What a Difference Two Parents Make

In just two days, I’m off to a conference at the University of Virginia to explore issues of parenting in American Culture. I’ve been invited to present a paper about whether there are gender specific qualities that fathers and mothers give to their children. “That’s a no brainer,” you say, of course children benefit from exposure to male and female qualities. But many, many children grow up without their fathers (and some without their mothers) through either separation, divorce, or the decision of parents to never marry. And I’ve concluded that children are missing out.

One of the most compelling findings of my research is that often gender differences in parenting actually lead to an increase in friction in the household. In other words, while the child often benefits from two kinds of play, two kinds of education and two kinds of attitudes toward work, cleanliness and finances, each parent is likely to say that there’s only one “best” approach to these life tasks—“my way!” For instance, the mother who believes that little Timmy must pick up all his toys before moving to another activity may be upset when, under his father’s care, Timmy leaves all his toys in the living room while playing with his drum set in the bedroom. It’s this schism between beliefs on how to raise children that leads to increased marital conflict when parents have children.

Young couples with children must learn that each partner is necessary for the education of a child as a whole, then parents can learn to be open to the influence of the other, rather than condemn the partner’s approach as being wrong. Let me be clear, some rules must be discussed, and parents should have a unified front on key issues. But discovering and enacting such rules requires a dialogue between parents, and the ability to drop the belief that there’s only one right way to do things. Like other conflict points (such as sex, housework, in-laws and money) resolving disagreements about raising children isn’t easy, but finding a way to hear each other, and work out a mutual understanding will not only help your child, but will help your marriage as well.