From The Desk of Dr. Scott

Gender Differences? News from the 2011 APA

2011-05-31T06:44:00.000-07:00

I recently completed a series of lectures in Honolulu. One, entitled “Gender-specific Neurobiological, Behavioral and Social Influence on Human Development: Implications for Heterosexual Relationships and Couples' Therapy” was given to a packed room of psychiatrists (many of them were residents in training). In fact, after the talk began, several people who came late had left because there were no seats available. Bummer!

I told the audience before I spoke to them that I was a bit trepidatious about giving a talk on such a controversial subject in such a high-profile forum as the annual meeting of the American Psychiatric Association. Yet, surprisingly, I got very little resistance from those who attended the meeting on the idea that there may be some fundamental difference between how men’s and women’s brains function.

Heretofore, I had been a strong believer in gender differences, propelled by the research of Simon Baron-Cohen, who describes “The Essential Difference” between men’s brains (tending toward systemization) and women’s brains (tending toward empathy). In contrast, “Delusions of Gender” by Cordelia Fine, pulls no punches in pointing to the bias in research by people like Baron-Cohen. For instance, the highly touted research that baby boys prefer geometric objects, and baby girls prefer faces is based on an unblended study of children held at different angles by their mothers, not in some laboratory with special eye-movement detection data (as I had always assumed). Also, by simply identifing your sex before taking a preference exam, you’ll tend to give more gender-stereotyped profile of yourself. Interesting!

Yet my audience didn’t seem swayed by the controversy; it seemed obvious to them that there are qualitative differences between men and women. Maybe it is based on socialization or gender messages from others, one participant noted, but those environmental exposures (just like the environmental exposure in Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder) cause permanent brain changes, and we cannot ignore the reality that, by the time the average man or average woman is in the psychiatrist’s office, he or she will view the world differently because of their sex.

In the eyes of the psychiatrists who attended that meeting, that means that it’s OK to advise your male clients, “Don’t jump in and believe you have to fix things when your wife describes a problem,” and to tell your women clients, “Make sure you get to the point early when wanting help solving a problem, otherwise you’ll lose his attention and get frustrated that he isn’t listening!”

What should I do if an old flame calls or emails me?

2010-12-04T14:18:00.000-08:00

Dr. Scott answer's reader's questions

What should I do if an old flame calls or emails me?  -Jeff 

This issue here is that you, Jeff, loving husband or boyfriend, are going about your business when, with no provocation on your part, you get a call from an old flame.

Your situation falls into one of three categories.

Category 1: You welcome the call. After all, while you’re not dating the ex now, you may have parted on good terms. You really like this gal, and getting an email or call may cheer you up, and stoke fond recollections of “the good ol’ days.”

Category 2: Your ex is the spawning of an evil seed, who make Cruella DeVille seem like Mother Theresa. You can’t stand to be near her or think of her, and you’re rather listen to fingernails on a chalkboard than hear her voice on the other end of the line.

The third category, and the most likely one, is that, while you don’ hold any bad feelings, and, you may still have a soft place in your heart for her, the relationship with this woman is over, and you have no real desire to make life more complicated for yourself by wanting to rekindle a connection.

Well, one way or another, either the phone rings or your computer chimes “You’ve got mail,” and now you have a decision to make. If you can’t stand the gal, then you’re job is pretty easy: simply and politely tell her that you’re not interested in pursuing a relationship, and ask her to put you on her “no call list.” If she continues to call, call the cops, and file a stalking charge.

However, things aren’t always the easy or that clear cut, and that’s where your wife’s or girlfriend’s feelings come into play. It is rare that a guy marries a woman who welcomes your old friends—lovers or not—into your life with open arms—a woman who invites them over, and enjoys hearing stories of your exploits together. If you have such a woman, don’t take advantage of her good nature by crossing any boundaries, such as arranging private moments with your ex, or keeping any emails or calls secret.

You’ll notice I said that a guy rarely finds such a wife, because the truth is that most women don’t want the other woman (even if she was the other woman from three decades ago) in your life. In that case, when the phone rings as you and your wife are just loading the dishes into the dishwasher, and you hear a voice from the distant past, it’s good to know what to do.

First, don’t hide from your current partner the fact that you heard from your past woman. Believe me, eventually she’ll find out, and when she does, she’ll focus on your failure to tell her, and you’ll lose a lot of trust. Once you do reveal the communiqué, though, she’ll want to know what happened next.

One problem is that you may be excited to hear from her. My advice: don’t let your interest in her life or her activities take precedence over your interest in your wife. In your mind, you may say, “I’ve got plenty of space in my brain for interest in the lives of both these women,” and it might be true. But it’s a zero-sum-gain to your wife, and, in her mind, every ounce of effort you expend in delving into the life of your ex is energy extracted from your relationship with her. My advice--as much as you may truly care about the goings on of your ex-lover—is to keep that door to the past closed, and let her know after her first hello that you’ve moved on and don’t wish to have any further conversation.

If you don’t hate this woman, then you don’t want to be rude. And that’s another problem. After all, for just about everyone who calls (with the possible exception of the telemarketer) you give them an ear, and try not to show any signs of rudeness. So if your past girlfriends wants to talk for a while, and rekindle a little bit of connection, you may feel it’s rude to rush her off the phone. My advice: be polite to your wife, not the person on the other end of the phone line whom you have no current relationships with. Your obligation is to the Mrs, not to the ex, so if your wife feels it’s rude to keep a conversation going, and you and the other woman find it rude to hang up precipitously, go with your wife’s definition of rude. She’s the one you’ll be spending the night, and the rest of your life, with.

And in the case of email, I recommend that you consult with your wife. Show her the email, express an interest in not pursuing it any further, and ask which she thinks would be best—for you to replay with a brief email that your wife sees before you send it, saying “It’s nice to hear from you, but I think it’s best we don’t communicate,” or to not respond at all. Remember, just because someone sends you and email, you’re not under any obligation to respond.

Q & A Newly Single Women

2010-10-21T17:53:00.000-07:00

Q: When a relationship has ended, it is sometimes hard for the person in the situation, due to depression, embarrassment or pride to reach out to friends for help. How does someone reach out?

A: When your up against the challenge of reigniting old friendships you’ve got two competing issues to deal with. On one hand, studies show that in women in particular, memory for emotionally based adverse events are held on to for a long time (forever?), so it’s not likely she’ll forget about how she was treated when you were focused on Mr. Wonderful. On the other hand, women genuinely find bonding and interrelating very emotionally soothing, and they have a wonderful ability to empathize. They want to care for you, but you have to be willing to show some contrition, and let some of your sadness and disappointment show. Your real friends will come out of the woodwork; your false friends my use your vulnerability to chide you or put you down, but you can choose not to pay attention to them.

Q: On the flip side if you see that your friend isn’t reaching out, how do you approach her to help?

A: She may be afraid that you will judge her negatively, or that you won’t understand her. Let her know that you’re there for a listening ear. If she’s not into the “crying on your shoulder” routine, instead invite her out for something lighthearted—maybe even an action movie or documentary, where she won’t have to talk, and she won’t have to watch Hugh Grant win over Drew Barrymore

Vim and Sexual Vigor

2010-10-06T13:01:00.000-07:00

Q: How/why does fatigue or lack of fitness diminish a man's sex drive? What can the average guy to boost his libido?

A: Like the Timex watch, men are designed to have their bodies take a licking, but have their libido keep on ticking. However, at a certain point, physical or mental exhaustion will lowers a guy’s reproductive urges. That is because the body tries to conserve resources; from a evolutionary point of view, a species shuts down reproduction when there isn’t enough energy to sustain the body. For instance, in concentration or POW camps, with lack of food and other deprivation, the sex drive disappears, while in US prisons, with plenty of food and leisure time, there is no decline in sex drive. While men’s sex drive tend to be on autonomous (that is, not driven by external conditions), it still affected by a man’s state of mind. Depression or mental exhaustion rob a man of being able to make a visual picture of the pleasure that sex may give him, so he will be less inclined to have sexual urges pop into his head. Occasionally, poor physical health may include lack of proper nutrition, and occasionally vitamin or mineral deficiencies lead to lack of libido. (Just about every vitamin is implicated in the cascade of hormones and physiology associated with sexual functioning.)
There are ways of countering the effects of stress. One is to schedule time for exercise daily, which helps to boost testosterone. Another is to put aside time to meditate, pray, or do yoga. These decrease emotional stress and improve relaxation, an important component for interest in sex.
Also, because sex may not be as autonomous in the stressed out guy, there may need to be external triggers to get thing going. Reducing tension in the relationship with your mate is helpful—an angry or despondent partner isn’t a sexual turn on. Also, your partner may need to take the lead an initiate sex; that may be a role reversal, but it can often lead to an increase in sexual interest.

2010-09-18T08:25:00.000-07:00

We All Married The Wrong Person

Blog post from Lori Lowe

Couples in crisis often reach the point where they decide they are just two poorly matched people. This precedes the decision to leave the relationship and go in search of that “right person.” Unfortunately, the odds of a successful marriage go down for each attempt at a new marriage. Psychiatrist and author of The Secrets of Happily Married Men and The Secrets of Happily Married Women and The Secrets of Happy Families, Scott Haltzman, MD, says in truth, they are correct; we all married the wrong person. I found his comments from TV interviews so intriguing that I requested an interview with him to delve into the topic.

Dr. Haltzman says even if we think we know a person well when we marry them, we are temporarily blinded by our love, which tends to minimize or ignore attributes that would make the relationship complicated or downright difficult. In addition, both individuals bring different expectations to the marriage, and we change individually and as a couple over time. No one gets a guarantee of marrying the right person, says Dr. Haltzman, so you should assume you married the wrong person. That doesn’t mean your marriage can’t be successful, however.

“Most of us spend a lot of time filtering through possible mates in hopes that we will end up with the right match. Some people believe it’s an issue of finding a soul mate … the one true partner. Whether or not you enter into marriage believing your partner is THE one, you certainly believe he or she is A right person for you,” says Dr. Haltzman.

He explains that if the success of a marriage were based on making the right choice, then those who carefully chose a good match would continue to sustain positive feelings the majority of the time, and over a long period. The theory would be proven correct that choosing well leads to success. “But the divorce rate in and of itself stands as a great testament to the fallacy of that theory,” says Dr. Haltzman. Even the couples who remain married don’t describe themselves as completely happy with each other, he adds, but rather committed to one another.

“If we believe we must find the right person to marry, then the course of our marriage becomes a constant test to see if we were correct in that choice,” says Dr. Haltzman, adding that today’s culture does not support standing by our promises. Instead, he says we receive the repeated message, “You deserve the best.” These attitudes contribute to marital dissatisfaction, he says.

Dr. Haltzman shared some research with me about the negative effects in our consumer society of having too many choices—which may lead to increased expectations and lower satisfaction. A book called The Choice Paradox by Barry Schwartz shares research that flies in the face of conventional wisdom. (I will have another post about this topic soon, because there is much insight to glean.) I’ll cut to the chase and reveal that people are happier with the choices they make when there are relatively few choices from which to choose. With too many choices, we can become overburdened and regretful and constantly question our decision. Today, individuals may feel they have many choices of mates, and fear lost opportunities with potential “right” partners. This may happen even after a person is married, as he or she questions the decision to marry with each bump in the road.

“My basic philosophy is we have to start with the premise when we choose our partner that we aren’t choosing with all the knowledge and information about them,” says Dr. Haltzman. “However, outside of the extreme scenarios of domestic violence, chronic substance abuse, or the inability to remain sexually faithful—which are good arguments for marrying the wrong person on a huge scale, and where it is unhealthy or unsafe to remain married—we need to say, ‘This is the person I chose, and I need to find a way to develop a sense of closeness with this person for who he or she really is and not how I fantasize them to be.’”

