Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Random musings

Here are some random questions and answers from journalists.


• What is the common thread in men that are in happy marriages?

One scenario that predicts a happy marriage is one in which each member of the relationship adopt clear cut (and relatively society-sanctioned) gender roles. Men whose wives regularly praise them, cook for them, enjoy frequent sex with them, and don’t complain about household responsibilities do tend to be happy.
The problem is, that accounts for about 5% of all marriages!
The other men are ones who have found that their marriage requires work, but who have discovered—and mastered--the nature of that work. Men who are happiest are the ones whose wives are happiest. Most American women aren’t innately content with marriage unless husbands demonstrate emotional connectedness. Moreover, a husband must make it known to his wife that, above all, he has put her happiness, safety and security above all else.
The men who are happy in marriage are the ones who have successfully met the standards that their wives set for them; as a result, a wife becomes genuinely content in the relationship, and men start to flourish.

• Does success in the work place (for men) follow them in the successes in their marriages / relationships?

One of the compelling research questions I ponder is whether there is a correlation between work stability and marriage stability. It does seem to me that the kind of man that gets fired from job after job is likely not to be able to maintain a long lasting marriage, but I just don’t have the data to back that up.

• What is the most important aspect in determining a successful relationship?

Studies show a number of factors. The ability to “repair” after a fight is a very strong predictor. The willingness of a man to accept his wife’s influence also holds great sway in keeping relationships intact.
I have found that the most important element to a happy marriage is a genuine interest in making your partner happy as your primary goal in each interaction with him or her.

• How can you tell when a man is being honest and not just mimicking what they have been 'taught?'

That’s a trick question. If I teach you how to speak Spanish, you can’t then ask if it’s honest or mimicking—it’s a real effort. If you try to speak it, and every Spanish speaking person looks blankly at you, like you are not speaking any language THEY know, eventually you will give up. If you start to get feedback that you are doing a good job, or get encouragement for trying, you speak more and more. No, you’ll never be a native speaker, but you’ll get to be fluent.
When I teach men, they don’t intuitively think of doing some of the things I suggest, but their efforts to make a difference are genuine. For instance, a husband may send a card because he knows you love cards. That doesn’t mean he’s fake, even if he thinks it’s a waste of $2.95. None of us are truly selfless, but we can be taught (as the church tries to do) to work hard at it and try hard to make it part of our lives. When men try to put their women first, and their women respond positively and enthusiastically, men are more likely to keep up the efforts.

• How effective is your teaching? And, how long does the behavior last?

If men are genuinely devoted to trying to keep a marriage, my teaching is very effective. Marriage research demonstrates the tremendous influence that a man has over the sustenance of a marriage.

• Do you have to work at all successful relationships or do successful relationships already have that something that clicks that keeps it working... fresh... spontaneous?

I think it would take 2 extraordinary people to have a relationship that clicks, and keeps on clicking. I have treated a few couples who have claimed that was the case—until they ended up needing treatment with me! But I suppose there are a few who do have smooth sailing, and those are people I never meet in my office. I think it’s very rare. Even knowing what to do doesn’t seem to help; on more than one occasion I’ve dealt with world-class therapists married to each other, and unable to maintain a persistent mutually happy marriage.

• Do you believe in love at first sight?

Sure! But I don’t think that there’s an “I’ll be happily married forever to this person” at first sight. We are always so optimistic when we begin a relationship, but that gets tempered by experience and time. If we don’t learn—and apply--the skills that make marriage great, there won’t be much left after the glow of falling in love starts to fade.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Love the one you're with

My brother commented to me to today that he and his girlfriend were both settled in for a relaxing evening by the fire when each simultaneously made the same observation. Rather than engage in conversation with each other, they were each engaged in communicating with their blackberries! They laughed together as they realized how a pattern of “unwinding” looks so much more different than it did even a decade ago. Now they are always connected, always available, and always distracted from, in the words of the Buddhist philosopher, Be[ing] Here Now.

It’s easy to look back before the intrusion of instant messaging into our lives and think how much better things were before the digital age. But that may be an exaggeration. For instance, I recall that my father would feel irritated when my mother would pick up a book and disappear into its pages while they sat together in bed or in the den. And let’s not forget the old-fashioned telephone, which has consistently interrupted household family time since the Alexander Graham Bell’s first child hit puberty. And, of course, television has soured many an intimate moment—a recent Italian study showed that rates of marital sex dropped in half when there was a TV in the bedroom.

