /><br />Infidelity is a <i>flame</i> addiction. In my <a class="gray_link" href="http://www.hitchedmag.com/article.php?id=1600" style="color: #666666; font-size: 13px; text-decoration: none;">next article,</a> I’ll describe the phenomenon of flame addiction, and discuss what you can do to help conquer it.</span></div>
Dr Haltzmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15203844242713411011noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6127667357427042703.post-19689787050491369112013-04-26T16:57:00.000-07:002013-04-26T16:57:00.190-07:00<br />
<div class="page-title" style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px; padding-left: 0px; padding-top: 10px; width: 640px;">
<h1 style="color: #333333; font-size: 22px; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">
What's the Value of Saving a Marriage?</h1>
</div>
<div class="article-abstract" style="background-color: white; color: #666666; font-family: Arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 20px;">
Therapists with pro-marriage bias can help couples ravaged by infidelity</div>
<div class="article-meta" style="background-color: white; background-position: 50% 100%; background-repeat: repeat no-repeat; font-family: Arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px; padding-bottom: 10px;">
<span class="submitted" style="color: #666666; font-size: 11px;">Published originally at Psychology Today on April 23, 2013 by <a href="http://www.psychologytoday.com/experts/scott-haltzman-md" style="color: #666666; text-decoration: none;" title="View Bio">Scott Haltzman, M.D.</a> in <a href="http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/surviving-infidelity" style="color: #666666; text-decoration: none;">Surviving Infidelity</a></span></div>
<div class="content" style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;">
<div class="article-content-top" style="clear: both; margin-top: 0px; padding-top: 0px;">
<a class="pt-basics-link" href="http://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/mating" style="border-bottom-color: rgb(153, 153, 153); border-bottom-style: dashed; border-bottom-width: 1px; color: black; text-decoration: none;" title="Psychology Today looks at Mating "></a>In just about a month, my newest book, <em>The Secrets of Surviving <a class="pt-basics-link" href="http://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/infidelity" style="border-bottom-color: rgb(153, 153, 153); border-bottom-style: dashed; border-bottom-width: 1px; color: #333333; text-decoration: none;" title="Psychology Today looks at Infidelity">Infidelity</a></em>, will be available for purchase. In advance of that event, I have found myself reflecting on how my <a class="pt-basics-link" href="http://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/bias" style="border-bottom-color: rgb(153, 153, 153); border-bottom-style: dashed; border-bottom-width: 1px; color: #333333; text-decoration: none;" title="Psychology Today looks at Bias">biases</a> affect the content of the book.<br />
Consider a review of my book communicated to me by Barry McCarthy, one of the world’s most renowned <a class="pt-basics-link" href="http://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/sex" style="border-bottom-color: rgb(153, 153, 153); border-bottom-style: dashed; border-bottom-width: 1px; color: #333333; text-decoration: none;" title="Psychology Today looks at Sex">sex</a> and relationship experts. While he praises the book, Dr. McCarthy notes: “Of the books in this value-ladened field, the Haltzman book is the most pro-marriage and takes a clear stance about avoiding affairs.” When I received an email with Dr. McCarthy’s comments, I was struck by the implication of the review: That my approach was, first, “value-ladened” (like the rest of my field), and that it was more “pro-marriage” than others. And beyond that, as if a rarity among books of this sort, I position myself as someone who opposes affairs.<br />
<br />
The feedback led to some reflection on my part. Over the past ten years I have researched many aspects of marital relationships through my own clinical practice and my Internet based investigation. Most researchers need to be held accountable to their own bias, and I am no different.<br />
<strong><br /></strong>
<strong>Looking at my own bias</strong><br />
<br />
Yes, I have bias. When research concludes that <a class="pt-basics-link" href="http://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/marriage" style="border-bottom-color: rgb(153, 153, 153); border-bottom-style: dashed; border-bottom-width: 1px; color: #333333; text-decoration: none;" title="Psychology Today looks at Marriage">marriage</a> is good for your health, or leads to greater levels of <a class="pt-basics-link" href="http://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/happiness" style="border-bottom-color: rgb(153, 153, 153); border-bottom-style: dashed; border-bottom-width: 1px; color: #333333; text-decoration: none;" title="Psychology Today looks at Happiness">happiness</a> or financial wealth, I am eager to embrace the results and share with my clients. If, on the other hand, a study suggests that people who are married are no better off then their single or divorced peers, I am quick to find fault with the study. Am I convinced that marriage, on average, is good for you? Yes. Are there conditions? Of course. It is clear to me that living with an individual who engages in repeated affairs, or is addicted to substances, or engages in <a class="pt-basics-link" href="http://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/domestic-violence" style="border-bottom-color: rgb(153, 153, 153); border-bottom-style: dashed; border-bottom-width: 1px; color: #333333; text-decoration: none;" title="Psychology Today looks at Domestic Violence">domestic violence</a> may present a real threat to a spouse. In cases like these, marriage is not a safe place, then there may be no option but to leave.<br />
<br />
Some people feel strongly that the discovery of an affair between one partner and one affair mate should lead to the end of a marriage. I understand why they would feel that way. The emotional impact of affairs is huge. If you have been victim to an affair, then you know that no author can come close to finding the right words to reflect the vertigo-inducing loss of trust in your partner. I have heard my clients who have discovered an affair tell me, “everything I thought I knew was a lie.” Can any expert ever realistically expect that two people go back to the marital bed together after such a betrayal?<br />
<br />
Esther Perel, author of <em>Erotic <a class="pt-basics-link" href="http://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/intelligence" style="border-bottom-color: rgb(153, 153, 153); border-bottom-style: dashed; border-bottom-width: 1px; color: #333333; text-decoration: none;" title="Psychology Today looks at Intelligence">Intelligence</a></em> writes in her <a class="ext" href="http://www.estherperel.com/changing-the-view-on-infidelity/" style="color: #333333;" target="_blank">blog</a><span class="ext" style="background-image: url(http://rsrc2.psychologytoday.com/sites/all/modules/contrib/extlink/extlink.png); background-position: 100% 50%; background-repeat: no-repeat no-repeat; padding-right: 12px;"></span>: “In America, infidelity is described in terms of perpetrators and victims, damages and cost. We [Americans] are far more tolerant of <a class="pt-basics-link" href="http://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/divorce" style="border-bottom-color: rgb(153, 153, 153); border-bottom-style: dashed; border-bottom-width: 1px; color: #333333; text-decoration: none;" title="Psychology Today looks at Divorce">divorce</a> with all the dissolutions of the family structure than of transgression.” She has pointed out that many countries politicians and business leaders go unscathed when acts of infidelity are uncovered, but divorce can end a <a class="pt-basics-link" href="http://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/career" style="border-bottom-color: rgb(153, 153, 153); border-bottom-style: dashed; border-bottom-width: 1px; color: #333333; text-decoration: none;" title="Psychology Today looks at Career">career</a>.<br />
<strong><br /></strong>
<strong>Should therapists care about marriage?</strong><br />
<br />
Can, or should a doctor or therapist take a position in support of marriage? I believe they should. When people come to me looking for help coming to grips with the devastation of an affair, they deserve to know all their options. I don’t have to remind them of the option of divorce, nor do I have to remind them of the option of “throw the bum out on his/her butt!” Those are the first things that they probably thought of. But I can’t remain silent about other options as well, those of healing from an affair, improving communication, and keeping a family together.<br />
<br />
When I think of the “pro-marriage” label I place myself in the shoes of clients who come to see me in my office. Years before scheduling an appointment with me, the upbeat couples had scheduled an appointment with a priest, rabbi, minister or justice of the peace because they wanted to spend the rest of their lives together. I didn’t make the couple’s decision to marry each other; they did. They know, and I know, that an affair shakes a marriage to its core. However, as a practitioner, if I can help couples to see that there is a way to survive infidelity, I may ultimately take them closer to realizing their <a class="pt-basics-link" href="http://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/dreaming" style="border-bottom-color: rgb(153, 153, 153); border-bottom-style: dashed; border-bottom-width: 1px; color: #333333; text-decoration: none;" title="Psychology Today looks at Dreaming">dreams</a> of a lifetime together. It’s worth a try. It’s worth more than a try, it’s worth putting all my heart and soul into it. Because in this value laden field, I believe that marriages can be saved. </div>
</div>
Dr Haltzmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15203844242713411011noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6127667357427042703.post-6663068406119944972013-04-11T17:49:00.000-07:002013-04-11T17:55:53.015-07:00Boss Fires Worker Because She Is Too Attractive <!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<o:OfficeDocumentSettings>
<o:AllowPNG/>
</o:OfficeDocumentSettings>
</xml><![endif]-->
<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<w:WordDocument>
<w:View>Normal</w:View>
<w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom>
<w:TrackMoves/>
<w:TrackFormatting/>
<w:PunctuationKerning/>
<w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/>
<w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>
<w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent>
<w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>
<w:DoNotPromoteQF/>
<w:LidThemeOther>EN-US</w:LidThemeOther>
<w:LidThemeAsian>JA</w:LidThemeAsian>
<w:LidThemeComplexScript>X-NONE</w:LidThemeComplexScript>
<w:Compatibility>
<w:BreakWrappedTables/>
<w:SnapToGridInCell/>
<w:WrapTextWithPunct/>
<w:UseAsianBreakRules/>
<w:DontGrowAutofit/>
<w:SplitPgBreakAndParaMark/>
<w:EnableOpenTypeKerning/>
<w:DontFlipMirrorIndents/>
<w:OverrideTableStyleHps/>
<w:UseFELayout/>
</w:Compatibility>
<m:mathPr>
<m:mathFont m:val="Cambria Math"/>
<m:brkBin m:val="before"/>
<m:brkBinSub m:val="--"/>
<m:smallFrac m:val="off"/>
<m:dispDef/>
<m:lMargin m:val="0"/>
<m:rMargin m:val="0"/>
<m:defJc m:val="centerGroup"/>
<m:wrapIndent m:val="1440"/>
<m:intLim m:val="subSup"/>
<m:naryLim m:val="undOvr"/>
</m:mathPr></w:WordDocument>
</xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<w:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" DefUnhideWhenUsed="true"
DefSemiHidden="true" DefQFormat="false" DefPriority="99"
LatentStyleCount="276">
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="0" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Normal"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="heading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 9"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 9"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="35" QFormat="true" Name="caption"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="10" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" Name="Default Paragraph Font"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="11" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtitle"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="22" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Strong"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="20" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="59" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Table Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Placeholder Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="No Spacing"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Revision"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="34" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="List Paragraph"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="29" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="30" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="19" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtle Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="21" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="31" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtle Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="32" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="33" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Book Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="37" Name="Bibliography"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" QFormat="true" Name="TOC Heading"/>
</w:LatentStyles>
</xml><![endif]-->
<!--[if gte mso 10]>
<style>
/* Style Definitions */
table.MsoNormalTable
{mso-style-name:"Table Normal";
mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0;
mso-tstyle-colband-size:0;
mso-style-noshow:yes;
mso-style-priority:99;
mso-style-parent:"";
mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt;
mso-para-margin:0in;
mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt;
mso-pagination:widow-orphan;
font-size:10.0pt;
font-family:"Times New Roman";
mso-fareast-language:JA;}
</style>
<![endif]-->
<!--StartFragment-->
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia; font-size: x-small;"><b>Boss Fires Worker Because She Is Too Attractive </b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia; font-size: x-small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia; font-size: x-small;">(first published in Psychologytoday.com April 10, 2013)</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia; font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia; font-size: x-small;">I
recently caught wind of a story that fell off my radar screen during the
Christmas holiday season last year: the Iowa State Supreme Court ruled that
married dentist James Knight had the right to fire his dental assistant of 10
years, Melissa Nelson, because she was “irresistible.” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: Georgia;">Ms.
