It’s unseasonably warm in Rhode Island today. But that’s the joy of living in New England, it’s always unseasonably something! Now, after a little yard work, I decided to write an updated newsletter. Later, the Patriot’s game.
Last week I completed a seminar at Harvard’s “Treating Couples” conference, and it was great fun! Many in the audience were appreciative of the unique status of marriage, and how hard I fight to help marriages last. One of my favorite studies, which I cited during my talk, was published a decade ago by Linda Waite and colleagues. In the study she examines what happens during a five-year period to spouses who feel moderately or very unhappy with marriage. Sadly, about 23 percent of the couples split up. But amazingly, at the end of the study more than 80 percent of people who were having a rotten time in marriage report they are now very happy or extremely happy with wedded life. That’s pretty impressive.
And that makes sense. People want marriage to be like dating, only better. I get that. I was there. Of course, people ought to treat their spouses with the attention and consideration that they did when dating. But dating, even living together, is different than being married. Once betrothed, everything you do you do for both. Whether you buy a lottery ticket instead of a gallon of milk or make a two-hour phone call to your sister in the middle of supper your actions are not simply your own. And everyone has to live with the consequences together. It’s daunting. Moreover what you think is in the family’s best interest isn’t what you partner thinks is. All well and good. But here’s the key to relationships falling apart, even though you have a different belief about what’s best for the family, each of you is SURE that you--not your mate-- are right. And that’s where marriage has to learn to adapt or die.
Take the shower curtain in our bathroom. Our home is on the market, so when potential sellers come through, I think it’s best to leave the curtain open to expose our unique architect-designed tiled shower area. My wife thinks that homes show better if people don’t have to stare into the shower during a tour. Obviously, there’s no compromise, since leaving a curtain half open endorses no one’s belief system. How to solve this? If I should happen to find an interview with some HGTV expert that says “keep them open,” I might get her to change her mind. However, the following week, she’s just as likely to find an expert to say, “keep them closed,” and she’ll try to get me to change my mind. Or maybe I’m able to convince her and she changes her mind on her own. But lets say she never sees the errors of her ways, or let’s say she’s never able to convince me to see the errors of mine. Here’s what happens: since she prepares the house before a showing, she does it the way she thinks it should get done. And, to all this, I remind myself that it’s unlikely a person will tour our home and say to themselves, “I would have loved to have bought that home, but I just wasn’t impressed with how the shower was displayed.”
So the solution isn’t in eliminating the source of disagreement, it’s in having the right attitude toward the things you can’t resolve. Life goes on; will your marriage?
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Children Learn By Observing Behavior - What Are You Teaching Them?
I'm quoted in this article.
Even when you don't say a word, you're teaching your grandchildren lessons. Studies show that children learn how to live in the world by observing behavior. What are you teaching them?
Monday, October 12, 2009
Parents work to balance youth sports, life - pressofAtlanticCity.com : Today's Top Headlines
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
The Good Wife engages in Domestic Violence
Like many in the marriage community, I am eager to see what becomes of the fictional characters who suffer from infidelity portrayed in TV series "The Good Wife." But I must comment on the advertisements for the show, and fashion in which the show is described in the advanced publicity.
When the female character portrayed by Julianna Margulies finds out her husband is having an affair during a news conference, she "'snap[s] out of it' and slap[s] him hard," do you think viewers are likely to respond with "You go girl!"? Here's the bottom line: Slapping your partner across the face is a form of physical violence. Don't believe me? Imagine watching a commercial of a man who found out his wife was having an affair-- and he responds by slapping HER hard across the face! There would be no sympathy (nor should there be) for that man. As marriage educators, we should in no way accept such violence--man on woman or woman on man--as the natural course of marital problems or simply entertainment. And we should speak out when domestic violence is glorified on TV!
