Thursday, August 19, 2010

Secrets to a happy marriage, put down the Blackberry and join the relationship
August 17th, 2010 8:55 pm
By Marina Meyer
From the Blog of the Chicago Marriage Examiner

Author Dr. Haltzman advises couples on how to celebrate their marriage.

According to Dr. Scott Haltzman, there are additional layers of complexity when it comes to some hot-button issues that several couples face today. That’s why it’s important that spouses recognize that their partner has different needs than you, and that you team up together side-by-side instead of judge.

Chicago Marriage Examiner chatted with Haltzman, founder and editor of DrScott.com and 365Reasons.com and author of The Secrets of Happily Married Men, The Secrets of Happily Married Women and The Secrets of Happy Families, to explain what some of today’s hot-button issues are and why couples should live by the 365 reasons why marriage rocks.


Chicago Marriage Examiner: What are some hot-button topics that today’s couples face? How are these problems different or more complex than before?

Dr. Scott Haltzman: In the last century, the nature of marriage has changed. Whereas marriage frequently happened for reproductive, economic or political reasons, the expectations of marriage today are not only for a partner who shares in your desire for a family, but also partner that meets many of your emotional needs as well. The most common areas of arguments among families deal with money, sex, housework, in-laws and conflict over raising children.

There are additional layers of complexity related to households today compared to generations past. For instance, the influx of an electronic world into the household (beyond television) is often a source of additional stress for a family. In traditional households where men returned home from work after women, there is the additional complaint of "he runs to his computer and checks his e-mail" or "he has his Blackberry with him all day, even on the weekends."

Chicago Marriage Examiner: Your website, www.365reasons.com, offers a reason a day as to why marriage is good. Name some Top 10 reasons why marriage rocks.

Haltzman:


1. You live longer.

2. You accrue more wealth over the period of your life.

3. You demonstrate the ability to keep a promise in front of your friends and in front of God.

4. You have someone to share your day-to-day experiences with that is able to hold within them a bigger context that involves a lifetime of sharing day-to-day experiences.

5. You have a lifelong cheerleader to support you in times when you feel at a disadvantage.

6. You are able to provide a unified team in front of your children.

7. You have the opportunity to learn about a deeper and more enriching love than you have ever experienced before.

8. You learn how to compromise and, as a consequence, get exposed to new ideas and new situations that you never would have had without your spouse.

9. You have a sounding board for new ideas and an automatic brainstorming team.

10. In the event you become ill, there's someone to advocate for you to take care of you.

Chicago Marriage Examiner: What are some secrets to a happily married man, woman and family? Why do so many couples today fail to recognize or acknowledge these secrets?

Haltzman: The No. 1 secret of happy couples is the ability to recognize that your partner has needs different than yours. Rather than judge that partner, or try to change him or her, happy partners accept those differences and strive to find ways to make their partners happy. Those who have happy marriages primarily experience happiness because they see joy in their partner. The reason so many couples fail to recognize or acknowledge this secret is because society has reinforced for us our "right" to be happy, and when episodes of discontent impose themselves on the marriage, people are less inclined to ask how they themselves can change, and frequently look to their partner, expecting that he or she will change in order to assure their own happiness. When that partner fails to rise to that expectation, the knee-jerk reaction is to dismiss that partner.

Happy families function best when people have clear and realistic understandings of and expectations for each member of the family. It's important for the leaders of the family to be consistent in the message they give their children. All of the activities that are done both by individuals and as a family as a whole reflect the core values that define each unique family.

Chicago Marriage Examiner: Provide some additional information not discussed in above questions.

Haltzman: We live in a society that has geared us to believe that we deserve the best, and has imbued us with a certain doubt that what we have isn't quite good enough. There's a certain restlessness about our culture, and it's difficult to commit to a lifetime experience that may not always provide the joy and pleasure that we have come to accept as our birthright. Nonetheless, the couples that do learn how to work toward having an excellent relationship, improving their communication, and accepting each other's failings end up having a deeper level of emotional development that only such a profound commitment like marriage can bring.

It's interesting to me how many sacrifices a parent is willing to make for a child, such as listening to endless boring stories, watching sports events where the child may be sidelined 90 percent of the time, or tolerating all kinds of trans questions and faults while returning with copious amounts of love. Yet when our spouse attempts to tell us a boring story, asks us to watch him or her participate in sports, or screws up, there is much less tolerance and acceptance, and a nagging belief that "this is not the right person for me." Acceptance, appreciation, flexibility and commitment are the keys to maintaining happy lives and building the core of a happy family.

Friday, August 13, 2010

The (New) Measure of a Man

This Article looks at research that show men have different views on masculinity than people assume.