Nelson claimed she was shocked because she saw her boss as a father
figure, but the court documents indicate
that for 18 months before she got fired, he had </span><span style="color: #262626; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Georgia; mso-fareast-language: JA;">begun to make inappropriate comments at work, such as:
“if she saw his pants bulging, she would know her clothing was too revealing.” One
year later they began exchanging text messages, including a question about how
frequently she had orgasms. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia; font-size: x-small;">When
Dr. Knight’s wife caught him texting her after hours, she insisted that he dismiss
her from her job. With his pastor by his
side, the dentist called Ms. Nelson into the office and fired her. She sued for
gender discrimination, but the court said that the dismissal was in Dr.
Knight’s rights. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: Georgia; font-size: xx-small; mso-bidi-font-family: Georgia; mso-fareast-language: JA;">The judges
ruled on the legal issues, and raised many hackles among labor lawyers, women’s
rights advocates and journalists. But what about the marital issues; was Dr.
Knight’s action right?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span style="font-family: Georgia; font-size: xx-small; mso-bidi-font-family: Georgia; mso-fareast-language: JA;">When an attractive other crosses your path<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: Georgia; font-size: xx-small; mso-bidi-font-family: Georgia; mso-fareast-language: JA;">I believe it
was. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: Georgia; font-size: xx-small; mso-bidi-font-family: Georgia; mso-fareast-language: JA;">Ideally the
moment two people exchange rings on the altar, they would never again look at
another person with lust or desire. The
problem is that the world is full of attractive people. And like it or not, the
more time these people spend together, at work, at the gym, or in the classroom,
they more attractive they become to each other.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: Georgia; font-size: xx-small; mso-bidi-font-family: Georgia; mso-fareast-language: JA;">There are
many reasons why two persons not married to each other (or, as in the case of
Ms. Nelson, one person) will find the other attractive. First, there’s no
baggage: no kids to argue about; no mother-in-law to push your buttons. Second,
there is bountiful possibility: before a
hook-up begins, the imagination runs amok with wild romantic and sexual fantasies. Third,
newness of any sort is exciting, and marriage is anything but new.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: Georgia; font-size: xx-small; mso-bidi-font-family: Georgia; mso-fareast-language: JA;">So what should
a married man or woman do if he or she has a gnawing desire to get into the
pants of a co-worker, gym partner or classmate. Yeah, sure, that person should
do everything in his or her power to “man up” and resist the thought. But if the resistance is too difficult, what
next?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span style="color: #262626; font-family: Georgia; font-size: xx-small; mso-bidi-font-family: Georgia; mso-fareast-language: JA;">What next? <o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: Georgia; font-size: xx-small; mso-bidi-font-family: Georgia; mso-fareast-language: JA;">If someone
is so attractive to you that you fear for your ability to stay faithful to your
marriage, the first thing to do is to tell the spouse about the attraction
before an affair begins. It won’t be an easy discussion, but the act of honest
sharing will bond a wedded couple together against any possible affair mate. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: Georgia; font-size: xx-small; mso-bidi-font-family: Georgia; mso-fareast-language: JA;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: Georgia; font-size: xx-small; mso-bidi-font-family: Georgia; mso-fareast-language: JA;">
Then what? Well, like it or not, that spouse must do everything in his or her
power to avoid contact with the person of attraction. If he or she cannot
control his or her impulse, then what choice does that married man or woman
have? In the case of Dr. Knight, he had already crossed the line too many
times; his infatuation was quickly moving in the direction of a disaster for
the marriage and his co-worker.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: Georgia; font-size: xx-small; mso-bidi-font-family: Georgia; mso-fareast-language: JA;">In cases of
potential workplace affairs, severing the connection involves making
arrangements for a new position, a new shift, or a transfer to a new location.
For non-work attractions, it might mean going to a different gym or registering
for a different class. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: Georgia; font-size: xx-small; mso-bidi-font-family: Georgia; mso-fareast-language: JA;">In Dr.
Knight’s case, it wouldn’t have made sense to closed down his practice and
move; it still would have left Ms. Nelson out of work. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: Georgia; font-size: xx-small; mso-bidi-font-family: Georgia; mso-fareast-language: JA;">His
decision wasn’t fair to his assistant; I get that. But it might have been the
only thing that he could do to protect his relationship. He did what he needed to do. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #262626; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Georgia; mso-fareast-language: JA;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">Now that
it’s just him and his missus, I’d venture a guess that he’s got a lot of work
to do on his marriage!</span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<!--EndFragment-->Dr Haltzmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15203844242713411011noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6127667357427042703.post-59619884512247993782013-02-10T09:14:00.004-08:002013-02-10T09:14:59.741-08:00Mistress Day-February 13
<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<o:OfficeDocumentSettings>
<o:AllowPNG/>
</o:OfficeDocumentSettings>
</xml><![endif]-->
<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<w:WordDocument>
<w:View>Normal</w:View>
<w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom>
<w:TrackMoves/>
<w:TrackFormatting/>
<w:PunctuationKerning/>
<w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/>
<w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>
<w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent>
<w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>
<w:DoNotPromoteQF/>
<w:LidThemeOther>EN-US</w:LidThemeOther>
<w:LidThemeAsian>JA</w:LidThemeAsian>
<w:LidThemeComplexScript>X-NONE</w:LidThemeComplexScript>
<w:Compatibility>
<w:BreakWrappedTables/>
<w:SnapToGridInCell/>
<w:WrapTextWithPunct/>
<w:UseAsianBreakRules/>
<w:DontGrowAutofit/>
<w:SplitPgBreakAndParaMark/>
<w:EnableOpenTypeKerning/>
<w:DontFlipMirrorIndents/>
<w:OverrideTableStyleHps/>
<w:UseFELayout/>
</w:Compatibility>
<m:mathPr>
<m:mathFont m:val="Cambria Math"/>
<m:brkBin m:val="before"/>
<m:brkBinSub m:val="--"/>
<m:smallFrac m:val="off"/>
<m:dispDef/>
<m:lMargin m:val="0"/>
<m:rMargin m:val="0"/>
<m:defJc m:val="centerGroup"/>
<m:wrapIndent m:val="1440"/>
<m:intLim m:val="subSup"/>
<m:naryLim m:val="undOvr"/>
</m:mathPr></w:WordDocument>
</xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<w:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" DefUnhideWhenUsed="true"
DefSemiHidden="true" DefQFormat="false" DefPriority="99"
LatentStyleCount="276">
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="0" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Normal"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="heading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 9"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 9"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="35" QFormat="true" Name="caption"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="10" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" Name="Default Paragraph Font"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="11" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtitle"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="22" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Strong"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="20" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="59" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Table Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Placeholder Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="No Spacing"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Revision"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="34" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="List Paragraph"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="29" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="30" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="19" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtle Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="21" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="31" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtle Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="32" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="33" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Book Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="37" Name="Bibliography"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" QFormat="true" Name="TOC Heading"/>
</w:LatentStyles>
</xml><![endif]-->
<!--[if gte mso 10]>
<style>
/* Style Definitions */
table.MsoNormalTable
{mso-style-name:"Table Normal";
mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0;
mso-tstyle-colband-size:0;
mso-style-noshow:yes;
mso-style-priority:99;
mso-style-parent:"";
mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt;
mso-para-margin:0in;
mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt;
mso-pagination:widow-orphan;
font-size:10.0pt;
font-family:"Times New Roman";
mso-fareast-language:JA;}
</style>
<![endif]-->
<!--StartFragment-->
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’ve been writing about marriage for quite some time now,
and just about every year, about this time, I’m prompted to write some
inspiring words about love and marriage, not just because it’s Valentine’s Day,
but because second week of February is also national marriage week. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But this year I’m going to write about the evil twin sister
of Valentine’s Day called “Mistress Day.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
People who are in romantic relationships want to celebrate
their connection each other. While each pair may celebrate its unique day in
the form of an anniversary, in Western culture only one day is devoted to in-love
couples: Valentine’s Day. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But what if you don’t happen to be coupled with the person
you’re involved with, and, worse, you are married to someone else. For those
people, the day before Valentine’s Day, February 13, has become an unofficially
recognized day for sharing time together. According to merchants, restaurant
owners and innkeepers, there is a pre-valentine’s day bump in dating behavior
by married individuals who wish to keep their extramarital relationship secret.
