My brother commented to me to today that he and his girlfriend were both settled in for a relaxing evening by the fire when each simultaneously made the same observation. Rather than engage in conversation with each other, they were each engaged in communicating with their blackberries! They laughed together as they realized how a pattern of “unwinding” looks so much more different than it did even a decade ago. Now they are always connected, always available, and always distracted from, in the words of the Buddhist philosopher, Be[ing] Here Now.
It’s easy to look back before the intrusion of instant messaging into our lives and think how much better things were before the digital age. But that may be an exaggeration. For instance, I recall that my father would feel irritated when my mother would pick up a book and disappear into its pages while they sat together in bed or in the den. And let’s not forget the old-fashioned telephone, which has consistently interrupted household family time since the Alexander Graham Bell’s first child hit puberty. And, of course, television has soured many an intimate moment—a recent Italian study showed that rates of marital sex dropped in half when there was a TV in the bedroom.
While TVs can be turned off and books can be put down, people don’t feel capable of shutting off their blackberries or cell phones because they are expected to be always available. People who know you can readily check email want you to be waiting by your inbox; they are expecting you to read, process, and respond at once.
Being chronically on call eats into your private life and robs you of the full enjoyment of the company of your loved ones. It invites strangers into your home day and night. It erodes the quality of the time spent together.
So next time you and someone you love are hanging out by the fire on a cold autumn night, turn off your blackberries!
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Fall in New England
It’s unseasonably warm in Rhode Island today. But that’s the joy of living in New England, it’s always unseasonably something! Now, after a little yard work, I decided to write an updated newsletter. Later, the Patriot’s game.
Last week I completed a seminar at Harvard’s “Treating Couples” conference, and it was great fun! Many in the audience were appreciative of the unique status of marriage, and how hard I fight to help marriages last. One of my favorite studies, which I cited during my talk, was published a decade ago by Linda Waite and colleagues. In the study she examines what happens during a five-year period to spouses who feel moderately or very unhappy with marriage. Sadly, about 23 percent of the couples split up. But amazingly, at the end of the study more than 80 percent of people who were having a rotten time in marriage report they are now very happy or extremely happy with wedded life. That’s pretty impressive.
And that makes sense. People want marriage to be like dating, only better. I get that. I was there. Of course, people ought to treat their spouses with the attention and consideration that they did when dating. But dating, even living together, is different than being married. Once betrothed, everything you do you do for both. Whether you buy a lottery ticket instead of a gallon of milk or make a two-hour phone call to your sister in the middle of supper your actions are not simply your own. And everyone has to live with the consequences together. It’s daunting. Moreover what you think is in the family’s best interest isn’t what you partner thinks is. All well and good. But here’s the key to relationships falling apart, even though you have a different belief about what’s best for the family, each of you is SURE that you--not your mate-- are right. And that’s where marriage has to learn to adapt or die.
Take the shower curtain in our bathroom. Our home is on the market, so when potential sellers come through, I think it’s best to leave the curtain open to expose our unique architect-designed tiled shower area. My wife thinks that homes show better if people don’t have to stare into the shower during a tour. Obviously, there’s no compromise, since leaving a curtain half open endorses no one’s belief system. How to solve this? If I should happen to find an interview with some HGTV expert that says “keep them open,” I might get her to change her mind. However, the following week, she’s just as likely to find an expert to say, “keep them closed,” and she’ll try to get me to change my mind. Or maybe I’m able to convince her and she changes her mind on her own. But lets say she never sees the errors of her ways, or let’s say she’s never able to convince me to see the errors of mine. Here’s what happens: since she prepares the house before a showing, she does it the way she thinks it should get done. And, to all this, I remind myself that it’s unlikely a person will tour our home and say to themselves, “I would have loved to have bought that home, but I just wasn’t impressed with how the shower was displayed.”
So the solution isn’t in eliminating the source of disagreement, it’s in having the right attitude toward the things you can’t resolve. Life goes on; will your marriage?
Last week I completed a seminar at Harvard’s “Treating Couples” conference, and it was great fun! Many in the audience were appreciative of the unique status of marriage, and how hard I fight to help marriages last. One of my favorite studies, which I cited during my talk, was published a decade ago by Linda Waite and colleagues. In the study she examines what happens during a five-year period to spouses who feel moderately or very unhappy with marriage. Sadly, about 23 percent of the couples split up. But amazingly, at the end of the study more than 80 percent of people who were having a rotten time in marriage report they are now very happy or extremely happy with wedded life. That’s pretty impressive.
