In my "Secrets of Happy Families" book, I include a chapter called "Breathe." Unless we take care of ourselves, we can't take care of our families.
Ten Ways to Reduce Anxiety (That Don’t Involve Drugs)
1. Keep moving. Studies show that people who engage in regular physical exercise have lower levels of anxiety. A study of over 1000 men by Wales et al (2007) showed that those who participated in high-intensity leisure time activities had reduced levels of anxiety and depression five years later.
2. Hug! Physical contact increases levels of oxytocin, which is associated with calming and bonding. Just 20 seconds can significantly change your brain chemistry for the better.
3. Hum. Humming relaxes the vocal cords, and helps induce relaxation in the body. Sit quietly, making elongated vowel sounds (of either “M” or “N”). Do it before you have to talk to someone, and you’ll notice your voice sounds less stressed. A study of Pranayama (combination of yoga positions and breathing that includes humming) produced a significantly greater increase in perceptions of mental and physical energy and feelings of alertness and enthusiasm than either visualization or relaxation excercises.
4. Tense up your thigh! Progressive Muscle Relaxation, or Deep Muscle Relaxation, is a proven technique that psychologists teach in order to reduce anxiety. The technique involves tensing different muscle groups, and then allowing each muscle group to "let go." During the relaxation phase, calming chemicals are released into the bloodstream, reducing feelings of anxiety. However, if you don't have time to march through each of the muscle groups, your thighs and buttocks comprise the largest muscle group, and by tensing for a count of five seconds, then releasing, you can begin to feel some increased feelings of relaxation surge through your body.
5. Take a flight: visualization exercises allowed tobring to use its wonderful imagination in order to bring you to a place of tranquility and serenity. In order to use visualization, it's important to not only picture yourself in a place that's relaxing (such as a bathtub, the beach, or an ocean cruise line), but use your other senses, such as smell, hearing, taste and touch to bring your imagination to a place of comfort and repose.
6. Breathe: years ago, the Beatles promoted the use of transcendental meditation as a way to bring inner peace. New research has shown that many of the same physical and emotional benefits associated with transcendental meditation can be gained through simple breathing exercises. By learning how to control your breathing, you shift your attention from panic to peacefulness. The technique is simple, although it takes practice. .
When you have a moment to yourself, sit in a comfortable, quiet place. Breathe in deeply through the nose, using your diaphragm (the muscle under your ribcage), not your chest, to move the air. The intake of breath should be deliberate, and you should make a point of feeling the fresh, oxygenated and pure air enter your nose. As the intake breath lasts from four to six seconds, visualize the air filling your lungs. Hold for a second or two.
Then, through pursed lips (to make sure the air doesn’t rush out too quickly), slowly breath out, imagining that the exhaled air is expelling impurities and tension from your body. Again, breathe in the fresh, invigorating air, hold for a moment, and follow with a deliberate and slow release of the used air from your lungs.
If you do this breathing exercise for several minutes each day, you will learn to control your breathing during times of stress, and this will reduce the effects of the invasive stress hormones.
7. Distract: Anxiety will bother you a lot less if you don’t pay attention to it.
In studies of people who were anxious about exposure to snakes or spiders, their anxiety levels increased when they thought about possible exposure. Those who distracted themselves with activities managed to stay calmer.
Many people have anxiety reducers right I their pockets or pocketbooks—their cell phones. Playing a video game on your cell phone (such as bejeweled) can help distract your mind from the anxieties dwelling inside of you, and keep your attention sharp at the same time.
8. Reach out to friends. The best predictor of good emotional health is the number and quality of friends around you. People who are socially disconnected are between two and five times more likely to die from all kinds of illnesses. Having friends around you provides you with a sounding board, cheerleaders, and may help you to keep perspective. Their positive attitude toward you when you are feeling lack of confidence will help you to deal with your self-doubts.
9. Rethink things: When people are prone to anxiety, they tend to think of all the negative things that they are confronted with, and focus on that. Selectively paying attention to the bad makes you more prone to pessimism and anxiety. Thinking about possible good outcomes, and forcing yourself to consider the possibility that good things might also happen is part of a form of therapy called “Cognitive Behavioral Therapy” (CBT) Many studies comparing people who receive general supportive therapy, medication therapy and CBT shows that often CBT can work as well as medication. General supportive therapy, on the other hand, doesn’t work much better than placebo to help people recover from panic.