This has unofficially earned the name “Mistress Day,” because, more often than
not, it’s the married man arranging the date. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I suppose it makes sense for people who wish to formalize
their bond with each other to seek some way to celebrate love. It’s certainly
understandable why they would need to do it on a day other than February 14,
that day, after all, is reserved for more socially sanctioned couples. It’s
hard not to look at this day and pass judgment, as some have done with the
nickname, “Valenswine’s Day.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But I’ve studied infidelity long enough to know that people
who engage in affairs are not happy with having to sneak around; they don’t
love themselves for what they are doing; and many find themselves not knowing
how to make sense out of the split allegiances. Many report that they still
have strong love feeling for their spouses. While some individuals who cheat do
so without regard to the feelings of their mate, many tell me the affair is
something that they wish had never happened; these people want to find a way to
meet their commitment to share a lifetime together with their spouse.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Infidelity can rip apart a marriage. If you’re in an affair,
you need to choose between ending the marriage or finding a way to heal the
marriage. The first step in rebuilding is breaking free of your affair mate. It
may be harder than you ever imagined, because attraction to someone you’re
cheating with can be like an addiction. However, by cutting off communications
with that person, and putting energy back into your marriage, you can start to
get more clearheaded about what you really want. What would happen if you
showered your married mate with the attention and time you gave your affair
mate? What would happen if you could begin to do exciting things together
again, and really talk? Sure, there will be rough spots, because you’ve had
lots of tough times, but the closeness you will gain with your mate will trump
anything you can get in a extramarital fling.<br />
<!--[if !supportLineBreakNewLine]--><br />
<!--[endif]--><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So, if you’re tempted to take your mistress out this
February 13, take your wife out instead! Every day should be devoted to the
same thing that February 14 is: maintaining a commitment to improve your
marriage and foster a deeper love with the person you pledged to be with for
life.<o:p></o:p></div>
<!--EndFragment-->Dr Haltzmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15203844242713411011noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6127667357427042703.post-49504676245482691702013-01-21T08:17:00.001-08:002013-01-21T08:24:11.927-08:00Sex and the Military CommanderOnce you’ve become a general in the U.S. Military, it’s pretty hard to lose your job. You really have to mess up. And when the leaders in today’s armed forces are fired it’s not because of poor military strategy, adverse battle outcomes or poor morale. No, according to an AP article entitled “<a href="http://www.newsday.com/news/nation/sex-is-major-reason-military-commanders-are-fired-1.4481673">Sex is major reason military commanders are fired</a>,” the number one reason that generals are booted off the force is—well, the answer is in the headline, isn’t it? The types of problematic sexual behavior include “Sodomy, adultery, pornography, and more.”<br />
<br />
The article goes on to pose all kinds of theories about why this is so problematic now, and whether it reflects some great shift in the morals of our military leaders, or perhaps our country overall. Moreover, it quotes a number of military experts who all ponder the question of how, and why, this has happened over the last decade. They all want an answer to the question of how to stop this growing trend.<br />
<br />
I have a question of my own. Do the reporters, military experts and officials of the armed forces <i>really</i> think this is a <i>growing trend</i>? I sure don’t. Okay, I’ll grant you that getting booted from military command for adultery may be new, but I believe that military commanders have been engaging in adultery since the first epaulet was ever pinned on a shoulder. The collapse of morals is not some new phenomenon that army psychologists must battle with; the only difference between then and now is that 1) now the generals are getting caught and 2) the military has taken action against them instead of ignoring it.<br />
<br />
As the CIA scandal involving General Petraeus and his biographer demonstrates, the Internet is one of the reasons why keeping affairs private is so darned difficult. These days, most affairs leave an electronic trail that can be traced back to the first days the parties met, and ensnare military leaders in nets they cannot extricate themselves from. After that, what choice does the central command have but to boot them?<br />
<br />
So, what response does the military have? According to the article, “ethics training,” is a big part of the solution. Maybe. But do you really believe that the military commanders don’t know the difference between right and wrong? I think a better part of the answer ought to be in marriage education. These guys (and most, if not all, of them are guys) have high-pressure jobs, are often away from home, and may be in a phase of their marriages when sex isn’t (how do I put this…) as forthcoming as it had been when they were dating. Teaching both the commanders and their spouses how to keep excitement alive in marriage, how to foster good connections and maintain a passionate bond—even when they are apart—will probably do as much for cutting down on affairs as a lecture about good versus bad.<br />
<br />
Infidelity is a bad act that sometimes is engaged in by a good person. Helping individuals to learn how to enact appropriate boundaries in non-marital relationships, and helping couples learn how to work together to support each other in monogamy, is a good investment for any marriage, and for our country.
Dr Haltzmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15203844242713411011noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6127667357427042703.post-43996174079734850472012-02-26T07:26:00.007-08:002012-02-26T07:44:55.141-08:00Good outweighs bad: infidelity outcomesOn my Facebook post from February 20, 2012, I wrote: <br /><br />"Ultimately, I believe that people survive infidelity because they recognize that the unfaithful person is more complicated than the act he or she committed. I often hear the person who carried out an affair described as 'a good human being,' 'a great father/mother,' or 'very attentive spouse.' The one moniker that no longer applies, however, is 'faithful.' But short of that, there might be a long list of good qualities."<br /><br />I got a response that got me thinking. Gail wrote: "It's WAY more complicated than that... And even acknowledging the good attributes of the person who has been unfaithful does not necessarily mean they should be trusted again."<br /><br />That made me realize that when I share a thought midstream (as Facebook forces you to do) that it can be easily misinterpreted.<br /><br />Here's a more complete (but not entirely complete) thought that got triggered by many journalists that interview me in the wake of some of the more noteworthy affairs among men in power and in the public eye: Why do their women stay with them. I remind the reporters that even though there are many such public examples there are many private examples also of people who choose to stay in the marriage even after their mate has cheated. This is true of many men and women. <br /><br />So it begs the question, why stay? I think there are many things that keep someone with a partner who has cheated. It depends, in part, on the nature of the unfaithful act(s). Many of my clients have dealt with partners who have cheated on them with one person, and who reentered the marriage asking for forgiveness and commit themselves to staying away from the infidelity trap in the future. Other people, though, have been victimized over and over again by a partner who cheats, or a partner who has had continuous affairs over years. In these cases, the cheating partner's behavior may outweigh the factors that weigh in favor of the other spouse staying.<br /><br />Not everyone does stay. And it takes a long time to build trust even if you do decide to try to work on the marriage. Sometimes it's just not possible to get that trust back. But when a person does continue in a marital relationship after an affair, it's usually a combination of factors: fear, shame, obligation, love for a partner, or the lack of other options. And, when all things are weighed against the affair itself, when someone decides to try to work things out, ultimately…[see the quote that begins this blog]<br /><br />Clearer?Dr Haltzmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15203844242713411011noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6127667357427042703.post-17521783861470049162011-05-31T06:44:00.000-07:002011-05-31T06:46:53.538-07:00Gender Differences? News from the 2011 APAI recently completed a series of lectures in Honolulu. One, entitled “Gender-specific Neurobiological, Behavioral and Social Influence on Human Development: Implications for Heterosexual Relationships and Couples' Therapy” was given to a packed room of psychiatrists (many of them were residents in training). In fact, after the talk began, several people who came late had left because there were no seats available. Bummer!<br /><br />I told the audience before I spoke to them that I was a bit trepidatious about giving a talk on such a controversial subject in such a high-profile forum as the annual meeting of the American Psychiatric Association. Yet, surprisingly, I got very little resistance from those who attended the meeting on the idea that there may be some fundamental difference between how men’s and women’s brains function.<br /><br />Heretofore, I had been a strong believer in gender differences, propelled by the research of Simon Baron-Cohen, who describes “The Essential Difference” between men’s brains (tending toward systemization) and women’s brains (tending toward empathy). In contrast, “Delusions of Gender” by Cordelia Fine, pulls no punches in pointing to the bias in research by people like Baron-Cohen. For instance, the highly touted research that baby boys prefer geometric objects, and baby girls prefer faces is based on an unblended study of children held at different angles by their mothers, not in some laboratory with special eye-movement detection data (as I had always assumed). Also, by simply identifing your sex before taking a preference exam, you’ll tend to give more gender-stereotyped profile of yourself. Interesting!<br /><br />Yet my audience didn’t seem swayed by the controversy; it seemed obvious to them that there are qualitative differences between men and women. Maybe it is based on socialization or gender messages from others, one participant noted, but those environmental exposures (just like the environmental exposure in Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder) cause permanent brain changes, and we cannot ignore the reality that, by the time the average man or average woman is in the psychiatrist’s office, he or she will view the world differently because of their sex. <br /><br />In the eyes of the psychiatrists who attended that meeting, that means that it’s OK to advise your male clients, “Don’t jump in and believe you have to fix things when your wife describes a problem,” and to tell your women clients, “Make sure you get to the point early when wanting help solving a problem, otherwise you’ll lose his attention and get frustrated that he isn’t listening!”Dr Haltzmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15203844242713411011noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6127667357427042703.post-37058630893961468342010-12-04T14:18:00.000-08:002010-12-04T14:23:30.513-08:00What should I do if an old flame calls or emails me? <!--StartFragment--> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:Tahoma;font-size:180%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 17px;"><i>Dr. Scott answer's reader's questions</i></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:13.0pt;font-family:Tahoma"><b>What should I do if an old flame calls or emails me? </b>-Jeff <o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:13.0pt;font-family:Tahoma"> <o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:13.0pt;font-family:Tahoma">This issue here is that you, Jeff, loving husband or boyfriend, are going about your business when, with no provocation on your part, you get a call from an old flame. <o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 17px; ">Your situation falls into one of three categories. </span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 17px; "><b>Category 1</b>: You welcome the call. After all, while you’re not dating the ex now, you may have parted on good terms. You really like this gal, and getting an email or call may cheer you up, and stoke fond recollections of “the good ol’ days.”</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:13.0pt;font-family:Tahoma"> <o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:13.0pt;font-family:Tahoma"><b>Category 2</b>: Your ex is the spawning of an evil seed, who make Cruella DeVille seem like Mother Theresa. You can’t stand to be near her or think of her, and you’re rather listen to fingernails on a chalkboard than hear her voice on the other end of the line.