That choice to work on the relationship can lead to a more profound, meaningful experience together. Dr. Haltzman offers the following tips to help us reconnect or improve our bond:

Respect your mate for his/her positive qualities, even when they have some important negative ones.

Be the right person, instead of looking for the right person.

Be a loving person, instead of waiting to get love.

Be considerate instead of waiting to receive consideration.

To underscore the last couple of points, Dr. Haltzman says many people will put only so much effort into a relationship, then say, “I’ve done enough.” But very few of us will do that with our children. “Instead, we say despite their flaws, we wouldn’t want anyone else; yet, our kids can be much more of a pain in the ass than our spouses.”

Finally, he advises, “Have the attitude that this is the person you are going to spend the rest of your life with, so you must find a way to make it work instead of always looking for the back door.”

For more information on Dr. Haltzman or his books, visit DrScott.com or 365Reasons.com. Many thanks to Dr. Haltzman for sharing his time, wisdom and advice.

2010-08-19T07:38:00.000-07:00

Secrets to a happy marriage, put down the Blackberry and join the relationship
August 17th, 2010 8:55 pm
By Marina Meyer
From the Blog of the Chicago Marriage Examiner

Author Dr. Haltzman advises couples on how to celebrate their marriage.

According to Dr. Scott Haltzman, there are additional layers of complexity when it comes to some hot-button issues that several couples face today. That’s why it’s important that spouses recognize that their partner has different needs than you, and that you team up together side-by-side instead of judge.

Chicago Marriage Examiner chatted with Haltzman, founder and editor of DrScott.com and 365Reasons.com and author of The Secrets of Happily Married Men, The Secrets of Happily Married Women and The Secrets of Happy Families, to explain what some of today’s hot-button issues are and why couples should live by the 365 reasons why marriage rocks.

Chicago Marriage Examiner: What are some hot-button topics that today’s couples face? How are these problems different or more complex than before?

Dr. Scott Haltzman: In the last century, the nature of marriage has changed. Whereas marriage frequently happened for reproductive, economic or political reasons, the expectations of marriage today are not only for a partner who shares in your desire for a family, but also partner that meets many of your emotional needs as well. The most common areas of arguments among families deal with money, sex, housework, in-laws and conflict over raising children.

There are additional layers of complexity related to households today compared to generations past. For instance, the influx of an electronic world into the household (beyond television) is often a source of additional stress for a family. In traditional households where men returned home from work after women, there is the additional complaint of "he runs to his computer and checks his e-mail" or "he has his Blackberry with him all day, even on the weekends."

Chicago Marriage Examiner: Your website, www.365reasons.com, offers a reason a day as to why marriage is good. Name some Top 10 reasons why marriage rocks.

Haltzman:

1. You live longer.

2. You accrue more wealth over the period of your life.

3. You demonstrate the ability to keep a promise in front of your friends and in front of God.

4. You have someone to share your day-to-day experiences with that is able to hold within them a bigger context that involves a lifetime of sharing day-to-day experiences.

5. You have a lifelong cheerleader to support you in times when you feel at a disadvantage.

6. You are able to provide a unified team in front of your children.

7. You have the opportunity to learn about a deeper and more enriching love than you have ever experienced before.

8. You learn how to compromise and, as a consequence, get exposed to new ideas and new situations that you never would have had without your spouse.

9. You have a sounding board for new ideas and an automatic brainstorming team.

10. In the event you become ill, there's someone to advocate for you to take care of you.

Chicago Marriage Examiner: What are some secrets to a happily married man, woman and family? Why do so many couples today fail to recognize or acknowledge these secrets?

Haltzman: The No. 1 secret of happy couples is the ability to recognize that your partner has needs different than yours. Rather than judge that partner, or try to change him or her, happy partners accept those differences and strive to find ways to make their partners happy. Those who have happy marriages primarily experience happiness because they see joy in their partner. The reason so many couples fail to recognize or acknowledge this secret is because society has reinforced for us our "right" to be happy, and when episodes of discontent impose themselves on the marriage, people are less inclined to ask how they themselves can change, and frequently look to their partner, expecting that he or she will change in order to assure their own happiness. When that partner fails to rise to that expectation, the knee-jerk reaction is to dismiss that partner.

Happy families function best when people have clear and realistic understandings of and expectations for each member of the family. It's important for the leaders of the family to be consistent in the message they give their children. All of the activities that are done both by individuals and as a family as a whole reflect the core values that define each unique family.

Chicago Marriage Examiner: Provide some additional information not discussed in above questions.

Haltzman: We live in a society that has geared us to believe that we deserve the best, and has imbued us with a certain doubt that what we have isn't quite good enough. There's a certain restlessness about our culture, and it's difficult to commit to a lifetime experience that may not always provide the joy and pleasure that we have come to accept as our birthright. Nonetheless, the couples that do learn how to work toward having an excellent relationship, improving their communication, and accepting each other's failings end up having a deeper level of emotional development that only such a profound commitment like marriage can bring.

It's interesting to me how many sacrifices a parent is willing to make for a child, such as listening to endless boring stories, watching sports events where the child may be sidelined 90 percent of the time, or tolerating all kinds of trans questions and faults while returning with copious amounts of love. Yet when our spouse attempts to tell us a boring story, asks us to watch him or her participate in sports, or screws up, there is much less tolerance and acceptance, and a nagging belief that "this is not the right person for me." Acceptance, appreciation, flexibility and commitment are the keys to maintaining happy lives and building the core of a happy family.

The (New) Measure of a Man

2010-08-13T09:03:00.000-07:00

This Article looks at research that show men have different views on masculinity than people assume.

"The study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine included interviews with more than 27,000 randomly selected men from eight countries (Germany, U.S., U.K., Spain, Brazil, Mexico, Italy and France.
"Regardless of age or nationality, the men more frequently ranked good health, harmonious family life and good relationships with their wife or partner as more important to their quality of life than material, self-fulfilling or purely sexual concerns. There was no significant difference in rankings of masculinity and quality of life characteristics between men who experienced erectile dysfunction and those who did not.
"The study, part of the Men's Attitudes to Life Events and Sexuality (MALES) project, aimed to determine characteristics of masculinity and quality of life in men with and without self-reported erectile dysfunction, and how those ideas of masculinity might affect seeking help and treatment.
"Many meanings, positive and negative, are attached to the term, 'masculinity,'" said Julia Heiman, director of The Kinsey Institute at Indiana University and an author of this study. "To ask a large sample of men what comprises their own sense of masculinity is very useful for both the media and for research. These results suggest we should pay attention and ask rather than presume we know."
"Findings of the study include:

Overall, being seen as honorable was considered the most important quality in the construct of masculinity.
Compared to men without erectile dysfunction, the experience of erectile dysfunction neither increased nor decreased the importance men placed on having an active sex life or having success with women, although men with erectile dysfunction reported less satisfaction with their sex lives.
Men who seek treatment for erectile dysfunction do not differ in their views of masculinity from those who do not seek help.
"Being seen as a man of honor" was cited as the most important attribute of masculine identity in Spain, Brazil, Mexico, United States and France, while "being in control of your own life" was the most important in Germany, the United Kingdom and Italy.

"The findings emphasize that men across cultures and ages value couple relationships over purely sexual pleasure and indicate that men are particularly concerned about their partnered relationships, whether or not they report erectile dysfunction."

Here's what I think:

The results of this study should be reassuring to men around the world, and to the women who love them. Men often get labeled as being focused on physical characteristics, either of themselves or of their mates, or on their sexual appetites. This study suggests that the core needs of men reflect issues of character, not just issues of physical pleasure or perfection.

In many years of dealing with men, many of them will tell me that the sense of honor is one of the predominant traits that they hold to. While divorce rates in the United States, demonstrate that more than two thirds of separations and divorces are precipitated by women, this study helps to elucidate why men will stay in marriage, even in times when they are not happy. Men will frequently refer to the sense of honor and duty as a reason that they stay in marriage. Moreover, as the finding of this study suggests, men deeply desire harmonious family life and good relationships with their wives. This further supports the rationale behind husbands’ ongoing efforts to stick with their marriage vows.

While some in our society believe we are moving toward a unisex culture, and continue to look for signs that men are becoming more metrosexual than ever, the results of this study reflect one stereotype about men that continues to be true: They are action oriented. The main message of the study is that what matters for men is the answer to the following question: What is the end result of the efforts that I make? When a man can look at his life and see that the decisions and actions he has taken reflect honor, integrity, and the capacity to follow through on his promise, nothing can be more satisfying.

The Sea Legs of Marriage

2010-08-05T12:55:00.000-07:00

A couple days ago, I had a very engaging radio interview with Dr. Jane Greer, in which we discussed my first book, The Secrets of Happily Married Men. Here’s the broadcast:
http://view.liveindexer.com/ASXGenerator.aspx?mediaSKU=euY%2bp2bmrySG1aRvbELjlA%3d%3d

It was an interesting conversation, during which we had an opportunity to discuss some of the challenges of helping marriages survive in today's times. Dr. Greer mentioned how many times people seem to bail out of marriage, "before they can get their sea legs." As Dr. Greer pointed this out, it occurred to me that the metaphor of sea legs was particularly apt.

For anyone that's ever done any sailing, or even gone on the Block Island ferry, you'll know that “sea legs” describes the adaptation of Homo sapiens to the entirely unnatural experience of the rising, falling and rocking of a boat on the water. Any person about to embark on a sea voyage has to accept the great possibility that the waters aren't always going to be smooth. Give it some time, however, and your body adapts. No longer are you flying back and forth over the deck of a ship, but in good time your sea legs help you remain steady.

When a couple meet and fall in love, they envision marriage will lead them to a place of serenity and peace. They picked out this very special partner, after all, because of the very special future that a shared relationship promised. When they exchange rings and, at last, take their vows both bride and groom are sure that calm waters are ahead.

Ideally, they would have smooth sailing through the rest of their lives. Rarely does the ideal meet the real. Every couple comes across times in their marriage, some sooner, some later, when a storm hits. At this point, many couples take a look at their marriage and conclude that difficult times are a reflection of deep-seated problems in their partner, or a reflection of some form of marital incompatibility or in tolerability. These couples might reason, "I married to have a quieter, safer, more gratifying and pleasant life. Clearly, marriage is not working out as I thought it would, and I'd better cut my losses!" They conclude that their marriage is wrong, one big mistake, and make the decision to divorce. They don't understand the need to develop sea legs; the very fact that they are in rough waters indicates that they embarked on the wrong trip.

Happily married couples realize that stormy weather and rough seas are a normal part of marriage. To them, having conflicts, disagreements, or even hard feelings are a motivation to improve themselves and increase their capacity to build a relationship with another human. Because they stay on these rough waters, and refuse to turn the ship around, they learn how to withstand the marital maelstrom. They do, in fact, develop sea legs. In time, when they reach smooth waters again, they not only found that they have developed better relationship skills, but together with a life partner, they progress further toward their life goals.

The optimist in me wishes only smooth waters for each couple. The realist in me recognizes that everybody will hit marital storms. The doctor in me wishes to help each and every couple improve their abilities to develop sea legs, and experience the joy that marriage over a lifetime can bring.

10 Ways to Reduce Anxiety

2010-07-26T09:08:00.000-07:00

In my "Secrets of Happy Families" book, I include a chapter called "Breathe." Unless we take care of ourselves, we can't take care of our families.

Ten Ways to Reduce Anxiety (That Don’t Involve Drugs)

1. Keep moving. Studies show that people who engage in regular physical exercise have lower levels of anxiety. A study of over 1000 men by Wales et al (2007) showed that those who participated in high-intensity leisure time activities had reduced levels of anxiety and depression five years later.

2. Hug! Physical contact increases levels of oxytocin, which is associated with calming and bonding. Just 20 seconds can significantly change your brain chemistry for the better.

