Boys, Girls and Parents: Q & A

What’s the long term impact on boys of being in an environment where their natural way of doing things is often seen as the “wrong” way?

Research shows that boys tend to have their brains develop differently than girls, and it’s not uncommon for boys to be more competitive, action oriented and even aggressive when they interact with their environment. Often, social norms we construct around boys values things like cooperative (rather than competitive) play, and quiet, introspective work rather than rowdy and chaotic exploration of the world around. When boys consistently get the message that the way they do things is wrong, it promotes a feeling of frustration in boys. It also causes some identify confusion. By correctly being told that a boys way of doing things is normal, but must be channeled in more acceptable ways, we help boys become more mature and responsible. If, instead, as many parents and teachers do, tell boys that they are abnormal in their mode of self expression, than it causes boys to feel like they cannot own who they are. They feel forced to be someone different, and often cannot reconcile the “ideal” boy with the “real” boy. When a boy can’t properly learn how to channel these masculine traits, he may be more prone to poor relationships with his peers, and with women in general.

-What can women (mothers, teachers) do to work with boys natures while still maintaining an environment where boys are responsible?

Determine how your boy functions, how he solves problems, how he likes to play, and how he sees the world. Than acknowledge the validity of his feelings, and provide an environment where he can have free unstructured play so he can express his style. Harming others is not acceptable, of course, so it’s reasonable to set limits, even at times to say that things are “wrong.” Think of the following scenario—if your child breaks down in tears, you would most likely stop and ask, “What’s wrong,” then try to help your child feel better, solve the problem, or at least provide support. What parents sometimes don’t appreciate is that anger or aggression may be to a boy what tears may be for a girl; a parent or teacher should respond the same way, and not assume that the child is being bad.
Letting a boy be a boy is a great way to teach responsibility and limits; it’s just important to validate, not criticize a boy for his behavior.

-Should we be communicating with boys differently? If so, how?

Boys tend to be more action oriented, and often have difficulty sitting down motionless and maintaining eye contact. Sometimes it helps to be engaged in mutual “side by side” activity when having a talk with a boy. When you address boys, don’t treat the discussion like a conversation; treat it more like a billboard. In other words, get your point out front, then make sure he understands. Don’t elaborate or explain unless he asks. Boys are more distractible than girls, so make sure that he gets your point. Because boys tend to be more competitive, it helps if there are challenges or rewards involved in a request, it engages his imagination more. Also, be direct about what you want. For instance, starting a request with “I bet you can’t take out 2 cans of garbage in less than 2 minutes,” may be met with more success than saying “I’m upset that you never take out the garbage,” which, you’ll notice, doesn’t actually include an appeal to do anything!

Issues in family happiness (Part II)

What are the eight strategies to fuel connection and contentment?

Stick Together—Know your core values and work together to set a course for happiness that includes everyone in the home.
Commit and Communicate—Children feel more secure when they know that parents are committed to stay together. Using good communication seals the deal!
Lean—You don't have to do it all on your own. Reaching out to others makes you and your family sturdier and steadier.
Teach to and Learn from Children—Parenting takes patience, but while you're teaching your children, they're teaching you!
Blend—Grouping and regrouping with step-, adopted, and foster families isn't always smooth, but the process can enrich everyone involved.
Handle Conflict—Knowing how to master conflict can lead to a more cohesive family.
Bounce—Healthy families know how to rebound from adversity and grow stronger in the process.
Breathe—Making time for fun, adventure, and rituals sets the stage for a loving family over a lifetime.



What's the key tool to use to put your principles into practice? Can anyone do it?

It may be more difficult than for some people than others to put these principles into practice because, in fact, some people may not have had a good model for their own childhood. My belief is that it comes more naturally when you yourself have grown up and nurturing environment. Part of the point of this book is to help foster that kind of environment for every child in every home. It takes patience, and the ability to delay gratification, as well as a necessity to make some compromises. Moreover, it's simply not that easy to raise a child, and having children will frequently increase the amount of tension between two adults. Growing your family in the direction of a contented and connected clan does take work, but over the long run the quality of your life and the quality of your children's lives will improve.