10. Delegate! Give your worries to someone else. You don’t have to own everything that you worry about. And you don’t have to take on the weight of the world. Making a list of the things that worry you is a good start to feeling less overwhelmed. Next, look at the list and see where others might pitch in. Perhaps your husband can pay the bills this month, or your kids can bring out the recyclables from the kitchen. Maybe your sister can arrange the family vacation this year (or a travel agent) rather than you having to be saddled with all the responsibilities. Remember, though, if you give up command of a problem that means you can’t expect everyone else to do it to your exacting standards. But letting go of exacting standards can be another way to reduce stress.
Monday, July 26, 2010
Monday, July 19, 2010
Guy TIme
How important is it to a man that his wife (or future wife) let him have his "guy time"?
Guy time is extremely valuable for a married man, but it’s not a right, it’s a privilege. By that I mean that men often assume that once they get married, they can pick up where they left off with their guy friends, anything from weekend golf to frequenting strip clubs.
Women want to know, first and foremost, that they are a priority. If he makes sure that she feels valued, then he can next begin to ask for what he needs, but not if she thinks that it’s her expense.
And what role does a woman play in this arrangement? She 1) should agree to listen to her husbands ideas for guy time without judgment, 2) should not choose for him what he does or whom it does it with [big caveat here—if it involves single guys picking up women, or using drugs or alcohol, then it’s fair game for a wife to say “no”] 3) should agree specifically what the activity will and how long it will last, 4) agree how and when to “check in,” and not randomly call and text 5) help her husband succeed at getting it right—work with him to set his cell phone alarm for when he turns into a pumpkin and then 6) greet him warmly when he comes home.
Try adding a little guy time to a husband's marriage. It will benefit both of you!
Guy time is extremely valuable for a married man, but it’s not a right, it’s a privilege. By that I mean that men often assume that once they get married, they can pick up where they left off with their guy friends, anything from weekend golf to frequenting strip clubs.
Women want to know, first and foremost, that they are a priority. If he makes sure that she feels valued, then he can next begin to ask for what he needs, but not if she thinks that it’s her expense.
And what role does a woman play in this arrangement? She 1) should agree to listen to her husbands ideas for guy time without judgment, 2) should not choose for him what he does or whom it does it with [big caveat here—if it involves single guys picking up women, or using drugs or alcohol, then it’s fair game for a wife to say “no”] 3) should agree specifically what the activity will and how long it will last, 4) agree how and when to “check in,” and not randomly call and text 5) help her husband succeed at getting it right—work with him to set his cell phone alarm for when he turns into a pumpkin and then 6) greet him warmly when he comes home.
Try adding a little guy time to a husband's marriage. It will benefit both of you!
Monday, July 5, 2010
One talk, different marriages
Recently I gave a talk called "The Secrets of Happily Married Couples" to an audience of about ten couples at a small, but luxurious, Pocono resort known as The Lodge at Woodloch. As is typically the case in these spa lectures, the talks tend to be intimate and can get very in depth. All but three of the couples had children who were between the ages of five and seventeen. One of the other couples, still in their 20s, had been married for two years; two other couples, I would guess, had been married about thirty years.
It became clear to me, as the group chimed in with questions and began to describe their own experiences, that I couldn't lump together "marriage" in a way that would mean the same thing for everyone in my audience. To the young childless couple marriage may represent a world of boundless possibilities, mutual giving, satisfying long walks and quite moments of reflection. To the family with school age children, marriage means dealing with heavy work loads outside the home compounded by the strains of rearing kids. They may be working through compromises on everything from whether the children should be permitted to sleep over at a friend's home, to whether they should be allowed to quit piano lessons. The couples with adult children seemed to take all this in, and hardly seemed ruffled by the struggles of their younger attendees.
