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Thursday, July 2, 2009
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Rachel Ray and Marriage Advice
Don’t mess with her food, dude.
I don’t usually watch daytime television during the week, but I was home sick recently. Susan tuned into “Rachel Ray,” where a newly engaged couple were invited to discuss a domestic problem.
Here’s what’s at issue. The guy loves food and loves cooking, and comes from an Italian family where extra garlic, wine and spices are the keys to good food. As his fiancée explained, he was in disbelief when he first saw her open up a bottle of factory-made sauce for the first (and last!) time. So the guy sneaks into the kitchen and changes the recipe to meet his tastes. She’s not happy about it, and called Rachel for advice.
Rachel invites her hubby on the show—also a chef—and they discuss the issue. Point that Mr. Ray makes is “don’t mess with her food, dude.” The point that Rachel makes is that preparing a meal is an act of love, so correcting culinary technique is akin to rejecting love.
All smiles and nods, and Dr. Ray saves the day!!
But not so fast, says Dr. Scott. The advice sounds great, and inarguable. But it’s stupid. And, if I don’t offend my readers, it’s a bunch of psychobabble.
Here’s the problem with that perspective. Yes, to the woman in question, it is an issue of “love”, but to the man in question, it’s really an issue of “food.” He’d like a certain type of quality to his food, and, if he’s going to enjoy it, why shouldn’t he make suggestions about what brings him pleasure. Part of being a loving spouse is to figure out what makes the mate happy as an act of love, not “decide” for the spouse what happiness is.
Let me give you an example. If I go out to my wife’s garden and tear up all of her azalea bushes and plan rose bushes, should I expect her to be happy with me just because I’m doing it “with love.” If we pull into the Exxon station and my wife offers to fill up my 6-cylinder car with regular (instead of premium) gas, should I NOT step in and correct her actions if what she’s doing it as an act of love?
Here’s the bottom line: 1. We should reject stupid advice and 2. When your partner tries to steer you in a direction different than where you wanted to go, don’t take it personally, and allow him or her to help you make them happier.
I don’t usually watch daytime television during the week, but I was home sick recently. Susan tuned into “Rachel Ray,” where a newly engaged couple were invited to discuss a domestic problem.
Here’s what’s at issue. The guy loves food and loves cooking, and comes from an Italian family where extra garlic, wine and spices are the keys to good food. As his fiancée explained, he was in disbelief when he first saw her open up a bottle of factory-made sauce for the first (and last!) time. So the guy sneaks into the kitchen and changes the recipe to meet his tastes. She’s not happy about it, and called Rachel for advice.
Rachel invites her hubby on the show—also a chef—and they discuss the issue. Point that Mr. Ray makes is “don’t mess with her food, dude.” The point that Rachel makes is that preparing a meal is an act of love, so correcting culinary technique is akin to rejecting love.
All smiles and nods, and Dr. Ray saves the day!!
But not so fast, says Dr. Scott. The advice sounds great, and inarguable. But it’s stupid. And, if I don’t offend my readers, it’s a bunch of psychobabble.
Here’s the problem with that perspective. Yes, to the woman in question, it is an issue of “love”, but to the man in question, it’s really an issue of “food.” He’d like a certain type of quality to his food, and, if he’s going to enjoy it, why shouldn’t he make suggestions about what brings him pleasure. Part of being a loving spouse is to figure out what makes the mate happy as an act of love, not “decide” for the spouse what happiness is.
Let me give you an example. If I go out to my wife’s garden and tear up all of her azalea bushes and plan rose bushes, should I expect her to be happy with me just because I’m doing it “with love.” If we pull into the Exxon station and my wife offers to fill up my 6-cylinder car with regular (instead of premium) gas, should I NOT step in and correct her actions if what she’s doing it as an act of love?
Here’s the bottom line: 1. We should reject stupid advice and 2. When your partner tries to steer you in a direction different than where you wanted to go, don’t take it personally, and allow him or her to help you make them happier.
