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Monday, October 12, 2009
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
The Good Wife engages in Domestic Violence
Like many in the marriage community, I am eager to see what becomes of the fictional characters who suffer from infidelity portrayed in TV series "The Good Wife." But I must comment on the advertisements for the show, and fashion in which the show is described in the advanced publicity.
When the female character portrayed by Julianna Margulies finds out her husband is having an affair during a news conference, she "'snap[s] out of it' and slap[s] him hard," do you think viewers are likely to respond with "You go girl!"? Here's the bottom line: Slapping your partner across the face is a form of physical violence. Don't believe me? Imagine watching a commercial of a man who found out his wife was having an affair-- and he responds by slapping HER hard across the face! There would be no sympathy (nor should there be) for that man. As marriage educators, we should in no way accept such violence--man on woman or woman on man--as the natural course of marital problems or simply entertainment. And we should speak out when domestic violence is glorified on TV!
When the female character portrayed by Julianna Margulies finds out her husband is having an affair during a news conference, she "'snap[s] out of it' and slap[s] him hard," do you think viewers are likely to respond with "You go girl!"? Here's the bottom line: Slapping your partner across the face is a form of physical violence. Don't believe me? Imagine watching a commercial of a man who found out his wife was having an affair-- and he responds by slapping HER hard across the face! There would be no sympathy (nor should there be) for that man. As marriage educators, we should in no way accept such violence--man on woman or woman on man--as the natural course of marital problems or simply entertainment. And we should speak out when domestic violence is glorified on TV!
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Happiness in Hawaii
I was playing tennis with a friend, who was very excited after his return from a 2-week family trip to Hawaii. He spoke about the beautiful sunsets, the spectacular clean beaches, the natural settings and the kind people.
But what he remembered most was “hearts.”
Every night, Dan and his family took out a deck of cards, and committed at least a half-hour to a continuous game of hearts. Maybe Dan liked it because, after 2 weeks of playing, his score was the lowest (that’s the objective of hearts). But I suspect that it was something more. Despite the nice rental condos, the extravagant nightly luaus and the breathtaking scenery, it was the time that he spent connecting with his family that Dan looks to as a key to having a great experience with his clan.
With the barrage of media messages saying that happiness can be bought by upgrades in cell phones or the purchase of a new car, it’s instructive to see how simple activities can bond people together more strongly. And it doesn’t help that it was in Hawaii!
But what he remembered most was “hearts.”
Every night, Dan and his family took out a deck of cards, and committed at least a half-hour to a continuous game of hearts. Maybe Dan liked it because, after 2 weeks of playing, his score was the lowest (that’s the objective of hearts). But I suspect that it was something more. Despite the nice rental condos, the extravagant nightly luaus and the breathtaking scenery, it was the time that he spent connecting with his family that Dan looks to as a key to having a great experience with his clan.
With the barrage of media messages saying that happiness can be bought by upgrades in cell phones or the purchase of a new car, it’s instructive to see how simple activities can bond people together more strongly. And it doesn’t help that it was in Hawaii!
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Coming to Ohio
A happy marriage could be
one seminar away
By Kim Margolis, Staff Writer
7:59 PM Friday, August 14, 2009
Want a happy marriage? Attending a meeting by a nationally-known relationship expert could be a start.
Dr. Scott Haltzman is the author of “The Secrets of Happily Married Men, The Secrets of Happily Married Women and The Secrets of Happy Families.”
Marriage Works! Ohio is bringing him to Dayton on Saturday, Sept. 12, for a discussion on “Happily Married, Fact or Fiction.” The event will be held from 6:30 to 9 p.m.
Shauntay Alexander, event planner for Marriage! Works, said Haltzman will talk about helping couples cope with the reality of marriage instead of dwelling on the expectations.
“A lot of times reality doesn’t meet what those expectations were and he’ll talk about how to move past that and learn to be happy and to have a healthy relationship,” Alexander said.
The discussion will also aim to dispel stereotypes that women look for a husband who will do everything for them and husbands just look for sex.
The meeting is for married couples of all ages at any point in their marriage. And it’s for people who aren’t yet married.
“When you are dating, you do have those preconceived ideas,” she said. “It’s perfect or even more beneficial for them to come.”
