Fall in New England

It’s unseasonably warm in Rhode Island today. But that’s the joy of living in New England, it’s always unseasonably something! Now, after a little yard work, I decided to write an updated newsletter. Later, the Patriot’s game.

Last week I completed a seminar at Harvard’s “Treating Couples” conference, and it was great fun! Many in the audience were appreciative of the unique status of marriage, and how hard I fight to help marriages last. One of my favorite studies, which I cited during my talk, was published a decade ago by Linda Waite and colleagues. In the study she examines what happens during a five-year period to spouses who feel moderately or very unhappy with marriage. Sadly, about 23 percent of the couples split up. But amazingly, at the end of the study more than 80 percent of people who were having a rotten time in marriage report they are now very happy or extremely happy with wedded life. That’s pretty impressive.

And that makes sense. People want marriage to be like dating, only better. I get that. I was there. Of course, people ought to treat their spouses with the attention and consideration that they did when dating. But dating, even living together, is different than being married. Once betrothed, everything you do you do for both. Whether you buy a lottery ticket instead of a gallon of milk or make a two-hour phone call to your sister in the middle of supper your actions are not simply your own. And everyone has to live with the consequences together. It’s daunting. Moreover what you think is in the family’s best interest isn’t what you partner thinks is. All well and good. But here’s the key to relationships falling apart, even though you have a different belief about what’s best for the family, each of you is SURE that you--not your mate-- are right. And that’s where marriage has to learn to adapt or die.

Take the shower curtain in our bathroom. Our home is on the market, so when potential sellers come through, I think it’s best to leave the curtain open to expose our unique architect-designed tiled shower area. My wife thinks that homes show better if people don’t have to stare into the shower during a tour. Obviously, there’s no compromise, since leaving a curtain half open endorses no one’s belief system. How to solve this? If I should happen to find an interview with some HGTV expert that says “keep them open,” I might get her to change her mind. However, the following week, she’s just as likely to find an expert to say, “keep them closed,” and she’ll try to get me to change my mind. Or maybe I’m able to convince her and she changes her mind on her own. But lets say she never sees the errors of her ways, or let’s say she’s never able to convince me to see the errors of mine. Here’s what happens: since she prepares the house before a showing, she does it the way she thinks it should get done. And, to all this, I remind myself that it’s unlikely a person will tour our home and say to themselves, “I would have loved to have bought that home, but I just wasn’t impressed with how the shower was displayed.”

So the solution isn’t in eliminating the source of disagreement, it’s in having the right attitude toward the things you can’t resolve. Life goes on; will your marriage?