While TVs can be turned off and books can be put down, people don’t feel capable of shutting off their blackberries or cell phones because they are expected to be always available. People who know you can readily check email want you to be waiting by your inbox; they are expecting you to read, process, and respond at once.

Being chronically on call eats into your private life and robs you of the full enjoyment of the company of your loved ones. It invites strangers into your home day and night. It erodes the quality of the time spent together.

So next time you and someone you love are hanging out by the fire on a cold autumn night, turn off your blackberries!

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Fall in New England

It’s unseasonably warm in Rhode Island today. But that’s the joy of living in New England, it’s always unseasonably something! Now, after a little yard work, I decided to write an updated newsletter. Later, the Patriot’s game.

Last week I completed a seminar at Harvard’s “Treating Couples” conference, and it was great fun! Many in the audience were appreciative of the unique status of marriage, and how hard I fight to help marriages last. One of my favorite studies, which I cited during my talk, was published a decade ago by Linda Waite and colleagues. In the study she examines what happens during a five-year period to spouses who feel moderately or very unhappy with marriage. Sadly, about 23 percent of the couples split up. But amazingly, at the end of the study more than 80 percent of people who were having a rotten time in marriage report they are now very happy or extremely happy with wedded life. That’s pretty impressive.

And that makes sense. People want marriage to be like dating, only better. I get that. I was there. Of course, people ought to treat their spouses with the attention and consideration that they did when dating. But dating, even living together, is different than being married. Once betrothed, everything you do you do for both. Whether you buy a lottery ticket instead of a gallon of milk or make a two-hour phone call to your sister in the middle of supper your actions are not simply your own. And everyone has to live with the consequences together. It’s daunting. Moreover what you think is in the family’s best interest isn’t what you partner thinks is. All well and good. But here’s the key to relationships falling apart, even though you have a different belief about what’s best for the family, each of you is SURE that you--not your mate-- are right. And that’s where marriage has to learn to adapt or die.

Take the shower curtain in our bathroom. Our home is on the market, so when potential sellers come through, I think it’s best to leave the curtain open to expose our unique architect-designed tiled shower area. My wife thinks that homes show better if people don’t have to stare into the shower during a tour. Obviously, there’s no compromise, since leaving a curtain half open endorses no one’s belief system. How to solve this? If I should happen to find an interview with some HGTV expert that says “keep them open,” I might get her to change her mind. However, the following week, she’s just as likely to find an expert to say, “keep them closed,” and she’ll try to get me to change my mind. Or maybe I’m able to convince her and she changes her mind on her own. But lets say she never sees the errors of her ways, or let’s say she’s never able to convince me to see the errors of mine. Here’s what happens: since she prepares the house before a showing, she does it the way she thinks it should get done. And, to all this, I remind myself that it’s unlikely a person will tour our home and say to themselves, “I would have loved to have bought that home, but I just wasn’t impressed with how the shower was displayed.”

So the solution isn’t in eliminating the source of disagreement, it’s in having the right attitude toward the things you can’t resolve. Life goes on; will your marriage?

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Children Learn By Observing Behavior - What Are You Teaching Them?

I'm quoted in this article.

Even when you don't say a word, you're teaching your grandchildren lessons. Studies show that children learn how to live in the world by observing behavior. What are you teaching them?

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

The Good Wife engages in Domestic Violence

Like many in the marriage community, I am eager to see what becomes of the fictional characters who suffer from infidelity portrayed in TV series "The Good Wife." But I must comment on the advertisements for the show, and fashion in which the show is described in the advanced publicity.
When the female character portrayed by Julianna Margulies finds out her husband is having an affair during a news conference, she "'snap[s] out of it' and slap[s] him hard," do you think viewers are likely to respond with "You go girl!"? Here's the bottom line: Slapping your partner across the face is a form of physical violence. Don't believe me? Imagine watching a commercial of a man who found out his wife was having an affair-- and he responds by slapping HER hard across the face! There would be no sympathy (nor should there be) for that man. As marriage educators, we should in no way accept such violence--man on woman or woman on man--as the natural course of marital problems or simply entertainment. And we should speak out when domestic violence is glorified on TV!