When the female character portrayed by Julianna Margulies finds out her husband is having an affair during a news conference, she "'snap[s] out of it' and slap[s] him hard," do you think viewers are likely to respond with "You go girl!"? Here's the bottom line: Slapping your partner across the face is a form of physical violence. Don't believe me? Imagine watching a commercial of a man who found out his wife was having an affair-- and he responds by slapping HER hard across the face! There would be no sympathy (nor should there be) for that man. As marriage educators, we should in no way accept such violence--man on woman or woman on man--as the natural course of marital problems or simply entertainment. And we should speak out when domestic violence is glorified on TV!
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Happiness in Hawaii
I was playing tennis with a friend, who was very excited after his return from a 2-week family trip to Hawaii. He spoke about the beautiful sunsets, the spectacular clean beaches, the natural settings and the kind people.
But what he remembered most was “hearts.”
Every night, Dan and his family took out a deck of cards, and committed at least a half-hour to a continuous game of hearts. Maybe Dan liked it because, after 2 weeks of playing, his score was the lowest (that’s the objective of hearts). But I suspect that it was something more. Despite the nice rental condos, the extravagant nightly luaus and the breathtaking scenery, it was the time that he spent connecting with his family that Dan looks to as a key to having a great experience with his clan.
With the barrage of media messages saying that happiness can be bought by upgrades in cell phones or the purchase of a new car, it’s instructive to see how simple activities can bond people together more strongly. And it doesn’t help that it was in Hawaii!
But what he remembered most was “hearts.”
Every night, Dan and his family took out a deck of cards, and committed at least a half-hour to a continuous game of hearts. Maybe Dan liked it because, after 2 weeks of playing, his score was the lowest (that’s the objective of hearts). But I suspect that it was something more. Despite the nice rental condos, the extravagant nightly luaus and the breathtaking scenery, it was the time that he spent connecting with his family that Dan looks to as a key to having a great experience with his clan.
With the barrage of media messages saying that happiness can be bought by upgrades in cell phones or the purchase of a new car, it’s instructive to see how simple activities can bond people together more strongly. And it doesn’t help that it was in Hawaii!
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Coming to Ohio
A happy marriage could be
one seminar away
By Kim Margolis, Staff Writer
7:59 PM Friday, August 14, 2009
Want a happy marriage? Attending a meeting by a nationally-known relationship expert could be a start.
Dr. Scott Haltzman is the author of “The Secrets of Happily Married Men, The Secrets of Happily Married Women and The Secrets of Happy Families.”
Marriage Works! Ohio is bringing him to Dayton on Saturday, Sept. 12, for a discussion on “Happily Married, Fact or Fiction.” The event will be held from 6:30 to 9 p.m.
Shauntay Alexander, event planner for Marriage! Works, said Haltzman will talk about helping couples cope with the reality of marriage instead of dwelling on the expectations.
“A lot of times reality doesn’t meet what those expectations were and he’ll talk about how to move past that and learn to be happy and to have a healthy relationship,” Alexander said.
The discussion will also aim to dispel stereotypes that women look for a husband who will do everything for them and husbands just look for sex.
The meeting is for married couples of all ages at any point in their marriage. And it’s for people who aren’t yet married.
“When you are dating, you do have those preconceived ideas,” she said. “It’s perfect or even more beneficial for them to come.”
Tickets are $15 and include a copy of “The Secrets of Happily Married Men” and a dessert buffet, in case you’re having trouble getting your partner to attend.
Scott is a contributor to Redbook magazine and also has a Web site, DrScott.com, which offers relationship advice.
Marriage Works! Ohio is a Dayton-based organization that works to help build healthy families. It is funded through federal agencies.
Find this article at:
http://www.daytondailynews.com/lifestyle/a-happy-marriage-could-be-one-seminar-away-249924.htm
By Kim Margolis, Staff Writer
7:59 PM Friday, August 14, 2009
Want a happy marriage? Attending a meeting by a nationally-known relationship expert could be a start.
Dr. Scott Haltzman is the author of “The Secrets of Happily Married Men, The Secrets of Happily Married Women and The Secrets of Happy Families.”