Tickets are $15 and include a copy of “The Secrets of Happily Married Men” and a dessert buffet, in case you’re having trouble getting your partner to attend.
Scott is a contributor to Redbook magazine and also has a Web site, DrScott.com, which offers relationship advice.
Marriage Works! Ohio is a Dayton-based organization that works to help build healthy families. It is funded through federal agencies.
Find this article at:
http://www.daytondailynews.com/lifestyle/a-happy-marriage-could-be-one-seminar-away-249924.htm
By Kim Margolis, Staff Writer
7:59 PM Friday, August 14, 2009
Want a happy marriage? Attending a meeting by a nationally-known relationship expert could be a start.
Dr. Scott Haltzman is the author of “The Secrets of Happily Married Men, The Secrets of Happily Married Women and The Secrets of Happy Families.”
Marriage Works! Ohio is bringing him to Dayton on Saturday, Sept. 12, for a discussion on “Happily Married, Fact or Fiction.” The event will be held from 6:30 to 9 p.m.
Shauntay Alexander, event planner for Marriage! Works, said Haltzman will talk about helping couples cope with the reality of marriage instead of dwelling on the expectations.
“A lot of times reality doesn’t meet what those expectations were and he’ll talk about how to move past that and learn to be happy and to have a healthy relationship,” Alexander said.
The discussion will also aim to dispel stereotypes that women look for a husband who will do everything for them and husbands just look for sex.
The meeting is for married couples of all ages at any point in their marriage. And it’s for people who aren’t yet married.
“When you are dating, you do have those preconceived ideas,” she said. “It’s perfect or even more beneficial for them to come.”
Tickets are $15 and include a copy of “The Secrets of Happily Married Men” and a dessert buffet, in case you’re having trouble getting your partner to attend.
Scott is a contributor to Redbook magazine and also has a Web site, DrScott.com, which offers relationship advice.
Marriage Works! Ohio is a Dayton-based organization that works to help build healthy families. It is funded through federal agencies.
Find this article at:
http://www.daytondailynews.com/lifestyle/a-happy-marriage-could-be-one-seminar-away-249924.htm
Sunday, July 19, 2009
The gift of Zucchini
The gardens are green and prolific. One of the things I enjoy most about this time of the year is how my raspberry bushes, Zucchini plants and bean vines begin to produce more that my family or I can eat. That means it’s time to share with my neighbors.
I’ll be truthful, I’m not the world’s best at giving gifts. I mean to. I think, “I really ought to get a gift for my co-workers for their showers, or for my mailman for his birthday.” I do generally remember my wife, and, truth be told, I rely on my wife to get most (read: all) of the gifts for my children. But, no, when it comes to packing things into neat little boxes and slapping paper and a ribbon around them, I’m just downright rotten.
But my vegetable garden permits me to connect with my friends and community in ways that make gift giving a thing of ease. I bubble over with enthusiasm when I find a giant zucchini (where had it been hiding yesterday when I picked the other two?!) and ask myself which of my neighbors gets it. I like passing a few cucumbers over the fence to my neighbor. In just a few weeks, I’m sure that I’ll be bringing tomatoes door-to-door.
In my newest book, "The Secrets of Happy Families," I write that one of the fundamental factors contributing to a happy and healthy family is developing a close sense of community with your neighbors, especially if you live a distance from your family of origin. Because Susan and I are far enough away from our parents and siblings, we try to include those around us in our circle of “surrogate family.” And sharing the fruits of my garden is one way of expressing my appreciation to those neighbors who unknowingly volunteered for their roles in our lives. Maybe I’ll tie a ribbon on a zucchini the next time I give one away…
I’ll be truthful, I’m not the world’s best at giving gifts. I mean to. I think, “I really ought to get a gift for my co-workers for their showers, or for my mailman for his birthday.” I do generally remember my wife, and, truth be told, I rely on my wife to get most (read: all) of the gifts for my children. But, no, when it comes to packing things into neat little boxes and slapping paper and a ribbon around them, I’m just downright rotten.
But my vegetable garden permits me to connect with my friends and community in ways that make gift giving a thing of ease. I bubble over with enthusiasm when I find a giant zucchini (where had it been hiding yesterday when I picked the other two?!) and ask myself which of my neighbors gets it. I like passing a few cucumbers over the fence to my neighbor. In just a few weeks, I’m sure that I’ll be bringing tomatoes door-to-door.