Although a small sample, I was impressed with how this group represented three phases of marriage, and highlighting the unique challenges that face a marriage with children in the home. The take home message from watching these couples is that many marriages (I would venture to say almost EVERY marriage) begin in a blissful phase, and then undergo stages of extreme duress. But at the tail end of this experience are those calmer, long-married couples who have managed to raise a family and push though the tough times, and to come out feeling great not only about the outcome, but about the fact that they got there together!
Remember, the success of the long-married couples wasn't due to good luck, and wasn't because their marriage was any less troubled than average, it's that they stuck it out and learned from each other (and demonstrated to their children) how to have a great marriage.
It became clear to me, as the group chimed in with questions and began to describe their own experiences, that I couldn't lump together "marriage" in a way that would mean the same thing for everyone in my audience. To the young childless couple marriage may represent a world of boundless possibilities, mutual giving, satisfying long walks and quite moments of reflection. To the family with school age children, marriage means dealing with heavy work loads outside the home compounded by the strains of rearing kids. They may be working through compromises on everything from whether the children should be permitted to sleep over at a friend's home, to whether they should be allowed to quit piano lessons. The couples with adult children seemed to take all this in, and hardly seemed ruffled by the struggles of their younger attendees.
Although a small sample, I was impressed with how this group represented three phases of marriage, and highlighting the unique challenges that face a marriage with children in the home. The take home message from watching these couples is that many marriages (I would venture to say almost EVERY marriage) begin in a blissful phase, and then undergo stages of extreme duress. But at the tail end of this experience are those calmer, long-married couples who have managed to raise a family and push though the tough times, and to come out feeling great not only about the outcome, but about the fact that they got there together!
Remember, the success of the long-married couples wasn't due to good luck, and wasn't because their marriage was any less troubled than average, it's that they stuck it out and learned from each other (and demonstrated to their children) how to have a great marriage.
Friday, June 18, 2010
Boys, Girls and Parents: Q & A
What’s the long term impact on boys of being in an environment where their natural way of doing things is often seen as the “wrong” way?
Research shows that boys tend to have their brains develop differently than girls, and it’s not uncommon for boys to be more competitive, action oriented and even aggressive when they interact with their environment. Often, social norms we construct around boys values things like cooperative (rather than competitive) play, and quiet, introspective work rather than rowdy and chaotic exploration of the world around. When boys consistently get the message that the way they do things is wrong, it promotes a feeling of frustration in boys. It also causes some identify confusion. By correctly being told that a boys way of doing things is normal, but must be channeled in more acceptable ways, we help boys become more mature and responsible. If, instead, as many parents and teachers do, tell boys that they are abnormal in their mode of self expression, than it causes boys to feel like they cannot own who they are. They feel forced to be someone different, and often cannot reconcile the “ideal” boy with the “real” boy. When a boy can’t properly learn how to channel these masculine traits, he may be more prone to poor relationships with his peers, and with women in general.
-What can women (mothers, teachers) do to work with boys natures while still maintaining an environment where boys are responsible?
Determine how your boy functions, how he solves problems, how he likes to play, and how he sees the world. Than acknowledge the validity of his feelings, and provide an environment where he can have free unstructured play so he can express his style. Harming others is not acceptable, of course, so it’s reasonable to set limits, even at times to say that things are “wrong.” Think of the following scenario—if your child breaks down in tears, you would most likely stop and ask, “What’s wrong,” then try to help your child feel better, solve the problem, or at least provide support. What parents sometimes don’t appreciate is that anger or aggression may be to a boy what tears may be for a girl; a parent or teacher should respond the same way, and not assume that the child is being bad.
Letting a boy be a boy is a great way to teach responsibility and limits; it’s just important to validate, not criticize a boy for his behavior.
-Should we be communicating with boys differently? If so, how?
Boys tend to be more action oriented, and often have difficulty sitting down motionless and maintaining eye contact. Sometimes it helps to be engaged in mutual “side by side” activity when having a talk with a boy. When you address boys, don’t treat the discussion like a conversation; treat it more like a billboard. In other words, get your point out front, then make sure he understands. Don’t elaborate or explain unless he asks. Boys are more distractible than girls, so make sure that he gets your point. Because boys tend to be more competitive, it helps if there are challenges or rewards involved in a request, it engages his imagination more. Also, be direct about what you want. For instance, starting a request with “I bet you can’t take out 2 cans of garbage in less than 2 minutes,” may be met with more success than saying “I’m upset that you never take out the garbage,” which, you’ll notice, doesn’t actually include an appeal to do anything!