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Happiness in Hawaii

I was playing tennis with a friend, who was very excited after his return from a 2-week family trip to Hawaii. He spoke about the beautiful sunsets, the spectacular clean beaches, the natural settings and the kind people.
But what he remembered most was “hearts.”
Every night, Dan and his family took out a deck of cards, and committed at least a half-hour to a continuous game of hearts. Maybe Dan liked it because, after 2 weeks of playing, his score was the lowest (that’s the objective of hearts). But I suspect that it was something more. Despite the nice rental condos, the extravagant nightly luaus and the breathtaking scenery, it was the time that he spent connecting with his family that Dan looks to as a key to having a great experience with his clan.
With the barrage of media messages saying that happiness can be bought by upgrades in cell phones or the purchase of a new car, it’s instructive to see how simple activities can bond people together more strongly. And it doesn’t help that it was in Hawaii!

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Coming to Ohio

A happy marriage could be 
one seminar away
By Kim Margolis, Staff Writer
7:59 PM Friday, August 14, 2009
Want a happy marriage? Attending a meeting by a nationally-known relationship expert could be a start.
Dr. Scott Haltzman is the author of “The Secrets of Happily Married Men, The Secrets of Happily Married Women and The Secrets of Happy Families.”
Marriage Works! Ohio is bringing him to Dayton on Saturday, Sept. 12, for a discussion on “Happily Married, Fact or Fiction.” The event will be held from 6:30 to 9 p.m.
Shauntay Alexander, event planner for Marriage! Works, said Haltzman will talk about helping couples cope with the reality of marriage instead of dwelling on the expectations.
“A lot of times reality doesn’t meet what those expectations were and he’ll talk about how to move past that and learn to be happy and to have a healthy relationship,” Alexander said.
The discussion will also aim to dispel stereotypes that women look for a husband who will do everything for them and husbands just look for sex.
The meeting is for married couples of all ages at any point in their marriage. And it’s for people who aren’t yet married.
“When you are dating, you do have those preconceived ideas,” she said. “It’s perfect or even more beneficial for them to come.”
Tickets are $15 and include a copy of “The Secrets of Happily Married Men” and a dessert buffet, in case you’re having trouble getting your partner to attend.
Scott is a contributor to Redbook magazine and also has a Web site, DrScott.com, which offers relationship advice.
Marriage Works! Ohio is a Dayton-based organization that works to help build healthy families. It is funded through federal agencies.
Find this article at:
http://www.daytondailynews.com/lifestyle/a-happy-marriage-could-be-one-seminar-away-249924.htm

Sunday, July 19, 2009

The gift of Zucchini

The gardens are green and prolific. One of the things I enjoy most about this time of the year is how my raspberry bushes, Zucchini plants and bean vines begin to produce more that my family or I can eat. That means it’s time to share with my neighbors.

I’ll be truthful, I’m not the world’s best at giving gifts. I mean to. I think, “I really ought to get a gift for my co-workers for their showers, or for my mailman for his birthday.” I do generally remember my wife, and, truth be told, I rely on my wife to get most (read: all) of the gifts for my children. But, no, when it comes to packing things into neat little boxes and slapping paper and a ribbon around them, I’m just downright rotten.

But my vegetable garden permits me to connect with my friends and community in ways that make gift giving a thing of ease. I bubble over with enthusiasm when I find a giant zucchini (where had it been hiding yesterday when I picked the other two?!) and ask myself which of my neighbors gets it. I like passing a few cucumbers over the fence to my neighbor. In just a few weeks, I’m sure that I’ll be bringing tomatoes door-to-door.

In my newest book, "The Secrets of Happy Families," I write that one of the fundamental factors contributing to a happy and healthy family is developing a close sense of community with your neighbors, especially if you live a distance from your family of origin. Because Susan and I are far enough away from our parents and siblings, we try to include those around us in our circle of “surrogate family.” And sharing the fruits of my garden is one way of expressing my appreciation to those neighbors who unknowingly volunteered for their roles in our lives. Maybe I’ll tie a ribbon on a zucchini the next time I give one away…

Saturday, June 27, 2009

Rachel Ray and Marriage Advice

Don’t mess with her food, dude.

I don’t usually watch daytime television during the week, but I was home sick recently. Susan tuned into “Rachel Ray,” where a newly engaged couple were invited to discuss a domestic problem.

Here’s what’s at issue. The guy loves food and loves cooking, and comes from an Italian family where extra garlic, wine and spices are the keys to good food. As his fiancĂ©e explained, he was in disbelief when he first saw her open up a bottle of factory-made sauce for the first (and last!) time. So the guy sneaks into the kitchen and changes the recipe to meet his tastes. She’s not happy about it, and called Rachel for advice.

