I continue to manage my DrScott.com forum (Discussion group) (http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpBB2/) and am inspired by the men and women who are trying so intently to improve their relationships.
Here’re the words of Mike, one of the members of the forum:
“Well her two best friends are telling her that she should leave me and apparently have for several years.
“I have told her and tried to show my changes and she has told me to stop and back off because she won't change her mind or heart. I'm wasting my time pinning my hopes on a small sliver of hope she will see me as husband material again.
“As far as a boyfriend goes, she turned to my best friend for emotional support when I was vacant and unaware of how badly I was treating her. Then I found some conversations that were very inappropriate for a married woman to have with a single guy, they both say nothing has ever happened, but some times their closeness seems more.
“I have had some time to think about a few things since my last post and I have come to a few conclusions. I will continue to improve whether she wants it or not. She has said this is her time to get what she wants and I am willing to support her in everything she wants except this divorce. She is not willing to make many changes to save our marriage.
“Right now she can not support herself and either of the kids that would want to stay with her so she has asked me to stay; I am going to move past this divorce idea and treat the situation now as we are still married and continue to improve and when she is ready to stand on her own then cross that bridge when we get there.”
Relationships are so difficult, and with the high expectations of husbands and wives for a happy, meaningful, enriching, gratifying relationship, it’s a wonder that, once the honeymoon is over, any of us can ever be happy in marriage.
That’s why I emphasize the importance of putting your marriage first, and putting a premium on the happiness of your spouse. Yeah, divorce is an option when the relationship gets tough. And selling your kids to an adoption agency is an option when money gets tight…but I don’t see many people doing it! But too many people look to divorce rather than repair when they’re not getting what they want out of marriage.
Marriages can be great. And it begins with you. Check out the forum, and share your thoughts on the slings and cupid's arrows of your relationship.
Sunday, December 7, 2008
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
What a Difference Two Parents Make
In just two days, I’m off to a conference at the University of Virginia to explore issues of parenting in American Culture. I’ve been invited to present a paper about whether there are gender specific qualities that fathers and mothers give to their children. “That’s a no brainer,” you say, of course children benefit from exposure to male and female qualities. But many, many children grow up without their fathers (and some without their mothers) through either separation, divorce, or the decision of parents to never marry. And I’ve concluded that children are missing out.
One of the most compelling findings of my research is that often gender differences in parenting actually lead to an increase in friction in the household. In other words, while the child often benefits from two kinds of play, two kinds of education and two kinds of attitudes toward work, cleanliness and finances, each parent is likely to say that there’s only one “best” approach to these life tasks—“my way!” For instance, the mother who believes that little Timmy must pick up all his toys before moving to another activity may be upset when, under his father’s care, Timmy leaves all his toys in the living room while playing with his drum set in the bedroom. It’s this schism between beliefs on how to raise children that leads to increased marital conflict when parents have children.
Young couples with children must learn that each partner is necessary for the education of a child as a whole, then parents can learn to be open to the influence of the other, rather than condemn the partner’s approach as being wrong. Let me be clear, some rules must be discussed, and parents should have a unified front on key issues. But discovering and enacting such rules requires a dialogue between parents, and the ability to drop the belief that there’s only one right way to do things. Like other conflict points (such as sex, housework, in-laws and money) resolving disagreements about raising children isn’t easy, but finding a way to hear each other, and work out a mutual understanding will not only help your child, but will help your marriage as well.
One of the most compelling findings of my research is that often gender differences in parenting actually lead to an increase in friction in the household. In other words, while the child often benefits from two kinds of play, two kinds of education and two kinds of attitudes toward work, cleanliness and finances, each parent is likely to say that there’s only one “best” approach to these life tasks—“my way!” For instance, the mother who believes that little Timmy must pick up all his toys before moving to another activity may be upset when, under his father’s care, Timmy leaves all his toys in the living room while playing with his drum set in the bedroom. It’s this schism between beliefs on how to raise children that leads to increased marital conflict when parents have children.
Young couples with children must learn that each partner is necessary for the education of a child as a whole, then parents can learn to be open to the influence of the other, rather than condemn the partner’s approach as being wrong. Let me be clear, some rules must be discussed, and parents should have a unified front on key issues. But discovering and enacting such rules requires a dialogue between parents, and the ability to drop the belief that there’s only one right way to do things. Like other conflict points (such as sex, housework, in-laws and money) resolving disagreements about raising children isn’t easy, but finding a way to hear each other, and work out a mutual understanding will not only help your child, but will help your marriage as well.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Getting married and staying married
I met with a couple I've been seeing for a while. Discontent has started to brew over the relationship. She's looking for an emotional connection, a meaningful "we" experience that, try as he may, her husband is not able to provide for her. She sees herself as having asked...and he sees himself as having failed... to meet her needs. Oh, and it's not that he's just insecure, she's all but told him: "You've failed to meet my needs."
And it occurred to me, at that moment, something that hadn't presented itself to me in quite that way of saying it before: getting married is a selfish act, staying married is a selfless act.
When someone gets married, he or she chooses a person because that person will "make me happy." Men and women go through the mental list, how nice is this person I'm thinking of marrying, how attractive, how rich, how thoughtful, how stable? What's the likelihood that this person will meet my needs? If the candidate falls short ("He's sweet, but will never amount to much" or "She's really smart, but she's not able to let go and have fun...") then the marrier-to-be takes a pass, and moves on to the next potential life mate. Let's face it, someone looking for a lifetime partner doesn't seek the person with the qualifications of "Who will be happiest in the world for my having chosen him or her," without taking into account his or her own happiness.
So, an individual picks out someone who will complete his or her needs, and there's nothing wrong with that! Then, he or she buys (or accepts) a ring, and they're off to a lifetime of happiness.
Not!
If picking the person that would make people happy would turn out as expected, I wouldn't have to write books about marriages and relationships. You see, while each partner A was plotting away on how Partner B would contribute to his or her happiness, Partner B was making the very same assumptions about Partner A. Once married, they both sit back and wait for all the happiness to rain down on them like candies from a busted piñata.
When marital problems begin, it often is in the form of unhappiness. When the discontent becomes excessive, one, or both partners, may decide it's time to bail out.
Staying married is a selfless act
Most people who are in long-term marriages have been through times when they weren't both happy. (Although many of them can't recall the time--which also tells you something.) The ability to stay in a marriage that is not bringing happiness, and shifting focus on keeping the marriage together, requires postponing the need for happiness, for at least one of the individuals, and putting an effort into finding a way to re-cement the bonds of the relationship. Often that means that one spouse must find a way to make another spouse happy, even if it is at the expense of his or her own happiness. It’s an effort that takes more than a few hours or a few days; often it can take years of sacrifice and building mutual trust.