Research shows that boys tend to have their brains develop differently than girls, and it’s not uncommon for boys to be more competitive, action oriented and even aggressive when they interact with their environment. Often, social norms we construct around boys values things like cooperative (rather than competitive) play, and quiet, introspective work rather than rowdy and chaotic exploration of the world around. When boys consistently get the message that the way they do things is wrong, it promotes a feeling of frustration in boys. It also causes some identify confusion. By correctly being told that a boys way of doing things is normal, but must be channeled in more acceptable ways, we help boys become more mature and responsible. If, instead, as many parents and teachers do, tell boys that they are abnormal in their mode of self expression, than it causes boys to feel like they cannot own who they are. They feel forced to be someone different, and often cannot reconcile the “ideal” boy with the “real” boy. When a boy can’t properly learn how to channel these masculine traits, he may be more prone to poor relationships with his peers, and with women in general.
-What can women (mothers, teachers) do to work with boys natures while still maintaining an environment where boys are responsible?
Determine how your boy functions, how he solves problems, how he likes to play, and how he sees the world. Than acknowledge the validity of his feelings, and provide an environment where he can have free unstructured play so he can express his style. Harming others is not acceptable, of course, so it’s reasonable to set limits, even at times to say that things are “wrong.” Think of the following scenario—if your child breaks down in tears, you would most likely stop and ask, “What’s wrong,” then try to help your child feel better, solve the problem, or at least provide support. What parents sometimes don’t appreciate is that anger or aggression may be to a boy what tears may be for a girl; a parent or teacher should respond the same way, and not assume that the child is being bad.
Letting a boy be a boy is a great way to teach responsibility and limits; it’s just important to validate, not criticize a boy for his behavior.
-Should we be communicating with boys differently? If so, how?
Boys tend to be more action oriented, and often have difficulty sitting down motionless and maintaining eye contact. Sometimes it helps to be engaged in mutual “side by side” activity when having a talk with a boy. When you address boys, don’t treat the discussion like a conversation; treat it more like a billboard. In other words, get your point out front, then make sure he understands. Don’t elaborate or explain unless he asks. Boys are more distractible than girls, so make sure that he gets your point. Because boys tend to be more competitive, it helps if there are challenges or rewards involved in a request, it engages his imagination more. Also, be direct about what you want. For instance, starting a request with “I bet you can’t take out 2 cans of garbage in less than 2 minutes,” may be met with more success than saying “I’m upset that you never take out the garbage,” which, you’ll notice, doesn’t actually include an appeal to do anything!
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Issues in family happiness (Part II)
What are the eight strategies to fuel connection and contentment?
Stick Together—Know your core values and work together to set a course for happiness that includes everyone in the home.
Commit and Communicate—Children feel more secure when they know that parents are committed to stay together. Using good communication seals the deal!
Lean—You don't have to do it all on your own. Reaching out to others makes you and your family sturdier and steadier.
Teach to and Learn from Children—Parenting takes patience, but while you're teaching your children, they're teaching you!
Blend—Grouping and regrouping with step-, adopted, and foster families isn't always smooth, but the process can enrich everyone involved.
Handle Conflict—Knowing how to master conflict can lead to a more cohesive family.
Bounce—Healthy families know how to rebound from adversity and grow stronger in the process.
Breathe—Making time for fun, adventure, and rituals sets the stage for a loving family over a lifetime.
What's the key tool to use to put your principles into practice? Can anyone do it?
It may be more difficult than for some people than others to put these principles into practice because, in fact, some people may not have had a good model for their own childhood. My belief is that it comes more naturally when you yourself have grown up and nurturing environment. Part of the point of this book is to help foster that kind of environment for every child in every home. It takes patience, and the ability to delay gratification, as well as a necessity to make some compromises. Moreover, it's simply not that easy to raise a child, and having children will frequently increase the amount of tension between two adults. Growing your family in the direction of a contented and connected clan does take work, but over the long run the quality of your life and the quality of your children's lives will improve.