Friday, June 12, 2009
Fighting Resentment
I had an enlightening discussion with a client today about resentment. He brought up the subject. He's currently reading a book about addiction, and described how he spent the evening reading the chapter aloud to his girlfriend. I asked him to describe resentment, and he hesitated.
Come to think of it, resentment is one of those things of which we have a basic understanding, but when put to the test, have problems defining. How would you define resentment?
Here's my take on that. Resentment comes about when you believe someone purposely withholds from you that which you expect him or her to do. The equation is simple: "I have an expectation of you, you know what it is, but you are willfully choosing to do something differently." In this "battle of the wills" it appears that somebody else is choosing to deny you what you ask. This action stirs up feelings of betrayal, irritation, frustration and anger. When you look toward that other person as a cause of these feelings, that, my friend, is resentment.
Let’s look at a real-life example. Jerome walks in the room and says to his wife, "I'm thirsty, please get me some water." His wife, Eloise, says “you get it!” and Jerome is upset. Jerome thinks to himself, "I worked hard all day, and I hardly ask anything of my wife. Now she tells in that she won't get me water!" as he marches across the room to fill up a glass of water, he looks at his immobile wife and feels resentful of her behavior. Jerome assumes that she willfully is not meeting his needs, and that's all that it takes to resentment to build.
But let's look at these facts a different way. Eloise suffers from migraines, which are usually controlled by medication. She's tried for two days to reach her doctor, because she has run out of medication, and he has not returned her phone call. For most of the day she has been bed ridden with a severe headache, but finally brings herself from the bedroom into the living room for a change of scenery. When her husband, Jerome, walks into the room, his voice sounds as if it is coming from a megaphone, as he insists that she jump out of her chair and get him a glass of water. "I can barely see or hear things," she says to herself, "and he has the nerve to ask me to get him some water. How hard is it to get water?" She finds herself getting angry for his presumption that his need for water is more important than her need for quiet. His total neglect of her physical and emotional state just proves to Eloise that Jerome just doesn't care. She feels resentment for his expectations of her, in his failure to appreciate what she needs at that moment.
And there you have it. The birth of resentment, in this case, in both directions! If there's one take-home message from this brief story, is that resentment builds because of assumptions that when somebody does not meet our needs, or asks something of us that they ought not to, that somehow they knew of their offense, and willingly and willfully chose to neglect their partner’s needs, most probably, in an effort to hurt the other person.
Hey, one suggestion! Don't assume that if your partner upsets you, or if you feel hurt by your partner, that he or she is intending to cause you pain. If you take a moment and try to see the whole picture, you realize that when a person is not meeting your needs in one particular moment in time, it is not necessarily a sign of neglect, abuse, betrayal, or lack of respect. Sometimes, just looking at a from the other person’s point of view prevents you from building up resentment, and allows you to work through your needs and better appreciate the other person’s needs. All this, and nice tall glass of ice water, and you may have a good day after all.
Come to think of it, resentment is one of those things of which we have a basic understanding, but when put to the test, have problems defining. How would you define resentment?
Here's my take on that. Resentment comes about when you believe someone purposely withholds from you that which you expect him or her to do. The equation is simple: "I have an expectation of you, you know what it is, but you are willfully choosing to do something differently." In this "battle of the wills" it appears that somebody else is choosing to deny you what you ask. This action stirs up feelings of betrayal, irritation, frustration and anger. When you look toward that other person as a cause of these feelings, that, my friend, is resentment.
Let’s look at a real-life example. Jerome walks in the room and says to his wife, "I'm thirsty, please get me some water." His wife, Eloise, says “you get it!” and Jerome is upset. Jerome thinks to himself, "I worked hard all day, and I hardly ask anything of my wife. Now she tells in that she won't get me water!" as he marches across the room to fill up a glass of water, he looks at his immobile wife and feels resentful of her behavior. Jerome assumes that she willfully is not meeting his needs, and that's all that it takes to resentment to build.
