Good outweighs bad: infidelity outcomes

On my Facebook post from February 20, 2012, I wrote:

"Ultimately, I believe that people survive infidelity because they recognize that the unfaithful person is more complicated than the act he or she committed. I often hear the person who carried out an affair described as 'a good human being,' 'a great father/mother,' or 'very attentive spouse.' The one moniker that no longer applies, however, is 'faithful.' But short of that, there might be a long list of good qualities."

I got a response that got me thinking. Gail wrote: "It's WAY more complicated than that... And even acknowledging the good attributes of the person who has been unfaithful does not necessarily mean they should be trusted again."

That made me realize that when I share a thought midstream (as Facebook forces you to do) that it can be easily misinterpreted.

Here's a more complete (but not entirely complete) thought that got triggered by many journalists that interview me in the wake of some of the more noteworthy affairs among men in power and in the public eye: Why do their women stay with them. I remind the reporters that even though there are many such public examples there are many private examples also of people who choose to stay in the marriage even after their mate has cheated. This is true of many men and women.

So it begs the question, why stay? I think there are many things that keep someone with a partner who has cheated. It depends, in part, on the nature of the unfaithful act(s). Many of my clients have dealt with partners who have cheated on them with one person, and who reentered the marriage asking for forgiveness and commit themselves to staying away from the infidelity trap in the future. Other people, though, have been victimized over and over again by a partner who cheats, or a partner who has had continuous affairs over years. In these cases, the cheating partner's behavior may outweigh the factors that weigh in favor of the other spouse staying.

Not everyone does stay. And it takes a long time to build trust even if you do decide to try to work on the marriage. Sometimes it's just not possible to get that trust back. But when a person does continue in a marital relationship after an affair, it's usually a combination of factors: fear, shame, obligation, love for a partner, or the lack of other options. And, when all things are weighed against the affair itself, when someone decides to try to work things out, ultimately…[see the quote that begins this blog]

Clearer?

Gender Wars Alive and Well

Suppose you read a book that suggested that a man be kind to his wife, ask her if he could bring anything home on the way from the office, notice her new haircut, or to sit through a few hours of “American Idol” (if that’s what she likes) in order to build a better relationship. That hypothetical book (surprisingly one exists—called “The Secrets of Happily Married Men”—written, not coincidentally, by me) would be universally recognized as a useful instrument in the toolbox of marriage.

But what if your read a book that asked a woman to greet her husband lovingly when he came home every night, express heartfelt appreciation for his little acts of service (like bringing in the groceries) and warm up some leftovers in the oven if he comes home late from work. That’s much of what I write about in “The Secrets of Happily Married Women,” and it caused a heck of a firestorm when I discussed it on the “Morning Show with Mike and Juliet.” If you look at the >100 responses to a clip of my show on the popular women’s issues site “Jezebel”, (http://jezebel.com/5037660/mike--juliet-guests-purport-to-have-the-secret-to-a-happy-marriage) you’ll see that I’m not too fondly loved by people who have seen the clip.

I can understand why. Out of context, it sounds like women must do a whole list of things to make marriage better. The context, of course, is that men also must do a whole list of things to make marriage better. From my point of view, the issue isn’t “who’s doing more,” for the other sex. It’s whether we can conceptualize marriage as a place where we learn about our partner, and strive to make him or her happy. If a man has a deluded idea that his working makes a genuine difference in the life of his family, then his wife can spend her life trying to take him down a few notches, or she can say, “Thank you, Dear, I appreciate it.” Do you really think her life will be happier if she spends her energy proving to her hubby that she works just as hard as he does? I don’t see how she loses out by expressing appreciation, or doing nice things. I have found that such an approach makes her husband is more likely to want to come home, and want to do things for her. It irks me that my suggestions of seeing what your partner needs and speaking his or her language is characterized as “manipulation,” by some psychotherapists, and that somehow this approach is the opposite of “trust and respect.”

So, go to the clip show on Jezebel and take a look at the comments. Then tell me what you think!