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:13.0pt;font-family:Tahoma"> <o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:13.0pt;font-family:Tahoma">The <b>third category</b>, and the most likely one, is that, while you don’ hold any bad feelings, and, you may still have a soft place in your heart for her, the relationship with this woman is over, and you have no real desire to make life more complicated for yourself by wanting to rekindle a connection.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 17px; ">Well, one way or another, either the phone rings or your computer chimes “You’ve got mail,” and now you have a decision to make. If you can’t stand the gal, then you’re job is pretty easy: simply and politely tell her that you’re not interested in pursuing a relationship, and ask her to put you on her “no call list.” If she continues to call, call the cops, and file a stalking charge.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 17px; ">However, things aren’t always the easy or that clear cut, and that’s where your wife’s or girlfriend’s feelings come into play.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>It is rare that a guy marries a woman who welcomes your old friends—lovers or not—into your life with open arms—a woman who invites them over, and enjoys hearing stories of your exploits together. If you have such a woman, don’t take advantage of her good nature by crossing any boundaries, such as arranging private moments with your ex, or keeping any emails or calls secret.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 17px; ">You’ll notice I said that a guy rarely finds such a wife, because the truth is that most women don’t want the other woman (even if she was the other woman from three decades ago) in your life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>In that case, when the phone rings as you and your wife are just loading the dishes into the dishwasher, and you hear a voice from the distant past, it’s good to know what to do.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:13.0pt;font-family:Tahoma"> <o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:13.0pt;font-family:Tahoma">First, don’t hide from your current partner the fact that you heard from your past woman. Believe me, eventually she’ll find out, and when she does, she’ll focus on your failure to tell her, and you’ll lose a lot of trust.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>Once you do reveal the communiqué, though, she’ll want to know what happened next.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:13.0pt;font-family:Tahoma">One problem is that you may be excited to hear from her. My advice: don’t let your interest in her life or her activities take precedence over your interest in your wife. In your mind, you may say, “I’ve got plenty of space in my brain for interest in the lives of both these women,” and it might be true. But it’s a zero-sum-gain to your wife, and, in her mind, every ounce of effort you expend in delving into the life of your ex is energy extracted from your relationship with her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>My advice--as much as you may truly care about the goings on of your ex-lover—is to keep that door to the past closed, and let her know after her first hello that you’ve moved on and don’t wish to have any further conversation.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 17px; ">If you don’t hate this woman, then you don’t want to be rude. And that’s another problem. After all, for just about everyone who calls (with the possible exception of the telemarketer) you give them an ear, and try not to show any signs of rudeness. So if your past girlfriends wants to talk for a while, and rekindle a little bit of connection, you may feel it’s rude to rush her off the phone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>My advice: be polite to your wife, not the person on the other end of the phone line whom you have no current relationships with. Your obligation is to the Mrs, not to the ex, so if your wife feels it’s rude to keep a conversation going, and you and the other woman find it rude to hang up precipitously, go with your wife’s definition of rude. She’s the one you’ll be spending the night, and the rest of your life, with.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 17px; ">And in the case of email, I recommend that you consult with your wife. Show her the email, express an interest in not pursuing it any further, and ask which she thinks would be best—for you to replay with a brief email that your wife sees before you send it, saying “It’s nice to hear from you, but I think it’s best we don’t communicate,” or to not respond at all.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>Remember, just because someone sends you and email, you’re not under any obligation to respond.</span></p> <!--EndFragment-->Dr Haltzmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15203844242713411011noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6127667357427042703.post-81973650874715217172010-10-21T17:53:00.000-07:002010-10-21T17:55:34.618-07:00Q & A Newly Single Women<b>Q: When a relationship has ended, it is sometimes hard for the person in the situation, due to depression, embarrassment or pride to reach out to friends for help. How does someone reach out? </b><br /><br />A: When your up against the challenge of reigniting old friendships you’ve got two competing issues to deal with. On one hand, studies show that in women in particular, memory for emotionally based adverse events are held on to for a long time (forever?), so it’s not likely she’ll forget about how she was treated when you were focused on Mr. Wonderful. On the other hand, women genuinely find bonding and interrelating very emotionally soothing, and they have a wonderful ability to empathize. They want to care for you, but you have to be willing to show some contrition, and let some of your sadness and disappointment show. Your real friends will come out of the woodwork; your false friends my use your vulnerability to chide you or put you down, but you can choose not to pay attention to them.<br /><br /><b>Q: On the flip side if you see that your friend isn’t reaching out, how do you approach her to help?</b><br /><br />A: She may be afraid that you will judge her negatively, or that you won’t understand her. Let her know that you’re there for a listening ear. If she’s not into the “crying on your shoulder” routine, instead invite her out for something lighthearted—maybe even an action movie or documentary, where she won’t have to talk, and she won’t have to watch Hugh Grant win over Drew BarrymoreDr Haltzmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15203844242713411011noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6127667357427042703.post-82266925092500568912010-10-06T13:01:00.000-07:002010-10-06T13:03:55.097-07:00Vim and Sexual VigorQ: <strong>How/why does fatigue or lack of fitness diminish a man's sex drive? What can the average guy to boost his libido?</strong> <br /><br />A: Like the Timex watch, men are designed to have their bodies take a licking, but have their libido keep on ticking. However, at a certain point, physical or mental exhaustion will lowers a guy’s reproductive urges. That is because the body tries to conserve resources; from a evolutionary point of view, a species shuts down reproduction when there isn’t enough energy to sustain the body. For instance, in concentration or POW camps, with lack of food and other deprivation, the sex drive disappears, while in US prisons, with plenty of food and leisure time, there is no decline in sex drive. While men’s sex drive tend to be on autonomous (that is, not driven by external conditions), it still affected by a man’s state of mind. Depression or mental exhaustion rob a man of being able to make a visual picture of the pleasure that sex may give him, so he will be less inclined to have sexual urges pop into his head. Occasionally, poor physical health may include lack of proper nutrition, and occasionally vitamin or mineral deficiencies lead to lack of libido. (Just about every vitamin is implicated in the cascade of hormones and physiology associated with sexual functioning.)<br />There are ways of countering the effects of stress. One is to schedule time for exercise daily, which helps to boost testosterone. Another is to put aside time to meditate, pray, or do yoga. These decrease emotional stress and improve relaxation, an important component for interest in sex.<br />Also, because sex may not be as autonomous in the stressed out guy, there may need to be external triggers to get thing going. Reducing tension in the relationship with your mate is helpful—an angry or despondent partner isn’t a sexual turn on. Also, your partner may need to take the lead an initiate sex; that may be a role reversal, but it can often lead to an increase in sexual interest.Dr Haltzmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15203844242713411011noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6127667357427042703.post-85884436058011690862010-09-18T08:25:00.000-07:002010-09-18T08:27:57.056-07:00<b><a href="http://lifegems4marriage.com/2010/09/10/we-all-married-the-wrong-person/">We All Married The Wrong Person</a></b><div><br /></div><div>Blog post from Lori Lowe</div><div><br /></div><div><!--StartFragment--> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:23.0pt;line-height:23.0pt;mso-pagination:none;mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="font-family:Georgia;color:#333333;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Couples in crisis often reach the point where they decide they are just two poorly matched people. This precedes the decision to leave the relationship and go in search of that “right person.” Unfortunately, the odds of a successful marriage go down for each attempt at a new marriage. Psychiatrist and author of </span></span><span style="font-family:Georgia-Italic;color:#333333;"><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">The Secrets of Happily Married Men</span></i></span><span style="font-family:Georgia;color:#333333;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"> and </span></span><span style="font-family:Georgia-Italic;color:#333333;"><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">The Secrets of Happily Married Women </span></i></span><span style="font-family:Georgia;color:#333333;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">and </span></span><span style="font-family:Georgia-Italic;color:#333333;"><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">The Secrets of Happy Families,</span></i></span><span style="font-family:Georgia;color:#333333;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"> Scott Haltzman, MD, says in truth, they are correct; we </span></span><span style="font-family:Georgia-Italic;color:#333333;"><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">all </span></i></span><span style="font-family:Georgia;color:#333333;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">married the wrong person. I found his comments from TV interviews so intriguing that I requested an interview with him to delve into the topic.<o:p></o:p></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:23.0pt;line-height:23.0pt;mso-pagination:none;mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="font-family:Georgia;color:#333333;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Dr. Haltzman says even if we think we know a person well when we marry them, we are temporarily blinded by our love, which tends to minimize or ignore attributes that would make the relationship complicated or downright difficult. In addition, both individuals bring different expectations to the marriage, and we change individually and as a couple over time. No one gets a guarantee of marrying the right person, says Dr. Haltzman, so you should assume you married the wrong person. That doesn’t mean your marriage can’t be successful, however.<o:p></o:p></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:23.0pt;line-height:23.0pt;mso-pagination:none;mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="font-family:Georgia;color:#333333;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">“Most of us spend a lot of time filtering through possible mates in hopes that we will end up with the right match. Some people believe it’s an issue of finding a soul mate … the one true partner. Whether or not you enter into marriage believing your partner is THE one, you certainly believe he or she is A right person for you,” says Dr. Haltzman.<o:p></o:p></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:23.0pt;line-height:23.0pt;mso-pagination:none;mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="font-family:Georgia;color:#333333;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">He explains that if the success of a marriage were based on making the right choice, then those who carefully chose a good match would continue to sustain positive feelings the majority of the time, and over a long period. The theory would be proven correct that choosing well leads to success. “But the divorce rate in and of itself stands as a great testament to the fallacy of that theory,” says Dr. Haltzman. Even the couples who remain married don’t describe themselves as completely happy with each other, he adds, but rather committed to one another.<o:p></o:p></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:23.0pt;line-height:23.0pt;mso-pagination:none;mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="font-family:Georgia;color:#333333;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">“If we believe we must find the </span><u><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">right</span></u><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"> person to marry, then the course of our marriage becomes a constant test to see if we were correct in that choice,” says Dr. Haltzman, adding that today’s culture does not support standing by our promises. Instead, he says we receive the repeated message, “You deserve the best.” These attitudes contribute to marital dissatisfaction, he says.