Hello, Mr. Blog. Long time no see.

I have this patient who tells me, “Look Haltzman, if you’re going to have a blog, you have to write something every now and then!” I know she’s right. There’s so much going on in my life, and my life as an author and speaker, that I sometimes feel that sitting down to write a meaningful paragraph or two feels too overwhelming. Ironic, isn’t it, in the face of my now having written three books.

My new focus is on families. I just today met with a man who’s father died at the age of 59, and who (along with his sister) now has inherited his dad’s home. He tells me that, in addition, he has the responsibility of taking care of his 76 year old grandmother. Does he feel burdened? Well, he tells me, “Sometimes I’m so tired at the end of the day, that I don’t have any energy for myself.” It may sound like a hardship, but his attitude toward it is anything but annoyance: “Doctor, I feel like I have a new attitude toward my responsibility and meaning in life. I’ve needed to absorb my father’s values and I carry part of him with me. I want to do things that would make him proud.”

Having a family is work. But it’s also a source of direction and meaning. I hope to be talking a lot more about family in this blog over the next few months. All I have to do is what my patient demands of me: to write something every now and then!

You and your marital happiness

Occasionally my clients, or someone from the media, will be surprised statistic that shows 2/3 to ¾ of all separations and divorces are precipitated by women. Admittedly, I was surprised upon first finding this stat about a decade ago, when I began researching relationships and marriage. But it’s a statistic that makes sense. Women are more likely to describe feeling unhappy in a relationship; they are more likely to lodge complaints that the marriage isn’t meeting their needs. One woman, Liz, recently asked why men aren’t complaining about unhappy marriages: “Do they just not notice?”
Let me be clear that many of the women’s complaints about marriage are valid. The overly attentive guy who doted on her night and day and sent her texts every half hour (thus lovingly running up her cell phone bill)…the wildly enthusiastic dude who wanted to be with her every weekend and take her to exotic lands during vacation days…becomes the husband who doesn’t pick up the phone all day when he’s at work because he’s “too busy,” or doesn’t buy her flowers because “they’re a waste of money.” Women want to feel special. When husband cut back on courting their wives, the guys still know the love is there--but their wives don’t see it. So they become discontent. It’s because of the need to keep the courtship alive that I write “The Secrets of Happily Married Men.” If men would read it, there would be a lot fewer unhappy wives, and fewer unhappy marriages.
When couples stop paying attention to the needs of the other, the man also feels it. To answer Liz’s inquiry: Men DO notice when their wives have pulled back; they DO notice when the relationship isn’t going well; they DO feel it when their needs aren’t being met. Most men can compartmentalize this; they say to themselves that their relationship is snagged right now, and they continue to plod along hoping it will improve in the future. Sometimes they hang in there because happiness isn’t their prime directive. Sometimes they hang in there because their complacency supplants the need to be happy. Sometimes they just figure things will get better—and they either buy a book, see a counselor or just tough it out.
The biggest risk for the unhappily married man is when another woman treats him with more admiration and respect than his wife does. The appeal of a woman who treats a guy like he’s brilliant and important is almost irresistible. When a marriage sours, there’s a much greater likelihood that the man will leave his wife if there is a woman whom a man thinks he can go to after the breakup. He won’t tell himself he’s leaving Woman A for Woman B, but deep down that’s exactly what’s going on.
In the post-metrosexual era, though, it doesn’t take another woman to pull a man out of an unhappy marriage. I’ve been seeing more and more men in my practice who don’t have a woman in the wings. They don’t have anywhere else to go, and they are deeply bonded to their children. But, like the wife who feels he’s changed for the worse, these husband see changes in their relationship as stirring real emotions inside them. These men are longing for more than a place to stay at night, they are seeking love, and the expression of love, through a relationship with their wives. Many of these men have witnessed fathers who either lived through unhappy marriages, or have died an early death. And they ask themselves, “Is this all there is?”

There is a growing trend for men to walk away from marriage even when there’s not another woman in the wings.

Now, you’ve heard me say that men have got to step up to the plate when their wives are unhappy. But, the same is true of wives. Yes, marriage is a mutual relationship, but, whether you are a man or a woman reading this you need to understand that that mutuality begins with YOU. If you find ways to make relationship an extraordinary event for your spouse today and every day, then you’ll be well on your way to nailing down a marriage that will last you the rest of your life.

Scott's Forum and Discussion Board

I continue to manage my DrScott.com forum (Discussion group) (http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpBB2/) and am inspired by the men and women who are trying so intently to improve their relationships.

Here’re the words of Mike, one of the members of the forum:

“Well her two best friends are telling her that she should leave me and apparently have for several years.

“I have told her and tried to show my changes and she has told me to stop and back off because she won't change her mind or heart. I'm wasting my time pinning my hopes on a small sliver of hope she will see me as husband material again.

“As far as a boyfriend goes, she turned to my best friend for emotional support when I was vacant and unaware of how badly I was treating her. Then I found some conversations that were very inappropriate for a married woman to have with a single guy, they both say nothing has ever happened, but some times their closeness seems more.