"The study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine included interviews with more than 27,000 randomly selected men from eight countries (Germany, U.S., U.K., Spain, Brazil, Mexico, Italy and France.
"Regardless of age or nationality, the men more frequently ranked good health, harmonious family life and good relationships with their wife or partner as more important to their quality of life than material, self-fulfilling or purely sexual concerns. There was no significant difference in rankings of masculinity and quality of life characteristics between men who experienced erectile dysfunction and those who did not.
"The study, part of the Men's Attitudes to Life Events and Sexuality (MALES) project, aimed to determine characteristics of masculinity and quality of life in men with and without self-reported erectile dysfunction, and how those ideas of masculinity might affect seeking help and treatment.
"Many meanings, positive and negative, are attached to the term, 'masculinity,'" said Julia Heiman, director of The Kinsey Institute at Indiana University and an author of this study. "To ask a large sample of men what comprises their own sense of masculinity is very useful for both the media and for research. These results suggest we should pay attention and ask rather than presume we know."
"Findings of the study include:

  • Overall, being seen as honorable was considered the most important quality in the construct of masculinity.
  • Compared to men without erectile dysfunction, the experience of erectile dysfunction neither increased nor decreased the importance men placed on having an active sex life or having success with women, although men with erectile dysfunction reported less satisfaction with their sex lives.
  • Men who seek treatment for erectile dysfunction do not differ in their views of masculinity from those who do not seek help.
    "Being seen as a man of honor" was cited as the most important attribute of masculine identity in Spain, Brazil, Mexico, United States and France, while "being in control of your own life" was the most important in Germany, the United Kingdom and Italy.

"The findings emphasize that men across cultures and ages value couple relationships over purely sexual pleasure and indicate that men are particularly concerned about their partnered relationships, whether or not they report erectile dysfunction."



Here's what I think:

The results of this study should be reassuring to men around the world, and to the women who love them. Men often get labeled as being focused on physical characteristics, either of themselves or of their mates, or on their sexual appetites. This study suggests that the core needs of men reflect issues of character, not just issues of physical pleasure or perfection.

In many years of dealing with men, many of them will tell me that the sense of honor is one of the predominant traits that they hold to. While divorce rates in the United States, demonstrate that more than two thirds of separations and divorces are precipitated by women, this study helps to elucidate why men will stay in marriage, even in times when they are not happy. Men will frequently refer to the sense of honor and duty as a reason that they stay in marriage. Moreover, as the finding of this study suggests, men deeply desire harmonious family life and good relationships with their wives. This further supports the rationale behind husbands’ ongoing efforts to stick with their marriage vows.

While some in our society believe we are moving toward a unisex culture, and continue to look for signs that men are becoming more metrosexual than ever, the results of this study reflect one stereotype about men that continues to be true: They are action oriented. The main message of the study is that what matters for men is the answer to the following question: What is the end result of the efforts that I make? When a man can look at his life and see that the decisions and actions he has taken reflect honor, integrity, and the capacity to follow through on his promise, nothing can be more satisfying.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

The Sea Legs of Marriage

A couple days ago, I had a very engaging radio interview with Dr. Jane Greer, in which we discussed my first book, The Secrets of Happily Married Men. Here’s the broadcast:
http://view.liveindexer.com/ASXGenerator.aspx?mediaSKU=euY%2bp2bmrySG1aRvbELjlA%3d%3d

It was an interesting conversation, during which we had an opportunity to discuss some of the challenges of helping marriages survive in today's times. Dr. Greer mentioned how many times people seem to bail out of marriage, "before they can get their sea legs." As Dr. Greer pointed this out, it occurred to me that the metaphor of sea legs was particularly apt.

For anyone that's ever done any sailing, or even gone on the Block Island ferry, you'll know that “sea legs” describes the adaptation of Homo sapiens to the entirely unnatural experience of the rising, falling and rocking of a boat on the water. Any person about to embark on a sea voyage has to accept the great possibility that the waters aren't always going to be smooth. Give it some time, however, and your body adapts. No longer are you flying back and forth over the deck of a ship, but in good time your sea legs help you remain steady.

When a couple meet and fall in love, they envision marriage will lead them to a place of serenity and peace. They picked out this very special partner, after all, because of the very special future that a shared relationship promised. When they exchange rings and, at last, take their vows both bride and groom are sure that calm waters are ahead.

Ideally, they would have smooth sailing through the rest of their lives. Rarely does the ideal meet the real. Every couple comes across times in their marriage, some sooner, some later, when a storm hits. At this point, many couples take a look at their marriage and conclude that difficult times are a reflection of deep-seated problems in their partner, or a reflection of some form of marital incompatibility or in tolerability. These couples might reason, "I married to have a quieter, safer, more gratifying and pleasant life. Clearly, marriage is not working out as I thought it would, and I'd better cut my losses!" They conclude that their marriage is wrong, one big mistake, and make the decision to divorce. They don't understand the need to develop sea legs; the very fact that they are in rough waters indicates that they embarked on the wrong trip.

Happily married couples realize that stormy weather and rough seas are a normal part of marriage. To them, having conflicts, disagreements, or even hard feelings are a motivation to improve themselves and increase their capacity to build a relationship with another human. Because they stay on these rough waters, and refuse to turn the ship around, they learn how to withstand the marital maelstrom. They do, in fact, develop sea legs. In time, when they reach smooth waters again, they not only found that they have developed better relationship skills, but together with a life partner, they progress further toward their life goals.

The optimist in me wishes only smooth waters for each couple. The realist in me recognizes that everybody will hit marital storms. The doctor in me wishes to help each and every couple improve their abilities to develop sea legs, and experience the joy that marriage over a lifetime can bring.