3. Hum. Humming relaxes the vocal cords, and helps induce relaxation in the body. Sit quietly, making elongated vowel sounds (of either “M” or “N”). Do it before you have to talk to someone, and you’ll notice your voice sounds less stressed. A study of Pranayama (combination of yoga positions and breathing that includes humming) produced a significantly greater increase in perceptions of mental and physical energy and feelings of alertness and enthusiasm than either visualization or relaxation excercises.

4. Tense up your thigh! Progressive Muscle Relaxation, or Deep Muscle Relaxation, is a proven technique that psychologists teach in order to reduce anxiety. The technique involves tensing different muscle groups, and then allowing each muscle group to "let go." During the relaxation phase, calming chemicals are released into the bloodstream, reducing feelings of anxiety. However, if you don't have time to march through each of the muscle groups, your thighs and buttocks comprise the largest muscle group, and by tensing for a count of five seconds, then releasing, you can begin to feel some increased feelings of relaxation surge through your body.

5. Take a flight: visualization exercises allowed tobring to use its wonderful imagination in order to bring you to a place of tranquility and serenity. In order to use visualization, it's important to not only picture yourself in a place that's relaxing (such as a bathtub, the beach, or an ocean cruise line), but use your other senses, such as smell, hearing, taste and touch to bring your imagination to a place of comfort and repose.

6. Breathe: years ago, the Beatles promoted the use of transcendental meditation as a way to bring inner peace. New research has shown that many of the same physical and emotional benefits associated with transcendental meditation can be gained through simple breathing exercises. By learning how to control your breathing, you shift your attention from panic to peacefulness. The technique is simple, although it takes practice. .
When you have a moment to yourself, sit in a comfortable, quiet place. Breathe in deeply through the nose, using your diaphragm (the muscle under your ribcage), not your chest, to move the air. The intake of breath should be deliberate, and you should make a point of feeling the fresh, oxygenated and pure air enter your nose. As the intake breath lasts from four to six seconds, visualize the air filling your lungs. Hold for a second or two.
Then, through pursed lips (to make sure the air doesn’t rush out too quickly), slowly breath out, imagining that the exhaled air is expelling impurities and tension from your body. Again, breathe in the fresh, invigorating air, hold for a moment, and follow with a deliberate and slow release of the used air from your lungs.
If you do this breathing exercise for several minutes each day, you will learn to control your breathing during times of stress, and this will reduce the effects of the invasive stress hormones.

7. Distract: Anxiety will bother you a lot less if you don’t pay attention to it.
In studies of people who were anxious about exposure to snakes or spiders, their anxiety levels increased when they thought about possible exposure. Those who distracted themselves with activities managed to stay calmer.
Many people have anxiety reducers right I their pockets or pocketbooks—their cell phones. Playing a video game on your cell phone (such as bejeweled) can help distract your mind from the anxieties dwelling inside of you, and keep your attention sharp at the same time.

8. Reach out to friends. The best predictor of good emotional health is the number and quality of friends around you. People who are socially disconnected are between two and five times more likely to die from all kinds of illnesses. Having friends around you provides you with a sounding board, cheerleaders, and may help you to keep perspective. Their positive attitude toward you when you are feeling lack of confidence will help you to deal with your self-doubts.

9. Rethink things: When people are prone to anxiety, they tend to think of all the negative things that they are confronted with, and focus on that. Selectively paying attention to the bad makes you more prone to pessimism and anxiety. Thinking about possible good outcomes, and forcing yourself to consider the possibility that good things might also happen is part of a form of therapy called “Cognitive Behavioral Therapy” (CBT) Many studies comparing people who receive general supportive therapy, medication therapy and CBT shows that often CBT can work as well as medication. General supportive therapy, on the other hand, doesn’t work much better than placebo to help people recover from panic.

10. Delegate! Give your worries to someone else. You don’t have to own everything that you worry about. And you don’t have to take on the weight of the world. Making a list of the things that worry you is a good start to feeling less overwhelmed. Next, look at the list and see where others might pitch in. Perhaps your husband can pay the bills this month, or your kids can bring out the recyclables from the kitchen. Maybe your sister can arrange the family vacation this year (or a travel agent) rather than you having to be saddled with all the responsibilities. Remember, though, if you give up command of a problem that means you can’t expect everyone else to do it to your exacting standards. But letting go of exacting standards can be another way to reduce stress.

Guy TIme

2010-07-19T17:44:00.000-07:00

How important is it to a man that his wife (or future wife) let him have his "guy time"?

Guy time is extremely valuable for a married man, but it’s not a right, it’s a privilege. By that I mean that men often assume that once they get married, they can pick up where they left off with their guy friends, anything from weekend golf to frequenting strip clubs.

Women want to know, first and foremost, that they are a priority. If he makes sure that she feels valued, then he can next begin to ask for what he needs, but not if she thinks that it’s her expense.

And what role does a woman play in this arrangement? She 1) should agree to listen to her husbands ideas for guy time without judgment, 2) should not choose for him what he does or whom it does it with [big caveat here—if it involves single guys picking up women, or using drugs or alcohol, then it’s fair game for a wife to say “no”] 3) should agree specifically what the activity will and how long it will last, 4) agree how and when to “check in,” and not randomly call and text 5) help her husband succeed at getting it right—work with him to set his cell phone alarm for when he turns into a pumpkin and then 6) greet him warmly when he comes home.

Try adding a little guy time to a husband's marriage. It will benefit both of you!

One talk, different marriages

2010-07-05T08:05:00.000-07:00

Recently I gave a talk called "The Secrets of Happily Married Couples" to an audience of about ten couples at a small, but luxurious, Pocono resort known as The Lodge at Woodloch. As is typically the case in these spa lectures, the talks tend to be intimate and can get very in depth. All but three of the couples had children who were between the ages of five and seventeen. One of the other couples, still in their 20s, had been married for two years; two other couples, I would guess, had been married about thirty years.

It became clear to me, as the group chimed in with questions and began to describe their own experiences, that I couldn't lump together "marriage" in a way that would mean the same thing for everyone in my audience. To the young childless couple marriage may represent a world of boundless possibilities, mutual giving, satisfying long walks and quite moments of reflection. To the family with school age children, marriage means dealing with heavy work loads outside the home compounded by the strains of rearing kids. They may be working through compromises on everything from whether the children should be permitted to sleep over at a friend's home, to whether they should be allowed to quit piano lessons. The couples with adult children seemed to take all this in, and hardly seemed ruffled by the struggles of their younger attendees.

Although a small sample, I was impressed with how this group represented three phases of marriage, and highlighting the unique challenges that face a marriage with children in the home. The take home message from watching these couples is that many marriages (I would venture to say almost EVERY marriage) begin in a blissful phase, and then undergo stages of extreme duress. But at the tail end of this experience are those calmer, long-married couples who have managed to raise a family and push though the tough times, and to come out feeling great not only about the outcome, but about the fact that they got there together!

Remember, the success of the long-married couples wasn't due to good luck, and wasn't because their marriage was any less troubled than average, it's that they stuck it out and learned from each other (and demonstrated to their children) how to have a great marriage.

Boys, Girls and Parents: Q & A

2010-06-18T18:08:00.000-07:00

What’s the long term impact on boys of being in an environment where their natural way of doing things is often seen as the “wrong” way?

Research shows that boys tend to have their brains develop differently than girls, and it’s not uncommon for boys to be more competitive, action oriented and even aggressive when they interact with their environment. Often, social norms we construct around boys values things like cooperative (rather than competitive) play, and quiet, introspective work rather than rowdy and chaotic exploration of the world around. When boys consistently get the message that the way they do things is wrong, it promotes a feeling of frustration in boys. It also causes some identify confusion. By correctly being told that a boys way of doing things is normal, but must be channeled in more acceptable ways, we help boys become more mature and responsible. If, instead, as many parents and teachers do, tell boys that they are abnormal in their mode of self expression, than it causes boys to feel like they cannot own who they are. They feel forced to be someone different, and often cannot reconcile the “ideal” boy with the “real” boy. When a boy can’t properly learn how to channel these masculine traits, he may be more prone to poor relationships with his peers, and with women in general.

-What can women (mothers, teachers) do to work with boys natures while still maintaining an environment where boys are responsible?

Determine how your boy functions, how he solves problems, how he likes to play, and how he sees the world. Than acknowledge the validity of his feelings, and provide an environment where he can have free unstructured play so he can express his style. Harming others is not acceptable, of course, so it’s reasonable to set limits, even at times to say that things are “wrong.” Think of the following scenario—if your child breaks down in tears, you would most likely stop and ask, “What’s wrong,” then try to help your child feel better, solve the problem, or at least provide support. What parents sometimes don’t appreciate is that anger or aggression may be to a boy what tears may be for a girl; a parent or teacher should respond the same way, and not assume that the child is being bad.
Letting a boy be a boy is a great way to teach responsibility and limits; it’s just important to validate, not criticize a boy for his behavior.

-Should we be communicating with boys differently? If so, how?

Boys tend to be more action oriented, and often have difficulty sitting down motionless and maintaining eye contact. Sometimes it helps to be engaged in mutual “side by side” activity when having a talk with a boy. When you address boys, don’t treat the discussion like a conversation; treat it more like a billboard. In other words, get your point out front, then make sure he understands. Don’t elaborate or explain unless he asks. Boys are more distractible than girls, so make sure that he gets your point. Because boys tend to be more competitive, it helps if there are challenges or rewards involved in a request, it engages his imagination more. Also, be direct about what you want. For instance, starting a request with “I bet you can’t take out 2 cans of garbage in less than 2 minutes,” may be met with more success than saying “I’m upset that you never take out the garbage,” which, you’ll notice, doesn’t actually include an appeal to do anything!

Issues in family happiness (Part II)

2010-02-27T05:02:00.000-08:00

What are the eight strategies to fuel connection and contentment?

Stick Together—Know your core values and work together to set a course for happiness that includes everyone in the home.
Commit and Communicate—Children feel more secure when they know that parents are committed to stay together. Using good communication seals the deal!
Lean—You don't have to do it all on your own. Reaching out to others makes you and your family sturdier and steadier.
Teach to and Learn from Children—Parenting takes patience, but while you're teaching your children, they're teaching you!
Blend—Grouping and regrouping with step-, adopted, and foster families isn't always smooth, but the process can enrich everyone involved.
Handle Conflict—Knowing how to master conflict can lead to a more cohesive family.
Bounce—Healthy families know how to rebound from adversity and grow stronger in the process.
Breathe—Making time for fun, adventure, and rituals sets the stage for a loving family over a lifetime.

What's the key tool to use to put your principles into practice? Can anyone do it?

It may be more difficult than for some people than others to put these principles into practice because, in fact, some people may not have had a good model for their own childhood. My belief is that it comes more naturally when you yourself have grown up and nurturing environment. Part of the point of this book is to help foster that kind of environment for every child in every home. It takes patience, and the ability to delay gratification, as well as a necessity to make some compromises. Moreover, it's simply not that easy to raise a child, and having children will frequently increase the amount of tension between two adults. Growing your family in the direction of a contented and connected clan does take work, but over the long run the quality of your life and the quality of your children's lives will improve.

What's the key to handling conflict and handling every day crisis?

Times of conflict are often about power struggles, with each party struggling to be the one whose voice is heard loudest. The most important element to solving conflict is the ability to listen to the other party. Just by the act of listening you are reducing that person’s need to fight to make his or her feelings known. When he or she feels heard, he or she becomes much more receptive to your point of view. The ability to listen, reflect back to the person in a non-judgment way, show willingness to learn new information, and treating the person whom you’re interacting respectfully all lead to less conflict and a better sense of shared purpose.

Best piece of advice you can offer parents...

You're in charge!

