Rachel Ray and Marriage Advice

Don’t mess with her food, dude.

I don’t usually watch daytime television during the week, but I was home sick recently. Susan tuned into “Rachel Ray,” where a newly engaged couple were invited to discuss a domestic problem.

Here’s what’s at issue. The guy loves food and loves cooking, and comes from an Italian family where extra garlic, wine and spices are the keys to good food. As his fiancée explained, he was in disbelief when he first saw her open up a bottle of factory-made sauce for the first (and last!) time. So the guy sneaks into the kitchen and changes the recipe to meet his tastes. She’s not happy about it, and called Rachel for advice.

Rachel invites her hubby on the show—also a chef—and they discuss the issue. Point that Mr. Ray makes is “don’t mess with her food, dude.” The point that Rachel makes is that preparing a meal is an act of love, so correcting culinary technique is akin to rejecting love.

All smiles and nods, and Dr. Ray saves the day!!

But not so fast, says Dr. Scott. The advice sounds great, and inarguable. But it’s not the whole answer.

Here’s the problem with that perspective. Yes, to the woman in question, it is an issue of “love”, but to the man in question, it’s really an issue of “food.” He’d like a certain type of quality to his food, and, if he’s going to enjoy it, why shouldn’t he make suggestions about what brings him pleasure. Part of being a loving spouse is to figure out what makes the mate happy as an act of love, not “decide” for the spouse what happiness is.

Let me give you an example. If I go out to my wife’s garden and tear up all of her azalea bushes and plan rose bushes, should I expect her to be happy with me just because I’m doing it “with love.” If we pull into the Exxon station and my wife offers to fill up my 6-cylinder car with regular (instead of premium) gas, should I NOT step in and correct her actions if what she’s doing it as an act of love?

Here’s the bottom line: When your partner tries to steer you in a direction different than where you wanted to go, don’t take it personally, and allow him or her to help you make them happier. You'll both be happier.