What's the key to handling conflict and handling every day crisis?
Times of conflict are often about power struggles, with each party struggling to be the one whose voice is heard loudest. The most important element to solving conflict is the ability to listen to the other party. Just by the act of listening you are reducing that person’s need to fight to make his or her feelings known. When he or she feels heard, he or she becomes much more receptive to your point of view. The ability to listen, reflect back to the person in a non-judgment way, show willingness to learn new information, and treating the person whom you’re interacting respectfully all lead to less conflict and a better sense of shared purpose.
Best piece of advice you can offer parents...
You're in charge!
Stick Together—Know your core values and work together to set a course for happiness that includes everyone in the home.
Commit and Communicate—Children feel more secure when they know that parents are committed to stay together. Using good communication seals the deal!
Lean—You don't have to do it all on your own. Reaching out to others makes you and your family sturdier and steadier.
Teach to and Learn from Children—Parenting takes patience, but while you're teaching your children, they're teaching you!
Blend—Grouping and regrouping with step-, adopted, and foster families isn't always smooth, but the process can enrich everyone involved.
Handle Conflict—Knowing how to master conflict can lead to a more cohesive family.
Bounce—Healthy families know how to rebound from adversity and grow stronger in the process.
Breathe—Making time for fun, adventure, and rituals sets the stage for a loving family over a lifetime.
What's the key tool to use to put your principles into practice? Can anyone do it?
It may be more difficult than for some people than others to put these principles into practice because, in fact, some people may not have had a good model for their own childhood. My belief is that it comes more naturally when you yourself have grown up and nurturing environment. Part of the point of this book is to help foster that kind of environment for every child in every home. It takes patience, and the ability to delay gratification, as well as a necessity to make some compromises. Moreover, it's simply not that easy to raise a child, and having children will frequently increase the amount of tension between two adults. Growing your family in the direction of a contented and connected clan does take work, but over the long run the quality of your life and the quality of your children's lives will improve.
What's the key to handling conflict and handling every day crisis?
Times of conflict are often about power struggles, with each party struggling to be the one whose voice is heard loudest. The most important element to solving conflict is the ability to listen to the other party. Just by the act of listening you are reducing that person’s need to fight to make his or her feelings known. When he or she feels heard, he or she becomes much more receptive to your point of view. The ability to listen, reflect back to the person in a non-judgment way, show willingness to learn new information, and treating the person whom you’re interacting respectfully all lead to less conflict and a better sense of shared purpose.
Best piece of advice you can offer parents...
You're in charge!
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Issues in family happiness (Part I)
What is happening with families today and how is the nature of families is changing?
One of the changes of greatest impact that is happening in our society and in families today has to do with the migration of families away from their communities of origin, and the sense of estrangement and alienation that people are having from others within new communities.
What is the ultimate secret to a happy successful family? Why is this so important?The ultimate secret to a happy and successful family is the capacity to understand the core values that define that family, and live according to those values and beliefs. Consider the saying "ask yourself not: ‘Am I doing things right’ but ‘am I do in the right thing.’” Knowing the general direction that you are going, and how that integrates with your relationship with the family and the community that you live in, is essential to maintaining balance and your life.
Why is this information important at this time of uncertainty?
We are flooded by the media and inundated by a vast information overload, all of which asks us to constantly shift and change our behaviors in order to achieve happiness. But happiness doesn't come from having more channels on your cable television or more layers on your burrito. It comes from behaving in a way that honors your real self, and gives you a sense of purpose in the community.
How does financial, personal stress impact families, especially kids?
Difficult financial times and personal stress can be extremely difficult for families, by my study suggests that, rather than destroy families and tear them apart, such tumultuous times can actually lead to an improvement in family cohesion, because, at the very least, it removes many of the artificial "fillers" that distract you from your core values,
What are the benefits of a happy family?