What's the key to handling conflict and handling every day crisis?

Times of conflict are often about power struggles, with each party struggling to be the one whose voice is heard loudest. The most important element to solving conflict is the ability to listen to the other party. Just by the act of listening you are reducing that person’s need to fight to make his or her feelings known. When he or she feels heard, he or she becomes much more receptive to your point of view. The ability to listen, reflect back to the person in a non-judgment way, show willingness to learn new information, and treating the person whom you’re interacting respectfully all lead to less conflict and a better sense of shared purpose.

Best piece of advice you can offer parents...

You're in charge!

Issues in family happiness (Part I)

What is happening with families today and how is the nature of families is changing?
One of the changes of greatest impact that is happening in our society and in families today has to do with the migration of families away from their communities of origin, and the sense of estrangement and alienation that people are having from others within new communities.

What is the ultimate secret to a happy successful family? Why is this so important?The ultimate secret to a happy and successful family is the capacity to understand the core values that define that family, and live according to those values and beliefs. Consider the saying "ask yourself not: ‘Am I doing things right’ but ‘am I do in the right thing.’” Knowing the general direction that you are going, and how that integrates with your relationship with the family and the community that you live in, is essential to maintaining balance and your life.

Why is this information important at this time of uncertainty?
We are flooded by the media and inundated by a vast information overload, all of which asks us to constantly shift and change our behaviors in order to achieve happiness. But happiness doesn't come from having more channels on your cable television or more layers on your burrito. It comes from behaving in a way that honors your real self, and gives you a sense of purpose in the community.

How does financial, personal stress impact families, especially kids?
Difficult financial times and personal stress can be extremely difficult for families, by my study suggests that, rather than destroy families and tear them apart, such tumultuous times can actually lead to an improvement in family cohesion, because, at the very least, it removes many of the artificial "fillers" that distract you from your core values,

What are the benefits of a happy family?
Happy families benefit by feeling the support of their family members. They have a better sense of the bigger picture, and are less likely to be selfish. During difficult financial times they're more likely to have the support of other family members who are not hard hit by bad economic times. There able to experience more joy by being together, and better able to deal with conflict outside of the family because of their ability to deal with it inside the family.

What if one of you wants a baby? Interview

Great Post on That's Fit

Maybe he's collecting booties and you're dreaming about backpacking through South America. Or maybe you're looking enviably into every stroller you pass while he's window shopping for big-screen TVs. Should you start poking holes in your diaphragm or just call it quits? What happens when one partner wants kids and the other doesn't? We asked Dr. Scott Haltzman, a psychiatrist and the author of The Secrets of Happy Families, to discuss some of the issues involved and offer some tips on what you can do.

Q: If you want a baby and your partner doesn't, where can you start? Are those reconcilable positions?

A: It depends on how you define "partner." If your current partner doesn't want to have kids, but it's not the partner you plan on having for life, that can work really well. One might even argue that it's the best thing. But if it's a life partner with whom you are working together to form plans about the future, then it is a pivotal issue. Not everybody that wants to have a child ends up having a child. Sometimes it's just because of someone's social situation or it's due to infertility -- but the inability to have a child doesn't keep couples from connecting even if they want a child. But when one person wants a child and the other person doesn't, it becomes a built-up resentment because one person feels like their partner is preventing them from accomplishing a life dream, or the other partner feels like they're being forced into something that goes against their wishes.

Q: Can you bring someone around to your point of view, or is it dangerous to even try?

A: Usually in these situations, the person who ends up coming around is the one who doesn't want a child. People don't usually have a dream of having no children; it's a lifestyle choice. Often, they'll be able to say that it was a positive thing and they were glad that they did it. Research shows us that people are happier when they do something and then live with the consequences versus when they don't do something and then imagine all of the what ifs? If someone acquiesces and agrees not to have a child, they'll always wonder about the what ifs.