Issues in family happiness (Part I)

2010-02-23T05:01:00.001-08:00

What is happening with families today and how is the nature of families is changing?
One of the changes of greatest impact that is happening in our society and in families today has to do with the migration of families away from their communities of origin, and the sense of estrangement and alienation that people are having from others within new communities.

What is the ultimate secret to a happy successful family? Why is this so important?The ultimate secret to a happy and successful family is the capacity to understand the core values that define that family, and live according to those values and beliefs. Consider the saying "ask yourself not: ‘Am I doing things right’ but ‘am I do in the right thing.’” Knowing the general direction that you are going, and how that integrates with your relationship with the family and the community that you live in, is essential to maintaining balance and your life.

Why is this information important at this time of uncertainty?
We are flooded by the media and inundated by a vast information overload, all of which asks us to constantly shift and change our behaviors in order to achieve happiness. But happiness doesn't come from having more channels on your cable television or more layers on your burrito. It comes from behaving in a way that honors your real self, and gives you a sense of purpose in the community.

How does financial, personal stress impact families, especially kids?
Difficult financial times and personal stress can be extremely difficult for families, by my study suggests that, rather than destroy families and tear them apart, such tumultuous times can actually lead to an improvement in family cohesion, because, at the very least, it removes many of the artificial "fillers" that distract you from your core values,

What are the benefits of a happy family?
Happy families benefit by feeling the support of their family members. They have a better sense of the bigger picture, and are less likely to be selfish. During difficult financial times they're more likely to have the support of other family members who are not hard hit by bad economic times. There able to experience more joy by being together, and better able to deal with conflict outside of the family because of their ability to deal with it inside the family.

What if one of you wants a baby? Interview

2010-01-21T09:19:00.000-08:00

Great Post on That's Fit

Maybe he's collecting booties and you're dreaming about backpacking through South America. Or maybe you're looking enviably into every stroller you pass while he's window shopping for big-screen TVs. Should you start poking holes in your diaphragm or just call it quits? What happens when one partner wants kids and the other doesn't? We asked Dr. Scott Haltzman, a psychiatrist and the author of The Secrets of Happy Families, to discuss some of the issues involved and offer some tips on what you can do.

Q: If you want a baby and your partner doesn't, where can you start? Are those reconcilable positions?

A: It depends on how you define "partner." If your current partner doesn't want to have kids, but it's not the partner you plan on having for life, that can work really well. One might even argue that it's the best thing. But if it's a life partner with whom you are working together to form plans about the future, then it is a pivotal issue. Not everybody that wants to have a child ends up having a child. Sometimes it's just because of someone's social situation or it's due to infertility -- but the inability to have a child doesn't keep couples from connecting even if they want a child. But when one person wants a child and the other person doesn't, it becomes a built-up resentment because one person feels like their partner is preventing them from accomplishing a life dream, or the other partner feels like they're being forced into something that goes against their wishes.

Q: Can you bring someone around to your point of view, or is it dangerous to even try?

A: Usually in these situations, the person who ends up coming around is the one who doesn't want a child. People don't usually have a dream of having no children; it's a lifestyle choice. Often, they'll be able to say that it was a positive thing and they were glad that they did it. Research shows us that people are happier when they do something and then live with the consequences versus when they don't do something and then imagine all of the what ifs? If someone acquiesces and agrees not to have a child, they'll always wonder about the what ifs.

Q: If somebody is perfect for you in every way except this one, should you view this as a deal breaker?

A: It's not necessarily a deal breaker, but it's definitely a discussion maker. It needs to be explored a little bit deeper. The discussion usually has to be framed as "Why do you not want to have a child?" because how far can you go with "Why do you want to have a child?" So much of that stuff is just a biological imperative. If you listen to the reasons and it seems like they're temporal - like, I don't have a job or I don't feel stable enough or good enough about who I am as a person - then you might be able to look at it as a phase they're at in this stage of life and it doesn't mean they'll never want to have kids. But if someone says that it's not a change they're willing to make ever, then it absolutely is a deal breaker.

Q: Is this something you should discuss fairly early in a relationship?

A: I wouldn't say very early -- it's definitely uncool to do it on the first date. But the topic should come up at some point -- like, "I notice that you're really good with your nephew; do you ever think of having children of your own?"

Q: Is it more common that women want children and men resist?

A: Assuming they're a young couple that's trying to decide their future together, it's usually men who are reluctant to have children. One of the reasons might be that men tend to view life as more of a struggle. Two, men tend to be drawn more to recreational behaviours that don't involve children and they recognize that having a child will pull them away from the things they do for enjoyment. And third, men recognize that bringing a child into the fold will mean that they're going to have less of their wife's attention. A very small percentage of men are also wary of some of the changes pregnancy can bring in a woman's body.

Once couples decide to marry, they've already made the decision to be together. The challenge at that point isn't deciding that you're not compatible; the challenge is deciding how you can live together, care for each other and be by each other's side even if your partner isn't able to make all of your dreams come true.

Newlywed Problems

2010-01-06T11:34:00.000-08:00

Common Newlywed Problems, and how to fix them.

Defining roles: prior to marriage they may each assume that the other will take certain roles (breadwinner, bill payer, housecleaner, nurse, mechanic, etc.) but probably they either didn't discuss or they were being over idealistic.
Fix: Sit down to review household roles, negotiate, focus first how YOU can help, not on how your partner is letting you down!

Money: If families don't define their core values, they'll end up spending money on just about anything they want at the moment. Then, they'll blame the spouse for the lack of dough to pay the bills.
Solution: define your values; what matters in the house? Vacations, entertainment, spirituality, etc. Once you do that, you can better know how to budget your money.

New child in house: Most couples think this will draw them closer together, but often it becomes a source of friction because a baby is like a Rorschach test--each parent think he/she knows what's best for him. Usually the mother's anxiety will guide the level at which the husband is "permitted" to participate to raise children.
Solution: Hold off on having children if possible at least until you get some of the other issues worked on. Assume your partner always has your child's best interest in mind, rather than assume your way is the best way. If disagreements arise, agree to talk about them when you are not fuming at each other, but at times when you can quietly discuss them

Random musings

2009-12-09T12:43:00.000-08:00

Here are some random questions and answers from journalists.

• What is the common thread in men that are in happy marriages?

One scenario that predicts a happy marriage is one in which each member of the relationship adopt clear cut (and relatively society-sanctioned) gender roles. Men whose wives regularly praise them, cook for them, enjoy frequent sex with them, and don’t complain about household responsibilities do tend to be happy.
The problem is, that accounts for about 5% of all marriages!
The other men are ones who have found that their marriage requires work, but who have discovered—and mastered--the nature of that work. Men who are happiest are the ones whose wives are happiest. Most American women aren’t innately content with marriage unless husbands demonstrate emotional connectedness. Moreover, a husband must make it known to his wife that, above all, he has put her happiness, safety and security above all else.
The men who are happy in marriage are the ones who have successfully met the standards that their wives set for them; as a result, a wife becomes genuinely content in the relationship, and men start to flourish.

• Does success in the work place (for men) follow them in the successes in their marriages / relationships?

One of the compelling research questions I ponder is whether there is a correlation between work stability and marriage stability. It does seem to me that the kind of man that gets fired from job after job is likely not to be able to maintain a long lasting marriage, but I just don’t have the data to back that up.

• What is the most important aspect in determining a successful relationship?

Studies show a number of factors. The ability to “repair” after a fight is a very strong predictor. The willingness of a man to accept his wife’s influence also holds great sway in keeping relationships intact.
I have found that the most important element to a happy marriage is a genuine interest in making your partner happy as your primary goal in each interaction with him or her.

• How can you tell when a man is being honest and not just mimicking what they have been 'taught?'

That’s a trick question. If I teach you how to speak Spanish, you can’t then ask if it’s honest or mimicking—it’s a real effort. If you try to speak it, and every Spanish speaking person looks blankly at you, like you are not speaking any language THEY know, eventually you will give up. If you start to get feedback that you are doing a good job, or get encouragement for trying, you speak more and more. No, you’ll never be a native speaker, but you’ll get to be fluent.
When I teach men, they don’t intuitively think of doing some of the things I suggest, but their efforts to make a difference are genuine. For instance, a husband may send a card because he knows you love cards. That doesn’t mean he’s fake, even if he thinks it’s a waste of $2.95. None of us are truly selfless, but we can be taught (as the church tries to do) to work hard at it and try hard to make it part of our lives. When men try to put their women first, and their women respond positively and enthusiastically, men are more likely to keep up the efforts.

• How effective is your teaching? And, how long does the behavior last?

If men are genuinely devoted to trying to keep a marriage, my teaching is very effective. Marriage research demonstrates the tremendous influence that a man has over the sustenance of a marriage.

• Do you have to work at all successful relationships or do successful relationships already have that something that clicks that keeps it working... fresh... spontaneous?

I think it would take 2 extraordinary people to have a relationship that clicks, and keeps on clicking. I have treated a few couples who have claimed that was the case—until they ended up needing treatment with me! But I suppose there are a few who do have smooth sailing, and those are people I never meet in my office. I think it’s very rare. Even knowing what to do doesn’t seem to help; on more than one occasion I’ve dealt with world-class therapists married to each other, and unable to maintain a persistent mutually happy marriage.

• Do you believe in love at first sight?

Sure! But I don’t think that there’s an “I’ll be happily married forever to this person” at first sight. We are always so optimistic when we begin a relationship, but that gets tempered by experience and time. If we don’t learn—and apply--the skills that make marriage great, there won’t be much left after the glow of falling in love starts to fade.

Love the one you're with

2009-12-01T07:22:00.001-08:00

My brother commented to me to today that he and his girlfriend were both settled in for a relaxing evening by the fire when each simultaneously made the same observation. Rather than engage in conversation with each other, they were each engaged in communicating with their blackberries! They laughed together as they realized how a pattern of “unwinding” looks so much more different than it did even a decade ago. Now they are always connected, always available, and always distracted from, in the words of the Buddhist philosopher, Be[ing] Here Now.

It’s easy to look back before the intrusion of instant messaging into our lives and think how much better things were before the digital age. But that may be an exaggeration. For instance, I recall that my father would feel irritated when my mother would pick up a book and disappear into its pages while they sat together in bed or in the den. And let’s not forget the old-fashioned telephone, which has consistently interrupted household family time since the Alexander Graham Bell’s first child hit puberty. And, of course, television has soured many an intimate moment—a recent Italian study showed that rates of marital sex dropped in half when there was a TV in the bedroom.

While TVs can be turned off and books can be put down, people don’t feel capable of shutting off their blackberries or cell phones because they are expected to be always available. People who know you can readily check email want you to be waiting by your inbox; they are expecting you to read, process, and respond at once.

Being chronically on call eats into your private life and robs you of the full enjoyment of the company of your loved ones. It invites strangers into your home day and night. It erodes the quality of the time spent together.

So next time you and someone you love are hanging out by the fire on a cold autumn night, turn off your blackberries!

Fall in New England

2009-11-15T16:24:00.000-08:00

It’s unseasonably warm in Rhode Island today. But that’s the joy of living in New England, it’s always unseasonably something! Now, after a little yard work, I decided to write an updated newsletter. Later, the Patriot’s game.

Last week I completed a seminar at Harvard’s “Treating Couples” conference, and it was great fun! Many in the audience were appreciative of the unique status of marriage, and how hard I fight to help marriages last. One of my favorite studies, which I cited during my talk, was published a decade ago by Linda Waite and colleagues. In the study she examines what happens during a five-year period to spouses who feel moderately or very unhappy with marriage. Sadly, about 23 percent of the couples split up. But amazingly, at the end of the study more than 80 percent of people who were having a rotten time in marriage report they are now very happy or extremely happy with wedded life. That’s pretty impressive.