“I have had some time to think about a few things since my last post and I have come to a few conclusions. I will continue to improve whether she wants it or not. She has said this is her time to get what she wants and I am willing to support her in everything she wants except this divorce. She is not willing to make many changes to save our marriage.

“Right now she can not support herself and either of the kids that would want to stay with her so she has asked me to stay; I am going to move past this divorce idea and treat the situation now as we are still married and continue to improve and when she is ready to stand on her own then cross that bridge when we get there.”

Relationships are so difficult, and with the high expectations of husbands and wives for a happy, meaningful, enriching, gratifying relationship, it’s a wonder that, once the honeymoon is over, any of us can ever be happy in marriage.

That’s why I emphasize the importance of putting your marriage first, and putting a premium on the happiness of your spouse. Yeah, divorce is an option when the relationship gets tough. And selling your kids to an adoption agency is an option when money gets tight…but I don’t see many people doing it! But too many people look to divorce rather than repair when they’re not getting what they want out of marriage.

Marriages can be great. And it begins with you. Check out the forum, and share your thoughts on the slings and cupid's arrows of your relationship.

What a Difference Two Parents Make

In just two days, I’m off to a conference at the University of Virginia to explore issues of parenting in American Culture. I’ve been invited to present a paper about whether there are gender specific qualities that fathers and mothers give to their children. “That’s a no brainer,” you say, of course children benefit from exposure to male and female qualities. But many, many children grow up without their fathers (and some without their mothers) through either separation, divorce, or the decision of parents to never marry. And I’ve concluded that children are missing out.

One of the most compelling findings of my research is that often gender differences in parenting actually lead to an increase in friction in the household. In other words, while the child often benefits from two kinds of play, two kinds of education and two kinds of attitudes toward work, cleanliness and finances, each parent is likely to say that there’s only one “best” approach to these life tasks—“my way!” For instance, the mother who believes that little Timmy must pick up all his toys before moving to another activity may be upset when, under his father’s care, Timmy leaves all his toys in the living room while playing with his drum set in the bedroom. It’s this schism between beliefs on how to raise children that leads to increased marital conflict when parents have children.

Young couples with children must learn that each partner is necessary for the education of a child as a whole, then parents can learn to be open to the influence of the other, rather than condemn the partner’s approach as being wrong. Let me be clear, some rules must be discussed, and parents should have a unified front on key issues. But discovering and enacting such rules requires a dialogue between parents, and the ability to drop the belief that there’s only one right way to do things. Like other conflict points (such as sex, housework, in-laws and money) resolving disagreements about raising children isn’t easy, but finding a way to hear each other, and work out a mutual understanding will not only help your child, but will help your marriage as well.

Getting married and staying married

I met with a couple I've been seeing for a while. Discontent has started to brew over the relationship. She's looking for an emotional connection, a meaningful "we" experience that, try as he may, her husband is not able to provide for her. She sees herself as having asked...and he sees himself as having failed... to meet her needs. Oh, and it's not that he's just insecure, she's all but told him: "You've failed to meet my needs."


And it occurred to me, at that moment, something that hadn't presented itself to me in quite that way of saying it before: getting married is a selfish act, staying married is a selfless act.

When someone gets married, he or she chooses a person because that person will "make me happy." Men and women go through the mental list, how nice is this person I'm thinking of marrying, how attractive, how rich, how thoughtful, how stable? What's the likelihood that this person will meet my needs? If the candidate falls short ("He's sweet, but will never amount to much" or "She's really smart, but she's not able to let go and have fun...") then the marrier-to-be takes a pass, and moves on to the next potential life mate. Let's face it, someone looking for a lifetime partner doesn't seek the person with the qualifications of "Who will be happiest in the world for my having chosen him or her," without taking into account his or her own happiness.

So, an individual picks out someone who will complete his or her needs, and there's nothing wrong with that! Then, he or she buys (or accepts) a ring, and they're off to a lifetime of happiness.

Not!

If picking the person that would make people happy would turn out as expected, I wouldn't have to write books about marriages and relationships. You see, while each partner A was plotting away on how Partner B would contribute to his or her happiness, Partner B was making the very same assumptions about Partner A. Once married, they both sit back and wait for all the happiness to rain down on them like candies from a busted piñata.

When marital problems begin, it often is in the form of unhappiness. When the discontent becomes excessive, one, or both partners, may decide it's time to bail out.

Staying married is a selfless act

Most people who are in long-term marriages have been through times when they weren't both happy. (Although many of them can't recall the time--which also tells you something.) The ability to stay in a marriage that is not bringing happiness, and shifting focus on keeping the marriage together, requires postponing the need for happiness, for at least one of the individuals, and putting an effort into finding a way to re-cement the bonds of the relationship. Often that means that one spouse must find a way to make another spouse happy, even if it is at the expense of his or her own happiness. It’s an effort that takes more than a few hours or a few days; often it can take years of sacrifice and building mutual trust.

