What's the Value of Saving a Marriage?

Therapists with pro-marriage bias can help couples ravaged by infidelity

Published originally at Psychology Today on April 23, 2013 by Scott Haltzman, M.D. in Surviving Infidelity

In just about a month, my newest book, The Secrets of Surviving Infidelity, will be available for purchase. In advance of that event, I have found myself reflecting on how my biases affect the content of the book.
Consider a review of my book communicated to me by Barry McCarthy, one of the world’s most renowned sex and relationship experts. While he praises the book, Dr. McCarthy notes:  “Of the books in this value-ladened field, the Haltzman book is the most pro-marriage and takes a clear stance about avoiding affairs.” When I received an email with Dr. McCarthy’s comments, I was struck by the implication of the review: That my approach was, first, “value-ladened” (like the rest of my field), and that it was more “pro-marriage” than others. And beyond that, as if a rarity among books of this sort, I position myself as someone who opposes affairs.

The feedback led to some reflection on my part. Over the past ten years I have researched many aspects of marital relationships through my own clinical practice and my Internet based investigation.  Most researchers need to be held accountable to their own bias, and I am no different.

Looking at my own bias

Yes, I have bias. When research concludes that marriage is good for your health, or leads to greater levels of happiness or financial wealth, I am eager to embrace the results and share with my clients. If, on the other hand, a study suggests that people who are married are no better off then their single or divorced peers, I am quick to find fault with the study.  Am I convinced that marriage, on average, is good for you? Yes. Are there conditions? Of course. It is clear to me that living with an individual who engages in repeated affairs, or is addicted to substances, or engages in domestic violence may present a real threat to a spouse.  In cases like these, marriage is not a safe place, then there may be no option but to leave.

Some people feel strongly that the discovery of an affair between one partner and one affair mate should lead to the end of a marriage. I understand why they would feel that way. The emotional impact of affairs is huge. If you have been victim to an affair, then you know that no author can come close to finding the right words to reflect the vertigo-inducing loss of trust in your partner. I have heard my clients who have discovered an affair tell me, “everything I thought I knew was a lie.”  Can any expert ever realistically expect that two people go back to the marital bed together after such a betrayal?

Esther Perel, author of Erotic Intelligence writes in her blog: “In America, infidelity is described in terms of perpetrators and victims, damages and cost. We [Americans] are far more tolerant of divorce with all the dissolutions of the family structure than of transgression.” She has pointed out that many countries politicians and business leaders go unscathed when acts of infidelity are uncovered, but divorce can end a career.

Should therapists care about marriage?

Can, or should a doctor or therapist take a position in support of marriage? I believe they should.  When people come to me looking for help coming to grips with the devastation of an affair, they deserve to know all their options. I don’t have to remind them of the option of divorce, nor do I have to remind them of the option of “throw the bum out on his/her butt!”  Those are the first things that they probably thought of. But I can’t remain silent about other options as well, those of healing from an affair, improving communication, and keeping a family together.

When I think of the “pro-marriage” label I place myself in the shoes of clients who come to see me in my office. Years before scheduling an appointment with me, the upbeat couples had scheduled an appointment with a priest, rabbi, minister or justice of the peace because they wanted to spend the rest of their lives together. I didn’t make the couple’s decision to marry each other; they did. They know, and I know, that an affair shakes a marriage to its core. However, as a practitioner, if I can help couples to see that there is a way to survive infidelity, I may ultimately take them closer to realizing their dreams of a lifetime together. It’s worth a try. It’s worth more than a try, it’s worth putting all my heart and soul into it. Because in this value laden field, I believe that marriages can be saved. 

Boss Fires Worker Because She Is Too Attractive

Boss Fires Worker Because She Is Too Attractive 

(first published in Psychologytoday.com April 10, 2013)

I recently caught wind of a story that fell off my radar screen during the Christmas holiday season last year: the Iowa State Supreme Court ruled that married dentist James Knight had the right to fire his dental assistant of 10 years, Melissa Nelson, because she was “irresistible.”

Ms. Nelson claimed she was shocked because she saw her boss as a father figure,  but the court documents indicate that for 18 months before she got fired, he had begun to make inappropriate comments at work, such as: “if she saw his pants bulging, she would know her clothing was too revealing.” One year later they began exchanging text messages, including a question about how frequently she had orgasms.

When Dr. Knight’s wife caught him texting her after hours, she insisted that he dismiss her from her job.  With his pastor by his side, the dentist called Ms. Nelson into the office and fired her. She sued for gender discrimination, but the court said that the dismissal was in Dr. Knight’s rights.

The judges ruled on the legal issues, and raised many hackles among labor lawyers, women’s rights advocates and journalists. But what about the marital issues; was Dr. Knight’s action right?

When an attractive other crosses your path

I believe it was.

Ideally the moment two people exchange rings on the altar, they would never again look at another person with lust or desire.  The problem is that the world is full of attractive people. And like it or not, the more time these people spend together, at work, at the gym, or in the classroom, they more attractive they become to each other.

There are many reasons why two persons not married to each other (or, as in the case of Ms. Nelson, one person) will find the other attractive. First, there’s no baggage: no kids to argue about; no mother-in-law to push your buttons. Second, there is bountiful possibility:  before a hook-up begins, the imagination runs amok with  wild romantic and sexual fantasies. Third, newness of any sort is exciting, and marriage is anything but new.

So what should a married man or woman do if he or she has a gnawing desire to get into the pants of a co-worker, gym partner or classmate. Yeah, sure, that person should do everything in his or her power to “man up” and resist the thought.  But if the resistance is too difficult, what next?

What next?

If someone is so attractive to you that you fear for your ability to stay faithful to your marriage, the first thing to do is to tell the spouse about the attraction before an affair begins. It won’t be an easy discussion, but the act of honest sharing will bond a wedded couple together against any possible affair mate.

Then what? Well, like it or not, that spouse must do everything in his or her power to avoid contact with the person of attraction. If he or she cannot control his or her impulse, then what choice does that married man or woman have? In the case of Dr. Knight, he had already crossed the line too many times; his infatuation was quickly moving in the direction of a disaster for the marriage and his co-worker.

In cases of potential workplace affairs, severing the connection involves making arrangements for a new position, a new shift, or a transfer to a new location. For non-work attractions, it might mean going to a different gym or registering for a different class.

In Dr. Knight’s case, it wouldn’t have made sense to closed down his practice and move; it still would have left Ms. Nelson out of work.

His decision wasn’t fair to his assistant; I get that. But it might have been the only thing that he could do to protect his relationship.  He did what he needed to do.

Now that it’s just him and his missus, I’d venture a guess that he’s got a lot of work to do on his marriage!