But let's look at these facts a different way. Eloise suffers from migraines, which are usually controlled by medication. She's tried for two days to reach her doctor, because she has run out of medication, and he has not returned her phone call. For most of the day she has been bed ridden with a severe headache, but finally brings herself from the bedroom into the living room for a change of scenery. When her husband, Jerome, walks into the room, his voice sounds as if it is coming from a megaphone, as he insists that she jump out of her chair and get him a glass of water. "I can barely see or hear things," she says to herself, "and he has the nerve to ask me to get him some water. How hard is it to get water?" She finds herself getting angry for his presumption that his need for water is more important than her need for quiet. His total neglect of her physical and emotional state just proves to Eloise that Jerome just doesn't care. She feels resentment for his expectations of her, in his failure to appreciate what she needs at that moment.
And there you have it. The birth of resentment, in this case, in both directions! If there's one take-home message from this brief story, is that resentment builds because of assumptions that when somebody does not meet our needs, or asks something of us that they ought not to, that somehow they knew of their offense, and willingly and willfully chose to neglect their partner’s needs, most probably, in an effort to hurt the other person.
Hey, one suggestion! Don't assume that if your partner upsets you, or if you feel hurt by your partner, that he or she is intending to cause you pain. If you take a moment and try to see the whole picture, you realize that when a person is not meeting your needs in one particular moment in time, it is not necessarily a sign of neglect, abuse, betrayal, or lack of respect. Sometimes, just looking at a from the other person’s point of view prevents you from building up resentment, and allows you to work through your needs and better appreciate the other person’s needs. All this, and nice tall glass of ice water, and you may have a good day after all.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Hello, Mr. Blog. Long time no see.
I have this patient who tells me, “Look Haltzman, if you’re going to have a blog, you have to write something every now and then!” I know she’s right. There’s so much going on in my life, and my life as an author and speaker, that I sometimes feel that sitting down to write a meaningful paragraph or two feels too overwhelming. Ironic, isn’t it, in the face of my now having written three books.
My new focus is on families. I just today met with a man who’s father died at the age of 59, and who (along with his sister) now has inherited his dad’s home. He tells me that, in addition, he has the responsibility of taking care of his 76 year old grandmother. Does he feel burdened? Well, he tells me, “Sometimes I’m so tired at the end of the day, that I don’t have any energy for myself.” It may sound like a hardship, but his attitude toward it is anything but annoyance: “Doctor, I feel like I have a new attitude toward my responsibility and meaning in life. I’ve needed to absorb my father’s values and I carry part of him with me. I want to do things that would make him proud.”
Having a family is work. But it’s also a source of direction and meaning. I hope to be talking a lot more about family in this blog over the next few months. All I have to do is what my patient demands of me: to write something every now and then!
My new focus is on families. I just today met with a man who’s father died at the age of 59, and who (along with his sister) now has inherited his dad’s home. He tells me that, in addition, he has the responsibility of taking care of his 76 year old grandmother. Does he feel burdened? Well, he tells me, “Sometimes I’m so tired at the end of the day, that I don’t have any energy for myself.” It may sound like a hardship, but his attitude toward it is anything but annoyance: “Doctor, I feel like I have a new attitude toward my responsibility and meaning in life. I’ve needed to absorb my father’s values and I carry part of him with me. I want to do things that would make him proud.”
Having a family is work. But it’s also a source of direction and meaning. I hope to be talking a lot more about family in this blog over the next few months. All I have to do is what my patient demands of me: to write something every now and then!
Thursday, January 15, 2009
You and your marital happiness
Occasionally my clients, or someone from the media, will be surprised statistic that shows 2/3 to ¾ of all separations and divorces are precipitated by women. Admittedly, I was surprised upon first finding this stat about a decade ago, when I began researching relationships and marriage. But it’s a statistic that makes sense. Women are more likely to describe feeling unhappy in a relationship; they are more likely to lodge complaints that the marriage isn’t meeting their needs. One woman, Liz, recently asked why men aren’t complaining about unhappy marriages: “Do they just not notice?”