<o:p></o:p></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:23.0pt;line-height:23.0pt;mso-pagination:none;mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="font-family:Georgia;color:#333333;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Dr. Haltzman shared some research with me about the negative effects in our consumer society of having too many choices—which may lead to increased expectations and lower satisfaction. A book called </span></span><span style="font-family:Georgia-Italic;color:#333333;"><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">The Choice Paradox</span></i></span><span style="font-family:Georgia;color:#333333;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"> by Barry Schwartz shares research that flies in the face of conventional wisdom. (I will have another post about this topic soon, because there is much insight to glean.) I’ll cut to the chase and reveal that people are happier with the choices they make when there are relatively few choices from which to choose. With too many choices, we can become overburdened and regretful and constantly question our decision. Today, individuals may feel they have many choices of mates, and fear lost opportunities with potential “right” partners. This may happen even after a person is married, as he or she questions the decision to marry with each bump in the road.<o:p></o:p></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:23.0pt;line-height:23.0pt;mso-pagination:none;mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="font-family:Georgia;color:#333333;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">“My basic philosophy is we have to start with the premise when we choose our partner that we aren’t choosing with all the knowledge and information about them,” says Dr. Haltzman. “However, outside of the extreme scenarios of domestic violence, chronic substance abuse, or the inability to remain sexually faithful—which are good arguments for marrying the wrong person on a huge scale, and where it is unhealthy or unsafe to remain married—we need to say, ‘This is the person I chose, and I need to find a way to develop a sense of closeness with this person for who he or she really is and not how I fantasize them to be.’”<o:p></o:p></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:23.0pt;line-height:23.0pt;mso-pagination:none;mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="font-family:Georgia;color:#333333;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">That choice to work on the relationship can lead to a more profound, meaningful experience together. Dr. Haltzman offers the following tips to help us reconnect or improve our bond:<o:p></o:p></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left:.5in;text-indent:-.5in;mso-text-indent-alt:-.5in;line-height:23.0pt;mso-pagination:none;mso-list:l0 level1 lfo1;tab-stops:11.0pt .5in;mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="font-family:Georgia;color:#333333;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Respect your mate for his/her positive qualities, even when they have some important negative ones.<o:p></o:p></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left:.5in;text-indent:-.5in;mso-text-indent-alt:-.5in;line-height:23.0pt;mso-pagination:none;mso-list:l0 level1 lfo1;tab-stops:11.0pt .5in;mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="font-family:Georgia;color:#333333;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Be the right person, instead of looking for the right person.<o:p></o:p></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left:.5in;text-indent:-.5in;mso-text-indent-alt:-.5in;line-height:23.0pt;mso-pagination:none;mso-list:l0 level1 lfo1;tab-stops:11.0pt .5in;mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="font-family:Georgia;color:#333333;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Be a loving person, instead of waiting to get love.<o:p></o:p></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left:.5in;text-indent:-.5in;mso-text-indent-alt:-.5in;line-height:23.0pt;mso-pagination:none;mso-list:l0 level1 lfo1;tab-stops:11.0pt .5in;mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="font-family:Georgia;color:#333333;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Be considerate instead of waiting to receive consideration.<o:p></o:p></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:23.0pt;line-height:23.0pt;mso-pagination:none;mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="font-family:Georgia;color:#333333;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">To underscore the last couple of points, Dr. Haltzman says many people will put only so much effort into a relationship, then say, “I’ve done enough.” But very few of us will do that with our children. “Instead, we say despite their flaws, we wouldn’t want anyone else; yet, our kids can be much more of a pain in the ass than our spouses.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:23.0pt;line-height:23.0pt;mso-pagination:none;mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="font-family:Georgia;color:#333333;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Finally, he advises, “Have the attitude that this is the person you are going to spend the rest of your life with, so you must find a way to make it work instead of always looking for the back door.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:23.0pt;line-height:23.0pt;mso-pagination:none;mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><span style="font-family:Georgia;color:#333333;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">For more information on Dr. Haltzman or his books, visit </span><a href="http://www.drscott.com/"><span style="text-decoration:none;text-underline:nonecolor:#0073F7;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">DrScott.com</span></span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"> or </span><a href="http://www.365reasons.com/"><span style="text-decoration:none;text-underline:nonecolor:#0073F7;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">365Reasons.com</span></span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">. Many thanks to Dr. Haltzman for sharing his time, wisdom and advice.</span><o:p></o:p></span></p> <!--EndFragment--> </div>Dr Haltzmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15203844242713411011noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6127667357427042703.post-2574609472049332782010-08-19T07:38:00.000-07:002010-08-19T08:15:11.790-07:00<a href="http://exm.nr/dsKItd">Secrets to a happy marriage, put down the Blackberry and join the relationship</a><br />August 17th, 2010 8:55 pm<br />By Marina Meyer<br />From the Blog of the Chicago Marriage Examiner<br /><br /><em>Author Dr. Haltzman advises couples on how to celebrate their marriage.</em><br /><br />According to Dr. Scott Haltzman, there are additional layers of complexity when it comes to some hot-button issues that several couples face today. That’s why it’s important that spouses recognize that their partner has different needs than you, and that you team up together side-by-side instead of judge.<br /><br />Chicago Marriage Examiner chatted with Haltzman, founder and editor of DrScott.com and 365Reasons.com and author of The Secrets of Happily Married Men, The Secrets of Happily Married Women and The Secrets of Happy Families, to explain what some of today’s hot-button issues are and why couples should live by the 365 reasons why marriage rocks.<br /><br /><br /><strong>Chicago Marriage Examiner</strong>: What are some hot-button topics that today’s couples face? How are these problems different or more complex than before?<br /><br /><strong>Dr. Scott Haltzman</strong>: In the last century, the nature of marriage has changed. Whereas marriage frequently happened for reproductive, economic or political reasons, the expectations of marriage today are not only for a partner who shares in your desire for a family, but also partner that meets many of your emotional needs as well. The most common areas of arguments among families deal with money, sex, housework, in-laws and conflict over raising children.<br /><br />There are additional layers of complexity related to households today compared to generations past. For instance, the influx of an electronic world into the household (beyond television) is often a source of additional stress for a family. In traditional households where men returned home from work after women, there is the additional complaint of "he runs to his computer and checks his e-mail" or "he has his Blackberry with him all day, even on the weekends."<br /><br /><strong>Chicago Marriage Examiner:</strong> Your website, www.365reasons.com, offers a reason a day as to why marriage is good. Name some Top 10 reasons why marriage rocks.<br /><br /><strong>Haltzman:</strong><br /><br /><br />1. You live longer.<br /><br />2. You accrue more wealth over the period of your life.<br /><br />3. You demonstrate the ability to keep a promise in front of your friends and in front of God.<br /><br />4. You have someone to share your day-to-day experiences with that is able to hold within them a bigger context that involves a lifetime of sharing day-to-day experiences.<br /><br />5. You have a lifelong cheerleader to support you in times when you feel at a disadvantage.<br /><br />6. You are able to provide a unified team in front of your children.<br /><br />7. You have the opportunity to learn about a deeper and more enriching love than you have ever experienced before.<br /><br />8. You learn how to compromise and, as a consequence, get exposed to new ideas and new situations that you never would have had without your spouse.<br /><br />9. You have a sounding board for new ideas and an automatic brainstorming team.<br /><br />10. In the event you become ill, there's someone to advocate for you to take care of you.<br /><br /><strong>Chicago Marriage Examiner:</strong> What are some secrets to a happily married man, woman and family? Why do so many couples today fail to recognize or acknowledge these secrets?<br /><br /><strong>Haltzman:</strong> The No. 1 secret of happy couples is the ability to recognize that your partner has needs different than yours. Rather than judge that partner, or try to change him or her, happy partners accept those differences and strive to find ways to make their partners happy. Those who have happy marriages primarily experience happiness because they see joy in their partner. The reason so many couples fail to recognize or acknowledge this secret is because society has reinforced for us our "right" to be happy, and when episodes of discontent impose themselves on the marriage, people are less inclined to ask how they themselves can change, and frequently look to their partner, expecting that he or she will change in order to assure their own happiness. When that partner fails to rise to that expectation, the knee-jerk reaction is to dismiss that partner.<br /><br />Happy families function best when people have clear and realistic understandings of and expectations for each member of the family. It's important for the leaders of the family to be consistent in the message they give their children. All of the activities that are done both by individuals and as a family as a whole reflect the core values that define each unique family.<br /><br /><strong>Chicago Marriage Examiner:</strong> Provide some additional information not discussed in above questions.<br /><br /><strong>Haltzman:</strong> We live in a society that has geared us to believe that we deserve the best, and has imbued us with a certain doubt that what we have isn't quite good enough. There's a certain restlessness about our culture, and it's difficult to commit to a lifetime experience that may not always provide the joy and pleasure that we have come to accept as our birthright. Nonetheless, the couples that do learn how to work toward having an excellent relationship, improving their communication, and accepting each other's failings end up having a deeper level of emotional development that only such a profound commitment like marriage can bring.<br /><br />It's interesting to me how many sacrifices a parent is willing to make for a child, such as listening to endless boring stories, watching sports events where the child may be sidelined 90 percent of the time, or tolerating all kinds of trans questions and faults while returning with copious amounts of love. Yet when our spouse attempts to tell us a boring story, asks us to watch him or her participate in sports, or screws up, there is much less tolerance and acceptance, and a nagging belief that "this is not the right person for me." Acceptance, appreciation, flexibility and commitment are the keys to maintaining happy lives and building the core of a happy family.Dr Haltzmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15203844242713411011noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6127667357427042703.post-87081449236739770132010-08-13T09:03:00.000-07:002010-08-13T09:14:28.064-07:00The (New) Measure of a Man<a href="http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2008/08/080826190950.htm">This Article</a> looks at research that show men have different views on masculinity than people assume.<br /><br />"The study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine included interviews with more than 27,000 randomly selected men from eight countries (Germany, U.S., U.K., Spain, Brazil, Mexico, Italy and France.<br />"Regardless of age or nationality, the men more frequently ranked good health, harmonious family life and good relationships with their wife or partner as more important to their quality of life than material, self-fulfilling or purely sexual concerns. There was no significant difference in rankings of masculinity and quality of life characteristics between men who experienced erectile dysfunction and those who did not.