Fighting Resentment

I had an enlightening discussion with a client today about resentment. He brought up the subject. He's currently reading a book about addiction, and described how he spent the evening reading the chapter aloud to his girlfriend. I asked him to describe resentment, and he hesitated.

Come to think of it, resentment is one of those things of which we have a basic understanding, but when put to the test, have problems defining. How would you define resentment?

Here's my take on that. Resentment comes about when you believe someone purposely withholds from you that which you expect him or her to do. The equation is simple: "I have an expectation of you, you know what it is, but you are willfully choosing to do something differently." In this "battle of the wills" it appears that somebody else is choosing to deny you what you ask. This action stirs up feelings of betrayal, irritation, frustration and anger. When you look toward that other person as a cause of these feelings, that, my friend, is resentment.

Let’s look at a real-life example. Jerome walks in the room and says to his wife, "I'm thirsty, please get me some water." His wife, Eloise, says “you get it!” and Jerome is upset. Jerome thinks to himself, "I worked hard all day, and I hardly ask anything of my wife. Now she tells in that she won't get me water!" as he marches across the room to fill up a glass of water, he looks at his immobile wife and feels resentful of her behavior. Jerome assumes that she willfully is not meeting his needs, and that's all that it takes to resentment to build.

But let's look at these facts a different way. Eloise suffers from migraines, which are usually controlled by medication. She's tried for two days to reach her doctor, because she has run out of medication, and he has not returned her phone call. For most of the day she has been bed ridden with a severe headache, but finally brings herself from the bedroom into the living room for a change of scenery. When her husband, Jerome, walks into the room, his voice sounds as if it is coming from a megaphone, as he insists that she jump out of her chair and get him a glass of water. "I can barely see or hear things," she says to herself, "and he has the nerve to ask me to get him some water. How hard is it to get water?" She finds herself getting angry for his presumption that his need for water is more important than her need for quiet. His total neglect of her physical and emotional state just proves to Eloise that Jerome just doesn't care. She feels resentment for his expectations of her, in his failure to appreciate what she needs at that moment.

And there you have it. The birth of resentment, in this case, in both directions! If there's one take-home message from this brief story, is that resentment builds because of assumptions that when somebody does not meet our needs, or asks something of us that they ought not to, that somehow they knew of their offense, and willingly and willfully chose to neglect their partner’s needs, most probably, in an effort to hurt the other person.

Hey, one suggestion! Don't assume that if your partner upsets you, or if you feel hurt by your partner, that he or she is intending to cause you pain. If you take a moment and try to see the whole picture, you realize that when a person is not meeting your needs in one particular moment in time, it is not necessarily a sign of neglect, abuse, betrayal, or lack of respect. Sometimes, just looking at a from the other person’s point of view prevents you from building up resentment, and allows you to work through your needs and better appreciate the other person’s needs. All this, and nice tall glass of ice water, and you may have a good day after all.