Tuesday, August 5, 2008

The Marriage Mechanic

A client once came to my office with news of another therapist who knew of my work. “Haltzman,” he asserted, “is nothing more than a marriage mechanic.” I guess that was supposed to be a put-down. And, to be sure, the client did want to know what to make of this therapists allegation.

I smiled inside. Heck, I smiled outside. I felt a sense of honor at this label. Picture, if you will, the image of someone taking their malfunctioning car to a mechanic—after a few brief diagnostics, the mechanic puts it on his lift, makes a few changes, warns you to remember in the future to rotate tires/use higher octane gas/check your coolant level and you are on your way. I like the idea of finding a guy or gal that can get my car back on the road.

The fact is there are ways to make relationships better, and these often include addressing the mechanics of the relationship. You’ve heard me talk about some of these before: using five positives for every negative interactions; men, accept your wife’s influence; learn how to repair after an argument; avoid criticism, contempt, stonewalling and defensiveness. All these things work, and they work great.

If just about all marriages can get better once they apply these principles, why are there still so many divorces? I’d like to say it’s because people don’t know about these principles, and in a certain number of patients, that’s true. But there are people who KNOW about these principles. I am aware of these people because I treat them. They read the books; they come to my sessions. And their marriages are no closer to being saved than the day I met them. These people have mentally checked out of their marriages, and are looking to me to tell them that they should move on. They come so disheartened with the quality of the relationship, or so disappointed (if not downright angry) with their mate that they cannot envision continuing the relationship.

It’s as if these people go to the mechanic, and say “I have a broken car.” And then, when the mechanic starts to take a look inside the hood, the customer says, “No! It’s broken. I need a new car!” In their minds, they’ve labeled the car as beyond repair, so they are closed to the idea that it can be fixed.

How does the mechanic convince a person that his car can be repaired when he or she is already walking around the showroom of a dealership looking for new cars? How can a therapist, a “marriage mechanic” if you will, convince a person that his or her marriage can be fixed when there’s no hope there?

To be continued...