<br />"The study, part of the Men's Attitudes to Life Events and Sexuality (MALES) project, aimed to determine characteristics of masculinity and quality of life in men with and without self-reported erectile dysfunction, and how those ideas of masculinity might affect seeking help and treatment.<br />"Many meanings, positive and negative, are attached to the term, 'masculinity,'" said Julia Heiman, director of The Kinsey Institute at Indiana University and an author of this study. "To ask a large sample of men what comprises their own sense of masculinity is very useful for both the media and for research. These results suggest we should pay attention and ask rather than presume we know."<br />"Findings of the study include:<br /></p><ul><li>Overall, being seen as honorable was considered the most important quality in the construct of masculinity.<br /></li><li>Compared to men without erectile dysfunction, the experience of erectile dysfunction neither increased nor decreased the importance men placed on having an active sex life or having success with women, although men with erectile dysfunction reported less satisfaction with their sex lives.<br /></li><li>Men who seek treatment for erectile dysfunction do not differ in their views of masculinity from those who do not seek help.<br />"Being seen as a man of honor" was cited as the most important attribute of masculine identity in Spain, Brazil, Mexico, United States and France, while "being in control of your own life" was the most important in Germany, the United Kingdom and Italy. </li></ul><p>"The findings emphasize that men across cultures and ages value couple relationships over purely sexual pleasure and indicate that men are particularly concerned about their partnered relationships, whether or not they report erectile dysfunction." </p><p> <br /> <br />Here's what I think:<br /><br />The results of this study should be reassuring to men around the world, and to the women who love them. Men often get labeled as being focused on physical characteristics, either of themselves or of their mates, or on their sexual appetites. This study suggests that the core needs of men reflect issues of character, not just issues of physical pleasure or perfection.<br /><br />In many years of dealing with men, many of them will tell me that the sense of honor is one of the predominant traits that they hold to. While divorce rates in the United States, demonstrate that more than two thirds of separations and divorces are precipitated by women, this study helps to elucidate why men will stay in marriage, even in times when they are not happy. Men will frequently refer to the sense of honor and duty as a reason that they stay in marriage. Moreover, as the finding of this study suggests, men deeply desire harmonious family life and good relationships with their wives. This further supports the rationale behind husbands’ ongoing efforts to stick with their marriage vows. <br /><br />While some in our society believe we are moving toward a unisex culture, and continue to look for signs that men are becoming more metrosexual than ever, the results of this study reflect one stereotype about men that continues to be true: They are action oriented. The main message of the study is that what matters for men is the answer to the following question: What is the end result of the efforts that I make? When a man can look at his life and see that the decisions and actions he has taken reflect honor, integrity, and the capacity to follow through on his promise, nothing can be more satisfying.Dr Haltzmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15203844242713411011noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6127667357427042703.post-73454280384773124132010-08-05T12:55:00.000-07:002010-08-05T12:58:32.499-07:00The Sea Legs of MarriageA couple days ago, I had a very engaging radio interview with Dr. Jane Greer, in which we discussed my first book, The Secrets of Happily Married Men. Here’s the broadcast: <br />http://view.liveindexer.com/ASXGenerator.aspx?mediaSKU=euY%2bp2bmrySG1aRvbELjlA%3d%3d<br /><br />It was an interesting conversation, during which we had an opportunity to discuss some of the challenges of helping marriages survive in today's times. Dr. Greer mentioned how many times people seem to bail out of marriage, "before they can get their sea legs." As Dr. Greer pointed this out, it occurred to me that the metaphor of sea legs was particularly apt.<br /><br />For anyone that's ever done any sailing, or even gone on the Block Island ferry, you'll know that “sea legs” describes the adaptation of Homo sapiens to the entirely unnatural experience of the rising, falling and rocking of a boat on the water. Any person about to embark on a sea voyage has to accept the great possibility that the waters aren't always going to be smooth. Give it some time, however, and your body adapts. No longer are you flying back and forth over the deck of a ship, but in good time your sea legs help you remain steady.<br /><br />When a couple meet and fall in love, they envision marriage will lead them to a place of serenity and peace. They picked out this very special partner, after all, because of the very special future that a shared relationship promised. When they exchange rings and, at last, take their vows both bride and groom are sure that calm waters are ahead.<br /><br />Ideally, they would have smooth sailing through the rest of their lives. Rarely does the ideal meet the real. Every couple comes across times in their marriage, some sooner, some later, when a storm hits. At this point, many couples take a look at their marriage and conclude that difficult times are a reflection of deep-seated problems in their partner, or a reflection of some form of marital incompatibility or in tolerability. These couples might reason, "I married to have a quieter, safer, more gratifying and pleasant life. Clearly, marriage is not working out as I thought it would, and I'd better cut my losses!" They conclude that their marriage is wrong, one big mistake, and make the decision to divorce. They don't understand the need to develop sea legs; the very fact that they are in rough waters indicates that they embarked on the wrong trip.<br /><br />Happily married couples realize that stormy weather and rough seas are a normal part of marriage. To them, having conflicts, disagreements, or even hard feelings are a motivation to improve themselves and increase their capacity to build a relationship with another human. Because they stay on these rough waters, and refuse to turn the ship around, they learn how to withstand the marital maelstrom. They do, in fact, develop sea legs. In time, when they reach smooth waters again, they not only found that they have developed better relationship skills, but together with a life partner, they progress further toward their life goals.<br /><br />The optimist in me wishes only smooth waters for each couple. The realist in me recognizes that everybody will hit marital storms. The doctor in me wishes to help each and every couple improve their abilities to develop sea legs, and experience the joy that marriage over a lifetime can bring.Dr Haltzmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15203844242713411011noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6127667357427042703.post-10883559978717705752010-07-26T09:08:00.000-07:002010-07-26T09:13:14.122-07:0010 Ways to Reduce AnxietyIn my "Secrets of Happy Families" book, I include a chapter called "Breathe." Unless we take care of ourselves, we can't take care of our families.<br /><br /><strong>Ten Ways to Reduce Anxiety (That Don’t Involve Drugs)</strong><br /><br />1. <strong>Keep moving.</strong> Studies show that people who engage in regular physical exercise have lower levels of anxiety. A study of over 1000 men by Wales et al (2007) showed that those who participated in high-intensity leisure time activities had reduced levels of anxiety and depression five years later.<br /><br />2. <strong>Hug!</strong> Physical contact increases levels of oxytocin, which is associated with calming and bonding. Just 20 seconds can significantly change your brain chemistry for the better. <br /><br />3. <strong> Hum.</strong> Humming relaxes the vocal cords, and helps induce relaxation in the body. Sit quietly, making elongated vowel sounds (of either “M” or “N”). Do it before you have to talk to someone, and you’ll notice your voice sounds less stressed. A study of Pranayama (combination of yoga positions and breathing that includes humming) produced a significantly greater increase in perceptions of mental and physical energy and feelings of alertness and enthusiasm than either visualization or relaxation excercises. <br /><br />4. <strong>Tense up your thigh!</strong> Progressive Muscle Relaxation, or Deep Muscle Relaxation, is a proven technique that psychologists teach in order to reduce anxiety. The technique involves tensing different muscle groups, and then allowing each muscle group to "let go." During the relaxation phase, calming chemicals are released into the bloodstream, reducing feelings of anxiety. However, if you don't have time to march through each of the muscle groups, your thighs and buttocks comprise the largest muscle group, and by tensing for a count of five seconds, then releasing, you can begin to feel some increased feelings of relaxation surge through your body.<br /><br />5. <strong>Take a flight</strong>: visualization exercises allowed tobring to use its wonderful imagination in order to bring you to a place of tranquility and serenity. In order to use visualization, it's important to not only picture yourself in a place that's relaxing (such as a bathtub, the beach, or an ocean cruise line), but use your other senses, such as smell, hearing, taste and touch to bring your imagination to a place of comfort and repose.<br /><br />6. <strong>Breathe</strong>: years ago, the Beatles promoted the use of transcendental meditation as a way to bring inner peace. New research has shown that many of the same physical and emotional benefits associated with transcendental meditation can be gained through simple breathing exercises. By learning how to control your breathing, you shift your attention from panic to peacefulness. The technique is simple, although it takes practice. . <br />When you have a moment to yourself, sit in a comfortable, quiet place. Breathe in deeply through the nose, using your diaphragm (the muscle under your ribcage), not your chest, to move the air. The intake of breath should be deliberate, and you should make a point of feeling the fresh, oxygenated and pure air enter your nose. As the intake breath lasts from four to six seconds, visualize the air filling your lungs. Hold for a second or two.<br />Then, through pursed lips (to make sure the air doesn’t rush out too quickly), slowly breath out, imagining that the exhaled air is expelling impurities and tension from your body. Again, breathe in the fresh, invigorating air, hold for a moment, and follow with a deliberate and slow release of the used air from your lungs. <br />If you do this breathing exercise for several minutes each day, you will learn to control your breathing during times of stress, and this will reduce the effects of the invasive stress hormones. <br /><br />7. <strong>Distract:</strong> Anxiety will bother you a lot less if you don’t pay attention to it. <br />In studies of people who were anxious about exposure to snakes or spiders, their anxiety levels increased when they thought about possible exposure. Those who distracted themselves with activities managed to stay calmer. <br />Many people have anxiety reducers right I their pockets or pocketbooks—their cell phones. Playing a video game on your cell phone (such as bejeweled) can help distract your mind from the anxieties dwelling inside of you, and keep your attention sharp at the same time. <br /><br />8. <strong>Reach out to friends.</strong> The best predictor of good emotional health is the number and quality of friends around you. People who are socially disconnected are between two and five times more likely to die from all kinds of illnesses. Having friends around you provides you with a sounding board, cheerleaders, and may help you to keep perspective. Their positive attitude toward you when you are feeling lack of confidence will help you to deal with your self-doubts.<br /><br />9. <strong>Rethink things:</strong> When people are prone to anxiety, they tend to think of all the negative things that they are confronted with, and focus on that. Selectively paying attention to the bad makes you more prone to pessimism and anxiety. Thinking about possible good outcomes, and forcing yourself to consider the possibility that good things might also happen is part of a form of therapy called “Cognitive Behavioral Therapy” (CBT) Many studies comparing people who receive general supportive therapy, medication therapy and CBT shows that often CBT can work as well as medication. General supportive therapy, on the other hand, doesn’t work much better than placebo to help people recover from panic.<br /><br />10. <strong>Delegate!