Rachel invites her hubby on the show—also a chef—and they discuss the issue. Point that Mr. Ray makes is “don’t mess with her food, dude.” The point that Rachel makes is that preparing a meal is an act of love, so correcting culinary technique is akin to rejecting love.

All smiles and nods, and Dr. Ray saves the day!!

But not so fast, says Dr. Scott. The advice sounds great, and inarguable. But it’s not the whole answer.

Here’s the problem with that perspective. Yes, to the woman in question, it is an issue of “love”, but to the man in question, it’s really an issue of “food.” He’d like a certain type of quality to his food, and, if he’s going to enjoy it, why shouldn’t he make suggestions about what brings him pleasure. Part of being a loving spouse is to figure out what makes the mate happy as an act of love, not “decide” for the spouse what happiness is.

Let me give you an example. If I go out to my wife’s garden and tear up all of her azalea bushes and plan rose bushes, should I expect her to be happy with me just because I’m doing it “with love.” If we pull into the Exxon station and my wife offers to fill up my 6-cylinder car with regular (instead of premium) gas, should I NOT step in and correct her actions if what she’s doing it as an act of love?

Here’s the bottom line: When your partner tries to steer you in a direction different than where you wanted to go, don’t take it personally, and allow him or her to help you make them happier. You'll both be happier.

Friday, June 12, 2009

Fighting Resentment

I had an enlightening discussion with a client today about resentment. He brought up the subject. He's currently reading a book about addiction, and described how he spent the evening reading the chapter aloud to his girlfriend. I asked him to describe resentment, and he hesitated.

Come to think of it, resentment is one of those things of which we have a basic understanding, but when put to the test, have problems defining. How would you define resentment?

Here's my take on that. Resentment comes about when you believe someone purposely withholds from you that which you expect him or her to do. The equation is simple: "I have an expectation of you, you know what it is, but you are willfully choosing to do something differently." In this "battle of the wills" it appears that somebody else is choosing to deny you what you ask. This action stirs up feelings of betrayal, irritation, frustration and anger. When you look toward that other person as a cause of these feelings, that, my friend, is resentment.

Let’s look at a real-life example. Jerome walks in the room and says to his wife, "I'm thirsty, please get me some water." His wife, Eloise, says “you get it!” and Jerome is upset. Jerome thinks to himself, "I worked hard all day, and I hardly ask anything of my wife. Now she tells in that she won't get me water!" as he marches across the room to fill up a glass of water, he looks at his immobile wife and feels resentful of her behavior. Jerome assumes that she willfully is not meeting his needs, and that's all that it takes to resentment to build.

But let's look at these facts a different way. Eloise suffers from migraines, which are usually controlled by medication. She's tried for two days to reach her doctor, because she has run out of medication, and he has not returned her phone call. For most of the day she has been bed ridden with a severe headache, but finally brings herself from the bedroom into the living room for a change of scenery. When her husband, Jerome, walks into the room, his voice sounds as if it is coming from a megaphone, as he insists that she jump out of her chair and get him a glass of water. "I can barely see or hear things," she says to herself, "and he has the nerve to ask me to get him some water. How hard is it to get water?" She finds herself getting angry for his presumption that his need for water is more important than her need for quiet. His total neglect of her physical and emotional state just proves to Eloise that Jerome just doesn't care. She feels resentment for his expectations of her, in his failure to appreciate what she needs at that moment.

And there you have it. The birth of resentment, in this case, in both directions! If there's one take-home message from this brief story, is that resentment builds because of assumptions that when somebody does not meet our needs, or asks something of us that they ought not to, that somehow they knew of their offense, and willingly and willfully chose to neglect their partner’s needs, most probably, in an effort to hurt the other person.

Hey, one suggestion! Don't assume that if your partner upsets you, or if you feel hurt by your partner, that he or she is intending to cause you pain. If you take a moment and try to see the whole picture, you realize that when a person is not meeting your needs in one particular moment in time, it is not necessarily a sign of neglect, abuse, betrayal, or lack of respect. Sometimes, just looking at a from the other person’s point of view prevents you from building up resentment, and allows you to work through your needs and better appreciate the other person’s needs. All this, and nice tall glass of ice water, and you may have a good day after all.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Hello, Mr. Blog. Long time no see.