In my newest book, "The Secrets of Happy Families," I write that one of the fundamental factors contributing to a happy and healthy family is developing a close sense of community with your neighbors, especially if you live a distance from your family of origin. Because Susan and I are far enough away from our parents and siblings, we try to include those around us in our circle of “surrogate family.” And sharing the fruits of my garden is one way of expressing my appreciation to those neighbors who unknowingly volunteered for their roles in our lives. Maybe I’ll tie a ribbon on a zucchini the next time I give one away…
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Rachel Ray and Marriage Advice
Don’t mess with her food, dude.
I don’t usually watch daytime television during the week, but I was home sick recently. Susan tuned into “Rachel Ray,” where a newly engaged couple were invited to discuss a domestic problem.
Here’s what’s at issue. The guy loves food and loves cooking, and comes from an Italian family where extra garlic, wine and spices are the keys to good food. As his fiancée explained, he was in disbelief when he first saw her open up a bottle of factory-made sauce for the first (and last!) time. So the guy sneaks into the kitchen and changes the recipe to meet his tastes. She’s not happy about it, and called Rachel for advice.
Rachel invites her hubby on the show—also a chef—and they discuss the issue. Point that Mr. Ray makes is “don’t mess with her food, dude.” The point that Rachel makes is that preparing a meal is an act of love, so correcting culinary technique is akin to rejecting love.
All smiles and nods, and Dr. Ray saves the day!!
But not so fast, says Dr. Scott. The advice sounds great, and inarguable. But it’s not the whole answer.
Here’s the problem with that perspective. Yes, to the woman in question, it is an issue of “love”, but to the man in question, it’s really an issue of “food.” He’d like a certain type of quality to his food, and, if he’s going to enjoy it, why shouldn’t he make suggestions about what brings him pleasure. Part of being a loving spouse is to figure out what makes the mate happy as an act of love, not “decide” for the spouse what happiness is.
Let me give you an example. If I go out to my wife’s garden and tear up all of her azalea bushes and plan rose bushes, should I expect her to be happy with me just because I’m doing it “with love.” If we pull into the Exxon station and my wife offers to fill up my 6-cylinder car with regular (instead of premium) gas, should I NOT step in and correct her actions if what she’s doing it as an act of love?
Here’s the bottom line: When your partner tries to steer you in a direction different than where you wanted to go, don’t take it personally, and allow him or her to help you make them happier. You'll both be happier.
I don’t usually watch daytime television during the week, but I was home sick recently. Susan tuned into “Rachel Ray,” where a newly engaged couple were invited to discuss a domestic problem.
Here’s what’s at issue. The guy loves food and loves cooking, and comes from an Italian family where extra garlic, wine and spices are the keys to good food. As his fiancée explained, he was in disbelief when he first saw her open up a bottle of factory-made sauce for the first (and last!) time. So the guy sneaks into the kitchen and changes the recipe to meet his tastes. She’s not happy about it, and called Rachel for advice.
Rachel invites her hubby on the show—also a chef—and they discuss the issue. Point that Mr. Ray makes is “don’t mess with her food, dude.” The point that Rachel makes is that preparing a meal is an act of love, so correcting culinary technique is akin to rejecting love.
All smiles and nods, and Dr. Ray saves the day!!
But not so fast, says Dr. Scott. The advice sounds great, and inarguable. But it’s not the whole answer.
Here’s the problem with that perspective. Yes, to the woman in question, it is an issue of “love”, but to the man in question, it’s really an issue of “food.” He’d like a certain type of quality to his food, and, if he’s going to enjoy it, why shouldn’t he make suggestions about what brings him pleasure. Part of being a loving spouse is to figure out what makes the mate happy as an act of love, not “decide” for the spouse what happiness is.
Let me give you an example. If I go out to my wife’s garden and tear up all of her azalea bushes and plan rose bushes, should I expect her to be happy with me just because I’m doing it “with love.” If we pull into the Exxon station and my wife offers to fill up my 6-cylinder car with regular (instead of premium) gas, should I NOT step in and correct her actions if what she’s doing it as an act of love?
Here’s the bottom line: When your partner tries to steer you in a direction different than where you wanted to go, don’t take it personally, and allow him or her to help you make them happier. You'll both be happier.
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