And that makes sense. People want marriage to be like dating, only better. I get that. I was there. Of course, people ought to treat their spouses with the attention and consideration that they did when dating. But dating, even living together, is different than being married. Once betrothed, everything you do you do for both. Whether you buy a lottery ticket instead of a gallon of milk or make a two-hour phone call to your sister in the middle of supper your actions are not simply your own. And everyone has to live with the consequences together. It’s daunting. Moreover what you think is in the family’s best interest isn’t what you partner thinks is. All well and good. But here’s the key to relationships falling apart, even though you have a different belief about what’s best for the family, each of you is SURE that you--not your mate-- are right. And that’s where marriage has to learn to adapt or die.

Take the shower curtain in our bathroom. Our home is on the market, so when potential sellers come through, I think it’s best to leave the curtain open to expose our unique architect-designed tiled shower area. My wife thinks that homes show better if people don’t have to stare into the shower during a tour. Obviously, there’s no compromise, since leaving a curtain half open endorses no one’s belief system. How to solve this? If I should happen to find an interview with some HGTV expert that says “keep them open,” I might get her to change her mind. However, the following week, she’s just as likely to find an expert to say, “keep them closed,” and she’ll try to get me to change my mind. Or maybe I’m able to convince her and she changes her mind on her own. But lets say she never sees the errors of her ways, or let’s say she’s never able to convince me to see the errors of mine. Here’s what happens: since she prepares the house before a showing, she does it the way she thinks it should get done. And, to all this, I remind myself that it’s unlikely a person will tour our home and say to themselves, “I would have loved to have bought that home, but I just wasn’t impressed with how the shower was displayed.”

So the solution isn’t in eliminating the source of disagreement, it’s in having the right attitude toward the things you can’t resolve. Life goes on; will your marriage?

Children Learn By Observing Behavior - What Are You Teaching Them?

2009-11-05T10:53:00.001-08:00

I'm quoted in this article.

Even when you don't say a word, you're teaching your grandchildren lessons. Studies show that children learn how to live in the world by observing behavior. What are you teaching them?

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Parents work to balance youth sports, life - pressofAtlanticCity.com : Today's Top Headlines

2009-10-12T06:19:00.001-07:00

Parents work to balance youth sports, life - pressofAtlanticCity.com : Today's Top Headlines

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The Good Wife engages in Domestic Violence

2009-09-23T08:12:00.000-07:00

Like many in the marriage community, I am eager to see what becomes of the fictional characters who suffer from infidelity portrayed in TV series "The Good Wife." But I must comment on the advertisements for the show, and fashion in which the show is described in the advanced publicity.
When the female character portrayed by Julianna Margulies finds out her husband is having an affair during a news conference, she "'snap[s] out of it' and slap[s] him hard," do you think viewers are likely to respond with "You go girl!"? Here's the bottom line: Slapping your partner across the face is a form of physical violence. Don't believe me? Imagine watching a commercial of a man who found out his wife was having an affair-- and he responds by slapping HER hard across the face! There would be no sympathy (nor should there be) for that man. As marriage educators, we should in no way accept such violence--man on woman or woman on man--as the natural course of marital problems or simply entertainment. And we should speak out when domestic violence is glorified on TV!

Happiness in Hawaii

2009-09-09T18:04:00.001-07:00

I was playing tennis with a friend, who was very excited after his return from a 2-week family trip to Hawaii. He spoke about the beautiful sunsets, the spectacular clean beaches, the natural settings and the kind people.
But what he remembered most was “hearts.”
Every night, Dan and his family took out a deck of cards, and committed at least a half-hour to a continuous game of hearts. Maybe Dan liked it because, after 2 weeks of playing, his score was the lowest (that’s the objective of hearts). But I suspect that it was something more. Despite the nice rental condos, the extravagant nightly luaus and the breathtaking scenery, it was the time that he spent connecting with his family that Dan looks to as a key to having a great experience with his clan.
With the barrage of media messages saying that happiness can be bought by upgrades in cell phones or the purchase of a new car, it’s instructive to see how simple activities can bond people together more strongly. And it doesn’t help that it was in Hawaii!

Coming to Ohio

2009-08-15T04:34:00.000-07:00

A happy marriage could be  one seminar away
By Kim Margolis, Staff Writer
7:59 PM Friday, August 14, 2009
Want a happy marriage? Attending a meeting by a nationally-known relationship expert could be a start.
Dr. Scott Haltzman is the author of “The Secrets of Happily Married Men, The Secrets of Happily Married Women and The Secrets of Happy Families.”
Marriage Works! Ohio is bringing him to Dayton on Saturday, Sept. 12, for a discussion on “Happily Married, Fact or Fiction.” The event will be held from 6:30 to 9 p.m.
Shauntay Alexander, event planner for Marriage! Works, said Haltzman will talk about helping couples cope with the reality of marriage instead of dwelling on the expectations.
“A lot of times reality doesn’t meet what those expectations were and he’ll talk about how to move past that and learn to be happy and to have a healthy relationship,” Alexander said.
The discussion will also aim to dispel stereotypes that women look for a husband who will do everything for them and husbands just look for sex.
The meeting is for married couples of all ages at any point in their marriage. And it’s for people who aren’t yet married.
“When you are dating, you do have those preconceived ideas,” she said. “It’s perfect or even more beneficial for them to come.”
Tickets are $15 and include a copy of “The Secrets of Happily Married Men” and a dessert buffet, in case you’re having trouble getting your partner to attend.
Scott is a contributor to Redbook magazine and also has a Web site, DrScott.com, which offers relationship advice.
Marriage Works! Ohio is a Dayton-based organization that works to help build healthy families. It is funded through federal agencies.
Find this article at:
http://www.daytondailynews.com/lifestyle/a-happy-marriage-could-be-one-seminar-away-249924.htm

The gift of Zucchini

2009-07-19T10:38:00.000-07:00

The gardens are green and prolific. One of the things I enjoy most about this time of the year is how my raspberry bushes, Zucchini plants and bean vines begin to produce more that my family or I can eat. That means it’s time to share with my neighbors.

I’ll be truthful, I’m not the world’s best at giving gifts. I mean to. I think, “I really ought to get a gift for my co-workers for their showers, or for my mailman for his birthday.” I do generally remember my wife, and, truth be told, I rely on my wife to get most (read: all) of the gifts for my children. But, no, when it comes to packing things into neat little boxes and slapping paper and a ribbon around them, I’m just downright rotten.

But my vegetable garden permits me to connect with my friends and community in ways that make gift giving a thing of ease. I bubble over with enthusiasm when I find a giant zucchini (where had it been hiding yesterday when I picked the other two?!) and ask myself which of my neighbors gets it. I like passing a few cucumbers over the fence to my neighbor. In just a few weeks, I’m sure that I’ll be bringing tomatoes door-to-door.

In my newest book, "The Secrets of Happy Families," I write that one of the fundamental factors contributing to a happy and healthy family is developing a close sense of community with your neighbors, especially if you live a distance from your family of origin. Because Susan and I are far enough away from our parents and siblings, we try to include those around us in our circle of “surrogate family.” And sharing the fruits of my garden is one way of expressing my appreciation to those neighbors who unknowingly volunteered for their roles in our lives. Maybe I’ll tie a ribbon on a zucchini the next time I give one away…

Parents of special-needs child focus on achievements | SouthCoastToday.com

2009-07-02T06:05:00.001-07:00

Parents of special-needs child focus on achievements | SouthCoastToday.com

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Rachel Ray and Marriage Advice

2009-06-27T11:59:00.000-07:00

Don’t mess with her food, dude.

I don’t usually watch daytime television during the week, but I was home sick recently. Susan tuned into “Rachel Ray,” where a newly engaged couple were invited to discuss a domestic problem.

Here’s what’s at issue. The guy loves food and loves cooking, and comes from an Italian family where extra garlic, wine and spices are the keys to good food. As his fiancée explained, he was in disbelief when he first saw her open up a bottle of factory-made sauce for the first (and last!) time. So the guy sneaks into the kitchen and changes the recipe to meet his tastes. She’s not happy about it, and called Rachel for advice.

Rachel invites her hubby on the show—also a chef—and they discuss the issue. Point that Mr. Ray makes is “don’t mess with her food, dude.” The point that Rachel makes is that preparing a meal is an act of love, so correcting culinary technique is akin to rejecting love.

All smiles and nods, and Dr. Ray saves the day!!

But not so fast, says Dr. Scott. The advice sounds great, and inarguable. But it’s not the whole answer.

Here’s the problem with that perspective. Yes, to the woman in question, it is an issue of “love”, but to the man in question, it’s really an issue of “food.” He’d like a certain type of quality to his food, and, if he’s going to enjoy it, why shouldn’t he make suggestions about what brings him pleasure. Part of being a loving spouse is to figure out what makes the mate happy as an act of love, not “decide” for the spouse what happiness is.

Let me give you an example. If I go out to my wife’s garden and tear up all of her azalea bushes and plan rose bushes, should I expect her to be happy with me just because I’m doing it “with love.” If we pull into the Exxon station and my wife offers to fill up my 6-cylinder car with regular (instead of premium) gas, should I NOT step in and correct her actions if what she’s doing it as an act of love?

Here’s the bottom line: When your partner tries to steer you in a direction different than where you wanted to go, don’t take it personally, and allow him or her to help you make them happier. You'll both be happier.

Fighting Resentment

2009-06-12T13:53:00.001-07:00

I had an enlightening discussion with a client today about resentment. He brought up the subject. He's currently reading a book about addiction, and described how he spent the evening reading the chapter aloud to his girlfriend. I asked him to describe resentment, and he hesitated.

Come to think of it, resentment is one of those things of which we have a basic understanding, but when put to the test, have problems defining. How would you define resentment?

Here's my take on that. Resentment comes about when you believe someone purposely withholds from you that which you expect him or her to do. The equation is simple: "I have an expectation of you, you know what it is, but you are willfully choosing to do something differently." In this "battle of the wills" it appears that somebody else is choosing to deny you what you ask. This action stirs up feelings of betrayal, irritation, frustration and anger. When you look toward that other person as a cause of these feelings, that, my friend, is resentment.

Let’s look at a real-life example. Jerome walks in the room and says to his wife, "I'm thirsty, please get me some water." His wife, Eloise, says “you get it!” and Jerome is upset. Jerome thinks to himself, "I worked hard all day, and I hardly ask anything of my wife. Now she tells in that she won't get me water!" as he marches across the room to fill up a glass of water, he looks at his immobile wife and feels resentful of her behavior. Jerome assumes that she willfully is not meeting his needs, and that's all that it takes to resentment to build.

But let's look at these facts a different way. Eloise suffers from migraines, which are usually controlled by medication. She's tried for two days to reach her doctor, because she has run out of medication, and he has not returned her phone call. For most of the day she has been bed ridden with a severe headache, but finally brings herself from the bedroom into the living room for a change of scenery. When her husband, Jerome, walks into the room, his voice sounds as if it is coming from a megaphone, as he insists that she jump out of her chair and get him a glass of water. "I can barely see or hear things," she says to herself, "and he has the nerve to ask me to get him some water. How hard is it to get water?" She finds herself getting angry for his presumption that his need for water is more important than her need for quiet. His total neglect of her physical and emotional state just proves to Eloise that Jerome just doesn't care. She feels resentment for his expectations of her, in his failure to appreciate what she needs at that moment.

And there you have it. The birth of resentment, in this case, in both directions! If there's one take-home message from this brief story, is that resentment builds because of assumptions that when somebody does not meet our needs, or asks something of us that they ought not to, that somehow they knew of their offense, and willingly and willfully chose to neglect their partner’s needs, most probably, in an effort to hurt the other person.