I have this patient who tells me, “Look Haltzman, if you’re going to have a blog, you have to write something every now and then!” I know she’s right. There’s so much going on in my life, and my life as an author and speaker, that I sometimes feel that sitting down to write a meaningful paragraph or two feels too overwhelming. Ironic, isn’t it, in the face of my now having written three books.

My new focus is on families. I just today met with a man who’s father died at the age of 59, and who (along with his sister) now has inherited his dad’s home. He tells me that, in addition, he has the responsibility of taking care of his 76 year old grandmother. Does he feel burdened? Well, he tells me, “Sometimes I’m so tired at the end of the day, that I don’t have any energy for myself.” It may sound like a hardship, but his attitude toward it is anything but annoyance: “Doctor, I feel like I have a new attitude toward my responsibility and meaning in life. I’ve needed to absorb my father’s values and I carry part of him with me. I want to do things that would make him proud.”

Having a family is work. But it’s also a source of direction and meaning. I hope to be talking a lot more about family in this blog over the next few months. All I have to do is what my patient demands of me: to write something every now and then!

Thursday, January 15, 2009

You and your marital happiness

Occasionally my clients, or someone from the media, will be surprised statistic that shows 2/3 to ¾ of all separations and divorces are precipitated by women. Admittedly, I was surprised upon first finding this stat about a decade ago, when I began researching relationships and marriage. But it’s a statistic that makes sense. Women are more likely to describe feeling unhappy in a relationship; they are more likely to lodge complaints that the marriage isn’t meeting their needs. One woman, Liz, recently asked why men aren’t complaining about unhappy marriages: “Do they just not notice?”
Let me be clear that many of the women’s complaints about marriage are valid. The overly attentive guy who doted on her night and day and sent her texts every half hour (thus lovingly running up her cell phone bill)…the wildly enthusiastic dude who wanted to be with her every weekend and take her to exotic lands during vacation days…becomes the husband who doesn’t pick up the phone all day when he’s at work because he’s “too busy,” or doesn’t buy her flowers because “they’re a waste of money.” Women want to feel special. When husband cut back on courting their wives, the guys still know the love is there--but their wives don’t see it. So they become discontent. It’s because of the need to keep the courtship alive that I write “The Secrets of Happily Married Men.” If men would read it, there would be a lot fewer unhappy wives, and fewer unhappy marriages.
When couples stop paying attention to the needs of the other, the man also feels it. To answer Liz’s inquiry: Men DO notice when their wives have pulled back; they DO notice when the relationship isn’t going well; they DO feel it when their needs aren’t being met. Most men can compartmentalize this; they say to themselves that their relationship is snagged right now, and they continue to plod along hoping it will improve in the future. Sometimes they hang in there because happiness isn’t their prime directive. Sometimes they hang in there because their complacency supplants the need to be happy. Sometimes they just figure things will get better—and they either buy a book, see a counselor or just tough it out.
The biggest risk for the unhappily married man is when another woman treats him with more admiration and respect than his wife does. The appeal of a woman who treats a guy like he’s brilliant and important is almost irresistible. When a marriage sours, there’s a much greater likelihood that the man will leave his wife if there is a woman whom a man thinks he can go to after the breakup. He won’t tell himself he’s leaving Woman A for Woman B, but deep down that’s exactly what’s going on.
In the post-metrosexual era, though, it doesn’t take another woman to pull a man out of an unhappy marriage. I’ve been seeing more and more men in my practice who don’t have a woman in the wings. They don’t have anywhere else to go, and they are deeply bonded to their children. But, like the wife who feels he’s changed for the worse, these husband see changes in their relationship as stirring real emotions inside them. These men are longing for more than a place to stay at night, they are seeking love, and the expression of love, through a relationship with their wives. Many of these men have witnessed fathers who either lived through unhappy marriages, or have died an early death. And they ask themselves, “Is this all there is?”

There is a growing trend for men to walk away from marriage even when there’s not another woman in the wings.

Now, you’ve heard me say that men have got to step up to the plate when their wives are unhappy. But, the same is true of wives. Yes, marriage is a mutual relationship, but, whether you are a man or a woman reading this you need to understand that that mutuality begins with YOU. If you find ways to make relationship an extraordinary event for your spouse today and every day, then you’ll be well on your way to nailing down a marriage that will last you the rest of your life.