I’ve written about many of the ways to help make marriage better, so I don’t think anyone who’s read my books would be surprised to learn that healing a relationship doesn’t come from sitting around expecting your mate to make things better. The subtitle of The Secrets of Happily Married Men, is “Eight ways to win your wife’s heart for ever.” In other words, I write about how to make a wife happy. And one need only have seen my recent interviews on “The Morning Show with Mike and Juliet” to know that, as I write about in The Secrets of Happily Married Women, wives in stable marriages understand how their husbands operate, and, rather than try to change them, strive to improve the relationship by making accommodations for their manly ways.
All of these things involve being selfless; and often these qualities and actions don’t come naturally. But they're essential to a healthy marriage.
Yet Karma does play a role. For, while being selfless in marriage is a blessing—and often a necessity—when you do shift from the selfish act of marriage to the selfless act of staying married, your relationship gets stronger and richer. And guess what? You end up getting the happiness you were looking for all along.
And it occurred to me, at that moment, something that hadn't presented itself to me in quite that way of saying it before: getting married is a selfish act, staying married is a selfless act.
When someone gets married, he or she chooses a person because that person will "make me happy." Men and women go through the mental list, how nice is this person I'm thinking of marrying, how attractive, how rich, how thoughtful, how stable? What's the likelihood that this person will meet my needs? If the candidate falls short ("He's sweet, but will never amount to much" or "She's really smart, but she's not able to let go and have fun...") then the marrier-to-be takes a pass, and moves on to the next potential life mate. Let's face it, someone looking for a lifetime partner doesn't seek the person with the qualifications of "Who will be happiest in the world for my having chosen him or her," without taking into account his or her own happiness.
So, an individual picks out someone who will complete his or her needs, and there's nothing wrong with that! Then, he or she buys (or accepts) a ring, and they're off to a lifetime of happiness.
Not!
If picking the person that would make people happy would turn out as expected, I wouldn't have to write books about marriages and relationships. You see, while each partner A was plotting away on how Partner B would contribute to his or her happiness, Partner B was making the very same assumptions about Partner A. Once married, they both sit back and wait for all the happiness to rain down on them like candies from a busted piñata.
When marital problems begin, it often is in the form of unhappiness. When the discontent becomes excessive, one, or both partners, may decide it's time to bail out.
Staying married is a selfless act
Most people who are in long-term marriages have been through times when they weren't both happy. (Although many of them can't recall the time--which also tells you something.) The ability to stay in a marriage that is not bringing happiness, and shifting focus on keeping the marriage together, requires postponing the need for happiness, for at least one of the individuals, and putting an effort into finding a way to re-cement the bonds of the relationship. Often that means that one spouse must find a way to make another spouse happy, even if it is at the expense of his or her own happiness. It’s an effort that takes more than a few hours or a few days; often it can take years of sacrifice and building mutual trust.
I’ve written about many of the ways to help make marriage better, so I don’t think anyone who’s read my books would be surprised to learn that healing a relationship doesn’t come from sitting around expecting your mate to make things better. The subtitle of The Secrets of Happily Married Men, is “Eight ways to win your wife’s heart for ever.” In other words, I write about how to make a wife happy. And one need only have seen my recent interviews on “The Morning Show with Mike and Juliet” to know that, as I write about in The Secrets of Happily Married Women, wives in stable marriages understand how their husbands operate, and, rather than try to change them, strive to improve the relationship by making accommodations for their manly ways.
All of these things involve being selfless; and often these qualities and actions don’t come naturally. But they're essential to a healthy marriage.
Yet Karma does play a role. For, while being selfless in marriage is a blessing—and often a necessity—when you do shift from the selfish act of marriage to the selfless act of staying married, your relationship gets stronger and richer. And guess what? You end up getting the happiness you were looking for all along.
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Gender Wars Alive and Well
Suppose you read a book that suggested that a man be kind to his wife, ask her if he could bring anything home on the way from the office, notice her new haircut, or to sit through a few hours of “American Idol” (if that’s what she likes) in order to build a better relationship. That hypothetical book (surprisingly one exists—called “The Secrets of Happily Married Men”—written, not coincidentally, by me) would be universally recognized as a useful instrument in the toolbox of marriage.
But what if your read a book that asked a woman to greet her husband lovingly when he came home every night, express heartfelt appreciation for his little acts of service (like bringing in the groceries) and warm up some leftovers in the oven if he comes home late from work. That’s much of what I write about in “The Secrets of Happily Married Women,” and it caused a heck of a firestorm when I discussed it on the “Morning Show with Mike and Juliet.” If you look at the >100 responses to a clip of my show on the popular women’s issues site “Jezebel”, (http://jezebel.com/5037660/mike--juliet-guests-purport-to-have-the-secret-to-a-happy-marriage) you’ll see that I’m not too fondly loved by people who have seen the clip.
I can understand why. Out of context, it sounds like women must do a whole list of things to make marriage better. The context, of course, is that men also must do a whole list of things to make marriage better. From my point of view, the issue isn’t “who’s doing more,” for the other sex. It’s whether we can conceptualize marriage as a place where we learn about our partner, and strive to make him or her happy. If a man has a deluded idea that his working makes a genuine difference in the life of his family, then his wife can spend her life trying to take him down a few notches, or she can say, “Thank you, Dear, I appreciate it.” Do you really think her life will be happier if she spends her energy proving to her hubby that she works just as hard as he does? I don’t see how she loses out by expressing appreciation, or doing nice things. I have found that such an approach makes her husband is more likely to want to come home, and want to do things for her. It irks me that my suggestions of seeing what your partner needs and speaking his or her language is characterized as “manipulation,” by some psychotherapists, and that somehow this approach is the opposite of “trust and respect.”
So, go to the clip show on Jezebel and take a look at the comments. Then tell me what you think!
But what if your read a book that asked a woman to greet her husband lovingly when he came home every night, express heartfelt appreciation for his little acts of service (like bringing in the groceries) and warm up some leftovers in the oven if he comes home late from work. That’s much of what I write about in “The Secrets of Happily Married Women,” and it caused a heck of a firestorm when I discussed it on the “Morning Show with Mike and Juliet.” If you look at the >100 responses to a clip of my show on the popular women’s issues site “Jezebel”, (http://jezebel.com/5037660/mike--juliet-guests-purport-to-have-the-secret-to-a-happy-marriage) you’ll see that I’m not too fondly loved by people who have seen the clip.
I can understand why. Out of context, it sounds like women must do a whole list of things to make marriage better. The context, of course, is that men also must do a whole list of things to make marriage better. From my point of view, the issue isn’t “who’s doing more,” for the other sex. It’s whether we can conceptualize marriage as a place where we learn about our partner, and strive to make him or her happy. If a man has a deluded idea that his working makes a genuine difference in the life of his family, then his wife can spend her life trying to take him down a few notches, or she can say, “Thank you, Dear, I appreciate it.” Do you really think her life will be happier if she spends her energy proving to her hubby that she works just as hard as he does? I don’t see how she loses out by expressing appreciation, or doing nice things. I have found that such an approach makes her husband is more likely to want to come home, and want to do things for her. It irks me that my suggestions of seeing what your partner needs and speaking his or her language is characterized as “manipulation,” by some psychotherapists, and that somehow this approach is the opposite of “trust and respect.”