Hey, one suggestion! Don't assume that if your partner upsets you, or if you feel hurt by your partner, that he or she is intending to cause you pain. If you take a moment and try to see the whole picture, you realize that when a person is not meeting your needs in one particular moment in time, it is not necessarily a sign of neglect, abuse, betrayal, or lack of respect. Sometimes, just looking at a from the other person’s point of view prevents you from building up resentment, and allows you to work through your needs and better appreciate the other person’s needs. All this, and nice tall glass of ice water, and you may have a good day after all.

Hello, Mr. Blog. Long time no see.

2009-06-09T06:05:00.000-07:00

I have this patient who tells me, “Look Haltzman, if you’re going to have a blog, you have to write something every now and then!” I know she’s right. There’s so much going on in my life, and my life as an author and speaker, that I sometimes feel that sitting down to write a meaningful paragraph or two feels too overwhelming. Ironic, isn’t it, in the face of my now having written three books.

My new focus is on families. I just today met with a man who’s father died at the age of 59, and who (along with his sister) now has inherited his dad’s home. He tells me that, in addition, he has the responsibility of taking care of his 76 year old grandmother. Does he feel burdened? Well, he tells me, “Sometimes I’m so tired at the end of the day, that I don’t have any energy for myself.” It may sound like a hardship, but his attitude toward it is anything but annoyance: “Doctor, I feel like I have a new attitude toward my responsibility and meaning in life. I’ve needed to absorb my father’s values and I carry part of him with me. I want to do things that would make him proud.”

Having a family is work. But it’s also a source of direction and meaning. I hope to be talking a lot more about family in this blog over the next few months. All I have to do is what my patient demands of me: to write something every now and then!

You and your marital happiness

2009-01-15T13:07:00.001-08:00

Occasionally my clients, or someone from the media, will be surprised statistic that shows 2/3 to ¾ of all separations and divorces are precipitated by women. Admittedly, I was surprised upon first finding this stat about a decade ago, when I began researching relationships and marriage. But it’s a statistic that makes sense. Women are more likely to describe feeling unhappy in a relationship; they are more likely to lodge complaints that the marriage isn’t meeting their needs. One woman, Liz, recently asked why men aren’t complaining about unhappy marriages: “Do they just not notice?”
Let me be clear that many of the women’s complaints about marriage are valid. The overly attentive guy who doted on her night and day and sent her texts every half hour (thus lovingly running up her cell phone bill)…the wildly enthusiastic dude who wanted to be with her every weekend and take her to exotic lands during vacation days…becomes the husband who doesn’t pick up the phone all day when he’s at work because he’s “too busy,” or doesn’t buy her flowers because “they’re a waste of money.” Women want to feel special. When husband cut back on courting their wives, the guys still know the love is there--but their wives don’t see it. So they become discontent. It’s because of the need to keep the courtship alive that I write “The Secrets of Happily Married Men.” If men would read it, there would be a lot fewer unhappy wives, and fewer unhappy marriages.
When couples stop paying attention to the needs of the other, the man also feels it. To answer Liz’s inquiry: Men DO notice when their wives have pulled back; they DO notice when the relationship isn’t going well; they DO feel it when their needs aren’t being met. Most men can compartmentalize this; they say to themselves that their relationship is snagged right now, and they continue to plod along hoping it will improve in the future. Sometimes they hang in there because happiness isn’t their prime directive. Sometimes they hang in there because their complacency supplants the need to be happy. Sometimes they just figure things will get better—and they either buy a book, see a counselor or just tough it out.
The biggest risk for the unhappily married man is when another woman treats him with more admiration and respect than his wife does. The appeal of a woman who treats a guy like he’s brilliant and important is almost irresistible. When a marriage sours, there’s a much greater likelihood that the man will leave his wife if there is a woman whom a man thinks he can go to after the breakup. He won’t tell himself he’s leaving Woman A for Woman B, but deep down that’s exactly what’s going on.
In the post-metrosexual era, though, it doesn’t take another woman to pull a man out of an unhappy marriage. I’ve been seeing more and more men in my practice who don’t have a woman in the wings. They don’t have anywhere else to go, and they are deeply bonded to their children. But, like the wife who feels he’s changed for the worse, these husband see changes in their relationship as stirring real emotions inside them. These men are longing for more than a place to stay at night, they are seeking love, and the expression of love, through a relationship with their wives. Many of these men have witnessed fathers who either lived through unhappy marriages, or have died an early death. And they ask themselves, “Is this all there is?”

There is a growing trend for men to walk away from marriage even when there’s not another woman in the wings.

Now, you’ve heard me say that men have got to step up to the plate when their wives are unhappy. But, the same is true of wives. Yes, marriage is a mutual relationship, but, whether you are a man or a woman reading this you need to understand that that mutuality begins with YOU. If you find ways to make relationship an extraordinary event for your spouse today and every day, then you’ll be well on your way to nailing down a marriage that will last you the rest of your life.

Scott's Forum and Discussion Board

2008-12-07T06:08:00.000-08:00

I continue to manage my DrScott.com forum (Discussion group) (http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpBB2/) and am inspired by the men and women who are trying so intently to improve their relationships.

Here’re the words of Mike, one of the members of the forum:

“Well her two best friends are telling her that she should leave me and apparently have for several years.

“I have told her and tried to show my changes and she has told me to stop and back off because she won't change her mind or heart. I'm wasting my time pinning my hopes on a small sliver of hope she will see me as husband material again.

“As far as a boyfriend goes, she turned to my best friend for emotional support when I was vacant and unaware of how badly I was treating her. Then I found some conversations that were very inappropriate for a married woman to have with a single guy, they both say nothing has ever happened, but some times their closeness seems more.

“I have had some time to think about a few things since my last post and I have come to a few conclusions. I will continue to improve whether she wants it or not. She has said this is her time to get what she wants and I am willing to support her in everything she wants except this divorce. She is not willing to make many changes to save our marriage.

“Right now she can not support herself and either of the kids that would want to stay with her so she has asked me to stay; I am going to move past this divorce idea and treat the situation now as we are still married and continue to improve and when she is ready to stand on her own then cross that bridge when we get there.”

Relationships are so difficult, and with the high expectations of husbands and wives for a happy, meaningful, enriching, gratifying relationship, it’s a wonder that, once the honeymoon is over, any of us can ever be happy in marriage.

That’s why I emphasize the importance of putting your marriage first, and putting a premium on the happiness of your spouse. Yeah, divorce is an option when the relationship gets tough. And selling your kids to an adoption agency is an option when money gets tight…but I don’t see many people doing it! But too many people look to divorce rather than repair when they’re not getting what they want out of marriage.

Marriages can be great. And it begins with you. Check out the forum, and share your thoughts on the slings and cupid's arrows of your relationship.

What a Difference Two Parents Make

2008-10-14T05:12:00.000-07:00

In just two days, I’m off to a conference at the University of Virginia to explore issues of parenting in American Culture. I’ve been invited to present a paper about whether there are gender specific qualities that fathers and mothers give to their children. “That’s a no brainer,” you say, of course children benefit from exposure to male and female qualities. But many, many children grow up without their fathers (and some without their mothers) through either separation, divorce, or the decision of parents to never marry. And I’ve concluded that children are missing out.

One of the most compelling findings of my research is that often gender differences in parenting actually lead to an increase in friction in the household. In other words, while the child often benefits from two kinds of play, two kinds of education and two kinds of attitudes toward work, cleanliness and finances, each parent is likely to say that there’s only one “best” approach to these life tasks—“my way!” For instance, the mother who believes that little Timmy must pick up all his toys before moving to another activity may be upset when, under his father’s care, Timmy leaves all his toys in the living room while playing with his drum set in the bedroom. It’s this schism between beliefs on how to raise children that leads to increased marital conflict when parents have children.

Young couples with children must learn that each partner is necessary for the education of a child as a whole, then parents can learn to be open to the influence of the other, rather than condemn the partner’s approach as being wrong. Let me be clear, some rules must be discussed, and parents should have a unified front on key issues. But discovering and enacting such rules requires a dialogue between parents, and the ability to drop the belief that there’s only one right way to do things. Like other conflict points (such as sex, housework, in-laws and money) resolving disagreements about raising children isn’t easy, but finding a way to hear each other, and work out a mutual understanding will not only help your child, but will help your marriage as well.

Getting married and staying married

2008-09-24T12:51:00.000-07:00

I met with a couple I've been seeing for a while. Discontent has started to brew over the relationship. She's looking for an emotional connection, a meaningful "we" experience that, try as he may, her husband is not able to provide for her. She sees herself as having asked...and he sees himself as having failed... to meet her needs. Oh, and it's not that he's just insecure, she's all but told him: "You've failed to meet my needs."

And it occurred to me, at that moment, something that hadn't presented itself to me in quite that way of saying it before: getting married is a selfish act, staying married is a selfless act.

When someone gets married, he or she chooses a person because that person will "make me happy." Men and women go through the mental list, how nice is this person I'm thinking of marrying, how attractive, how rich, how thoughtful, how stable? What's the likelihood that this person will meet my needs? If the candidate falls short ("He's sweet, but will never amount to much" or "She's really smart, but she's not able to let go and have fun...") then the marrier-to-be takes a pass, and moves on to the next potential life mate. Let's face it, someone looking for a lifetime partner doesn't seek the person with the qualifications of "Who will be happiest in the world for my having chosen him or her," without taking into account his or her own happiness.

So, an individual picks out someone who will complete his or her needs, and there's nothing wrong with that! Then, he or she buys (or accepts) a ring, and they're off to a lifetime of happiness.

Not!

If picking the person that would make people happy would turn out as expected, I wouldn't have to write books about marriages and relationships. You see, while each partner A was plotting away on how Partner B would contribute to his or her happiness, Partner B was making the very same assumptions about Partner A. Once married, they both sit back and wait for all the happiness to rain down on them like candies from a busted piñata.

When marital problems begin, it often is in the form of unhappiness. When the discontent becomes excessive, one, or both partners, may decide it's time to bail out.

Staying married is a selfless act

Most people who are in long-term marriages have been through times when they weren't both happy. (Although many of them can't recall the time--which also tells you something.) The ability to stay in a marriage that is not bringing happiness, and shifting focus on keeping the marriage together, requires postponing the need for happiness, for at least one of the individuals, and putting an effort into finding a way to re-cement the bonds of the relationship. Often that means that one spouse must find a way to make another spouse happy, even if it is at the expense of his or her own happiness. It’s an effort that takes more than a few hours or a few days; often it can take years of sacrifice and building mutual trust.

I’ve written about many of the ways to help make marriage better, so I don’t think anyone who’s read my books would be surprised to learn that healing a relationship doesn’t come from sitting around expecting your mate to make things better. The subtitle of The Secrets of Happily Married Men, is “Eight ways to win your wife’s heart for ever.” In other words, I write about how to make a wife happy. And one need only have seen my recent interviews on “The Morning Show with Mike and Juliet” to know that, as I write about in The Secrets of Happily Married Women, wives in stable marriages understand how their husbands operate, and, rather than try to change them, strive to improve the relationship by making accommodations for their manly ways.

All of these things involve being selfless; and often these qualities and actions don’t come naturally. But they're essential to a healthy marriage.

Yet Karma does play a role. For, while being selfless in marriage is a blessing—and often a necessity—when you do shift from the selfish act of marriage to the selfless act of staying married, your relationship gets stronger and richer. And guess what? You end up getting the happiness you were looking for all along.

Gender Wars Alive and Well

2008-09-02T07:33:00.000-07:00

Suppose you read a book that suggested that a man be kind to his wife, ask her if he could bring anything home on the way from the office, notice her new haircut, or to sit through a few hours of “American Idol” (if that’s what she likes) in order to build a better relationship. That hypothetical book (surprisingly one exists—called “The Secrets of Happily Married Men”—written, not coincidentally, by me) would be universally recognized as a useful instrument in the toolbox of marriage.