Q: If somebody is perfect for you in every way except this one, should you view this as a deal breaker?

A: It's not necessarily a deal breaker, but it's definitely a discussion maker. It needs to be explored a little bit deeper. The discussion usually has to be framed as "Why do you not want to have a child?" because how far can you go with "Why do you want to have a child?" So much of that stuff is just a biological imperative. If you listen to the reasons and it seems like they're temporal - like, I don't have a job or I don't feel stable enough or good enough about who I am as a person - then you might be able to look at it as a phase they're at in this stage of life and it doesn't mean they'll never want to have kids. But if someone says that it's not a change they're willing to make ever, then it absolutely is a deal breaker.

Q: Is this something you should discuss fairly early in a relationship?

A: I wouldn't say very early -- it's definitely uncool to do it on the first date. But the topic should come up at some point -- like, "I notice that you're really good with your nephew; do you ever think of having children of your own?"

Q: Is it more common that women want children and men resist?

A: Assuming they're a young couple that's trying to decide their future together, it's usually men who are reluctant to have children. One of the reasons might be that men tend to view life as more of a struggle. Two, men tend to be drawn more to recreational behaviours that don't involve children and they recognize that having a child will pull them away from the things they do for enjoyment. And third, men recognize that bringing a child into the fold will mean that they're going to have less of their wife's attention. A very small percentage of men are also wary of some of the changes pregnancy can bring in a woman's body.

Once couples decide to marry, they've already made the decision to be together. The challenge at that point isn't deciding that you're not compatible; the challenge is deciding how you can live together, care for each other and be by each other's side even if your partner isn't able to make all of your dreams come true.

Newlywed Problems

Common Newlywed Problems, and how to fix them.

Defining roles: prior to marriage they may each assume that the other will take certain roles (breadwinner, bill payer, housecleaner, nurse, mechanic, etc.) but probably they either didn't discuss or they were being over idealistic.
Fix: Sit down to review household roles, negotiate, focus first how YOU can help, not on how your partner is letting you down!

Money: If families don't define their core values, they'll end up spending money on just about anything they want at the moment. Then, they'll blame the spouse for the lack of dough to pay the bills.
Solution: define your values; what matters in the house? Vacations, entertainment, spirituality, etc. Once you do that, you can better know how to budget your money.

New child in house: Most couples think this will draw them closer together, but often it becomes a source of friction because a baby is like a Rorschach test--each parent think he/she knows what's best for him. Usually the mother's anxiety will guide the level at which the husband is "permitted" to participate to raise children.
Solution: Hold off on having children if possible at least until you get some of the other issues worked on. Assume your partner always has your child's best interest in mind, rather than assume your way is the best way. If disagreements arise, agree to talk about them when you are not fuming at each other, but at times when you can quietly discuss them

Random musings

Here are some random questions and answers from journalists.


• What is the common thread in men that are in happy marriages?

One scenario that predicts a happy marriage is one in which each member of the relationship adopt clear cut (and relatively society-sanctioned) gender roles. Men whose wives regularly praise them, cook for them, enjoy frequent sex with them, and don’t complain about household responsibilities do tend to be happy.
The problem is, that accounts for about 5% of all marriages!
The other men are ones who have found that their marriage requires work, but who have discovered—and mastered--the nature of that work. Men who are happiest are the ones whose wives are happiest. Most American women aren’t innately content with marriage unless husbands demonstrate emotional connectedness. Moreover, a husband must make it known to his wife that, above all, he has put her happiness, safety and security above all else.
The men who are happy in marriage are the ones who have successfully met the standards that their wives set for them; as a result, a wife becomes genuinely content in the relationship, and men start to flourish.

• Does success in the work place (for men) follow them in the successes in their marriages / relationships?