So, go to the clip show on Jezebel and take a look at the comments. Then tell me what you think!
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
The Marriage Mechanic
A client once came to my office with news of another therapist who knew of my work. “Haltzman,” he asserted, “is nothing more than a marriage mechanic.” I guess that was supposed to be a put-down. And, to be sure, the client did want to know what to make of this therapists allegation.
I smiled inside. Heck, I smiled outside. I felt a sense of honor at this label. Picture, if you will, the image of someone taking their malfunctioning car to a mechanic—after a few brief diagnostics, the mechanic puts it on his lift, makes a few changes, warns you to remember in the future to rotate tires/use higher octane gas/check your coolant level and you are on your way. I like the idea of finding a guy or gal that can get my car back on the road.
The fact is there are ways to make relationships better, and these often include addressing the mechanics of the relationship. You’ve heard me talk about some of these before: using five positives for every negative interactions; men, accept your wife’s influence; learn how to repair after an argument; avoid criticism, contempt, stonewalling and defensiveness. All these things work, and they work great.
If just about all marriages can get better once they apply these principles, why are there still so many divorces? I’d like to say it’s because people don’t know about these principles, and in a certain number of patients, that’s true. But there are people who KNOW about these principles. I am aware of these people because I treat them. They read the books; they come to my sessions. And their marriages are no closer to being saved than the day I met them. These people have mentally checked out of their marriages, and are looking to me to tell them that they should move on. They come so disheartened with the quality of the relationship, or so disappointed (if not downright angry) with their mate that they cannot envision continuing the relationship.
It’s as if these people go to the mechanic, and say “I have a broken car.” And then, when the mechanic starts to take a look inside the hood, the customer says, “No! It’s broken. I need a new car!” In their minds, they’ve labeled the car as beyond repair, so they are closed to the idea that it can be fixed.
How does the mechanic convince a person that his car can be repaired when he or she is already walking around the showroom of a dealership looking for new cars? How can a therapist, a “marriage mechanic” if you will, convince a person that his or her marriage can be fixed when there’s no hope there?
To be continued...
I smiled inside. Heck, I smiled outside. I felt a sense of honor at this label. Picture, if you will, the image of someone taking their malfunctioning car to a mechanic—after a few brief diagnostics, the mechanic puts it on his lift, makes a few changes, warns you to remember in the future to rotate tires/use higher octane gas/check your coolant level and you are on your way. I like the idea of finding a guy or gal that can get my car back on the road.
The fact is there are ways to make relationships better, and these often include addressing the mechanics of the relationship. You’ve heard me talk about some of these before: using five positives for every negative interactions; men, accept your wife’s influence; learn how to repair after an argument; avoid criticism, contempt, stonewalling and defensiveness. All these things work, and they work great.
If just about all marriages can get better once they apply these principles, why are there still so many divorces? I’d like to say it’s because people don’t know about these principles, and in a certain number of patients, that’s true. But there are people who KNOW about these principles. I am aware of these people because I treat them. They read the books; they come to my sessions. And their marriages are no closer to being saved than the day I met them. These people have mentally checked out of their marriages, and are looking to me to tell them that they should move on. They come so disheartened with the quality of the relationship, or so disappointed (if not downright angry) with their mate that they cannot envision continuing the relationship.
It’s as if these people go to the mechanic, and say “I have a broken car.” And then, when the mechanic starts to take a look inside the hood, the customer says, “No! It’s broken. I need a new car!” In their minds, they’ve labeled the car as beyond repair, so they are closed to the idea that it can be fixed.
How does the mechanic convince a person that his car can be repaired when he or she is already walking around the showroom of a dealership looking for new cars? How can a therapist, a “marriage mechanic” if you will, convince a person that his or her marriage can be fixed when there’s no hope there?
To be continued...
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Fatter Americans
In my upcoming book, The Secrets of Happy Families, I review statistics from the US Government that tell me that 2/3 of all Americans are obese. That’s pretty bad. Now, I come across an analysis of statistical trends that makes the current data look like good news! [Article and link below]
When seven out of eight people are overweight that’s a problem that goes beyond needing to make seats on airplanes larger. Obesity is dangerous. We’ve all heard about heart attacks, stroke, yada yada yada. American’s keep hoping that there will be a doctor who will step in and solve the problem and clean up the mess they’ve made of their bodies. Therapists have contributed to the problem by telling people that they are eating because of emotional pain. Yeah, maybe, but if 86% of us are emotional eaters (and the other 15% are anorexics!—just kidding) then, as a society, we’re in pretty bad mental shape.
No, I have another hypothesis. There’s too much food around! I can’t drive from one store to another without finding a Subway, Dunkin Donuts, Coldstone Creamery or some other temptation to pull me in. Why are these foods so satisfying—because they’re loaded with calories. [OK, maybe Jared did lose weight with Subways, but the 12-inch meatball subs with cheese have 1120 calories. If you’re on a diet, that’s about 2/3 of all you should eat for a whole day!] The richer the food, the better we feel, temporarily. But feeling good by eating a big meal is akin to the rush you get from doing drugs. The good feeling only lasts a few moments, and then you crash and feel worse than ever. Moreover, you wake up the next day fatter than the day before. And talk about emotional distress. Maybe we’re all eating to heal the pain of being overweight!
Portion control, wise food choices, and staying away from casual fast-food to fill in between meals can help start the process of weight loss. Physical activity is a must for keeping your bodily and mental health. Don’t wait to get yourself healthy—maybe we can reverse this trend and get in shape by 2030. The we’ll make the statisticians eat their words!
www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/116358.php
86 Per Cent Of American Adults May Be Obese By 2030
28 Jul 2008
Roughly 86 percent of Americans age 18 and older may be overweight or obese by 2030 and related health care costs would double every decade and could reach $956.9 billion in 2030 - 1 of every 6 health care dollars spent -- according to a new study published online by the journal, Obesity on July 24. The study was authored in part by Lan Liang, Ph.D., with the federal government's Agency for Healthcare Research and Quality (AHRQ), and was led by Youfa Wang, M.D., Ph.D., associate professor of International Health and Epidemiology at the Johns Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health.
The study is conducted based on several large national survey data sets collected over the past three decades, including those collected by AHRQ and the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Overweight is defined as having a Body Mass Index (BMI) of 25 to 29.9.
Obesity and overweight are especially worrisome because of their impact on quality of life, premature death, and health care, as well as associated costs. Being overweight or obese increases the risk of many health problems including diabetes, stroke, heart disease, osteoarthritis, sleep apnea, breast cancer and certain other types of cancer. If the rise in current rates of overweight and obesity continue, as most experts believe they will, future adults may have shorter life-spans than the current generation.