Happy families benefit by feeling the support of their family members. They have a better sense of the bigger picture, and are less likely to be selfish. During difficult financial times they're more likely to have the support of other family members who are not hard hit by bad economic times. There able to experience more joy by being together, and better able to deal with conflict outside of the family because of their ability to deal with it inside the family.
One of the changes of greatest impact that is happening in our society and in families today has to do with the migration of families away from their communities of origin, and the sense of estrangement and alienation that people are having from others within new communities.
What is the ultimate secret to a happy successful family? Why is this so important?The ultimate secret to a happy and successful family is the capacity to understand the core values that define that family, and live according to those values and beliefs. Consider the saying "ask yourself not: ‘Am I doing things right’ but ‘am I do in the right thing.’” Knowing the general direction that you are going, and how that integrates with your relationship with the family and the community that you live in, is essential to maintaining balance and your life.
Why is this information important at this time of uncertainty?
We are flooded by the media and inundated by a vast information overload, all of which asks us to constantly shift and change our behaviors in order to achieve happiness. But happiness doesn't come from having more channels on your cable television or more layers on your burrito. It comes from behaving in a way that honors your real self, and gives you a sense of purpose in the community.
How does financial, personal stress impact families, especially kids?
Difficult financial times and personal stress can be extremely difficult for families, by my study suggests that, rather than destroy families and tear them apart, such tumultuous times can actually lead to an improvement in family cohesion, because, at the very least, it removes many of the artificial "fillers" that distract you from your core values,
What are the benefits of a happy family?
Happy families benefit by feeling the support of their family members. They have a better sense of the bigger picture, and are less likely to be selfish. During difficult financial times they're more likely to have the support of other family members who are not hard hit by bad economic times. There able to experience more joy by being together, and better able to deal with conflict outside of the family because of their ability to deal with it inside the family.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
What if one of you wants a baby? Interview
Great Post on That's Fit
Maybe he's collecting booties and you're dreaming about backpacking through South America. Or maybe you're looking enviably into every stroller you pass while he's window shopping for big-screen TVs. Should you start poking holes in your diaphragm or just call it quits? What happens when one partner wants kids and the other doesn't? We asked Dr. Scott Haltzman, a psychiatrist and the author of The Secrets of Happy Families, to discuss some of the issues involved and offer some tips on what you can do.
Q: If you want a baby and your partner doesn't, where can you start? Are those reconcilable positions?
A: It depends on how you define "partner." If your current partner doesn't want to have kids, but it's not the partner you plan on having for life, that can work really well. One might even argue that it's the best thing. But if it's a life partner with whom you are working together to form plans about the future, then it is a pivotal issue. Not everybody that wants to have a child ends up having a child. Sometimes it's just because of someone's social situation or it's due to infertility -- but the inability to have a child doesn't keep couples from connecting even if they want a child. But when one person wants a child and the other person doesn't, it becomes a built-up resentment because one person feels like their partner is preventing them from accomplishing a life dream, or the other partner feels like they're being forced into something that goes against their wishes.
Q: Can you bring someone around to your point of view, or is it dangerous to even try?
A: Usually in these situations, the person who ends up coming around is the one who doesn't want a child. People don't usually have a dream of having no children; it's a lifestyle choice. Often, they'll be able to say that it was a positive thing and they were glad that they did it. Research shows us that people are happier when they do something and then live with the consequences versus when they don't do something and then imagine all of the what ifs? If someone acquiesces and agrees not to have a child, they'll always wonder about the what ifs.
Q: If somebody is perfect for you in every way except this one, should you view this as a deal breaker?
A: It's not necessarily a deal breaker, but it's definitely a discussion maker. It needs to be explored a little bit deeper. The discussion usually has to be framed as "Why do you not want to have a child?" because how far can you go with "Why do you want to have a child?" So much of that stuff is just a biological imperative. If you listen to the reasons and it seems like they're temporal - like, I don't have a job or I don't feel stable enough or good enough about who I am as a person - then you might be able to look at it as a phase they're at in this stage of life and it doesn't mean they'll never want to have kids. But if someone says that it's not a change they're willing to make ever, then it absolutely is a deal breaker.
Q: Is this something you should discuss fairly early in a relationship?