Let me be clear that many of the women’s complaints about marriage are valid. The overly attentive guy who doted on her night and day and sent her texts every half hour (thus lovingly running up her cell phone bill)…the wildly enthusiastic dude who wanted to be with her every weekend and take her to exotic lands during vacation days…becomes the husband who doesn’t pick up the phone all day when he’s at work because he’s “too busy,” or doesn’t buy her flowers because “they’re a waste of money.” Women want to feel special. When husband cut back on courting their wives, the guys still know the love is there--but their wives don’t see it. So they become discontent. It’s because of the need to keep the courtship alive that I write “The Secrets of Happily Married Men.” If men would read it, there would be a lot fewer unhappy wives, and fewer unhappy marriages.
When couples stop paying attention to the needs of the other, the man also feels it. To answer Liz’s inquiry: Men DO notice when their wives have pulled back; they DO notice when the relationship isn’t going well; they DO feel it when their needs aren’t being met. Most men can compartmentalize this; they say to themselves that their relationship is snagged right now, and they continue to plod along hoping it will improve in the future. Sometimes they hang in there because happiness isn’t their prime directive. Sometimes they hang in there because their complacency supplants the need to be happy. Sometimes they just figure things will get better—and they either buy a book, see a counselor or just tough it out.
The biggest risk for the unhappily married man is when another woman treats him with more admiration and respect than his wife does. The appeal of a woman who treats a guy like he’s brilliant and important is almost irresistible. When a marriage sours, there’s a much greater likelihood that the man will leave his wife if there is a woman whom a man thinks he can go to after the breakup. He won’t tell himself he’s leaving Woman A for Woman B, but deep down that’s exactly what’s going on.
In the post-metrosexual era, though, it doesn’t take another woman to pull a man out of an unhappy marriage. I’ve been seeing more and more men in my practice who don’t have a woman in the wings. They don’t have anywhere else to go, and they are deeply bonded to their children. But, like the wife who feels he’s changed for the worse, these husband see changes in their relationship as stirring real emotions inside them. These men are longing for more than a place to stay at night, they are seeking love, and the expression of love, through a relationship with their wives. Many of these men have witnessed fathers who either lived through unhappy marriages, or have died an early death. And they ask themselves, “Is this all there is?”
There is a growing trend for men to walk away from marriage even when there’s not another woman in the wings.
Now, you’ve heard me say that men have got to step up to the plate when their wives are unhappy. But, the same is true of wives. Yes, marriage is a mutual relationship, but, whether you are a man or a woman reading this you need to understand that that mutuality begins with YOU. If you find ways to make relationship an extraordinary event for your spouse today and every day, then you’ll be well on your way to nailing down a marriage that will last you the rest of your life.
Let me be clear that many of the women’s complaints about marriage are valid. The overly attentive guy who doted on her night and day and sent her texts every half hour (thus lovingly running up her cell phone bill)…the wildly enthusiastic dude who wanted to be with her every weekend and take her to exotic lands during vacation days…becomes the husband who doesn’t pick up the phone all day when he’s at work because he’s “too busy,” or doesn’t buy her flowers because “they’re a waste of money.” Women want to feel special. When husband cut back on courting their wives, the guys still know the love is there--but their wives don’t see it. So they become discontent. It’s because of the need to keep the courtship alive that I write “The Secrets of Happily Married Men.” If men would read it, there would be a lot fewer unhappy wives, and fewer unhappy marriages.
When couples stop paying attention to the needs of the other, the man also feels it. To answer Liz’s inquiry: Men DO notice when their wives have pulled back; they DO notice when the relationship isn’t going well; they DO feel it when their needs aren’t being met. Most men can compartmentalize this; they say to themselves that their relationship is snagged right now, and they continue to plod along hoping it will improve in the future. Sometimes they hang in there because happiness isn’t their prime directive. Sometimes they hang in there because their complacency supplants the need to be happy. Sometimes they just figure things will get better—and they either buy a book, see a counselor or just tough it out.