According to the researchers, who also included coauthors Drs. May Beydoun and Benjamin Caballero from Johns Hopkins and Shiriki Kumanyika from the University of Pennsylvania School of Medicine, half of U.S. adults, as a whole, will become obese, as will 97 percent of black women and 91 percent of Mexican-American men by 2030.
The authors also estimate that by 2022, about 80 percent of adults may be overweight or obese, and 100 percent could be by 2048. But the prevalence will reach 100 percent in black women by 2034.
Moreover, nearly one third of all U.S. children and adolescents could become obese (body mass index is greater than the 95th percentile) by 2034, and the prevalence could increase to half by 2070. Black girls and Mexican-American boys are especially vulnerable--four in 10 may become overweight or obese by 2030, and half by 2050.
For details, see "Will all Americans Become Overweight or Obese? Estimating the progression and cost of the US obesity epidemic."
http://www.ahrq.gov
When seven out of eight people are overweight that’s a problem that goes beyond needing to make seats on airplanes larger. Obesity is dangerous. We’ve all heard about heart attacks, stroke, yada yada yada. American’s keep hoping that there will be a doctor who will step in and solve the problem and clean up the mess they’ve made of their bodies. Therapists have contributed to the problem by telling people that they are eating because of emotional pain. Yeah, maybe, but if 86% of us are emotional eaters (and the other 15% are anorexics!—just kidding) then, as a society, we’re in pretty bad mental shape.
No, I have another hypothesis. There’s too much food around! I can’t drive from one store to another without finding a Subway, Dunkin Donuts, Coldstone Creamery or some other temptation to pull me in. Why are these foods so satisfying—because they’re loaded with calories. [OK, maybe Jared did lose weight with Subways, but the 12-inch meatball subs with cheese have 1120 calories. If you’re on a diet, that’s about 2/3 of all you should eat for a whole day!] The richer the food, the better we feel, temporarily. But feeling good by eating a big meal is akin to the rush you get from doing drugs. The good feeling only lasts a few moments, and then you crash and feel worse than ever. Moreover, you wake up the next day fatter than the day before. And talk about emotional distress. Maybe we’re all eating to heal the pain of being overweight!
Portion control, wise food choices, and staying away from casual fast-food to fill in between meals can help start the process of weight loss. Physical activity is a must for keeping your bodily and mental health. Don’t wait to get yourself healthy—maybe we can reverse this trend and get in shape by 2030. The we’ll make the statisticians eat their words!
www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/116358.php
86 Per Cent Of American Adults May Be Obese By 2030
28 Jul 2008
Roughly 86 percent of Americans age 18 and older may be overweight or obese by 2030 and related health care costs would double every decade and could reach $956.9 billion in 2030 - 1 of every 6 health care dollars spent -- according to a new study published online by the journal, Obesity on July 24. The study was authored in part by Lan Liang, Ph.D., with the federal government's Agency for Healthcare Research and Quality (AHRQ), and was led by Youfa Wang, M.D., Ph.D., associate professor of International Health and Epidemiology at the Johns Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health.
The study is conducted based on several large national survey data sets collected over the past three decades, including those collected by AHRQ and the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Overweight is defined as having a Body Mass Index (BMI) of 25 to 29.9.
Obesity and overweight are especially worrisome because of their impact on quality of life, premature death, and health care, as well as associated costs. Being overweight or obese increases the risk of many health problems including diabetes, stroke, heart disease, osteoarthritis, sleep apnea, breast cancer and certain other types of cancer. If the rise in current rates of overweight and obesity continue, as most experts believe they will, future adults may have shorter life-spans than the current generation.
According to the researchers, who also included coauthors Drs. May Beydoun and Benjamin Caballero from Johns Hopkins and Shiriki Kumanyika from the University of Pennsylvania School of Medicine, half of U.S. adults, as a whole, will become obese, as will 97 percent of black women and 91 percent of Mexican-American men by 2030.
The authors also estimate that by 2022, about 80 percent of adults may be overweight or obese, and 100 percent could be by 2048. But the prevalence will reach 100 percent in black women by 2034.
Moreover, nearly one third of all U.S. children and adolescents could become obese (body mass index is greater than the 95th percentile) by 2034, and the prevalence could increase to half by 2070. Black girls and Mexican-American boys are especially vulnerable--four in 10 may become overweight or obese by 2030, and half by 2050.
For details, see "Will all Americans Become Overweight or Obese? Estimating the progression and cost of the US obesity epidemic."
http://www.ahrq.gov
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Back at blogging with news from 20/20
I remember the days when I used to pick up a pencil and paper, and have my thoughts down on paper in a matter of minutes. Now, it’s taken me a full month to figure out how to get back on to this Blog in order to write another essay!
In the meanwhile, I was featured on the ABC news show 20/20 based, in part, on the contribution that my readers have made related to the question of whether men would consider having affairs if their wives “let them.”
Here’s the link: http://www.abcnews.go.com/2020/story?id=5380175&page=1
And the story:
Infidelity: Is Monogamy Just a Myth?
Scientists, Doctors and a 'Bad Boy' Tackle the Question of Why We Cheat
By JOY CIARCIA-LEVY
July 16, 2008 —
It's all over the news -- couples breaking up because someone cheated. What is going on?
"Sex is the most primal urge in every single one of us," said advice columnist Steve Santagati. He makes money telling people things like that. He proudly markets himself as a "bad boy."
"A bad boy is a guy who's unapologetically male, loves being naughty, and loves seducing women," Santagati said.
He's all over TV these days. On "Oprah" and the "Today" show helping women understand men. On CNN, he offered this advice on the sex scandal that brought down former New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer.
"These guys are not sorry for what they did, they're sorry for only one thing, and that is getting caught," Santagati said.
'Bad Boys' Who Cheat
Santagati is 44 years old, single and said he never wants to get married or have kids. He believes men cheat for a number of reasons, but one may be that they settle down before they are ready. Santagati warns his clients that "you can't be in a monogamous relationship if you feel like you're settling or you're missing out."
His book, "The Manual: A True Bad Boy Explains How Men Think, Date, and Mate -- and What Women Can Do to Come Out on Top," is a best-seller.
Santagati is a former model who starred in a hit music video with Celine Dion. These days he runs a Web site, askstevesantagati.com where people can order his bad boy T-shirts, which are popular with celebrities like Lauren Hutton and Tommy Lee.
And on his Web site people, well women mostly, pay money to get his personal advice. He promises to be "brutal" with his advice -- to help women understand how a bad boy really thinks. This is helpful because women just don't get men, he said. But bad boys, he believes, do better with women because they can admit they have a wandering eye. And he said women like men who are bad boys.
"Everything inside of us, all of the blood running through our veins, is going 'look, look, look.' We cannot look at a woman's chest. We have to physically try not to," Santagati said.
He said many men get married too young and don't get to fulfill their "check list" of fantasies.
"We want the Swedish girl, the Hispanic girl, the black girl, the redhead girl, the brainiac," Santagati said.