And that makes sense. People want marriage to be like dating, only better. I get that. I was there. Of course, people ought to treat their spouses with the attention and consideration that they did when dating. But dating, even living together, is different than being married. Once betrothed, everything you do you do for both. Whether you buy a lottery ticket instead of a gallon of milk or make a two-hour phone call to your sister in the middle of supper your actions are not simply your own. And everyone has to live with the consequences together. It’s daunting. Moreover what you think is in the family’s best interest isn’t what you partner thinks is. All well and good. But here’s the key to relationships falling apart, even though you have a different belief about what’s best for the family, each of you is SURE that you--not your mate-- are right. And that’s where marriage has to learn to adapt or die.
Take the shower curtain in our bathroom. Our home is on the market, so when potential sellers come through, I think it’s best to leave the curtain open to expose our unique architect-designed tiled shower area. My wife thinks that homes show better if people don’t have to stare into the shower during a tour. Obviously, there’s no compromise, since leaving a curtain half open endorses no one’s belief system. How to solve this? If I should happen to find an interview with some HGTV expert that says “keep them open,” I might get her to change her mind. However, the following week, she’s just as likely to find an expert to say, “keep them closed,” and she’ll try to get me to change my mind. Or maybe I’m able to convince her and she changes her mind on her own. But lets say she never sees the errors of her ways, or let’s say she’s never able to convince me to see the errors of mine. Here’s what happens: since she prepares the house before a showing, she does it the way she thinks it should get done. And, to all this, I remind myself that it’s unlikely a person will tour our home and say to themselves, “I would have loved to have bought that home, but I just wasn’t impressed with how the shower was displayed.”
So the solution isn’t in eliminating the source of disagreement, it’s in having the right attitude toward the things you can’t resolve. Life goes on; will your marriage?
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Children Learn By Observing Behavior - What Are You Teaching Them?
I'm quoted in this article.
Even when you don't say a word, you're teaching your grandchildren lessons. Studies show that children learn how to live in the world by observing behavior. What are you teaching them?
Monday, October 12, 2009
Parents work to balance youth sports, life - pressofAtlanticCity.com : Today's Top Headlines
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
The Good Wife engages in Domestic Violence
Like many in the marriage community, I am eager to see what becomes of the fictional characters who suffer from infidelity portrayed in TV series "The Good Wife." But I must comment on the advertisements for the show, and fashion in which the show is described in the advanced publicity.
When the female character portrayed by Julianna Margulies finds out her husband is having an affair during a news conference, she "'snap[s] out of it' and slap[s] him hard," do you think viewers are likely to respond with "You go girl!"? Here's the bottom line: Slapping your partner across the face is a form of physical violence. Don't believe me? Imagine watching a commercial of a man who found out his wife was having an affair-- and he responds by slapping HER hard across the face! There would be no sympathy (nor should there be) for that man. As marriage educators, we should in no way accept such violence--man on woman or woman on man--as the natural course of marital problems or simply entertainment. And we should speak out when domestic violence is glorified on TV!
When the female character portrayed by Julianna Margulies finds out her husband is having an affair during a news conference, she "'snap[s] out of it' and slap[s] him hard," do you think viewers are likely to respond with "You go girl!"? Here's the bottom line: Slapping your partner across the face is a form of physical violence. Don't believe me? Imagine watching a commercial of a man who found out his wife was having an affair-- and he responds by slapping HER hard across the face! There would be no sympathy (nor should there be) for that man. As marriage educators, we should in no way accept such violence--man on woman or woman on man--as the natural course of marital problems or simply entertainment. And we should speak out when domestic violence is glorified on TV!
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Happiness in Hawaii
I was playing tennis with a friend, who was very excited after his return from a 2-week family trip to Hawaii. He spoke about the beautiful sunsets, the spectacular clean beaches, the natural settings and the kind people.
But what he remembered most was “hearts.”
Every night, Dan and his family took out a deck of cards, and committed at least a half-hour to a continuous game of hearts. Maybe Dan liked it because, after 2 weeks of playing, his score was the lowest (that’s the objective of hearts). But I suspect that it was something more. Despite the nice rental condos, the extravagant nightly luaus and the breathtaking scenery, it was the time that he spent connecting with his family that Dan looks to as a key to having a great experience with his clan.
