A client once came to my office with news of another therapist who knew of my work. “Haltzman,” he asserted, “is nothing more than a marriage mechanic.” I guess that was supposed to be a put-down. And, to be sure, the client did want to know what to make of this therapists allegation.
I smiled inside. Heck, I smiled outside. I felt a sense of honor at this label. Picture, if you will, the image of someone taking their malfunctioning car to a mechanic—after a few brief diagnostics, the mechanic puts it on his lift, makes a few changes, warns you to remember in the future to rotate tires/use higher octane gas/check your coolant level and you are on your way. I like the idea of finding a guy or gal that can get my car back on the road.
The fact is there are ways to make relationships better, and these often include addressing the mechanics of the relationship. You’ve heard me talk about some of these before: using five positives for every negative interactions; men, accept your wife’s influence; learn how to repair after an argument; avoid criticism, contempt, stonewalling and defensiveness. All these things work, and they work great.
If just about all marriages can get better once they apply these principles, why are there still so many divorces? I’d like to say it’s because people don’t know about these principles, and in a certain number of patients, that’s true. But there are people who KNOW about these principles. I am aware of these people because I treat them. They read the books; they come to my sessions. And their marriages are no closer to being saved than the day I met them. These people have mentally checked out of their marriages, and are looking to me to tell them that they should move on. They come so disheartened with the quality of the relationship, or so disappointed (if not downright angry) with their mate that they cannot envision continuing the relationship.
It’s as if these people go to the mechanic, and say “I have a broken car.” And then, when the mechanic starts to take a look inside the hood, the customer says, “No! It’s broken. I need a new car!” In their minds, they’ve labeled the car as beyond repair, so they are closed to the idea that it can be fixed.
How does the mechanic convince a person that his car can be repaired when he or she is already walking around the showroom of a dealership looking for new cars? How can a therapist, a “marriage mechanic” if you will, convince a person that his or her marriage can be fixed when there’s no hope there?
To be continued...
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3 comments:
My husband recently had a two month emotional affair and we are currently in counceling and trying to work things out (its hard!). I just started reading your book, 'Secrets of Married Women'and so far it is making sense and helping me see how fundamentally different men and women really are. The book is helping me change my actions/reactions so that I can better meet my husbands needs (which I wasn't doing pre-emotional affair). I am however finding that it is hard to do after the betrayal and loss of trust. I would love to see more advice from you on coping after an affair and how to stick by the 7 Secrets even when you've been cheated on and really any insights on infidelity would be great!
Thanks!
Thanks for the positive feedback about my book. I appreciate it.
Re-establishing trust is one of the hardest things to do after your partner has an affair. I’ll “nutshell” it, but remember it’s only a start. He must first break off all contact with the woman, in some cases, that means finding a new job! Next, he must be willing to be open in all his dealing with the outside world: that means full access (if you choose) to his voicemail, cell, email, etc. (And he’s not permitted to call you paranoid—as Henry Kissinger once said, just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean someone’s NOT out to get you.) Finally, he must be willing to reveal everything YOU want to know about the affair, and not take the position that he’s holding back to spare your feelings. He also has to be willing to review it with you as often as you need—not allowed to say “I told you once, I shouldn’t have to repeat it.” Repeat he must…this is all about establishing consistency and trust.
Next, (and it sounds like you’re doing it by reading my book) you have to examine the relationship. You’ve got to work on being the ONLY woman he wants to have an affair with. This isn’t to say his cheating is your fault, only that we all do things to make ourselves unattractive to our mates. Stop doing those things, and our mates are more attracted to us! This is a chance to invite your husband to work with you on making the relationship more of what you want. Visit the “Beyond Affairs Network” or BAN (www.BeyondAffairs.com) for more support in this area.
Then, at some point, you just have to open your heart. Doesn’t mean you won’t get hurt again. But, when you think of it whenever you open your heart to someone (remember when you were a teenager?!) you risk getting hurt. I know, being hurt in an affair is like no other hurt. But staying shut out from the life of your mate can be very damaging, too, over time.
Hope this helps.
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