Boys, Girls and Parents: Q & A

What’s the long term impact on boys of being in an environment where their natural way of doing things is often seen as the “wrong” way?

Research shows that boys tend to have their brains develop differently than girls, and it’s not uncommon for boys to be more competitive, action oriented and even aggressive when they interact with their environment. Often, social norms we construct around boys values things like cooperative (rather than competitive) play, and quiet, introspective work rather than rowdy and chaotic exploration of the world around. When boys consistently get the message that the way they do things is wrong, it promotes a feeling of frustration in boys. It also causes some identify confusion. By correctly being told that a boys way of doing things is normal, but must be channeled in more acceptable ways, we help boys become more mature and responsible. If, instead, as many parents and teachers do, tell boys that they are abnormal in their mode of self expression, than it causes boys to feel like they cannot own who they are. They feel forced to be someone different, and often cannot reconcile the “ideal” boy with the “real” boy. When a boy can’t properly learn how to channel these masculine traits, he may be more prone to poor relationships with his peers, and with women in general.

-What can women (mothers, teachers) do to work with boys natures while still maintaining an environment where boys are responsible?

Determine how your boy functions, how he solves problems, how he likes to play, and how he sees the world. Than acknowledge the validity of his feelings, and provide an environment where he can have free unstructured play so he can express his style. Harming others is not acceptable, of course, so it’s reasonable to set limits, even at times to say that things are “wrong.” Think of the following scenario—if your child breaks down in tears, you would most likely stop and ask, “What’s wrong,” then try to help your child feel better, solve the problem, or at least provide support. What parents sometimes don’t appreciate is that anger or aggression may be to a boy what tears may be for a girl; a parent or teacher should respond the same way, and not assume that the child is being bad.
Letting a boy be a boy is a great way to teach responsibility and limits; it’s just important to validate, not criticize a boy for his behavior.

-Should we be communicating with boys differently? If so, how?

Boys tend to be more action oriented, and often have difficulty sitting down motionless and maintaining eye contact. Sometimes it helps to be engaged in mutual “side by side” activity when having a talk with a boy. When you address boys, don’t treat the discussion like a conversation; treat it more like a billboard. In other words, get your point out front, then make sure he understands. Don’t elaborate or explain unless he asks. Boys are more distractible than girls, so make sure that he gets your point. Because boys tend to be more competitive, it helps if there are challenges or rewards involved in a request, it engages his imagination more. Also, be direct about what you want. For instance, starting a request with “I bet you can’t take out 2 cans of garbage in less than 2 minutes,” may be met with more success than saying “I’m upset that you never take out the garbage,” which, you’ll notice, doesn’t actually include an appeal to do anything!