Random musings

Here are some random questions and answers from journalists.


• What is the common thread in men that are in happy marriages?

One scenario that predicts a happy marriage is one in which each member of the relationship adopt clear cut (and relatively society-sanctioned) gender roles. Men whose wives regularly praise them, cook for them, enjoy frequent sex with them, and don’t complain about household responsibilities do tend to be happy.
The problem is, that accounts for about 5% of all marriages!
The other men are ones who have found that their marriage requires work, but who have discovered—and mastered--the nature of that work. Men who are happiest are the ones whose wives are happiest. Most American women aren’t innately content with marriage unless husbands demonstrate emotional connectedness. Moreover, a husband must make it known to his wife that, above all, he has put her happiness, safety and security above all else.
The men who are happy in marriage are the ones who have successfully met the standards that their wives set for them; as a result, a wife becomes genuinely content in the relationship, and men start to flourish.

• Does success in the work place (for men) follow them in the successes in their marriages / relationships?

One of the compelling research questions I ponder is whether there is a correlation between work stability and marriage stability. It does seem to me that the kind of man that gets fired from job after job is likely not to be able to maintain a long lasting marriage, but I just don’t have the data to back that up.

• What is the most important aspect in determining a successful relationship?

Studies show a number of factors. The ability to “repair” after a fight is a very strong predictor. The willingness of a man to accept his wife’s influence also holds great sway in keeping relationships intact.
I have found that the most important element to a happy marriage is a genuine interest in making your partner happy as your primary goal in each interaction with him or her.

• How can you tell when a man is being honest and not just mimicking what they have been 'taught?'

That’s a trick question. If I teach you how to speak Spanish, you can’t then ask if it’s honest or mimicking—it’s a real effort. If you try to speak it, and every Spanish speaking person looks blankly at you, like you are not speaking any language THEY know, eventually you will give up. If you start to get feedback that you are doing a good job, or get encouragement for trying, you speak more and more. No, you’ll never be a native speaker, but you’ll get to be fluent.
When I teach men, they don’t intuitively think of doing some of the things I suggest, but their efforts to make a difference are genuine. For instance, a husband may send a card because he knows you love cards. That doesn’t mean he’s fake, even if he thinks it’s a waste of $2.95. None of us are truly selfless, but we can be taught (as the church tries to do) to work hard at it and try hard to make it part of our lives. When men try to put their women first, and their women respond positively and enthusiastically, men are more likely to keep up the efforts.

• How effective is your teaching? And, how long does the behavior last?

If men are genuinely devoted to trying to keep a marriage, my teaching is very effective. Marriage research demonstrates the tremendous influence that a man has over the sustenance of a marriage.

• Do you have to work at all successful relationships or do successful relationships already have that something that clicks that keeps it working... fresh... spontaneous?

I think it would take 2 extraordinary people to have a relationship that clicks, and keeps on clicking. I have treated a few couples who have claimed that was the case—until they ended up needing treatment with me! But I suppose there are a few who do have smooth sailing, and those are people I never meet in my office. I think it’s very rare. Even knowing what to do doesn’t seem to help; on more than one occasion I’ve dealt with world-class therapists married to each other, and unable to maintain a persistent mutually happy marriage.

• Do you believe in love at first sight?

Sure! But I don’t think that there’s an “I’ll be happily married forever to this person” at first sight. We are always so optimistic when we begin a relationship, but that gets tempered by experience and time. If we don’t learn—and apply--the skills that make marriage great, there won’t be much left after the glow of falling in love starts to fade.

Love the one you're with

My brother commented to me to today that he and his girlfriend were both settled in for a relaxing evening by the fire when each simultaneously made the same observation. Rather than engage in conversation with each other, they were each engaged in communicating with their blackberries! They laughed together as they realized how a pattern of “unwinding” looks so much more different than it did even a decade ago. Now they are always connected, always available, and always distracted from, in the words of the Buddhist philosopher, Be[ing] Here Now.

It’s easy to look back before the intrusion of instant messaging into our lives and think how much better things were before the digital age. But that may be an exaggeration. For instance, I recall that my father would feel irritated when my mother would pick up a book and disappear into its pages while they sat together in bed or in the den. And let’s not forget the old-fashioned telephone, which has consistently interrupted household family time since the Alexander Graham Bell’s first child hit puberty. And, of course, television has soured many an intimate moment—a recent Italian study showed that rates of marital sex dropped in half when there was a TV in the bedroom.

While TVs can be turned off and books can be put down, people don’t feel capable of shutting off their blackberries or cell phones because they are expected to be always available. People who know you can readily check email want you to be waiting by your inbox; they are expecting you to read, process, and respond at once.

Being chronically on call eats into your private life and robs you of the full enjoyment of the company of your loved ones. It invites strangers into your home day and night. It erodes the quality of the time spent together.

So next time you and someone you love are hanging out by the fire on a cold autumn night, turn off your blackberries!