I recently completed a series of lectures in Honolulu. One, entitled “Gender-specific Neurobiological, Behavioral and Social Influence on Human Development: Implications for Heterosexual Relationships and Couples' Therapy” was given to a packed room of psychiatrists (many of them were residents in training). In fact, after the talk began, several people who came late had left because there were no seats available. Bummer!
I told the audience before I spoke to them that I was a bit trepidatious about giving a talk on such a controversial subject in such a high-profile forum as the annual meeting of the American Psychiatric Association. Yet, surprisingly, I got very little resistance from those who attended the meeting on the idea that there may be some fundamental difference between how men’s and women’s brains function.
Heretofore, I had been a strong believer in gender differences, propelled by the research of Simon Baron-Cohen, who describes “The Essential Difference” between men’s brains (tending toward systemization) and women’s brains (tending toward empathy). In contrast, “Delusions of Gender” by Cordelia Fine, pulls no punches in pointing to the bias in research by people like Baron-Cohen. For instance, the highly touted research that baby boys prefer geometric objects, and baby girls prefer faces is based on an unblended study of children held at different angles by their mothers, not in some laboratory with special eye-movement detection data (as I had always assumed). Also, by simply identifing your sex before taking a preference exam, you’ll tend to give more gender-stereotyped profile of yourself. Interesting!
Yet my audience didn’t seem swayed by the controversy; it seemed obvious to them that there are qualitative differences between men and women. Maybe it is based on socialization or gender messages from others, one participant noted, but those environmental exposures (just like the environmental exposure in Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder) cause permanent brain changes, and we cannot ignore the reality that, by the time the average man or average woman is in the psychiatrist’s office, he or she will view the world differently because of their sex.
In the eyes of the psychiatrists who attended that meeting, that means that it’s OK to advise your male clients, “Don’t jump in and believe you have to fix things when your wife describes a problem,” and to tell your women clients, “Make sure you get to the point early when wanting help solving a problem, otherwise you’ll lose his attention and get frustrated that he isn’t listening!”
Showing posts with label Gender differences. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Gender differences. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Friday, June 18, 2010
Boys, Girls and Parents: Q & A
What’s the long term impact on boys of being in an environment where their natural way of doing things is often seen as the “wrong” way?
Research shows that boys tend to have their brains develop differently than girls, and it’s not uncommon for boys to be more competitive, action oriented and even aggressive when they interact with their environment. Often, social norms we construct around boys values things like cooperative (rather than competitive) play, and quiet, introspective work rather than rowdy and chaotic exploration of the world around. When boys consistently get the message that the way they do things is wrong, it promotes a feeling of frustration in boys. It also causes some identify confusion. By correctly being told that a boys way of doing things is normal, but must be channeled in more acceptable ways, we help boys become more mature and responsible. If, instead, as many parents and teachers do, tell boys that they are abnormal in their mode of self expression, than it causes boys to feel like they cannot own who they are. They feel forced to be someone different, and often cannot reconcile the “ideal” boy with the “real” boy. When a boy can’t properly learn how to channel these masculine traits, he may be more prone to poor relationships with his peers, and with women in general.
-What can women (mothers, teachers) do to work with boys natures while still maintaining an environment where boys are responsible?
Determine how your boy functions, how he solves problems, how he likes to play, and how he sees the world. Than acknowledge the validity of his feelings, and provide an environment where he can have free unstructured play so he can express his style. Harming others is not acceptable, of course, so it’s reasonable to set limits, even at times to say that things are “wrong.” Think of the following scenario—if your child breaks down in tears, you would most likely stop and ask, “What’s wrong,” then try to help your child feel better, solve the problem, or at least provide support. What parents sometimes don’t appreciate is that anger or aggression may be to a boy what tears may be for a girl; a parent or teacher should respond the same way, and not assume that the child is being bad.
Letting a boy be a boy is a great way to teach responsibility and limits; it’s just important to validate, not criticize a boy for his behavior.
-Should we be communicating with boys differently? If so, how?
Boys tend to be more action oriented, and often have difficulty sitting down motionless and maintaining eye contact. Sometimes it helps to be engaged in mutual “side by side” activity when having a talk with a boy. When you address boys, don’t treat the discussion like a conversation; treat it more like a billboard. In other words, get your point out front, then make sure he understands. Don’t elaborate or explain unless he asks. Boys are more distractible than girls, so make sure that he gets your point. Because boys tend to be more competitive, it helps if there are challenges or rewards involved in a request, it engages his imagination more. Also, be direct about what you want. For instance, starting a request with “I bet you can’t take out 2 cans of garbage in less than 2 minutes,” may be met with more success than saying “I’m upset that you never take out the garbage,” which, you’ll notice, doesn’t actually include an appeal to do anything!
Research shows that boys tend to have their brains develop differently than girls, and it’s not uncommon for boys to be more competitive, action oriented and even aggressive when they interact with their environment. Often, social norms we construct around boys values things like cooperative (rather than competitive) play, and quiet, introspective work rather than rowdy and chaotic exploration of the world around. When boys consistently get the message that the way they do things is wrong, it promotes a feeling of frustration in boys. It also causes some identify confusion. By correctly being told that a boys way of doing things is normal, but must be channeled in more acceptable ways, we help boys become more mature and responsible. If, instead, as many parents and teachers do, tell boys that they are abnormal in their mode of self expression, than it causes boys to feel like they cannot own who they are. They feel forced to be someone different, and often cannot reconcile the “ideal” boy with the “real” boy. When a boy can’t properly learn how to channel these masculine traits, he may be more prone to poor relationships with his peers, and with women in general.
-What can women (mothers, teachers) do to work with boys natures while still maintaining an environment where boys are responsible?
Determine how your boy functions, how he solves problems, how he likes to play, and how he sees the world. Than acknowledge the validity of his feelings, and provide an environment where he can have free unstructured play so he can express his style. Harming others is not acceptable, of course, so it’s reasonable to set limits, even at times to say that things are “wrong.” Think of the following scenario—if your child breaks down in tears, you would most likely stop and ask, “What’s wrong,” then try to help your child feel better, solve the problem, or at least provide support. What parents sometimes don’t appreciate is that anger or aggression may be to a boy what tears may be for a girl; a parent or teacher should respond the same way, and not assume that the child is being bad.
Letting a boy be a boy is a great way to teach responsibility and limits; it’s just important to validate, not criticize a boy for his behavior.
-Should we be communicating with boys differently? If so, how?
Boys tend to be more action oriented, and often have difficulty sitting down motionless and maintaining eye contact. Sometimes it helps to be engaged in mutual “side by side” activity when having a talk with a boy. When you address boys, don’t treat the discussion like a conversation; treat it more like a billboard. In other words, get your point out front, then make sure he understands. Don’t elaborate or explain unless he asks. Boys are more distractible than girls, so make sure that he gets your point. Because boys tend to be more competitive, it helps if there are challenges or rewards involved in a request, it engages his imagination more. Also, be direct about what you want. For instance, starting a request with “I bet you can’t take out 2 cans of garbage in less than 2 minutes,” may be met with more success than saying “I’m upset that you never take out the garbage,” which, you’ll notice, doesn’t actually include an appeal to do anything!
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