With the barrage of media messages saying that happiness can be bought by upgrades in cell phones or the purchase of a new car, it’s instructive to see how simple activities can bond people together more strongly. And it doesn’t help that it was in Hawaii!
But what he remembered most was “hearts.”
Every night, Dan and his family took out a deck of cards, and committed at least a half-hour to a continuous game of hearts. Maybe Dan liked it because, after 2 weeks of playing, his score was the lowest (that’s the objective of hearts). But I suspect that it was something more. Despite the nice rental condos, the extravagant nightly luaus and the breathtaking scenery, it was the time that he spent connecting with his family that Dan looks to as a key to having a great experience with his clan.
With the barrage of media messages saying that happiness can be bought by upgrades in cell phones or the purchase of a new car, it’s instructive to see how simple activities can bond people together more strongly. And it doesn’t help that it was in Hawaii!
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Coming to Ohio
A happy marriage could be
one seminar away
By Kim Margolis, Staff Writer
7:59 PM Friday, August 14, 2009
Want a happy marriage? Attending a meeting by a nationally-known relationship expert could be a start.
Dr. Scott Haltzman is the author of “The Secrets of Happily Married Men, The Secrets of Happily Married Women and The Secrets of Happy Families.”
Marriage Works! Ohio is bringing him to Dayton on Saturday, Sept. 12, for a discussion on “Happily Married, Fact or Fiction.” The event will be held from 6:30 to 9 p.m.
Shauntay Alexander, event planner for Marriage! Works, said Haltzman will talk about helping couples cope with the reality of marriage instead of dwelling on the expectations.
“A lot of times reality doesn’t meet what those expectations were and he’ll talk about how to move past that and learn to be happy and to have a healthy relationship,” Alexander said.
The discussion will also aim to dispel stereotypes that women look for a husband who will do everything for them and husbands just look for sex.
The meeting is for married couples of all ages at any point in their marriage. And it’s for people who aren’t yet married.
“When you are dating, you do have those preconceived ideas,” she said. “It’s perfect or even more beneficial for them to come.”
Tickets are $15 and include a copy of “The Secrets of Happily Married Men” and a dessert buffet, in case you’re having trouble getting your partner to attend.
Scott is a contributor to Redbook magazine and also has a Web site, DrScott.com, which offers relationship advice.
Marriage Works! Ohio is a Dayton-based organization that works to help build healthy families. It is funded through federal agencies.
Find this article at:
http://www.daytondailynews.com/lifestyle/a-happy-marriage-could-be-one-seminar-away-249924.htm
By Kim Margolis, Staff Writer
7:59 PM Friday, August 14, 2009
Want a happy marriage? Attending a meeting by a nationally-known relationship expert could be a start.
Dr. Scott Haltzman is the author of “The Secrets of Happily Married Men, The Secrets of Happily Married Women and The Secrets of Happy Families.”
Marriage Works! Ohio is bringing him to Dayton on Saturday, Sept. 12, for a discussion on “Happily Married, Fact or Fiction.” The event will be held from 6:30 to 9 p.m.
Shauntay Alexander, event planner for Marriage! Works, said Haltzman will talk about helping couples cope with the reality of marriage instead of dwelling on the expectations.
“A lot of times reality doesn’t meet what those expectations were and he’ll talk about how to move past that and learn to be happy and to have a healthy relationship,” Alexander said.
The discussion will also aim to dispel stereotypes that women look for a husband who will do everything for them and husbands just look for sex.
The meeting is for married couples of all ages at any point in their marriage. And it’s for people who aren’t yet married.
“When you are dating, you do have those preconceived ideas,” she said. “It’s perfect or even more beneficial for them to come.”
Tickets are $15 and include a copy of “The Secrets of Happily Married Men” and a dessert buffet, in case you’re having trouble getting your partner to attend.
Scott is a contributor to Redbook magazine and also has a Web site, DrScott.com, which offers relationship advice.
Marriage Works! Ohio is a Dayton-based organization that works to help build healthy families. It is funded through federal agencies.
Find this article at:
http://www.daytondailynews.com/lifestyle/a-happy-marriage-could-be-one-seminar-away-249924.htm
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