But what if your read a book that asked a woman to greet her husband lovingly when he came home every night, express heartfelt appreciation for his little acts of service (like bringing in the groceries) and warm up some leftovers in the oven if he comes home late from work. That’s much of what I write about in “The Secrets of Happily Married Women,” and it caused a heck of a firestorm when I discussed it on the “Morning Show with Mike and Juliet.” If you look at the >100 responses to a clip of my show on the popular women’s issues site “Jezebel”, (http://jezebel.com/5037660/mike--juliet-guests-purport-to-have-the-secret-to-a-happy-marriage) you’ll see that I’m not too fondly loved by people who have seen the clip.

I can understand why. Out of context, it sounds like women must do a whole list of things to make marriage better. The context, of course, is that men also must do a whole list of things to make marriage better. From my point of view, the issue isn’t “who’s doing more,” for the other sex. It’s whether we can conceptualize marriage as a place where we learn about our partner, and strive to make him or her happy. If a man has a deluded idea that his working makes a genuine difference in the life of his family, then his wife can spend her life trying to take him down a few notches, or she can say, “Thank you, Dear, I appreciate it.” Do you really think her life will be happier if she spends her energy proving to her hubby that she works just as hard as he does? I don’t see how she loses out by expressing appreciation, or doing nice things. I have found that such an approach makes her husband is more likely to want to come home, and want to do things for her. It irks me that my suggestions of seeing what your partner needs and speaking his or her language is characterized as “manipulation,” by some psychotherapists, and that somehow this approach is the opposite of “trust and respect.”

So, go to the clip show on Jezebel and take a look at the comments. Then tell me what you think!

The Marriage Mechanic

2008-08-05T07:00:00.000-07:00

A client once came to my office with news of another therapist who knew of my work. “Haltzman,” he asserted, “is nothing more than a marriage mechanic.” I guess that was supposed to be a put-down. And, to be sure, the client did want to know what to make of this therapists allegation.

I smiled inside. Heck, I smiled outside. I felt a sense of honor at this label. Picture, if you will, the image of someone taking their malfunctioning car to a mechanic—after a few brief diagnostics, the mechanic puts it on his lift, makes a few changes, warns you to remember in the future to rotate tires/use higher octane gas/check your coolant level and you are on your way. I like the idea of finding a guy or gal that can get my car back on the road.

The fact is there are ways to make relationships better, and these often include addressing the mechanics of the relationship. You’ve heard me talk about some of these before: using five positives for every negative interactions; men, accept your wife’s influence; learn how to repair after an argument; avoid criticism, contempt, stonewalling and defensiveness. All these things work, and they work great.

If just about all marriages can get better once they apply these principles, why are there still so many divorces? I’d like to say it’s because people don’t know about these principles, and in a certain number of patients, that’s true. But there are people who KNOW about these principles. I am aware of these people because I treat them. They read the books; they come to my sessions. And their marriages are no closer to being saved than the day I met them. These people have mentally checked out of their marriages, and are looking to me to tell them that they should move on. They come so disheartened with the quality of the relationship, or so disappointed (if not downright angry) with their mate that they cannot envision continuing the relationship.

It’s as if these people go to the mechanic, and say “I have a broken car.” And then, when the mechanic starts to take a look inside the hood, the customer says, “No! It’s broken. I need a new car!” In their minds, they’ve labeled the car as beyond repair, so they are closed to the idea that it can be fixed.

How does the mechanic convince a person that his car can be repaired when he or she is already walking around the showroom of a dealership looking for new cars? How can a therapist, a “marriage mechanic” if you will, convince a person that his or her marriage can be fixed when there’s no hope there?

To be continued...

Fatter Americans

2008-07-29T05:03:00.000-07:00

In my upcoming book, The Secrets of Happy Families, I review statistics from the US Government that tell me that 2/3 of all Americans are obese. That’s pretty bad. Now, I come across an analysis of statistical trends that makes the current data look like good news! [Article and link below]

When seven out of eight people are overweight that’s a problem that goes beyond needing to make seats on airplanes larger. Obesity is dangerous. We’ve all heard about heart attacks, stroke, yada yada yada. American’s keep hoping that there will be a doctor who will step in and solve the problem and clean up the mess they’ve made of their bodies. Therapists have contributed to the problem by telling people that they are eating because of emotional pain. Yeah, maybe, but if 86% of us are emotional eaters (and the other 15% are anorexics!—just kidding) then, as a society, we’re in pretty bad mental shape.

No, I have another hypothesis. There’s too much food around! I can’t drive from one store to another without finding a Subway, Dunkin Donuts, Coldstone Creamery or some other temptation to pull me in. Why are these foods so satisfying—because they’re loaded with calories. [OK, maybe Jared did lose weight with Subways, but the 12-inch meatball subs with cheese have 1120 calories. If you’re on a diet, that’s about 2/3 of all you should eat for a whole day!] The richer the food, the better we feel, temporarily. But feeling good by eating a big meal is akin to the rush you get from doing drugs. The good feeling only lasts a few moments, and then you crash and feel worse than ever. Moreover, you wake up the next day fatter than the day before. And talk about emotional distress. Maybe we’re all eating to heal the pain of being overweight!

Portion control, wise food choices, and staying away from casual fast-food to fill in between meals can help start the process of weight loss. Physical activity is a must for keeping your bodily and mental health. Don’t wait to get yourself healthy—maybe we can reverse this trend and get in shape by 2030. The we’ll make the statisticians eat their words!

www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/116358.php

86 Per Cent Of American Adults May Be Obese By 2030
28 Jul 2008

Roughly 86 percent of Americans age 18 and older may be overweight or obese by 2030 and related health care costs would double every decade and could reach $956.9 billion in 2030 - 1 of every 6 health care dollars spent -- according to a new study published online by the journal, Obesity on July 24. The study was authored in part by Lan Liang, Ph.D., with the federal government's Agency for Healthcare Research and Quality (AHRQ), and was led by Youfa Wang, M.D., Ph.D., associate professor of International Health and Epidemiology at the Johns Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health.

The study is conducted based on several large national survey data sets collected over the past three decades, including those collected by AHRQ and the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Overweight is defined as having a Body Mass Index (BMI) of 25 to 29.9.

Obesity and overweight are especially worrisome because of their impact on quality of life, premature death, and health care, as well as associated costs. Being overweight or obese increases the risk of many health problems including diabetes, stroke, heart disease, osteoarthritis, sleep apnea, breast cancer and certain other types of cancer. If the rise in current rates of overweight and obesity continue, as most experts believe they will, future adults may have shorter life-spans than the current generation.

According to the researchers, who also included coauthors Drs. May Beydoun and Benjamin Caballero from Johns Hopkins and Shiriki Kumanyika from the University of Pennsylvania School of Medicine, half of U.S. adults, as a whole, will become obese, as will 97 percent of black women and 91 percent of Mexican-American men by 2030.

The authors also estimate that by 2022, about 80 percent of adults may be overweight or obese, and 100 percent could be by 2048. But the prevalence will reach 100 percent in black women by 2034.

Moreover, nearly one third of all U.S. children and adolescents could become obese (body mass index is greater than the 95th percentile) by 2034, and the prevalence could increase to half by 2070. Black girls and Mexican-American boys are especially vulnerable--four in 10 may become overweight or obese by 2030, and half by 2050.

For details, see "Will all Americans Become Overweight or Obese? Estimating the progression and cost of the US obesity epidemic."

http://www.ahrq.gov

Back at blogging with news from 20/20

2008-07-22T05:35:00.000-07:00

I remember the days when I used to pick up a pencil and paper, and have my thoughts down on paper in a matter of minutes. Now, it’s taken me a full month to figure out how to get back on to this Blog in order to write another essay!

In the meanwhile, I was featured on the ABC news show 20/20 based, in part, on the contribution that my readers have made related to the question of whether men would consider having affairs if their wives “let them.”

Here’s the link: http://www.abcnews.go.com/2020/story?id=5380175&page=1
And the story:

Infidelity: Is Monogamy Just a Myth?
Scientists, Doctors and a 'Bad Boy' Tackle the Question of Why We Cheat
By JOY CIARCIA-LEVY
July 16, 2008 —
It's all over the news -- couples breaking up because someone cheated. What is going on?

"Sex is the most primal urge in every single one of us," said advice columnist Steve Santagati. He makes money telling people things like that. He proudly markets himself as a "bad boy."

"A bad boy is a guy who's unapologetically male, loves being naughty, and loves seducing women," Santagati said.

He's all over TV these days. On "Oprah" and the "Today" show helping women understand men. On CNN, he offered this advice on the sex scandal that brought down former New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer.

"These guys are not sorry for what they did, they're sorry for only one thing, and that is getting caught," Santagati said.

'Bad Boys' Who Cheat
Santagati is 44 years old, single and said he never wants to get married or have kids. He believes men cheat for a number of reasons, but one may be that they settle down before they are ready. Santagati warns his clients that "you can't be in a monogamous relationship if you feel like you're settling or you're missing out."

His book, "The Manual: A True Bad Boy Explains How Men Think, Date, and Mate -- and What Women Can Do to Come Out on Top," is a best-seller.
Santagati is a former model who starred in a hit music video with Celine Dion. These days he runs a Web site, askstevesantagati.com where people can order his bad boy T-shirts, which are popular with celebrities like Lauren Hutton and Tommy Lee.

And on his Web site people, well women mostly, pay money to get his personal advice. He promises to be "brutal" with his advice -- to help women understand how a bad boy really thinks. This is helpful because women just don't get men, he said. But bad boys, he believes, do better with women because they can admit they have a wandering eye. And he said women like men who are bad boys.

"Everything inside of us, all of the blood running through our veins, is going 'look, look, look.' We cannot look at a woman's chest. We have to physically try not to," Santagati said.

He said many men get married too young and don't get to fulfill their "check list" of fantasies.

"We want the Swedish girl, the Hispanic girl, the black girl, the redhead girl, the brainiac," Santagati said.

He has a point. A study in the Journal of Couple & Relationships Therapy reported that half of married men and women cheat. A more recent national opinion survey from the University of Chicago said it's closer to 18 percent. But whatever the number, there's plenty of cheating and men cheat more. Even America's most desirable women are cheated on.

Why Powerful Men Cheat: 'Because They Can,'

There's always celebrity gossip about cheating spouses. Most recently, rumors were confirmed when Peter Cook admitted to cheating on Christie Brinkley.
"Jude Law fools around with his nanny," Santagati said. "And then I look at [Law's former fiancé] Sienna Miller and I look at the nanny, and I'm like, 'How did that happen?' I know how it happened. It was a ... fantasy. It was fooling around with the nanny. It was the, one of the naughtiest things he can do."

He said bad boys like being naughty; it inspires them to cheat. But why?

Because "we're programmed for sexual variety," Santagati said. In other words, we shouldn't pretend to be shocked when even our so-called leaders are caught, he said.

Men in power cheat more, he said, because they can. Men like Prince Charles and Bill Clinton.

"Bill Clinton fooled around with Monica Lewinsky," Santagati said. "Now, no offense to Monica, but she, she's no Jessica Alba. She is ... the intern. She's the last person in the world Bill Clinton should have any sexual contact with. And that makes it extremely provocative."

Is Monogamy Just a Myth?

But it's not just people who cheat. Dr. Judith Eve Lipton, a psychiatrist, said that a common myth is that many animals are monogamous. She and her husband, David Barash, a zoologist, who co-wrote the book "The Myth of Monogamy," say there are a lot of misconceptions about monogamy.

For instance, many people grow up believing black swans, wolves and elephants are happy, monogamous mates. But scientists now know that "virtually no animals practice sexual exclusivity. They keep house together year after year in many cases, but they're sexually promiscuous," Lipton said.

