You and your marital happiness

Occasionally my clients, or someone from the media, will be surprised statistic that shows 2/3 to ¾ of all separations and divorces are precipitated by women. Admittedly, I was surprised upon first finding this stat about a decade ago, when I began researching relationships and marriage. But it’s a statistic that makes sense. Women are more likely to describe feeling unhappy in a relationship; they are more likely to lodge complaints that the marriage isn’t meeting their needs. One woman, Liz, recently asked why men aren’t complaining about unhappy marriages: “Do they just not notice?”
Let me be clear that many of the women’s complaints about marriage are valid. The overly attentive guy who doted on her night and day and sent her texts every half hour (thus lovingly running up her cell phone bill)…the wildly enthusiastic dude who wanted to be with her every weekend and take her to exotic lands during vacation days…becomes the husband who doesn’t pick up the phone all day when he’s at work because he’s “too busy,” or doesn’t buy her flowers because “they’re a waste of money.” Women want to feel special. When husband cut back on courting their wives, the guys still know the love is there--but their wives don’t see it. So they become discontent. It’s because of the need to keep the courtship alive that I write “The Secrets of Happily Married Men.” If men would read it, there would be a lot fewer unhappy wives, and fewer unhappy marriages.
When couples stop paying attention to the needs of the other, the man also feels it. To answer Liz’s inquiry: Men DO notice when their wives have pulled back; they DO notice when the relationship isn’t going well; they DO feel it when their needs aren’t being met. Most men can compartmentalize this; they say to themselves that their relationship is snagged right now, and they continue to plod along hoping it will improve in the future. Sometimes they hang in there because happiness isn’t their prime directive. Sometimes they hang in there because their complacency supplants the need to be happy. Sometimes they just figure things will get better—and they either buy a book, see a counselor or just tough it out.
The biggest risk for the unhappily married man is when another woman treats him with more admiration and respect than his wife does. The appeal of a woman who treats a guy like he’s brilliant and important is almost irresistible. When a marriage sours, there’s a much greater likelihood that the man will leave his wife if there is a woman whom a man thinks he can go to after the breakup. He won’t tell himself he’s leaving Woman A for Woman B, but deep down that’s exactly what’s going on.
In the post-metrosexual era, though, it doesn’t take another woman to pull a man out of an unhappy marriage. I’ve been seeing more and more men in my practice who don’t have a woman in the wings. They don’t have anywhere else to go, and they are deeply bonded to their children. But, like the wife who feels he’s changed for the worse, these husband see changes in their relationship as stirring real emotions inside them. These men are longing for more than a place to stay at night, they are seeking love, and the expression of love, through a relationship with their wives. Many of these men have witnessed fathers who either lived through unhappy marriages, or have died an early death. And they ask themselves, “Is this all there is?”

There is a growing trend for men to walk away from marriage even when there’s not another woman in the wings.

Now, you’ve heard me say that men have got to step up to the plate when their wives are unhappy. But, the same is true of wives. Yes, marriage is a mutual relationship, but, whether you are a man or a woman reading this you need to understand that that mutuality begins with YOU. If you find ways to make relationship an extraordinary event for your spouse today and every day, then you’ll be well on your way to nailing down a marriage that will last you the rest of your life.