A: I wouldn't say very early -- it's definitely uncool to do it on the first date. But the topic should come up at some point -- like, "I notice that you're really good with your nephew; do you ever think of having children of your own?"
Q: Is it more common that women want children and men resist?
A: Assuming they're a young couple that's trying to decide their future together, it's usually men who are reluctant to have children. One of the reasons might be that men tend to view life as more of a struggle. Two, men tend to be drawn more to recreational behaviours that don't involve children and they recognize that having a child will pull them away from the things they do for enjoyment. And third, men recognize that bringing a child into the fold will mean that they're going to have less of their wife's attention. A very small percentage of men are also wary of some of the changes pregnancy can bring in a woman's body.
Once couples decide to marry, they've already made the decision to be together. The challenge at that point isn't deciding that you're not compatible; the challenge is deciding how you can live together, care for each other and be by each other's side even if your partner isn't able to make all of your dreams come true.
Maybe he's collecting booties and you're dreaming about backpacking through South America. Or maybe you're looking enviably into every stroller you pass while he's window shopping for big-screen TVs. Should you start poking holes in your diaphragm or just call it quits? What happens when one partner wants kids and the other doesn't? We asked Dr. Scott Haltzman, a psychiatrist and the author of The Secrets of Happy Families, to discuss some of the issues involved and offer some tips on what you can do.
Q: If you want a baby and your partner doesn't, where can you start? Are those reconcilable positions?
A: It depends on how you define "partner." If your current partner doesn't want to have kids, but it's not the partner you plan on having for life, that can work really well. One might even argue that it's the best thing. But if it's a life partner with whom you are working together to form plans about the future, then it is a pivotal issue. Not everybody that wants to have a child ends up having a child. Sometimes it's just because of someone's social situation or it's due to infertility -- but the inability to have a child doesn't keep couples from connecting even if they want a child. But when one person wants a child and the other person doesn't, it becomes a built-up resentment because one person feels like their partner is preventing them from accomplishing a life dream, or the other partner feels like they're being forced into something that goes against their wishes.
Q: Can you bring someone around to your point of view, or is it dangerous to even try?
A: Usually in these situations, the person who ends up coming around is the one who doesn't want a child. People don't usually have a dream of having no children; it's a lifestyle choice. Often, they'll be able to say that it was a positive thing and they were glad that they did it. Research shows us that people are happier when they do something and then live with the consequences versus when they don't do something and then imagine all of the what ifs? If someone acquiesces and agrees not to have a child, they'll always wonder about the what ifs.
Q: If somebody is perfect for you in every way except this one, should you view this as a deal breaker?
A: It's not necessarily a deal breaker, but it's definitely a discussion maker. It needs to be explored a little bit deeper. The discussion usually has to be framed as "Why do you not want to have a child?" because how far can you go with "Why do you want to have a child?" So much of that stuff is just a biological imperative. If you listen to the reasons and it seems like they're temporal - like, I don't have a job or I don't feel stable enough or good enough about who I am as a person - then you might be able to look at it as a phase they're at in this stage of life and it doesn't mean they'll never want to have kids. But if someone says that it's not a change they're willing to make ever, then it absolutely is a deal breaker.
Q: Is this something you should discuss fairly early in a relationship?
A: I wouldn't say very early -- it's definitely uncool to do it on the first date. But the topic should come up at some point -- like, "I notice that you're really good with your nephew; do you ever think of having children of your own?"
Q: Is it more common that women want children and men resist?
A: Assuming they're a young couple that's trying to decide their future together, it's usually men who are reluctant to have children. One of the reasons might be that men tend to view life as more of a struggle. Two, men tend to be drawn more to recreational behaviours that don't involve children and they recognize that having a child will pull them away from the things they do for enjoyment. And third, men recognize that bringing a child into the fold will mean that they're going to have less of their wife's attention. A very small percentage of men are also wary of some of the changes pregnancy can bring in a woman's body.
Once couples decide to marry, they've already made the decision to be together. The challenge at that point isn't deciding that you're not compatible; the challenge is deciding how you can live together, care for each other and be by each other's side even if your partner isn't able to make all of your dreams come true.
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