</strong> Give your worries to someone else. You don’t have to own everything that you worry about. And you don’t have to take on the weight of the world. Making a list of the things that worry you is a good start to feeling less overwhelmed. Next, look at the list and see where others might pitch in. Perhaps your husband can pay the bills this month, or your kids can bring out the recyclables from the kitchen. Maybe your sister can arrange the family vacation this year (or a travel agent) rather than you having to be saddled with all the responsibilities. Remember, though, if you give up command of a problem that means you can’t expect everyone else to do it to your exacting standards. But letting go of exacting standards can be another way to reduce stress.Dr Haltzmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15203844242713411011noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6127667357427042703.post-15191010769396402012010-07-19T17:44:00.000-07:002010-07-19T17:49:45.822-07:00Guy TImeHow important is it to a man that his wife (or future wife) let him have his "guy time"? <br /><br />Guy time is extremely valuable for a married man, but it’s not a right, it’s a privilege. By that I mean that men often assume that once they get married, they can pick up where they left off with their guy friends, anything from weekend golf to frequenting strip clubs. <br /><br />Women want to know, first and foremost, that they are a priority. If he makes sure that she feels valued, then he can next begin to ask for what he needs, but not if she thinks that it’s her expense.<br /><br />And what role does a woman play in this arrangement? She 1) should agree to listen to her husbands ideas for guy time without judgment, 2) should not choose for him what he does or whom it does it with [big caveat here—if it involves single guys picking up women, or using drugs or alcohol, then it’s fair game for a wife to say “no”] 3) should agree specifically what the activity will and how long it will last, 4) agree how and when to “check in,” and not randomly call and text 5) help her husband succeed at getting it right—work with him to set his cell phone alarm for when he turns into a pumpkin and then 6) greet him warmly when he comes home.<br /><br />Try adding a little guy time to a husband's marriage. It will benefit both of you!Dr Haltzmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15203844242713411011noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6127667357427042703.post-67151819344529677972010-07-05T08:05:00.000-07:002010-07-05T08:09:28.421-07:00One talk, different marriagesRecently I gave a talk called "The Secrets of Happily Married Couples" to an audience of about ten couples at a small, but luxurious, Pocono resort known as The Lodge at Woodloch. As is typically the case in these spa lectures, the talks tend to be intimate and can get very in depth. All but three of the couples had children who were between the ages of five and seventeen. One of the other couples, still in their 20s, had been married for two years; two other couples, I would guess, had been married about thirty years.<br /><br />It became clear to me, as the group chimed in with questions and began to describe their own experiences, that I couldn't lump together "marriage" in a way that would mean the same thing for everyone in my audience. To the young childless couple marriage may represent a world of boundless possibilities, mutual giving, satisfying long walks and quite moments of reflection. To the family with school age children, marriage means dealing with heavy work loads outside the home compounded by the strains of rearing kids. They may be working through compromises on everything from whether the children should be permitted to sleep over at a friend's home, to whether they should be allowed to quit piano lessons. The couples with adult children seemed to take all this in, and hardly seemed ruffled by the struggles of their younger attendees.<br /><br />Although a small sample, I was impressed with how this group represented three phases of marriage, and highlighting the unique challenges that face a marriage with children in the home. The take home message from watching these couples is that many marriages (I would venture to say almost EVERY marriage) begin in a blissful phase, and then undergo stages of extreme duress. But at the tail end of this experience are those calmer, long-married couples who have managed to raise a family and push though the tough times, and to come out feeling great not only about the outcome, but about the fact that they got there together!<br /><br />Remember, the success of the long-married couples wasn't due to good luck, and wasn't because their marriage was any less troubled than average, it's that they stuck it out and learned from each other (and demonstrated to their children) how to have a great marriage.Dr Haltzmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15203844242713411011noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6127667357427042703.post-80926191649499006432010-06-18T18:08:00.000-07:002010-06-18T18:10:40.639-07:00Boys, Girls and Parents: Q & AWhat’s the long term impact on boys of being in an environment where their natural way of doing things is often seen as the “wrong” way?<br /><br />Research shows that boys tend to have their brains develop differently than girls, and it’s not uncommon for boys to be more competitive, action oriented and even aggressive when they interact with their environment. Often, social norms we construct around boys values things like cooperative (rather than competitive) play, and quiet, introspective work rather than rowdy and chaotic exploration of the world around. When boys consistently get the message that the way they do things is wrong, it promotes a feeling of frustration in boys. It also causes some identify confusion. By correctly being told that a boys way of doing things is normal, but must be channeled in more acceptable ways, we help boys become more mature and responsible. If, instead, as many parents and teachers do, tell boys that they are abnormal in their mode of self expression, than it causes boys to feel like they cannot own who they are. They feel forced to be someone different, and often cannot reconcile the “ideal” boy with the “real” boy. When a boy can’t properly learn how to channel these masculine traits, he may be more prone to poor relationships with his peers, and with women in general.<br /><br />-What can women (mothers, teachers) do to work with boys natures while still maintaining an environment where boys are responsible?<br /><br />Determine how your boy functions, how he solves problems, how he likes to play, and how he sees the world. Than acknowledge the validity of his feelings, and provide an environment where he can have free unstructured play so he can express his style. Harming others is not acceptable, of course, so it’s reasonable to set limits, even at times to say that things are “wrong.” Think of the following scenario—if your child breaks down in tears, you would most likely stop and ask, “What’s wrong,” then try to help your child feel better, solve the problem, or at least provide support. What parents sometimes don’t appreciate is that anger or aggression may be to a boy what tears may be for a girl; a parent or teacher should respond the same way, and not assume that the child is being bad.<br />Letting a boy be a boy is a great way to teach responsibility and limits; it’s just important to validate, not criticize a boy for his behavior.<br /><br />-Should we be communicating with boys differently? If so, how?<br /><br />Boys tend to be more action oriented, and often have difficulty sitting down motionless and maintaining eye contact. Sometimes it helps to be engaged in mutual “side by side” activity when having a talk with a boy. When you address boys, don’t treat the discussion like a conversation; treat it more like a billboard. In other words, get your point out front, then make sure he understands. Don’t elaborate or explain unless he asks. Boys are more distractible than girls, so make sure that he gets your point. Because boys tend to be more competitive, it helps if there are challenges or rewards involved in a request, it engages his imagination more. Also, be direct about what you want. For instance, starting a request with “I bet you can’t take out 2 cans of garbage in less than 2 minutes,” may be met with more success than saying “I’m upset that you never take out the garbage,” which, you’ll notice, doesn’t actually include an appeal to do anything!Dr Haltzmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15203844242713411011noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6127667357427042703.post-64298649233372557202010-02-27T05:02:00.000-08:002010-02-23T05:07:26.637-08:00Issues in family happiness (Part II)<strong>What are the eight strategies to fuel connection and contentment?</strong><br /> <br />Stick Together—Know your core values and work together to set a course for happiness that includes everyone in the home. <br />Commit and Communicate—Children feel more secure when they know that parents are committed to stay together. Using good communication seals the deal! <br />Lean—You don't have to do it all on your own. Reaching out to others makes you and your family sturdier and steadier. <br />Teach to and Learn from Children—Parenting takes patience, but while you're teaching your children, they're teaching you! <br />Blend—Grouping and regrouping with step-, adopted, and foster families isn't always smooth, but the process can enrich everyone involved. <br />Handle Conflict—Knowing how to master conflict can lead to a more cohesive family. <br />Bounce—Healthy families know how to rebound from adversity and grow stronger in the process. <br />Breathe—Making time for fun, adventure, and rituals sets the stage for a loving family over a lifetime. <br /><br /><br /> <br /><strong>What's the key tool to use to put your principles into practice? Can anyone do it?</strong><br /> <br />It may be more difficult than for some people than others to put these principles into practice because, in fact, some people may not have had a good model for their own childhood. My belief is that it comes more naturally when you yourself have grown up and nurturing environment. Part of the point of this book is to help foster that kind of environment for every child in every home. It takes patience, and the ability to delay gratification, as well as a necessity to make some compromises. Moreover, it's simply not that easy to raise a child, and having children will frequently increase the amount of tension between two adults. Growing your family in the direction of a contented and connected clan does take work, but over the long run the quality of your life and the quality of your children's lives will improve.<br /><br /><strong>What's the key to handling conflict and handling every day crisis?</strong><br /><br />Times of conflict are often about power struggles, with each party struggling to be the one whose voice is heard loudest. The most important element to solving conflict is the ability to listen to the other party. Just by the act of listening you are reducing that person’s need to fight to make his or her feelings known. When he or she feels heard, he or she becomes much more receptive to your point of view. The ability to listen, reflect back to the person in a non-judgment way, show willingness to learn new information, and treating the person whom you’re interacting respectfully all lead to less conflict and a better sense of shared purpose.<br /><br /><strong>Best piece of advice you can offer parents...</strong><br /><br />You're in charge!Dr Haltzmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15203844242713411011noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6127667357427042703.post-7476224728604298952010-02-23T05:01:00.001-08:002010-02-23T05:12:12.412-08:00Issues in family happiness (Part I)<strong>What is happening with families today and how is the nature of families is changing?</strong><br />One of the changes of greatest impact that is happening in our society and in families today has to do with the migration of families away from their communities of origin, and the sense of estrangement and alienation that people are having from others within new communities.<br /><br /><strong>What is the ultimate secret to a happy successful family? Why is this so important?</strong>The ultimate secret to a happy and successful family is the capacity to understand the core values that define that family, and live according to those values and beliefs. Consider the saying "ask yourself not: ‘Am I doing things right’ but ‘am I do in the right thing.’” Knowing the general direction that you are going, and how that integrates with your relationship with the family and the community that you live in, is essential to maintaining balance and your life.<br /> <br /><strong>Why is this information important at this time of uncertainty? </strong><br />We are flooded by the media and inundated by a vast information overload, all of which asks us to constantly shift and change our behaviors in order to achieve happiness. But happiness doesn't come from having more channels on your cable television or more layers on your burrito. It comes from behaving in a way that honors your real self, and gives you a sense of purpose in the community. <br /><br /><strong>How does financial, personal stress impact families, especially kids? </strong><br />Difficult financial times and personal stress can be extremely difficult for families, by my study suggests that, rather than destroy families and tear them apart, such tumultuous times can actually lead to an improvement in family cohesion, because, at the very least, it removes many of the artificial "fillers" that distract you from your core values,<br /><br /><strong>What are the benefits of a happy family? </strong> <br />Happy families benefit by feeling the support of their family members. They have a better sense of the bigger picture, and are less likely to be selfish. During difficult financial times they're more likely to have the support of other family members who are not hard hit by bad economic times. There able to experience more joy by being together, and better able to deal with conflict outside of the family because of their ability to deal with it inside the family.Dr Haltzmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15203844242713411011noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6127667357427042703.post-65005028394633304282010-01-21T09:19:00.000-08:002010-01-21T09:19:25.057-08:00What if one of you wants a baby? Interview<a href="http://www.thatsfit.ca/2010/01/19/when-only-one-of-you-wants-a-baby?sms_ss=blogger">Great Post on That's Fit</a><br /><br />Maybe he's collecting booties and you're dreaming about backpacking through South America. Or maybe you're looking enviably into every stroller you pass while he's window shopping for big-screen TVs. Should you start poking holes in your diaphragm or just call it quits? What happens when one partner wants kids and the other doesn't? We asked Dr. Scott Haltzman, a psychiatrist and the author of The Secrets of Happy Families, to discuss some of the issues involved and offer some tips on what you can do.