He has a point. A study in the Journal of Couple & Relationships Therapy reported that half of married men and women cheat. A more recent national opinion survey from the University of Chicago said it's closer to 18 percent. But whatever the number, there's plenty of cheating and men cheat more. Even America's most desirable women are cheated on.
Why Powerful Men Cheat: 'Because They Can,'
There's always celebrity gossip about cheating spouses. Most recently, rumors were confirmed when Peter Cook admitted to cheating on Christie Brinkley.
"Jude Law fools around with his nanny," Santagati said. "And then I look at [Law's former fiancé] Sienna Miller and I look at the nanny, and I'm like, 'How did that happen?' I know how it happened. It was a ... fantasy. It was fooling around with the nanny. It was the, one of the naughtiest things he can do."
He said bad boys like being naughty; it inspires them to cheat. But why?
Because "we're programmed for sexual variety," Santagati said. In other words, we shouldn't pretend to be shocked when even our so-called leaders are caught, he said.
Men in power cheat more, he said, because they can. Men like Prince Charles and Bill Clinton.
"Bill Clinton fooled around with Monica Lewinsky," Santagati said. "Now, no offense to Monica, but she, she's no Jessica Alba. She is ... the intern. She's the last person in the world Bill Clinton should have any sexual contact with. And that makes it extremely provocative."
Is Monogamy Just a Myth?
But it's not just people who cheat. Dr. Judith Eve Lipton, a psychiatrist, said that a common myth is that many animals are monogamous. She and her husband, David Barash, a zoologist, who co-wrote the book "The Myth of Monogamy," say there are a lot of misconceptions about monogamy.
For instance, many people grow up believing black swans, wolves and elephants are happy, monogamous mates. But scientists now know that "virtually no animals practice sexual exclusivity. They keep house together year after year in many cases, but they're sexually promiscuous," Lipton said.
Barash notes that the film "March of the Penguins" was touted as a great peon to lifelong monogamy, but "the truth is, these animals ... remain monogamous, faithful to one partner, for one breeding season. The next breeding season they will choose a different partner."
Scientists used to believe many bird species were monogamous, but recently, they've found otherwise.
"The female birds go off in the bushes and have sex with somebody other than the guy who's sitting on the nest," Lipton explained.
Scientists around the world have tested the DNA of baby birds and found even those in the same nest had different fathers. All that is evidence, Barash believes, that monogamy does not come naturally.
"When it comes to human beings, there's absolutely no question about monogamy being natural. It's not," Barash said. Barash and Lipton believe it all goes back to evolution: The male's goal is to make sure his genes live on and therefore he sets out to fertilize as many females as possible.
"Sexual opportunity is the name of the game for males," Lipton said. Women, on the other hand, spend nine months pregnant, then have to care for their children. So it's in the interest of the woman to find one man who will stay with her, or at least help her take care of her offspring, and some might argue that man is preferably wealthy or powerful.
"Females, by nature, are more choosy and less opportunistic," Lipton said.
But of course women cheat, too, Santagati reminds us.
"Men cheat because we are ... programmed to cheat. But who are we cheating with? We're cheating with women. I've cheated before. I've been a cheater. I know that these women are in on it. Women have been cheating on their boyfriends to be with me at times," Santagati said.
Is Marriage a Mistake?
But according to Barash, we shouldn't lose all hope in monogamy. There are a few animal species that are sexually faithful. Like the Malagasy giant jumping rat, the fat-tailed lemur and the California mouse. "You have to dig pretty deep to find other species that are & truly and reliably monogamous," he said.
"We're less like a Malagasy giant jumping rat than we are like ... chimps and ... gorillas and our primate ancestors who are not monogamous," Lipton said.
With so much cheating going on, Santagati tells people that they should "not go and think that you need to get married, have two kids, and live happily ever after. That, my friend, is a load of crap for 90 percent of the population."
So are most men who get married making a mistake?
"I would venture to say they haven't thought it through," is Satagati's confident response. But why should anybody take his advice?
"I have spent every waking breath since I reached puberty to understand women," he said. "The more I learned about the opposite sex, the more I knew how to get girls."
But maybe women just like him because he's good-looking and charming? Santagati insists that's not the case.
"You will see beautiful women with unattractive guys all the time. Women want to be with real men," and according to Santagati, real men cheat.
The Merits of Matrimony
Brown University professor and psychiatrist Dr. Scott Haltzman said Santagati's message is nonsense. Haltzman is the author of the book "The Secrets of Happily Married Men".
"There's no arguing that having an affair is full of fireworks and excitement and incredible energy. But that fades. That always fades," Haltzman said. "The type of quality you get in a relationship with your wife is something over a period of time that cannot be replaced by any affair or any fling."
And many studies do show that married couples on average, are happier. This year, Brigham Young University professor Julianne Holt-Lunstad found married couples are healthier, too. They have lower blood pressure, less stress.
Some still argue that monogamy isn't natural and that men, especially, are biologically programmed to stray.
"Well, we're programmed to do a lot of things," Haltzman said. "It may be natural if I'm mad at my boss, to want to punch him right in the face. But just because that's a natural thing to do doesn't mean that I'm going to do it."
And although Barash and Lipton concluded that monogamy among animals and people is not natural, they have been married, and faithful to each other for 31 years.
"It has been largely wonderful," Barash said. "The myth would be to say it's always been wonderful. But it certainly hasn't. It's been largely wonderful."
It's been wonderful for Haltzman and his wife as well.
"The benefit of being with one person is that you know that when you're making love to that person, what you have with that one individual is something that you have with no other person," Haltzman said.
Copyright © 2008 ABC News Internet Ventures
In the meanwhile, I was featured on the ABC news show 20/20 based, in part, on the contribution that my readers have made related to the question of whether men would consider having affairs if their wives “let them.”
Here’s the link: http://www.abcnews.go.com/2020/story?id=5380175&page=1
And the story:
Infidelity: Is Monogamy Just a Myth?
Scientists, Doctors and a 'Bad Boy' Tackle the Question of Why We Cheat
By JOY CIARCIA-LEVY
July 16, 2008 —
It's all over the news -- couples breaking up because someone cheated. What is going on?
"Sex is the most primal urge in every single one of us," said advice columnist Steve Santagati. He makes money telling people things like that. He proudly markets himself as a "bad boy."
"A bad boy is a guy who's unapologetically male, loves being naughty, and loves seducing women," Santagati said.
He's all over TV these days. On "Oprah" and the "Today" show helping women understand men. On CNN, he offered this advice on the sex scandal that brought down former New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer.
"These guys are not sorry for what they did, they're sorry for only one thing, and that is getting caught," Santagati said.
'Bad Boys' Who Cheat
Santagati is 44 years old, single and said he never wants to get married or have kids. He believes men cheat for a number of reasons, but one may be that they settle down before they are ready. Santagati warns his clients that "you can't be in a monogamous relationship if you feel like you're settling or you're missing out."