Barash notes that the film "March of the Penguins" was touted as a great peon to lifelong monogamy, but "the truth is, these animals ... remain monogamous, faithful to one partner, for one breeding season. The next breeding season they will choose a different partner."

Scientists used to believe many bird species were monogamous, but recently, they've found otherwise.

"The female birds go off in the bushes and have sex with somebody other than the guy who's sitting on the nest," Lipton explained.

Scientists around the world have tested the DNA of baby birds and found even those in the same nest had different fathers. All that is evidence, Barash believes, that monogamy does not come naturally.

"When it comes to human beings, there's absolutely no question about monogamy being natural. It's not," Barash said. Barash and Lipton believe it all goes back to evolution: The male's goal is to make sure his genes live on and therefore he sets out to fertilize as many females as possible.

"Sexual opportunity is the name of the game for males," Lipton said. Women, on the other hand, spend nine months pregnant, then have to care for their children. So it's in the interest of the woman to find one man who will stay with her, or at least help her take care of her offspring, and some might argue that man is preferably wealthy or powerful.

"Females, by nature, are more choosy and less opportunistic," Lipton said.
But of course women cheat, too, Santagati reminds us.

"Men cheat because we are ... programmed to cheat. But who are we cheating with? We're cheating with women. I've cheated before. I've been a cheater. I know that these women are in on it. Women have been cheating on their boyfriends to be with me at times," Santagati said.

Is Marriage a Mistake?

But according to Barash, we shouldn't lose all hope in monogamy. There are a few animal species that are sexually faithful. Like the Malagasy giant jumping rat, the fat-tailed lemur and the California mouse. "You have to dig pretty deep to find other species that are & truly and reliably monogamous," he said.

"We're less like a Malagasy giant jumping rat than we are like ... chimps and ... gorillas and our primate ancestors who are not monogamous," Lipton said.
With so much cheating going on, Santagati tells people that they should "not go and think that you need to get married, have two kids, and live happily ever after. That, my friend, is a load of crap for 90 percent of the population."

So are most men who get married making a mistake?

"I would venture to say they haven't thought it through," is Satagati's confident response. But why should anybody take his advice?

"I have spent every waking breath since I reached puberty to understand women," he said. "The more I learned about the opposite sex, the more I knew how to get girls."

But maybe women just like him because he's good-looking and charming? Santagati insists that's not the case.

"You will see beautiful women with unattractive guys all the time. Women want to be with real men," and according to Santagati, real men cheat.

The Merits of Matrimony

Brown University professor and psychiatrist Dr. Scott Haltzman said Santagati's message is nonsense. Haltzman is the author of the book "The Secrets of Happily Married Men".

"There's no arguing that having an affair is full of fireworks and excitement and incredible energy. But that fades. That always fades," Haltzman said. "The type of quality you get in a relationship with your wife is something over a period of time that cannot be replaced by any affair or any fling."

And many studies do show that married couples on average, are happier. This year, Brigham Young University professor Julianne Holt-Lunstad found married couples are healthier, too. They have lower blood pressure, less stress.

Some still argue that monogamy isn't natural and that men, especially, are biologically programmed to stray.

"Well, we're programmed to do a lot of things," Haltzman said. "It may be natural if I'm mad at my boss, to want to punch him right in the face. But just because that's a natural thing to do doesn't mean that I'm going to do it."

And although Barash and Lipton concluded that monogamy among animals and people is not natural, they have been married, and faithful to each other for 31 years.

"It has been largely wonderful," Barash said. "The myth would be to say it's always been wonderful. But it certainly hasn't. It's been largely wonderful."
It's been wonderful for Haltzman and his wife as well.

"The benefit of being with one person is that you know that when you're making love to that person, what you have with that one individual is something that you have with no other person," Haltzman said.

Copyright © 2008 ABC News Internet Ventures

DO MARRIED MEN WANT EXTRAMARITAL SEX?

2008-06-10T06:27:00.000-07:00

PSYCHIATRIST SEEKS ANSWER TO QUESTION:
Dr. Scott Haltzman, Brown University Psychiatrist And Author Seeks To Learn What the Average Man Would Do.

PROVIDENCE, RI – January 10, 2007 Brown University Psychiatrist and author, Dr. Scott Haltzman, has been researching relationships between husbands and wife for years. Now the author of the best-selling "The Secrets of Happily Married Men" has a different line of questioning.

Do happily married men want sex outside of marriage?

On an episode of “Curb Your Enthusiasm” Larry David’s wife gives him a “gift” of being able to have one-time sex with someone outside of the marriage. Do men want this?

That’s what Dr. Haltzman wants to know, and he’s asking married men from around the world to answer: If your wife gave you a present of a single night’s sex outside of marriage, without any negative consequences, would you take it?

Men can answer anonymously answer by going to: DrScott.com and clicking on the "ONE NIGHT STAND SURVEY" button. (The direct link is http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/infidelity_survey.html )

Dr. Haltzman has been advising men and women on how to have happy marriages for over a decade. He is available to talk on your radio show about issues on marriage, infidelity, and whether, and how, men and women can stay together for life despite their differences. He states: “Everyone hears that the solution to marital problems lies in communication, sharing feelings, and spending time together. But it’s rare you hear a marriage expert: ‘Have lots of sex!’” Dr. Haltzman finds that having good sexual relationships is as important as a good conversation, and it can be a lot more fun! “Sex is an important part of bonding emotionally,” says Haltzman, “and if you don’t get sex from your partner, where else ARE you going to get it?”

Soldier Suicides and Love

2008-06-03T04:40:00.000-07:00

A May 30, 2008, an AP Article (http://hosted.ap.org/dynamic/stories/M/MILITARY_SUICIDES?SITE=DCTMS&SECTION=HOME&TEMPLATE=DEFAULT&CTIME=2008-02-13-12-14-25) examined the startling fact that suicide rates among soldiers have increased to the military’s highest ever: a total of 115 in 2007. About one third killed themselves on the battlefield, but 26 percent had never been to war. Male soldiers committed 96 percent of these suicides.

It may seem unusual to discuss battlefield deaths in a blog that focuses on relationships and families, except for one dramatic finding. To quote the AP article: Fifty percent of soldiers who killed themselves had recently suffered a failed relationship with a spouse, girlfriend or other loved one.

Scary, isn’t it, that, in the face of life or death challenges of the military, or soldiers are dying from the effects of relationship problems? And, by the way, these are not men who have had a history of mental instability (at least not as far as anyone knew).

There are profound implications by these findings, first and foremost is the need for psychological resources for our soldiers. But there are more subtle considerations here that should be addressed. For all the women in the world (many of them have sat across from me in my office) who say, “My man can never express his feeling,” or “He’s just an emotional blank slate,” this startling finding of suicide among these young men tell a different story. Men do have feelings; sometimes they are so strong they can’t be described in words. Sadly, many of these young men expressed their feelings with the trigger of a gun aimed at themselves.

These findings also reinforce a strong belief on my part that men feel incapable of solving relationship problems because they are not taught skills to heal difficulties with their lovers. They can take apart and rebuild a rifle in two minutes, but they stand helpless in the face of an unraveling marriage. I believe men have the capacity to learn relationship skills, and their lives are in danger if they do not. Women need to help foster men’s loving, caring, and committed side, so that they can work with their men to have the lifelong relationship they are seeking.

“The Secrets of Happy Families”

2008-05-13T05:55:00.000-07:00

It’s crunch time for my upcoming book, “The Secrets of Happy Families.” It's due to the publishers in about two months. Theresa Foy DiGeronimo and I have been examining the data so far from the “Happy Family Survey.” I have to say that so far the data have been quite revealing in ways I hadn’t anticipated. I can’t reveal the findings yet, because I don’t want to affect the quality of the data that I have so far. But, if you haven’t had a chance to do the survey, and you’d like the chance to win a book, just go to:

http://www.surveymonkey.com/s.aspx?sm=PiKKDrBVn9q_2fLaqiAN0ztA_3d_3d

The whole survey takes about five minutes, and your information is very important to me.

A weekend at Woodloch

2008-05-06T05:46:00.000-07:00

Over the past weekend I had an opportunity to do two presentations at “The Lodge at Woodloch,” a world-class spa hidden in the hills of Pennsylvania’s Pocono territory. This was really the first chance I had to get away with my wife in about two years. The experience was thoroughly relaxing. Susan and I enjoyed being together.

In my first talk, I addressed the “Secrets of Happily Married Men,” to an audience of men and women. I talked about the shift we men often make from courtship (you know…singing serenades outside your intended’s window, showing up at her doorstep with flowers in your hand and a smile on your face) to conquering the world (where you focus on making your mark in the workplace and securing a safe home for your family—maybe even putting a few dollars away for the kids’ college). The problem with this transition is that women feel like we’ve forgotten them! We haven’t of course; often men see their focus on earning a living as the ultimate in romantic gestures—the problem is that their wives often miss that intent. The lesson for men is: continue to court in ways that are meaningful for your wife. Occasionally, that includes serenades and sunflowers.

In my second talk, called “The Secrets of Happily Married Women,” I also spoke to couples. I felt like a mouthpiece for men in this talk, for as I’d tell women how deeply men love them, or how men feel tongue-tied in how they communicate their love, or how men want to make their wives happy, I saw knowing nods from men all around the room! A few even elbowed their wives as if to say, “That’s so true!” (Note to men: not a good idea to elbow your wife under any circumstances; they don’t like the sharp angles of flying joints!) We went over few tips to women on how to figure out how your guy functions. Most importantly, if you figure out what makes him tick and roll with it, try not to fight it, he’ll feel more like your go-to-guy. And when a man feels competent, he wants to do more and more for you.

My recommendation: Go to the The Lodge at Woodloch—it will be a good way to pamper your marriage, and yourself. Maybe you’ll catch me giving a talk there!

Everybody’s Gotta Start Somewhere

2008-04-22T05:23:00.000-07:00

I’m pleased to be an active member of the blogosphere, and hope that I’ll be able to make some contribution during my stay here in cyberuniverse.

Today, I’ll simply provide my bio. After that, an occasional musing.

Here’s what it says on my Website: www.DrScott.com

Scott Haltzman, M.D., is board certified in Psychiatry and is a Distinguished Fellow of the American Psychiatric Association. He is a graduate of Brown University class of 1982, and received his medical degree from the Brown Medical School in 1985. He completed his psychiatric training and chief residency at Yale University, and then moved back to Rhode Island with his wife and children. He is currently a Clinical Assistant Professor at Brown University Department of Psychiatry and Human Behavior and the Medical Director of NRI Community Services in Woonsocket, Rhode Island.
Dr. Haltzman has gained international recognition for his work in support of marriage and committed relationships. He has appeared on the Today Show, 20/20, Good Morning America, and in TIME Magazine, Glamour, Redbook, Parent's Magazine, Cosmopolitan, Men's Health, New York Times, Washington Post, Los Angeles Times, Chicago Tribune and local and national radio, TV and print.
Dr. Haltzman is a member of the "Love Network" of Redbook magazine, and is an editorial consultant of Best Life. He co-authored the chapter, "Men, Marriage and Divorce" in the American Psychiatric Press book: Men and Mental Health. He is an internationally recognized speaker, presenting at the Annual Smart Marriages conference and at the annual meeting of the American Psychiatric Association. In 2007, he was honored by the Women's Resource Center of Newport & Bristol Counties (Rhode Island) as one of 19 "Men who Make a Difference."
Dr. Haltzman is the founder and editor of DrScott.com and author of The Secrets of Happily Married Men and The Secrets of Happily Married Women. He is currently working on his third book, also with co-author Theresa Foy DiGeronimo, called The Secrets of Happy Families. You can contribute your own secrets by taking the “Happy Family Survey” at DrScott.com.