Marriage Works! Ohio is bringing him to Dayton on Saturday, Sept. 12, for a discussion on “Happily Married, Fact or Fiction.” The event will be held from 6:30 to 9 p.m.
Shauntay Alexander, event planner for Marriage! Works, said Haltzman will talk about helping couples cope with the reality of marriage instead of dwelling on the expectations.
“A lot of times reality doesn’t meet what those expectations were and he’ll talk about how to move past that and learn to be happy and to have a healthy relationship,” Alexander said.
The discussion will also aim to dispel stereotypes that women look for a husband who will do everything for them and husbands just look for sex.
The meeting is for married couples of all ages at any point in their marriage. And it’s for people who aren’t yet married.
“When you are dating, you do have those preconceived ideas,” she said. “It’s perfect or even more beneficial for them to come.”
Tickets are $15 and include a copy of “The Secrets of Happily Married Men” and a dessert buffet, in case you’re having trouble getting your partner to attend.
Scott is a contributor to Redbook magazine and also has a Web site, DrScott.com, which offers relationship advice.
Marriage Works! Ohio is a Dayton-based organization that works to help build healthy families. It is funded through federal agencies.
Find this article at:
http://www.daytondailynews.com/lifestyle/a-happy-marriage-could-be-one-seminar-away-249924.htm
Sunday, July 19, 2009
The gift of Zucchini
The gardens are green and prolific. One of the things I enjoy most about this time of the year is how my raspberry bushes, Zucchini plants and bean vines begin to produce more that my family or I can eat. That means it’s time to share with my neighbors.
I’ll be truthful, I’m not the world’s best at giving gifts. I mean to. I think, “I really ought to get a gift for my co-workers for their showers, or for my mailman for his birthday.” I do generally remember my wife, and, truth be told, I rely on my wife to get most (read: all) of the gifts for my children. But, no, when it comes to packing things into neat little boxes and slapping paper and a ribbon around them, I’m just downright rotten.
But my vegetable garden permits me to connect with my friends and community in ways that make gift giving a thing of ease. I bubble over with enthusiasm when I find a giant zucchini (where had it been hiding yesterday when I picked the other two?!) and ask myself which of my neighbors gets it. I like passing a few cucumbers over the fence to my neighbor. In just a few weeks, I’m sure that I’ll be bringing tomatoes door-to-door.
In my newest book, "The Secrets of Happy Families," I write that one of the fundamental factors contributing to a happy and healthy family is developing a close sense of community with your neighbors, especially if you live a distance from your family of origin. Because Susan and I are far enough away from our parents and siblings, we try to include those around us in our circle of “surrogate family.” And sharing the fruits of my garden is one way of expressing my appreciation to those neighbors who unknowingly volunteered for their roles in our lives. Maybe I’ll tie a ribbon on a zucchini the next time I give one away…
I’ll be truthful, I’m not the world’s best at giving gifts. I mean to. I think, “I really ought to get a gift for my co-workers for their showers, or for my mailman for his birthday.” I do generally remember my wife, and, truth be told, I rely on my wife to get most (read: all) of the gifts for my children. But, no, when it comes to packing things into neat little boxes and slapping paper and a ribbon around them, I’m just downright rotten.
But my vegetable garden permits me to connect with my friends and community in ways that make gift giving a thing of ease. I bubble over with enthusiasm when I find a giant zucchini (where had it been hiding yesterday when I picked the other two?!) and ask myself which of my neighbors gets it. I like passing a few cucumbers over the fence to my neighbor. In just a few weeks, I’m sure that I’ll be bringing tomatoes door-to-door.
In my newest book, "The Secrets of Happy Families," I write that one of the fundamental factors contributing to a happy and healthy family is developing a close sense of community with your neighbors, especially if you live a distance from your family of origin. Because Susan and I are far enough away from our parents and siblings, we try to include those around us in our circle of “surrogate family.” And sharing the fruits of my garden is one way of expressing my appreciation to those neighbors who unknowingly volunteered for their roles in our lives. Maybe I’ll tie a ribbon on a zucchini the next time I give one away…
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