His book, "The Manual: A True Bad Boy Explains How Men Think, Date, and Mate -- and What Women Can Do to Come Out on Top," is a best-seller.
Santagati is a former model who starred in a hit music video with Celine Dion. These days he runs a Web site, askstevesantagati.com where people can order his bad boy T-shirts, which are popular with celebrities like Lauren Hutton and Tommy Lee.
And on his Web site people, well women mostly, pay money to get his personal advice. He promises to be "brutal" with his advice -- to help women understand how a bad boy really thinks. This is helpful because women just don't get men, he said. But bad boys, he believes, do better with women because they can admit they have a wandering eye. And he said women like men who are bad boys.
"Everything inside of us, all of the blood running through our veins, is going 'look, look, look.' We cannot look at a woman's chest. We have to physically try not to," Santagati said.
He said many men get married too young and don't get to fulfill their "check list" of fantasies.
"We want the Swedish girl, the Hispanic girl, the black girl, the redhead girl, the brainiac," Santagati said.
He has a point. A study in the Journal of Couple & Relationships Therapy reported that half of married men and women cheat. A more recent national opinion survey from the University of Chicago said it's closer to 18 percent. But whatever the number, there's plenty of cheating and men cheat more. Even America's most desirable women are cheated on.
Why Powerful Men Cheat: 'Because They Can,'
There's always celebrity gossip about cheating spouses. Most recently, rumors were confirmed when Peter Cook admitted to cheating on Christie Brinkley.
"Jude Law fools around with his nanny," Santagati said. "And then I look at [Law's former fiancé] Sienna Miller and I look at the nanny, and I'm like, 'How did that happen?' I know how it happened. It was a ... fantasy. It was fooling around with the nanny. It was the, one of the naughtiest things he can do."
He said bad boys like being naughty; it inspires them to cheat. But why?
Because "we're programmed for sexual variety," Santagati said. In other words, we shouldn't pretend to be shocked when even our so-called leaders are caught, he said.
Men in power cheat more, he said, because they can. Men like Prince Charles and Bill Clinton.
"Bill Clinton fooled around with Monica Lewinsky," Santagati said. "Now, no offense to Monica, but she, she's no Jessica Alba. She is ... the intern. She's the last person in the world Bill Clinton should have any sexual contact with. And that makes it extremely provocative."
Is Monogamy Just a Myth?
But it's not just people who cheat. Dr. Judith Eve Lipton, a psychiatrist, said that a common myth is that many animals are monogamous. She and her husband, David Barash, a zoologist, who co-wrote the book "The Myth of Monogamy," say there are a lot of misconceptions about monogamy.
For instance, many people grow up believing black swans, wolves and elephants are happy, monogamous mates. But scientists now know that "virtually no animals practice sexual exclusivity. They keep house together year after year in many cases, but they're sexually promiscuous," Lipton said.
Barash notes that the film "March of the Penguins" was touted as a great peon to lifelong monogamy, but "the truth is, these animals ... remain monogamous, faithful to one partner, for one breeding season. The next breeding season they will choose a different partner."
Scientists used to believe many bird species were monogamous, but recently, they've found otherwise.
"The female birds go off in the bushes and have sex with somebody other than the guy who's sitting on the nest," Lipton explained.
Scientists around the world have tested the DNA of baby birds and found even those in the same nest had different fathers. All that is evidence, Barash believes, that monogamy does not come naturally.
"When it comes to human beings, there's absolutely no question about monogamy being natural. It's not," Barash said. Barash and Lipton believe it all goes back to evolution: The male's goal is to make sure his genes live on and therefore he sets out to fertilize as many females as possible.
"Sexual opportunity is the name of the game for males," Lipton said. Women, on the other hand, spend nine months pregnant, then have to care for their children. So it's in the interest of the woman to find one man who will stay with her, or at least help her take care of her offspring, and some might argue that man is preferably wealthy or powerful.
"Females, by nature, are more choosy and less opportunistic," Lipton said.
But of course women cheat, too, Santagati reminds us.
"Men cheat because we are ... programmed to cheat. But who are we cheating with? We're cheating with women. I've cheated before. I've been a cheater. I know that these women are in on it. Women have been cheating on their boyfriends to be with me at times," Santagati said.
Is Marriage a Mistake?
But according to Barash, we shouldn't lose all hope in monogamy. There are a few animal species that are sexually faithful. Like the Malagasy giant jumping rat, the fat-tailed lemur and the California mouse. "You have to dig pretty deep to find other species that are & truly and reliably monogamous," he said.
"We're less like a Malagasy giant jumping rat than we are like ... chimps and ... gorillas and our primate ancestors who are not monogamous," Lipton said.
With so much cheating going on, Santagati tells people that they should "not go and think that you need to get married, have two kids, and live happily ever after. That, my friend, is a load of crap for 90 percent of the population."
So are most men who get married making a mistake?
"I would venture to say they haven't thought it through," is Satagati's confident response. But why should anybody take his advice?
"I have spent every waking breath since I reached puberty to understand women," he said. "The more I learned about the opposite sex, the more I knew how to get girls."
But maybe women just like him because he's good-looking and charming? Santagati insists that's not the case.
"You will see beautiful women with unattractive guys all the time. Women want to be with real men," and according to Santagati, real men cheat.
The Merits of Matrimony
Brown University professor and psychiatrist Dr. Scott Haltzman said Santagati's message is nonsense. Haltzman is the author of the book "The Secrets of Happily Married Men".
"There's no arguing that having an affair is full of fireworks and excitement and incredible energy. But that fades. That always fades," Haltzman said. "The type of quality you get in a relationship with your wife is something over a period of time that cannot be replaced by any affair or any fling."
And many studies do show that married couples on average, are happier. This year, Brigham Young University professor Julianne Holt-Lunstad found married couples are healthier, too. They have lower blood pressure, less stress.
Some still argue that monogamy isn't natural and that men, especially, are biologically programmed to stray.
"Well, we're programmed to do a lot of things," Haltzman said. "It may be natural if I'm mad at my boss, to want to punch him right in the face. But just because that's a natural thing to do doesn't mean that I'm going to do it."
And although Barash and Lipton concluded that monogamy among animals and people is not natural, they have been married, and faithful to each other for 31 years.
"It has been largely wonderful," Barash said. "The myth would be to say it's always been wonderful. But it certainly hasn't. It's been largely wonderful."
It's been wonderful for Haltzman and his wife as well.
"The benefit of being with one person is that you know that when you're making love to that person, what you have with that one individual is something that you have with no other person," Haltzman said.
Copyright © 2008 ABC News Internet Ventures
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
DO MARRIED MEN WANT EXTRAMARITAL SEX?
PSYCHIATRIST SEEKS ANSWER TO QUESTION:
Dr. Scott Haltzman, Brown University Psychiatrist And Author Seeks To Learn What the Average Man Would Do.