I’ve written about many of the ways to help make marriage better, so I don’t think anyone who’s read my books would be surprised to learn that healing a relationship doesn’t come from sitting around expecting your mate to make things better. The subtitle of The Secrets of Happily Married Men, is “Eight ways to win your wife’s heart for ever.” In other words, I write about how to make a wife happy. And one need only have seen my recent interviews on “The Morning Show with Mike and Juliet” to know that, as I write about in The Secrets of Happily Married Women, wives in stable marriages understand how their husbands operate, and, rather than try to change them, strive to improve the relationship by making accommodations for their manly ways.

All of these things involve being selfless; and often these qualities and actions don’t come naturally. But they're essential to a healthy marriage.

Yet Karma does play a role. For, while being selfless in marriage is a blessing—and often a necessity—when you do shift from the selfish act of marriage to the selfless act of staying married, your relationship gets stronger and richer. And guess what? You end up getting the happiness you were looking for all along.

Gender Wars Alive and Well

Suppose you read a book that suggested that a man be kind to his wife, ask her if he could bring anything home on the way from the office, notice her new haircut, or to sit through a few hours of “American Idol” (if that’s what she likes) in order to build a better relationship. That hypothetical book (surprisingly one exists—called “The Secrets of Happily Married Men”—written, not coincidentally, by me) would be universally recognized as a useful instrument in the toolbox of marriage.

But what if your read a book that asked a woman to greet her husband lovingly when he came home every night, express heartfelt appreciation for his little acts of service (like bringing in the groceries) and warm up some leftovers in the oven if he comes home late from work. That’s much of what I write about in “The Secrets of Happily Married Women,” and it caused a heck of a firestorm when I discussed it on the “Morning Show with Mike and Juliet.” If you look at the >100 responses to a clip of my show on the popular women’s issues site “Jezebel”, (http://jezebel.com/5037660/mike--juliet-guests-purport-to-have-the-secret-to-a-happy-marriage) you’ll see that I’m not too fondly loved by people who have seen the clip.

I can understand why. Out of context, it sounds like women must do a whole list of things to make marriage better. The context, of course, is that men also must do a whole list of things to make marriage better. From my point of view, the issue isn’t “who’s doing more,” for the other sex. It’s whether we can conceptualize marriage as a place where we learn about our partner, and strive to make him or her happy. If a man has a deluded idea that his working makes a genuine difference in the life of his family, then his wife can spend her life trying to take him down a few notches, or she can say, “Thank you, Dear, I appreciate it.” Do you really think her life will be happier if she spends her energy proving to her hubby that she works just as hard as he does? I don’t see how she loses out by expressing appreciation, or doing nice things. I have found that such an approach makes her husband is more likely to want to come home, and want to do things for her. It irks me that my suggestions of seeing what your partner needs and speaking his or her language is characterized as “manipulation,” by some psychotherapists, and that somehow this approach is the opposite of “trust and respect.”

So, go to the clip show on Jezebel and take a look at the comments. Then tell me what you think!

The Marriage Mechanic

A client once came to my office with news of another therapist who knew of my work. “Haltzman,” he asserted, “is nothing more than a marriage mechanic.” I guess that was supposed to be a put-down. And, to be sure, the client did want to know what to make of this therapists allegation.

I smiled inside. Heck, I smiled outside. I felt a sense of honor at this label. Picture, if you will, the image of someone taking their malfunctioning car to a mechanic—after a few brief diagnostics, the mechanic puts it on his lift, makes a few changes, warns you to remember in the future to rotate tires/use higher octane gas/check your coolant level and you are on your way. I like the idea of finding a guy or gal that can get my car back on the road.

The fact is there are ways to make relationships better, and these often include addressing the mechanics of the relationship. You’ve heard me talk about some of these before: using five positives for every negative interactions; men, accept your wife’s influence; learn how to repair after an argument; avoid criticism, contempt, stonewalling and defensiveness. All these things work, and they work great.

If just about all marriages can get better once they apply these principles, why are there still so many divorces? I’d like to say it’s because people don’t know about these principles, and in a certain number of patients, that’s true. But there are people who KNOW about these principles. I am aware of these people because I treat them. They read the books; they come to my sessions. And their marriages are no closer to being saved than the day I met them. These people have mentally checked out of their marriages, and are looking to me to tell them that they should move on. They come so disheartened with the quality of the relationship, or so disappointed (if not downright angry) with their mate that they cannot envision continuing the relationship.

It’s as if these people go to the mechanic, and say “I have a broken car.” And then, when the mechanic starts to take a look inside the hood, the customer says, “No! It’s broken. I need a new car!” In their minds, they’ve labeled the car as beyond repair, so they are closed to the idea that it can be fixed.

How does the mechanic convince a person that his car can be repaired when he or she is already walking around the showroom of a dealership looking for new cars? How can a therapist, a “marriage mechanic” if you will, convince a person that his or her marriage can be fixed when there’s no hope there?

To be continued...