The biggest risk for the unhappily married man is when another woman treats him with more admiration and respect than his wife does. The appeal of a woman who treats a guy like he’s brilliant and important is almost irresistible. When a marriage sours, there’s a much greater likelihood that the man will leave his wife if there is a woman whom a man thinks he can go to after the breakup. He won’t tell himself he’s leaving Woman A for Woman B, but deep down that’s exactly what’s going on.
In the post-metrosexual era, though, it doesn’t take another woman to pull a man out of an unhappy marriage. I’ve been seeing more and more men in my practice who don’t have a woman in the wings. They don’t have anywhere else to go, and they are deeply bonded to their children. But, like the wife who feels he’s changed for the worse, these husband see changes in their relationship as stirring real emotions inside them. These men are longing for more than a place to stay at night, they are seeking love, and the expression of love, through a relationship with their wives. Many of these men have witnessed fathers who either lived through unhappy marriages, or have died an early death. And they ask themselves, “Is this all there is?”
There is a growing trend for men to walk away from marriage even when there’s not another woman in the wings.
Now, you’ve heard me say that men have got to step up to the plate when their wives are unhappy. But, the same is true of wives. Yes, marriage is a mutual relationship, but, whether you are a man or a woman reading this you need to understand that that mutuality begins with YOU. If you find ways to make relationship an extraordinary event for your spouse today and every day, then you’ll be well on your way to nailing down a marriage that will last you the rest of your life.
Sunday, December 7, 2008
Scott's Forum and Discussion Board
I continue to manage my DrScott.com forum (Discussion group) (http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpBB2/) and am inspired by the men and women who are trying so intently to improve their relationships.
Here’re the words of Mike, one of the members of the forum:
“Well her two best friends are telling her that she should leave me and apparently have for several years.
“I have told her and tried to show my changes and she has told me to stop and back off because she won't change her mind or heart. I'm wasting my time pinning my hopes on a small sliver of hope she will see me as husband material again.
“As far as a boyfriend goes, she turned to my best friend for emotional support when I was vacant and unaware of how badly I was treating her. Then I found some conversations that were very inappropriate for a married woman to have with a single guy, they both say nothing has ever happened, but some times their closeness seems more.
“I have had some time to think about a few things since my last post and I have come to a few conclusions. I will continue to improve whether she wants it or not. She has said this is her time to get what she wants and I am willing to support her in everything she wants except this divorce. She is not willing to make many changes to save our marriage.
“Right now she can not support herself and either of the kids that would want to stay with her so she has asked me to stay; I am going to move past this divorce idea and treat the situation now as we are still married and continue to improve and when she is ready to stand on her own then cross that bridge when we get there.”
Relationships are so difficult, and with the high expectations of husbands and wives for a happy, meaningful, enriching, gratifying relationship, it’s a wonder that, once the honeymoon is over, any of us can ever be happy in marriage.
That’s why I emphasize the importance of putting your marriage first, and putting a premium on the happiness of your spouse. Yeah, divorce is an option when the relationship gets tough. And selling your kids to an adoption agency is an option when money gets tight…but I don’t see many people doing it! But too many people look to divorce rather than repair when they’re not getting what they want out of marriage.
Marriages can be great. And it begins with you. Check out the forum, and share your thoughts on the slings and cupid's arrows of your relationship.
Here’re the words of Mike, one of the members of the forum:
“Well her two best friends are telling her that she should leave me and apparently have for several years.
“I have told her and tried to show my changes and she has told me to stop and back off because she won't change her mind or heart. I'm wasting my time pinning my hopes on a small sliver of hope she will see me as husband material again.