PROVIDENCE, RI – January 10, 2007 Brown University Psychiatrist and author, Dr. Scott Haltzman, has been researching relationships between husbands and wife for years. Now the author of the best-selling "The Secrets of Happily Married Men" has a different line of questioning.
Do happily married men want sex outside of marriage?
On an episode of “Curb Your Enthusiasm” Larry David’s wife gives him a “gift” of being able to have one-time sex with someone outside of the marriage. Do men want this?
That’s what Dr. Haltzman wants to know, and he’s asking married men from around the world to answer: If your wife gave you a present of a single night’s sex outside of marriage, without any negative consequences, would you take it?
Men can answer anonymously answer by going to: DrScott.com and clicking on the "ONE NIGHT STAND SURVEY" button. (The direct link is http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/infidelity_survey.html )
Dr. Haltzman has been advising men and women on how to have happy marriages for over a decade. He is available to talk on your radio show about issues on marriage, infidelity, and whether, and how, men and women can stay together for life despite their differences. He states: “Everyone hears that the solution to marital problems lies in communication, sharing feelings, and spending time together. But it’s rare you hear a marriage expert: ‘Have lots of sex!’” Dr. Haltzman finds that having good sexual relationships is as important as a good conversation, and it can be a lot more fun! “Sex is an important part of bonding emotionally,” says Haltzman, “and if you don’t get sex from your partner, where else ARE you going to get it?”
Dr. Scott Haltzman, Brown University Psychiatrist And Author Seeks To Learn What the Average Man Would Do.
PROVIDENCE, RI – January 10, 2007 Brown University Psychiatrist and author, Dr. Scott Haltzman, has been researching relationships between husbands and wife for years. Now the author of the best-selling "The Secrets of Happily Married Men" has a different line of questioning.
Do happily married men want sex outside of marriage?
On an episode of “Curb Your Enthusiasm” Larry David’s wife gives him a “gift” of being able to have one-time sex with someone outside of the marriage. Do men want this?
That’s what Dr. Haltzman wants to know, and he’s asking married men from around the world to answer: If your wife gave you a present of a single night’s sex outside of marriage, without any negative consequences, would you take it?
Men can answer anonymously answer by going to: DrScott.com and clicking on the "ONE NIGHT STAND SURVEY" button. (The direct link is http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/infidelity_survey.html )
Dr. Haltzman has been advising men and women on how to have happy marriages for over a decade. He is available to talk on your radio show about issues on marriage, infidelity, and whether, and how, men and women can stay together for life despite their differences. He states: “Everyone hears that the solution to marital problems lies in communication, sharing feelings, and spending time together. But it’s rare you hear a marriage expert: ‘Have lots of sex!’” Dr. Haltzman finds that having good sexual relationships is as important as a good conversation, and it can be a lot more fun! “Sex is an important part of bonding emotionally,” says Haltzman, “and if you don’t get sex from your partner, where else ARE you going to get it?”
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
Soldier Suicides and Love
A May 30, 2008, an AP Article (http://hosted.ap.org/dynamic/stories/M/MILITARY_SUICIDES?SITE=DCTMS&SECTION=HOME&TEMPLATE=DEFAULT&CTIME=2008-02-13-12-14-25) examined the startling fact that suicide rates among soldiers have increased to the military’s highest ever: a total of 115 in 2007. About one third killed themselves on the battlefield, but 26 percent had never been to war. Male soldiers committed 96 percent of these suicides.
It may seem unusual to discuss battlefield deaths in a blog that focuses on relationships and families, except for one dramatic finding. To quote the AP article: Fifty percent of soldiers who killed themselves had recently suffered a failed relationship with a spouse, girlfriend or other loved one.
Scary, isn’t it, that, in the face of life or death challenges of the military, or soldiers are dying from the effects of relationship problems? And, by the way, these are not men who have had a history of mental instability (at least not as far as anyone knew).
There are profound implications by these findings, first and foremost is the need for psychological resources for our soldiers. But there are more subtle considerations here that should be addressed. For all the women in the world (many of them have sat across from me in my office) who say, “My man can never express his feeling,” or “He’s just an emotional blank slate,” this startling finding of suicide among these young men tell a different story. Men do have feelings; sometimes they are so strong they can’t be described in words. Sadly, many of these young men expressed their feelings with the trigger of a gun aimed at themselves.
These findings also reinforce a strong belief on my part that men feel incapable of solving relationship problems because they are not taught skills to heal difficulties with their lovers. They can take apart and rebuild a rifle in two minutes, but they stand helpless in the face of an unraveling marriage. I believe men have the capacity to learn relationship skills, and their lives are in danger if they do not. Women need to help foster men’s loving, caring, and committed side, so that they can work with their men to have the lifelong relationship they are seeking.
It may seem unusual to discuss battlefield deaths in a blog that focuses on relationships and families, except for one dramatic finding. To quote the AP article: Fifty percent of soldiers who killed themselves had recently suffered a failed relationship with a spouse, girlfriend or other loved one.
Scary, isn’t it, that, in the face of life or death challenges of the military, or soldiers are dying from the effects of relationship problems? And, by the way, these are not men who have had a history of mental instability (at least not as far as anyone knew).
There are profound implications by these findings, first and foremost is the need for psychological resources for our soldiers. But there are more subtle considerations here that should be addressed. For all the women in the world (many of them have sat across from me in my office) who say, “My man can never express his feeling,” or “He’s just an emotional blank slate,” this startling finding of suicide among these young men tell a different story. Men do have feelings; sometimes they are so strong they can’t be described in words. Sadly, many of these young men expressed their feelings with the trigger of a gun aimed at themselves.
These findings also reinforce a strong belief on my part that men feel incapable of solving relationship problems because they are not taught skills to heal difficulties with their lovers. They can take apart and rebuild a rifle in two minutes, but they stand helpless in the face of an unraveling marriage. I believe men have the capacity to learn relationship skills, and their lives are in danger if they do not. Women need to help foster men’s loving, caring, and committed side, so that they can work with their men to have the lifelong relationship they are seeking.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
“The Secrets of Happy Families”
It’s crunch time for my upcoming book, “The Secrets of Happy Families.” It's due to the publishers in about two months. Theresa Foy DiGeronimo and I have been examining the data so far from the “Happy Family Survey.” I have to say that so far the data have been quite revealing in ways I hadn’t anticipated. I can’t reveal the findings yet, because I don’t want to affect the quality of the data that I have so far. But, if you haven’t had a chance to do the survey, and you’d like the chance to win a book, just go to:
http://www.surveymonkey.com/s.aspx?sm=PiKKDrBVn9q_2fLaqiAN0ztA_3d_3d
The whole survey takes about five minutes, and your information is very important to me.
http://www.surveymonkey.com/s.aspx?sm=PiKKDrBVn9q_2fLaqiAN0ztA_3d_3d
The whole survey takes about five minutes, and your information is very important to me.