<br /><br />Q: If you want a baby and your partner doesn't, where can you start? Are those reconcilable positions?<br /><br />A: It depends on how you define "partner." If your current partner doesn't want to have kids, but it's not the partner you plan on having for life, that can work really well. One might even argue that it's the best thing. But if it's a life partner with whom you are working together to form plans about the future, then it is a pivotal issue. Not everybody that wants to have a child ends up having a child. Sometimes it's just because of someone's social situation or it's due to infertility -- but the inability to have a child doesn't keep couples from connecting even if they want a child. But when one person wants a child and the other person doesn't, it becomes a built-up resentment because one person feels like their partner is preventing them from accomplishing a life dream, or the other partner feels like they're being forced into something that goes against their wishes.<br /><br />Q: Can you bring someone around to your point of view, or is it dangerous to even try?<br /><br />A: Usually in these situations, the person who ends up coming around is the one who doesn't want a child. People don't usually have a dream of having no children; it's a lifestyle choice. Often, they'll be able to say that it was a positive thing and they were glad that they did it. Research shows us that people are happier when they do something and then live with the consequences versus when they don't do something and then imagine all of the what ifs? If someone acquiesces and agrees not to have a child, they'll always wonder about the what ifs.<br /><br />Q: If somebody is perfect for you in every way except this one, should you view this as a deal breaker?<br /><br />A: It's not necessarily a deal breaker, but it's definitely a discussion maker. It needs to be explored a little bit deeper. The discussion usually has to be framed as "Why do you not want to have a child?" because how far can you go with "Why do you want to have a child?" So much of that stuff is just a biological imperative. If you listen to the reasons and it seems like they're temporal - like, I don't have a job or I don't feel stable enough or good enough about who I am as a person - then you might be able to look at it as a phase they're at in this stage of life and it doesn't mean they'll never want to have kids. But if someone says that it's not a change they're willing to make ever, then it absolutely is a deal breaker.<br /><br />Q: Is this something you should discuss fairly early in a relationship?<br /><br />A: I wouldn't say very early -- it's definitely uncool to do it on the first date. But the topic should come up at some point -- like, "I notice that you're really good with your nephew; do you ever think of having children of your own?"<br /><br />Q: Is it more common that women want children and men resist?<br /><br />A: Assuming they're a young couple that's trying to decide their future together, it's usually men who are reluctant to have children. One of the reasons might be that men tend to view life as more of a struggle. Two, men tend to be drawn more to recreational behaviours that don't involve children and they recognize that having a child will pull them away from the things they do for enjoyment. And third, men recognize that bringing a child into the fold will mean that they're going to have less of their wife's attention. A very small percentage of men are also wary of some of the changes pregnancy can bring in a woman's body.<br /><br />Once couples decide to marry, they've already made the decision to be together. The challenge at that point isn't deciding that you're not compatible; the challenge is deciding how you can live together, care for each other and be by each other's side even if your partner isn't able to make all of your dreams come true.Dr Haltzmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15203844242713411011noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6127667357427042703.post-14305894428932417532010-01-06T11:34:00.000-08:002010-01-07T05:35:21.254-08:00Newlywed ProblemsCommon Newlywed Problems, and how to fix them.<br /><br /><strong>Defining roles</strong>: prior to marriage they may each assume that the other will take certain roles (breadwinner, bill payer, housecleaner, nurse, mechanic, etc.) but probably they either didn't discuss or they were being over idealistic.<br /><em>Fix</em>: Sit down to review household roles, negotiate, focus first how YOU can help, not on how your partner is letting you down!<br /> <br /><strong>Money</strong>: If families don't define their core values, they'll end up spending money on just about anything they want at the moment. Then, they'll blame the spouse for the lack of dough to pay the bills. <br /><em>Solution</em>: define your values; what matters in the house? Vacations, entertainment, spirituality, etc. Once you do that, you can better know how to budget your money.<br /><br /><strong>New child in house</strong>: Most couples think this will draw them closer together, but often it becomes a source of friction because a baby is like a Rorschach test--each parent think he/she knows what's best for him. Usually the mother's anxiety will guide the level at which the husband is "permitted" to participate to raise children.<br /><em>Solution:</em> Hold off on having children if possible at least until you get some of the other issues worked on. Assume your partner always has your child's best interest in mind, rather than assume your way is the best way. If disagreements arise, agree to talk about them when you are not fuming at each other, but at times when you can quietly discuss themDr Haltzmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15203844242713411011noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6127667357427042703.post-64053872606747942492009-12-09T12:43:00.000-08:002009-12-09T13:04:16.485-08:00Random musingsHere are some random questions and answers from journalists.<br /><br /><br />• What is the common thread in men that are in happy marriages? <br /><br />One scenario that predicts a happy marriage is one in which each member of the relationship adopt clear cut (and relatively society-sanctioned) gender roles. Men whose wives regularly praise them, cook for them, enjoy frequent sex with them, and don’t complain about household responsibilities do tend to be happy.<br />The problem is, that accounts for about 5% of all marriages!<br />The other men are ones who have found that their marriage requires work, but who have discovered—and mastered--the nature of that work. Men who are happiest are the ones whose wives are happiest. Most American women aren’t innately content with marriage unless husbands demonstrate emotional connectedness. Moreover, a husband must make it known to his wife that, above all, he has put her happiness, safety and security above all else.<br />The men who are happy in marriage are the ones who have successfully met the standards that their wives set for them; as a result, a wife becomes genuinely content in the relationship, and men start to flourish.<br /><br />• Does success in the work place (for men) follow them in the successes in their marriages / relationships? <br /><br />One of the compelling research questions I ponder is whether there is a correlation between work stability and marriage stability. It does seem to me that the kind of man that gets fired from job after job is likely not to be able to maintain a long lasting marriage, but I just don’t have the data to back that up.<br /><br />• What is the most important aspect in determining a successful relationship? <br /><br />Studies show a number of factors. The ability to “repair” after a fight is a very strong predictor. The willingness of a man to accept his wife’s influence also holds great sway in keeping relationships intact.<br />I have found that the most important element to a happy marriage is a genuine interest in making your partner happy as your primary goal in each interaction with him or her. <br /><br />• How can you tell when a man is being honest and not just mimicking what they have been 'taught?' <br /><br />That’s a trick question. If I teach you how to speak Spanish, you can’t then ask if it’s honest or mimicking—it’s a real effort. If you try to speak it, and every Spanish speaking person looks blankly at you, like you are not speaking any language THEY know, eventually you will give up. If you start to get feedback that you are doing a good job, or get encouragement for trying, you speak more and more. No, you’ll never be a native speaker, but you’ll get to be fluent.<br />When I teach men, they don’t intuitively think of doing some of the things I suggest, but their efforts to make a difference are genuine. For instance, a husband may send a card because he knows you love cards. That doesn’t mean he’s fake, even if he thinks it’s a waste of $2.95. None of us are truly selfless, but we can be taught (as the church tries to do) to work hard at it and try hard to make it part of our lives. When men try to put their women first, and their women respond positively and enthusiastically, men are more likely to keep up the efforts.<br /><br />• How effective is your teaching? And, how long does the behavior last? <br /><br />If men are genuinely devoted to trying to keep a marriage, my teaching is very effective. Marriage research demonstrates the tremendous influence that a man has over the sustenance of a marriage.<br /><br />• Do you have to work at all successful relationships or do successful relationships already have that something that clicks that keeps it working... fresh... spontaneous? <br /><br />I think it would take 2 extraordinary people to have a relationship that clicks, and keeps on clicking. I have treated a few couples who have claimed that was the case—until they ended up needing treatment with me! But I suppose there are a few who do have smooth sailing, and those are people I never meet in my office. I think it’s very rare. Even knowing what to do doesn’t seem to help; on more than one occasion I’ve dealt with world-class therapists married to each other, and unable to maintain a persistent mutually happy marriage.<br /><br />• Do you believe in love at first sight?<br /><br />Sure! But I don’t think that there’s an “I’ll be happily married forever to this person” at first sight. We are always so optimistic when we begin a relationship, but that gets tempered by experience and time. If we don’t learn—and apply--the skills that make marriage great, there won’t be much left after the glow of falling in love starts to fade.Dr Haltzmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15203844242713411011noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6127667357427042703.post-65654623997251107212009-12-01T07:22:00.001-08:002009-12-01T07:23:20.560-08:00Love the one you're withMy brother commented to me to today that he and his girlfriend were both settled in for a relaxing evening by the fire when each simultaneously made the same observation. Rather than engage in conversation with each other, they were each engaged in communicating with their blackberries! They laughed together as they realized how a pattern of “unwinding” looks so much more different than it did even a decade ago. Now they are always connected, always available, and always distracted from, in the words of the Buddhist philosopher, Be[ing] Here Now.<br /><br />It’s easy to look back before the intrusion of instant messaging into our lives and think how much better things were before the digital age. But that may be an exaggeration. For instance, I recall that my father would feel irritated when my mother would pick up a book and disappear into its pages while they sat together in bed or in the den. And let’s not forget the old-fashioned telephone, which has consistently interrupted household family time since the Alexander Graham Bell’s first child hit puberty. And, of course, television has soured many an intimate moment—a recent Italian study showed that rates of marital sex dropped in half when there was a TV in the bedroom.<br /><br />While TVs can be turned off and books can be put down, people don’t feel capable of shutting off their blackberries or cell phones because they are expected to be always available. People who know you can readily check email want you to be waiting by your inbox; they are expecting you to read, process, and respond at once. <br /><br />Being chronically on call eats into your private life and robs you of the full enjoyment of the company of your loved ones. It invites strangers into your home day and night. It erodes the quality of the time spent together.<br /><br />So next time you and someone you love are hanging out by the fire on a cold autumn night, turn off your blackberries!Dr Haltzmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15203844242713411011noreply@blogger.com0