One of the compelling research questions I ponder is whether there is a correlation between work stability and marriage stability. It does seem to me that the kind of man that gets fired from job after job is likely not to be able to maintain a long lasting marriage, but I just don’t have the data to back that up.

• What is the most important aspect in determining a successful relationship?

Studies show a number of factors. The ability to “repair” after a fight is a very strong predictor. The willingness of a man to accept his wife’s influence also holds great sway in keeping relationships intact.
I have found that the most important element to a happy marriage is a genuine interest in making your partner happy as your primary goal in each interaction with him or her.

• How can you tell when a man is being honest and not just mimicking what they have been 'taught?'

That’s a trick question. If I teach you how to speak Spanish, you can’t then ask if it’s honest or mimicking—it’s a real effort. If you try to speak it, and every Spanish speaking person looks blankly at you, like you are not speaking any language THEY know, eventually you will give up. If you start to get feedback that you are doing a good job, or get encouragement for trying, you speak more and more. No, you’ll never be a native speaker, but you’ll get to be fluent.
When I teach men, they don’t intuitively think of doing some of the things I suggest, but their efforts to make a difference are genuine. For instance, a husband may send a card because he knows you love cards. That doesn’t mean he’s fake, even if he thinks it’s a waste of $2.95. None of us are truly selfless, but we can be taught (as the church tries to do) to work hard at it and try hard to make it part of our lives. When men try to put their women first, and their women respond positively and enthusiastically, men are more likely to keep up the efforts.

• How effective is your teaching? And, how long does the behavior last?

If men are genuinely devoted to trying to keep a marriage, my teaching is very effective. Marriage research demonstrates the tremendous influence that a man has over the sustenance of a marriage.

• Do you have to work at all successful relationships or do successful relationships already have that something that clicks that keeps it working... fresh... spontaneous?

I think it would take 2 extraordinary people to have a relationship that clicks, and keeps on clicking. I have treated a few couples who have claimed that was the case—until they ended up needing treatment with me! But I suppose there are a few who do have smooth sailing, and those are people I never meet in my office. I think it’s very rare. Even knowing what to do doesn’t seem to help; on more than one occasion I’ve dealt with world-class therapists married to each other, and unable to maintain a persistent mutually happy marriage.

• Do you believe in love at first sight?

Sure! But I don’t think that there’s an “I’ll be happily married forever to this person” at first sight. We are always so optimistic when we begin a relationship, but that gets tempered by experience and time. If we don’t learn—and apply--the skills that make marriage great, there won’t be much left after the glow of falling in love starts to fade.

Love the one you're with

My brother commented to me to today that he and his girlfriend were both settled in for a relaxing evening by the fire when each simultaneously made the same observation. Rather than engage in conversation with each other, they were each engaged in communicating with their blackberries! They laughed together as they realized how a pattern of “unwinding” looks so much more different than it did even a decade ago. Now they are always connected, always available, and always distracted from, in the words of the Buddhist philosopher, Be[ing] Here Now.

It’s easy to look back before the intrusion of instant messaging into our lives and think how much better things were before the digital age. But that may be an exaggeration. For instance, I recall that my father would feel irritated when my mother would pick up a book and disappear into its pages while they sat together in bed or in the den. And let’s not forget the old-fashioned telephone, which has consistently interrupted household family time since the Alexander Graham Bell’s first child hit puberty. And, of course, television has soured many an intimate moment—a recent Italian study showed that rates of marital sex dropped in half when there was a TV in the bedroom.

While TVs can be turned off and books can be put down, people don’t feel capable of shutting off their blackberries or cell phones because they are expected to be always available. People who know you can readily check email want you to be waiting by your inbox; they are expecting you to read, process, and respond at once.

Being chronically on call eats into your private life and robs you of the full enjoyment of the company of your loved ones. It invites strangers into your home day and night. It erodes the quality of the time spent together.

So next time you and someone you love are hanging out by the fire on a cold autumn night, turn off your blackberries!