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
A weekend at Woodloch
Over the past weekend I had an opportunity to do two presentations at “The Lodge at Woodloch,” a world-class spa hidden in the hills of Pennsylvania’s Pocono territory. This was really the first chance I had to get away with my wife in about two years. The experience was thoroughly relaxing. Susan and I enjoyed being together.
In my first talk, I addressed the “Secrets of Happily Married Men,” to an audience of men and women. I talked about the shift we men often make from courtship (you know…singing serenades outside your intended’s window, showing up at her doorstep with flowers in your hand and a smile on your face) to conquering the world (where you focus on making your mark in the workplace and securing a safe home for your family—maybe even putting a few dollars away for the kids’ college). The problem with this transition is that women feel like we’ve forgotten them! We haven’t of course; often men see their focus on earning a living as the ultimate in romantic gestures—the problem is that their wives often miss that intent. The lesson for men is: continue to court in ways that are meaningful for your wife. Occasionally, that includes serenades and sunflowers.
In my second talk, called “The Secrets of Happily Married Women,” I also spoke to couples. I felt like a mouthpiece for men in this talk, for as I’d tell women how deeply men love them, or how men feel tongue-tied in how they communicate their love, or how men want to make their wives happy, I saw knowing nods from men all around the room! A few even elbowed their wives as if to say, “That’s so true!” (Note to men: not a good idea to elbow your wife under any circumstances; they don’t like the sharp angles of flying joints!) We went over few tips to women on how to figure out how your guy functions. Most importantly, if you figure out what makes him tick and roll with it, try not to fight it, he’ll feel more like your go-to-guy. And when a man feels competent, he wants to do more and more for you.
My recommendation: Go to the The Lodge at Woodloch—it will be a good way to pamper your marriage, and yourself. Maybe you’ll catch me giving a talk there!
In my first talk, I addressed the “Secrets of Happily Married Men,” to an audience of men and women. I talked about the shift we men often make from courtship (you know…singing serenades outside your intended’s window, showing up at her doorstep with flowers in your hand and a smile on your face) to conquering the world (where you focus on making your mark in the workplace and securing a safe home for your family—maybe even putting a few dollars away for the kids’ college). The problem with this transition is that women feel like we’ve forgotten them! We haven’t of course; often men see their focus on earning a living as the ultimate in romantic gestures—the problem is that their wives often miss that intent. The lesson for men is: continue to court in ways that are meaningful for your wife. Occasionally, that includes serenades and sunflowers.
In my second talk, called “The Secrets of Happily Married Women,” I also spoke to couples. I felt like a mouthpiece for men in this talk, for as I’d tell women how deeply men love them, or how men feel tongue-tied in how they communicate their love, or how men want to make their wives happy, I saw knowing nods from men all around the room! A few even elbowed their wives as if to say, “That’s so true!” (Note to men: not a good idea to elbow your wife under any circumstances; they don’t like the sharp angles of flying joints!) We went over few tips to women on how to figure out how your guy functions. Most importantly, if you figure out what makes him tick and roll with it, try not to fight it, he’ll feel more like your go-to-guy. And when a man feels competent, he wants to do more and more for you.
My recommendation: Go to the The Lodge at Woodloch—it will be a good way to pamper your marriage, and yourself. Maybe you’ll catch me giving a talk there!
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Everybody’s Gotta Start Somewhere
I’m pleased to be an active member of the blogosphere, and hope that I’ll be able to make some contribution during my stay here in cyberuniverse.
Today, I’ll simply provide my bio. After that, an occasional musing.
Here’s what it says on my Website: www.DrScott.com
Scott Haltzman, M.D., is board certified in Psychiatry and is a Distinguished Fellow of the American Psychiatric Association. He is a graduate of Brown University class of 1982, and received his medical degree from the Brown Medical School in 1985. He completed his psychiatric training and chief residency at Yale University, and then moved back to Rhode Island with his wife and children. He is currently a Clinical Assistant Professor at Brown University Department of Psychiatry and Human Behavior and the Medical Director of NRI Community Services in Woonsocket, Rhode Island.
Dr. Haltzman has gained international recognition for his work in support of marriage and committed relationships. He has appeared on the Today Show, 20/20, Good Morning America, and in TIME Magazine, Glamour, Redbook, Parent's Magazine, Cosmopolitan, Men's Health, New York Times, Washington Post, Los Angeles Times, Chicago Tribune and local and national radio, TV and print.
Dr. Haltzman is a member of the "Love Network" of Redbook magazine, and is an editorial consultant of Best Life. He co-authored the chapter, "Men, Marriage and Divorce" in the American Psychiatric Press book: Men and Mental Health. He is an internationally recognized speaker, presenting at the Annual Smart Marriages conference and at the annual meeting of the American Psychiatric Association. In 2007, he was honored by the Women's Resource Center of Newport & Bristol Counties (Rhode Island) as one of 19 "Men who Make a Difference."
Dr. Haltzman is the founder and editor of DrScott.com and author of The Secrets of Happily Married Men and The Secrets of Happily Married Women. He is currently working on his third book, also with co-author Theresa Foy DiGeronimo, called The Secrets of Happy Families. You can contribute your own secrets by taking the “Happy Family Survey” at DrScott.com.
Today, I’ll simply provide my bio. After that, an occasional musing.
Here’s what it says on my Website: www.DrScott.com
Scott Haltzman, M.D., is board certified in Psychiatry and is a Distinguished Fellow of the American Psychiatric Association. He is a graduate of Brown University class of 1982, and received his medical degree from the Brown Medical School in 1985. He completed his psychiatric training and chief residency at Yale University, and then moved back to Rhode Island with his wife and children. He is currently a Clinical Assistant Professor at Brown University Department of Psychiatry and Human Behavior and the Medical Director of NRI Community Services in Woonsocket, Rhode Island.
Dr. Haltzman has gained international recognition for his work in support of marriage and committed relationships. He has appeared on the Today Show, 20/20, Good Morning America, and in TIME Magazine, Glamour, Redbook, Parent's Magazine, Cosmopolitan, Men's Health, New York Times, Washington Post, Los Angeles Times, Chicago Tribune and local and national radio, TV and print.
Dr. Haltzman is a member of the "Love Network" of Redbook magazine, and is an editorial consultant of Best Life. He co-authored the chapter, "Men, Marriage and Divorce" in the American Psychiatric Press book: Men and Mental Health. He is an internationally recognized speaker, presenting at the Annual Smart Marriages conference and at the annual meeting of the American Psychiatric Association. In 2007, he was honored by the Women's Resource Center of Newport & Bristol Counties (Rhode Island) as one of 19 "Men who Make a Difference."
Dr. Haltzman is the founder and editor of DrScott.com and author of The Secrets of Happily Married Men and The Secrets of Happily Married Women. He is currently working on his third book, also with co-author Theresa Foy DiGeronimo, called The Secrets of Happy Families. You can contribute your own secrets by taking the “Happy Family Survey” at DrScott.com.
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