“As far as a boyfriend goes, she turned to my best friend for emotional support when I was vacant and unaware of how badly I was treating her. Then I found some conversations that were very inappropriate for a married woman to have with a single guy, they both say nothing has ever happened, but some times their closeness seems more.
“I have had some time to think about a few things since my last post and I have come to a few conclusions. I will continue to improve whether she wants it or not. She has said this is her time to get what she wants and I am willing to support her in everything she wants except this divorce. She is not willing to make many changes to save our marriage.
“Right now she can not support herself and either of the kids that would want to stay with her so she has asked me to stay; I am going to move past this divorce idea and treat the situation now as we are still married and continue to improve and when she is ready to stand on her own then cross that bridge when we get there.”
Relationships are so difficult, and with the high expectations of husbands and wives for a happy, meaningful, enriching, gratifying relationship, it’s a wonder that, once the honeymoon is over, any of us can ever be happy in marriage.
That’s why I emphasize the importance of putting your marriage first, and putting a premium on the happiness of your spouse. Yeah, divorce is an option when the relationship gets tough. And selling your kids to an adoption agency is an option when money gets tight…but I don’t see many people doing it! But too many people look to divorce rather than repair when they’re not getting what they want out of marriage.
Marriages can be great. And it begins with you. Check out the forum, and share your thoughts on the slings and cupid's arrows of your relationship.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
What a Difference Two Parents Make
In just two days, I’m off to a conference at the University of Virginia to explore issues of parenting in American Culture. I’ve been invited to present a paper about whether there are gender specific qualities that fathers and mothers give to their children. “That’s a no brainer,” you say, of course children benefit from exposure to male and female qualities. But many, many children grow up without their fathers (and some without their mothers) through either separation, divorce, or the decision of parents to never marry. And I’ve concluded that children are missing out.
One of the most compelling findings of my research is that often gender differences in parenting actually lead to an increase in friction in the household. In other words, while the child often benefits from two kinds of play, two kinds of education and two kinds of attitudes toward work, cleanliness and finances, each parent is likely to say that there’s only one “best” approach to these life tasks—“my way!” For instance, the mother who believes that little Timmy must pick up all his toys before moving to another activity may be upset when, under his father’s care, Timmy leaves all his toys in the living room while playing with his drum set in the bedroom. It’s this schism between beliefs on how to raise children that leads to increased marital conflict when parents have children.
Young couples with children must learn that each partner is necessary for the education of a child as a whole, then parents can learn to be open to the influence of the other, rather than condemn the partner’s approach as being wrong. Let me be clear, some rules must be discussed, and parents should have a unified front on key issues. But discovering and enacting such rules requires a dialogue between parents, and the ability to drop the belief that there’s only one right way to do things. Like other conflict points (such as sex, housework, in-laws and money) resolving disagreements about raising children isn’t easy, but finding a way to hear each other, and work out a mutual understanding will not only help your child, but will help your marriage as well.
One of the most compelling findings of my research is that often gender differences in parenting actually lead to an increase in friction in the household. In other words, while the child often benefits from two kinds of play, two kinds of education and two kinds of attitudes toward work, cleanliness and finances, each parent is likely to say that there’s only one “best” approach to these life tasks—“my way!” For instance, the mother who believes that little Timmy must pick up all his toys before moving to another activity may be upset when, under his father’s care, Timmy leaves all his toys in the living room while playing with his drum set in the bedroom. It’s this schism between beliefs on how to raise children that leads to increased marital conflict when parents have children.
Young couples with children must learn that each partner is necessary for the education of a child as a whole, then parents can learn to be open to the influence of the other, rather than condemn the partner’s approach as being wrong. Let me be clear, some rules must be discussed, and parents should have a unified front on key issues. But discovering and enacting such rules requires a dialogue between parents, and the ability to drop the belief that there’s only one right way to do things. Like other conflict points (such as sex, housework, in-laws and money) resolving disagreements about raising children isn’t easy, but finding a way to hear each other, and work out a mutual understanding will not only help your child, but will help your marriage as well.
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